babyfruit: the miscarriage blog and motherhood diaries

Sweat But No Blood

My period is now officially 7 days late. But before you start offering tentative congratulations, let me just tell you that I took a home pregnancy test, and it is so negative that the single pink line practically screamed "Not Pregnant!!"

This happened to me back in October. My period was 9 days late, and then it came on with a vengeance. In November, my period was late again so I went to my NP (nurse practitioner) for tests. Blood test showed elevated progesterone but no hCG. Decidedly NOT pregnant but clearly having a progesterone surge.

I sat in the bathroom yesterday, about to pee on the stick, and I ran through the gamut of thoughts and emotions.

"What if I AM pregnant this time?"

"We just had a lot of expenses these last few months. We can't afford another child right now."

"NG really would love a baby brother or sister."

"I'm really afraid this might put too much pressure on G. - he's still recovering from his foot surgery."

"Can I handle another child?"

"I think I can handle another child - if we can manage my post partum depression."

"What if I have to go off my medicine right now? Will I be okay?"

"I haven't been taking extra folic acid - what if the baby has Down Syndrome because of that?

"G. and my relationship could handle another child, right?"

Now that the test shows a definitively single pink line, the thoughts in my head are just as numerous but singing a different tune.

"We just got through post partum depression - how are we going to survive perimenopause?"

"Does this really mean no chance of having another baby?"

"What if my medication can't handle these new hormonal surges, and I plummet back into PPD hell?

"Am I really getting old?"

"What if G. wants to leave me for a younger, more fertile model?"

"What else is going to happen to my body against my will that I'm going to have to deal with?"

"Do I really have to just suck it up?"

I've had night sweats the last few nights which tells me that:

1. I'm not pregnant.

2. I'm having hormonal surges at night.

3. I need to stock up on more cotton nightshirts because I'm going through them like they're going out of style.

I have about 5 books about perimenopause and a few on menopause that I picked up cheap at a library book sale last year. They still sit on my nightstand unread. I'm almost afraid to read them but they will probably answer some of my questions. G. and I are talking a lot about these changes, and hopefully that will answer some more of my questions.

But some of them may remain unanswered.

MommyUtterz: Baby MRI & Pending Surgery

More on the crossing eye...

And the family that patches together...

Yes, her left eye is patched in this photo. We're actually patching her right eye to strengthen her left/crossing eye (even though in another photo her right eye is crossing) but right before I took this photo, she took off the patch and put it on the other eye. Basically, I'm going crosseyed myself from these confusing things but trying to keep it all straight.

More Eye Crossing News

I did a quick MommyUtterz about NG's eye issue.

And NG joined in for a little BabyUtterz, too!

Little Vices

I've been on my own with NG since yesterday afternoon, and I'm introducing her to my little vices as we are hanging out together. Last night, for example, we each had a little bowl of icecream - Moose Tracks - although I tried to avoid the fudge ribbons and peanut butter cups in her bowl. Just the vanilla.

Then today, we went grocery shopping, and my favorite thing to do is to get a big bag of really good savory potato chips - kettle chips, crinkle cut, classic flavor this time - and eat them in the car on the way home. I've been known to go through a whole bag by myself. It started when I was pregnant with NG. I'd especially go for the honey dijon flavor.

So NG was screaming for food once we got into the car - which she doesn't do with her Dad, of course - and I give in because I can't drive when she is screaming. I handed her a crinkle cut BBQ chip.

"Yummy," she said.

"Yeah, pretty yummy," I told her.

"Peeeze," she said, rubbing her chest in the sign language sign for "Please."

I gave her another. And another.

Now I have a stomach ache. But she seems fine so far. Of course, I'm making dinner now - spaghetti. We'll see if she eats it.

If she doesn't, it is my fault, so I'll give her whatever sounds good to eat. Like applesauce. Or black olives. Or a spoon full of peanut butter. Right now, she is eating a piece of uncooked spaghetti.

I love the taste of foods, and I think she enjoys it, too. I'm over trying to make sure she eats a perfectly balanced organic meal. I'm just happy she eats.

Crossed Eyes, Goopy Tears & Big Time Snot

I mean come on already - how much more yucky gunky stuff can come out of a baby's orifices? I'm sure I haven't seen the end of the diarrhea, the snot dripping down to the chin and the eye goo, but let's give the baby a break for a while, shall we?

Went to the pediatric opthamologist and had NGs crossed eyes checked. Of course, they did not cross a single time while we were there. It didn't help that she has massive doctor's office terrors because of getting shots at her regular pediatrician. But it did help that the eye doctor was fantastically patient and persistent and had all kinds of tricks up her sleeve like bells and whistles and barking dogs - literally.

Luckily, G. showed up before the appointment was over and happened to have a photo on his cell phone that showed NG's eyes crossing a bit. At least the doctor knows I'm not crazy. Or at least not in this case. I have since forwarded a number of photos I've taken that also show the crossing. We are in a wait-and-see pattern with an appointment mid-April to see how her eyes are looking. One solution might be patches. Another is glasses. And yet another...surgery. We won't go there right now.

The doctor also noticed NG's goopy eye. She seems to get it whenever she has a cold but also seems to get it often after going to the gym playcenter like it is some common infectious thing on the surfaces of public childplay areas. She mentioned it could be a blocked tear duct. Solution if it is? Surgery. And we won't go there either.

The snotty-ness? I'm now going to chalk it up to dairy so I've put her on enriched rice milk starting yesterday to see if we get some relief for her. In the meanwhile, I'm chasing her around the house with a warm, wet washcloth to clean the green boogers off her face. I'm probably more bothered by it than she is at this point.

Will report back on how the dairy cut-back is working. Any other thoughts? Suggestions? Similar experiences?

The discipline tool kit: Successful strategies for every age - ParentCenter

Link: The discipline tool kit: Successful strategies for every age - ParentCenter.

Just when I think I can figure it all by instinct, I have no idea what to do in terms of discipline. I'm reading this article and don't know whether to laugh, cry or throw my hands up and admit defeat. How do you raise a good child?

The Wandering Eyeball

I've started a category - Baby Wellbeing - because we seem to be encountering all these health blips in NG's short life that I wanted to keep them together. I say blips because they aren't so serious, but they are things that I know nothing about, and we're having to learn about them.

The latest thing: NG is going cross-eyed. It isn't extremely pronounced. In fact, during most of the day, it isn't even happening. But the last couple of mornings, I thought she was crossing one or both eyes. At first, I brushed it off as either looking at her at an odd angle, me seeing things and tapping into that Paranoid Mommy within, or that she was just looking at me funny.

Then the other day, our babysitter noticed.

"Do you see something funny about her eyes?" she asked.

"Funny? What do you mean?"

"She's been crossing her eyes, and at first I thought she was doing this on purpose..."

NG looks over at me, and sure enough, her right eye is looking right at me while her left eye is looking at her nose.

Hmmm...better call the pediatrician, I think. Yesterday, I called and was told to "call an eye specialist right away." She gave me two names and numbers of the pediatric eye doctors in town and one happened to be the eye specialist I saw when NG scratched my cornea.

I called right away thinking "No need to panic. I've heard this happening before and there are lots of things they can do to help her."

Unfortunately, the earliest they could get me in isn't until April 2. I made the appointment then stewed the rest of the day.

I'm calling on Monday to:

a. Ask if there isn't any way they can squeeze her in earlier.
b. Ask if someone from their office can call me back with reassurances that waiting that long won't have any adverse affect on her eyes or vision.
c. Call the other doctor my pediatrician recommended to see if they have an earlier opening (my pediatrician said this was the harder one to book).

Am I being Paranoid Mommy? And have any of you had babies with wandering eyeballs?

The Va-Jay-Jay Blues

The time has come for me to post another controversial post about something that NOBODY talks about. At first, the topic was miscarriage. Then post partum depression. Then it was early female baldness. But now, I will step over the line and take a big risk yet I feel it is my duty to go where no public conversation has gone before...Vagina Blues.

I am sharing this information with you all - I mean potentially the whole world and lots of people who know me in all facets of my life - because someone has got to talk about it. I'm sure a lot of women are suffering out there. I know I'm building this up, and you'll be waiting for the punchline, but this is actually not one of my humorous posts, believe it or not. Maybe a bit snarky, but definitely not funny.

For the last few months, I've been experiencing strange vaginal odor. G. says he doesn't smell anything bad, but to me, my usual neutral smell has transformed into a foulness that reminds me of dead things soaked in vinegar. Not accompanied by itching or pain so I'm told it probably isn't an infection.

My gyno says it is yet another of the lovely signs of peri-menopause which can go on for a decade. She says it means I'm too alkaline. She told me to use an over-the-counter product called RePhresh. I've been using it 2x a week, and it has worked like a charm until recently.

I keep thinking it is systemic so I went to my naturopath who said no, I'm not too alkaline, but most likely too acidic. She had me purchase some PH strips, and I'm supposed to test my saliva, urine and vaginal fluid. Of course, remembering to do anything is a struggle much less to reach for the little roll of colored paper to spit, pee and stick it up my yoni every morning.

The few times I've remembered this week, my saliva is on the uppermost alkaline side of normal, my vaginal fluid is on the lowermost side of acidic, and I keep forgetting to pee on the paper so haven't tested urine yet. I've got to get with the program and do the complete PH testing on a consisten basis.

Since the ol' v-jay-jay is acidic, I'm following my naturopath's instructions to drink water with lemon in the mornings as often as I can remember. I guess I need to start sticking Post It Notes all over the house to prompt me to do these things. She told me to cut out coffee, but I'm just a little too mch in need of a coffee boost these days what with baby waking up several times a night wanting me to read her books.

I'm tired. I'm stinky. I'm balding. I'm practically blind without reading glasses. I'm still having night sweats. No wonder nobody talks about this stuff - it is all a total downer. Getting old is one thing, but smelling bad while doing it - that's just way too much to have to deal with.

Am I the only one with the Va-Jay-Jay Blues? Please comment - even if you have to do it anonymously. I totally understand. I'm fine being the one to put it all out there. At least I didn't include pictures with this one. Until they get scratch 'n' sniff for the Web, it wouldn't work anyhow.

Twittering Babyfruit

I decided to start a new Twitter page for Babyfruit - http://www.twitter.com/babyfruit. It seems like 20 times a day I have something I want to blog here, but it is really more of a short thought or idea. So I'll be Twittering it and it will appear on the upper right side of this blog.

Then, when I can blog, I'll post longer things here. It is my new experiment - pairing microblogging and blogging for one of my blogs. I just find microblogging so much easier these days, but don't want to neglect my blog either. And this keeps my mommy posts focused in one place instead of mixed up with my more business oriented Twitter page.

Hope you'll add me as your Twitterfriend! And if you aren't on Twitter yet, you should be!

Off The Wagon

I must say that it is harder for me for baby to be off the bottle than on her, I'm sure.

But the other day, when she was sobbing relentlessly, I gave in and handed her the bottle after a week on the wagon. She immediately calmed down and sucked away. "Bock," she said with relief.

After the Baby Gym incident where she threw herself on the floor and cried and cried, I had to take her to the pediatrician. It just wasn't "normal" behavior for her.

Turns out she had a slight ear infection in one ear. Painful. A few days of antibiotic, and she was as good as new.

But she was back on the bottle.

Everyone has an opinion about the bottle. My friend's mom said "As long as it is just milk and just a few times a day, what harm does it do?"

My friend said that if my pediatrician was telling me that drinking milk from a bottle was "bathing NG's teeth with sugars from the milk," how can it be so different from when she drinks milk from a sippy cup? It isn't like she is taking her bottle to bed or lingering over it. She drinks from the bottle when she wakes in the morning, when she wakes from her nap or when we're in the car, and before bed.

With a bottle, she gets 18 ounces of milk daily which is around the recommended amount at her age. With a cup, she gets less than 8 ounces daily.

I don't know what to do, but we finally ran out of bottle disposable inserts so I can't give it to her unless I buy another box of 50. I'm resisting.

Today, she asked for what sounded like "Bock" but I think she was saying Milk. So I made a production of pouring her milk into her Sesame Street sippy cup and she didn't fuss at all. Yesterday, she was pissed when I didn't give her the bottle. But she survived.

I'm going to try to hold out, not buy the bottle liners, and make it fun to have milk in a cup. But if we go off the wagon again? I'll just remember my new mantra - "It is what it is." No guilt. No second guessing. For God's sake, it is just a BOTTLE.

What do you think? Am I nuts?