babyfruit: the miscarriage blog and motherhood diaries

Baby's Crossed Eyes Needing Surgery

The Secret to Happiness

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I'm just not doing well today. Can't seem to put my finger on it exactly but let me try. Here is my Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Just Not Up to Snuff list.

10. I kept NG home today because she was fussy, snotty and hacking - the tail end of viral croup. I thought I was doing the right thing for her, but at the same time, it was the wrong thing for me in terms of getting work done.

9. I have several deadlines including a last minute grant submission due by tomorrow and today just was not the day to not be able to get any work done.

8. I have not been able to get any significant work done. So of course, I hop over here to blog, not to avoid work, but to blow off steam. And this post will only take me about 4 more minutes to complete.

7. After a 51 day cycle, I finally started my period on Day 52. I am now on Day 8. This week, I hate being a woman in her 40s.

6. My hair is still falling out. I'm having only bad hair days these days because it is so thinned out. Then I pull it back so at least I look presentable. Then more hair comes out because it has been pulled back all day. Contemplating shaving my head again. Did I mention that I hate being a woman in her 40s?

5. G. forgot it was Mothers Day this past weekend. When I finally got the nerve to casually mention it - as he was preparing to leave the house to go 4-wheeling - instead of changing his plans, he got mad at me for "making him feel guilty." I tried to be understanding, but it still hurt my feelings. He went out anyway.

4. It is almost summertime which means I need to revisit going off Effexor. Things have been so even keep for us - for the most part- with me on low-dose medication. I'm now afraid to even contemplate going off it because I can finally function.

3. I'm worried about the next time I won't be able to function again. My whole business, livelihood, sense of personal worth, is based on being able to do what I do and to do it well. What happens when that goes away again? Like during menopause? Or if I get Alzheimers?

2. I'm not so keen on NG being in day care anymore. It just seems to be way too much for her - she's not even 2 years old and is away from 9:30am until 5:30pm. That is a lot, even for an adult. I want to talk to G. about this but am worried about how he will react.

1. NG is going to need an MRI (under general anesthesia) and eye surgery. This scares me to death.

No wonder I feel like shit.

Now why did I call this post Secret to Happiness? At this point, I have no earthly idea.

 

Sweat But No Blood

My period is now officially 7 days late. But before you start offering tentative congratulations, let me just tell you that I took a home pregnancy test, and it is so negative that the single pink line practically screamed "Not Pregnant!!"

This happened to me back in October. My period was 9 days late, and then it came on with a vengeance. In November, my period was late again so I went to my NP (nurse practitioner) for tests. Blood test showed elevated progesterone but no hCG. Decidedly NOT pregnant but clearly having a progesterone surge.

I sat in the bathroom yesterday, about to pee on the stick, and I ran through the gamut of thoughts and emotions.

"What if I AM pregnant this time?"

"We just had a lot of expenses these last few months. We can't afford another child right now."

"NG really would love a baby brother or sister."

"I'm really afraid this might put too much pressure on G. - he's still recovering from his foot surgery."

"Can I handle another child?"

"I think I can handle another child - if we can manage my post partum depression."

"What if I have to go off my medicine right now? Will I be okay?"

"I haven't been taking extra folic acid - what if the baby has Down Syndrome because of that?

"G. and my relationship could handle another child, right?"

Now that the test shows a definitively single pink line, the thoughts in my head are just as numerous but singing a different tune.

"We just got through post partum depression - how are we going to survive perimenopause?"

"Does this really mean no chance of having another baby?"

"What if my medication can't handle these new hormonal surges, and I plummet back into PPD hell?

"Am I really getting old?"

"What if G. wants to leave me for a younger, more fertile model?"

"What else is going to happen to my body against my will that I'm going to have to deal with?"

"Do I really have to just suck it up?"

I've had night sweats the last few nights which tells me that:

1. I'm not pregnant.

2. I'm having hormonal surges at night.

3. I need to stock up on more cotton nightshirts because I'm going through them like they're going out of style.

I have about 5 books about perimenopause and a few on menopause that I picked up cheap at a library book sale last year. They still sit on my nightstand unread. I'm almost afraid to read them but they will probably answer some of my questions. G. and I are talking a lot about these changes, and hopefully that will answer some more of my questions.

But some of them may remain unanswered.

MommyUtterz: Baby MRI & Pending Surgery

More on the crossing eye...

And the family that patches together...

Yes, her left eye is patched in this photo. We're actually patching her right eye to strengthen her left/crossing eye (even though in another photo her right eye is crossing) but right before I took this photo, she took off the patch and put it on the other eye. Basically, I'm going crosseyed myself from these confusing things but trying to keep it all straight.

More Eye Crossing News

I did a quick MommyUtterz about NG's eye issue.

And NG joined in for a little BabyUtterz, too!

Little Vices

I've been on my own with NG since yesterday afternoon, and I'm introducing her to my little vices as we are hanging out together. Last night, for example, we each had a little bowl of icecream - Moose Tracks - although I tried to avoid the fudge ribbons and peanut butter cups in her bowl. Just the vanilla.

Then today, we went grocery shopping, and my favorite thing to do is to get a big bag of really good savory potato chips - kettle chips, crinkle cut, classic flavor this time - and eat them in the car on the way home. I've been known to go through a whole bag by myself. It started when I was pregnant with NG. I'd especially go for the honey dijon flavor.

So NG was screaming for food once we got into the car - which she doesn't do with her Dad, of course - and I give in because I can't drive when she is screaming. I handed her a crinkle cut BBQ chip.

"Yummy," she said.

"Yeah, pretty yummy," I told her.

"Peeeze," she said, rubbing her chest in the sign language sign for "Please."

I gave her another. And another.

Now I have a stomach ache. But she seems fine so far. Of course, I'm making dinner now - spaghetti. We'll see if she eats it.

If she doesn't, it is my fault, so I'll give her whatever sounds good to eat. Like applesauce. Or black olives. Or a spoon full of peanut butter. Right now, she is eating a piece of uncooked spaghetti.

I love the taste of foods, and I think she enjoys it, too. I'm over trying to make sure she eats a perfectly balanced organic meal. I'm just happy she eats.

Crossed Eyes, Goopy Tears & Big Time Snot

I mean come on already - how much more yucky gunky stuff can come out of a baby's orifices? I'm sure I haven't seen the end of the diarrhea, the snot dripping down to the chin and the eye goo, but let's give the baby a break for a while, shall we?

Went to the pediatric opthamologist and had NGs crossed eyes checked. Of course, they did not cross a single time while we were there. It didn't help that she has massive doctor's office terrors because of getting shots at her regular pediatrician. But it did help that the eye doctor was fantastically patient and persistent and had all kinds of tricks up her sleeve like bells and whistles and barking dogs - literally.

Luckily, G. showed up before the appointment was over and happened to have a photo on his cell phone that showed NG's eyes crossing a bit. At least the doctor knows I'm not crazy. Or at least not in this case. I have since forwarded a number of photos I've taken that also show the crossing. We are in a wait-and-see pattern with an appointment mid-April to see how her eyes are looking. One solution might be patches. Another is glasses. And yet another...surgery. We won't go there right now.

The doctor also noticed NG's goopy eye. She seems to get it whenever she has a cold but also seems to get it often after going to the gym playcenter like it is some common infectious thing on the surfaces of public childplay areas. She mentioned it could be a blocked tear duct. Solution if it is? Surgery. And we won't go there either.

The snotty-ness? I'm now going to chalk it up to dairy so I've put her on enriched rice milk starting yesterday to see if we get some relief for her. In the meanwhile, I'm chasing her around the house with a warm, wet washcloth to clean the green boogers off her face. I'm probably more bothered by it than she is at this point.

Will report back on how the dairy cut-back is working. Any other thoughts? Suggestions? Similar experiences?

The discipline tool kit: Successful strategies for every age - ParentCenter

Link: The discipline tool kit: Successful strategies for every age - ParentCenter.

Just when I think I can figure it all by instinct, I have no idea what to do in terms of discipline. I'm reading this article and don't know whether to laugh, cry or throw my hands up and admit defeat. How do you raise a good child?

The Wandering Eyeball

I've started a category - Baby Wellbeing - because we seem to be encountering all these health blips in NG's short life that I wanted to keep them together. I say blips because they aren't so serious, but they are things that I know nothing about, and we're having to learn about them.

The latest thing: NG is going cross-eyed. It isn't extremely pronounced. In fact, during most of the day, it isn't even happening. But the last couple of mornings, I thought she was crossing one or both eyes. At first, I brushed it off as either looking at her at an odd angle, me seeing things and tapping into that Paranoid Mommy within, or that she was just looking at me funny.

Then the other day, our babysitter noticed.

"Do you see something funny about her eyes?" she asked.

"Funny? What do you mean?"

"She's been crossing her eyes, and at first I thought she was doing this on purpose..."

NG looks over at me, and sure enough, her right eye is looking right at me while her left eye is looking at her nose.

Hmmm...better call the pediatrician, I think. Yesterday, I called and was told to "call an eye specialist right away." She gave me two names and numbers of the pediatric eye doctors in town and one happened to be the eye specialist I saw when NG scratched my cornea.

I called right away thinking "No need to panic. I've heard this happening before and there are lots of things they can do to help her."

Unfortunately, the earliest they could get me in isn't until April 2. I made the appointment then stewed the rest of the day.

I'm calling on Monday to:

a. Ask if there isn't any way they can squeeze her in earlier.
b. Ask if someone from their office can call me back with reassurances that waiting that long won't have any adverse affect on her eyes or vision.
c. Call the other doctor my pediatrician recommended to see if they have an earlier opening (my pediatrician said this was the harder one to book).

Am I being Paranoid Mommy? And have any of you had babies with wandering eyeballs?

The Va-Jay-Jay Blues

The time has come for me to post another controversial post about something that NOBODY talks about. At first, the topic was miscarriage. Then post partum depression. Then it was early female baldness. But now, I will step over the line and take a big risk yet I feel it is my duty to go where no public conversation has gone before...Vagina Blues.

I am sharing this information with you all - I mean potentially the whole world and lots of people who know me in all facets of my life - because someone has got to talk about it. I'm sure a lot of women are suffering out there. I know I'm building this up, and you'll be waiting for the punchline, but this is actually not one of my humorous posts, believe it or not. Maybe a bit snarky, but definitely not funny.

For the last few months, I've been experiencing strange vaginal odor. G. says he doesn't smell anything bad, but to me, my usual neutral smell has transformed into a foulness that reminds me of dead things soaked in vinegar. Not accompanied by itching or pain so I'm told it probably isn't an infection.

My gyno says it is yet another of the lovely signs of peri-menopause which can go on for a decade. She says it means I'm too alkaline. She told me to use an over-the-counter product called RePhresh. I've been using it 2x a week, and it has worked like a charm until recently.

I keep thinking it is systemic so I went to my naturopath who said no, I'm not too alkaline, but most likely too acidic. She had me purchase some PH strips, and I'm supposed to test my saliva, urine and vaginal fluid. Of course, remembering to do anything is a struggle much less to reach for the little roll of colored paper to spit, pee and stick it up my yoni every morning.

The few times I've remembered this week, my saliva is on the uppermost alkaline side of normal, my vaginal fluid is on the lowermost side of acidic, and I keep forgetting to pee on the paper so haven't tested urine yet. I've got to get with the program and do the complete PH testing on a consisten basis.

Since the ol' v-jay-jay is acidic, I'm following my naturopath's instructions to drink water with lemon in the mornings as often as I can remember. I guess I need to start sticking Post It Notes all over the house to prompt me to do these things. She told me to cut out coffee, but I'm just a little too mch in need of a coffee boost these days what with baby waking up several times a night wanting me to read her books.

I'm tired. I'm stinky. I'm balding. I'm practically blind without reading glasses. I'm still having night sweats. No wonder nobody talks about this stuff - it is all a total downer. Getting old is one thing, but smelling bad while doing it - that's just way too much to have to deal with.

Am I the only one with the Va-Jay-Jay Blues? Please comment - even if you have to do it anonymously. I totally understand. I'm fine being the one to put it all out there. At least I didn't include pictures with this one. Until they get scratch 'n' sniff for the Web, it wouldn't work anyhow.