Formerly Babyfruit: The Miscarriage Diaries about miscarriage blogging, miscarriage advice, celebrity miscarriage and other miscarrying obsessions. Throw in a little pregnancy, pumping breast milk, post partum depression then move on to the (mis)adventures of mommyhood.
I've been wanting to document the incredible things NG has been saying lately. Funny. Insightful. Unexpected. So I've been tweeting them. Then it occurred to me that Twitter might not be quite permanent enough an archive for these. So thought I'd paste a few here.
My 3yo just put her hands over her heart & said: My heart feels so...BEAUTIFUL! 12:17 PM Dec 9th
3yo: How do you spell Pranuhsaurus Rex? Me: U mean Tyrannosaurus Rex? 3yo: (thinking) No, Pranuhsaurus Rex. 7:27 PM Dec 8th
I asked my 3to what was wrong. She said "I'm sad. My feelings were hurt." Who hurt her feelings? Me, by teasing her. Bad mommy. 12:41 AM Dec 8th
3yo tells her dad she will be his hunting partner. And that she wants 2 guns. That's my girl! 8:35 PM Dec 5th
3yo: (mad) You don't sing quiet so I'm going to sleep without no songers!! 9:59 PM Dec 4th
3yo: Maybe we should get gentle pokers that don't hurt my ears to poke holes in them & we can buy me earrings! 6:45 PM Dec 4th
3yo: I want to SEE Fred. I don't want to BE Fred! (while looking at Scooby character costumes on Amazon.con) 1:11 PM Dec 1st
3yo: Who's singing? Me: Alanis Morrisette. 3yo: Is she big or little? Me: Big. 3yo: So she goes potty by herself?Me: Yes 9:38 PM Nov 29th
3yr old: Mommy I'm so tall! I'm almost up to your HEAD! she says barely coming up to my hip. 12:53 PM Nov 6th
3yo on phone with me: "I want you to remember to get me more presents, okay?" 8:40 PM Oct 30th
3yo: "How does my face look? Adorable?" (should I be worried?) 8:33 AM Oct 29th
Me: Hold your horses! 3yo: I can't! I don't have any horses! 5:05 PM Oct 24th
3yo: I don't look like my daddy. I don't have a moustache or a beard or a penis! 3:23 PM Oct 24th
3yo: Mom needs coffee and wine. And beer. 3:22 PM Oct 24th
3yr old re: Popsicle: It's too cold. I want it warm. 10:51 PM Sep 6th
OK, how do I stop a 3 year old from kissing her pet grasshopper? "I love him, mommy" she tells me. 9:25 PM Sep 5th
The toddler said "I'm going to spank MY bottom really hard" & hit herself on the rump. Then said "You're not going to spank MY bottom." argh 10:07 PM May 26th
Are you tweeting your kids? Share your Twitterlink here
I'm always on the hunt for quality television shows for NG, and I try to pick and choose them carefully based on a nice balance of music, dancing, good lessons, and some educational stuff. Okay, I know television shows in general are a bad substitute for sitting with her and interacting. I try not to let the TV shows (which she watches on my iPhone) be her only companion. But let's face it - there is value in good quality entertainment on many levels - and I especially like the pacifying nature in those moments I'm desperate for a little quiet.
So I download select shows from iTunes to give her variety and to control what she is watching (we don't have regular TV). There is a list highlighted in the Kids' section called 10 Best Kids Shows. Having watched all of these shows and many others myself in my screening process, I beg to differ with their list. First, the list doesn't separate them by Pre-K and shows for older kids. How can you combine them all together?!?
I'm also pretty suspect about the choices - I'm betting money was paid by the television networks for placement. Why do I think this? Because some of the shows on the list are HORRIBLE, promoting bad behavior, violence, disrespect, or plain stupidity. Maybe iTunes is just trying to butter up the television. conglomerates.
Below is the iTunes list. Below that, I put together my own list.
iTunes 10 Best Shows for Kids
1. Sesame Street - Classic and wonderful. Hey, I grew up on this show.
2. Blues Clues - Cute and "interactive" but not very challenging.
3. Hannah Montana - So unbelievably stupid. Even if your she enjoyed it, which she doesn't, it is pure inane nonsense.
4. Dora the Explorer - Sweet but she is already outgrowing it - at 3.
5. Spongebob Squarepants - OMG, this is not for kids. I can see the Ren & Stimpy-like appeal (which was also not for kids), but it is frightening and disgusting. Disclaimer: She does have 2 episodes that she does watch occasionally, but only in a pinch. This was an example of me picking my battles, and I was weak.
6. Little Einsteins- I've only seen one show, and it seems okay. It has engrained a classical musical piece by Tchaikovsky in her head - she loves humming it.
7. Madeline - Adorable. Love this show for its introduction to cultural things.
8. iCarly - Kill this show, and the producers who make it. Worse than Hannah Montana in promotion of stupidity.
9. Arthur - Just saw this for the first time, and the lesson was a very good one.
10. Phineas and Ferb - The animation is so ugly and annoying that I haven't been able to pay close enough attention to the content. Thumbs down.
My List of the 10 Best TV Shows for Kids (on iTunes)
My list includes a few of the above and some others that are just terrific.
1. Sesame Street - see above
2. Madeline - see above
3. Dora the Explorer or Ni Hao Kai Lan (both are cute and offer a few words in another language each show - Dora is Spanish, Kai Lan is Chinese)
4. Super Why - Awesome educational and fun show that promotes reading, story telling and spelling.
5. Backyardigans - She is tiring of this show, but we still love the dancing and singing, and I love the emphasis on imagination and adventures.
6. Wonder Pets - No longer one of her top favorites, but we still adore the characters and songs. Ming Ming is our favorite. And when she isn't obeying me, I always use the "Team Work" song to soften her up.
7. Mama Mirabelle - A new discovery and incredibly sweet combining cartoon animals and National Geographic footage to teach lessons. This is a new favorite for both of us.
8. Olivia - I must confess that I'm a pig fanatic (I collect pig figurines), and when I saw the first Olivia book, I fell in love instantly. NG enjoys the feisty little girl pig. I like the messages and the way Olivia is such a strong little girl...pig.
9. Max & Ruby - We've only watched two episodes so far but have watched them over and over. NG is an only child but I like her seeing sibling interactions. Not that I'm planning on having another baby, however, we may adopt someday. Regardless, the lessons in the show are good ones about interpersonal interactions.
10. Little Bill - I think this is produced by Bill Cosby. Super sweet, and frankly, our community is so white (as are so many of the characters in popular TV shows) that I'm glad there is a quality show with a character of color. Otherwise, NG has very little exposure to diversity.
NG also really loves the new Electric Company, however, that isn't for Pre-K's.
What are YOUR favorite television shows for the Pre-K set?
NG was laying on the living room floor wrapped in her favorite blankie when she started to whine.
"Owieeee."
"Honey, what is it?"
"Owieeee."
"Are you okay? What's owie?"
"Owieeee."
I went over to see what was wrong.
"Did you hurt yourself?"
"Owieeeeeeeee."
"What hurts?"
"Owieeeeeeeee."
"Honey, use your words. You have lots of words. Tell me what is hurting."
"Owieeeeeeeee."
OMG, something is wrong, and she can't figure out how to tell me. Think. Think.
"Is it your leg?"
She shakes her head no. "Owieeeeeeeee."
"Is it your arm?"
Head shakes no. "Owieeeeeeeee."
I went through a litany of her anatomy - hand, finger, eye, nose, mouth, ear, neck, chin, cheek, butt, girly parts, feet, toes, tummy, chest...no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
"Is it your heart?"
Pause. Was I on to something?
Head shakes no. "Owieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
"Are you mad?"
Head shakes no. "Owieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
"Are you sad?"
Nod.
"You're sad?"
Nod.
"Owieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Mommeeeee."
"Do you miss your Dad?"
Nod.
"Owieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Mommeeeee. Upppeeeeeee."
I picked her up along with her blue blankie and held her, rocking side to side.
"Daddy will be home soon," I told her.
""Owieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee," she whined and cried. "Owieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
My eyes welled up with tears.
How odd it is to realize that NG does not to know how to articulate her own feelings, not to yet have the vocabulary, the life references, the language of heart ache. I am at once grateful at her innocence to have not experienced so much pain over the year but also struck by how a heart ache is an owie she can't yet identify, sadness is an emotion she doesn't yet know how to react to (at times, it comes out as anger and frustration).
Finally, being unable to bear her crying for her Daddy any longer, I offered her a miniature chocolate cupcake. She nodded. Yes, she wanted a cupcake. Her cries faded, and she began to chatter about picking which cupcake she wanted.
"Chocolate can really help an owie sometimes," I told her with the wisdom of a chocoholic mommy.
Why do we infuse our hair with so much emotion? Why does cutting it often elicit crying? Why do we cling to our long hair even as we age even though our hair is no longer healthy and the length doesn't make us appear younger anymore?
These are questions I've been wrestling with over the last few months. And I finally cut my hair.
Getting to the place where I could actually cut my hair short - very short - was a long time coming. I'd go to my trusted hair stylist and always found myself talking about the difficulty of aging, of wanting a new haircut to make me "sexier, more youthful" while still being "age-appropriate."
I'm officially middle-aged no matter how much I hate to admit it. I'll probably live to be about 90 years old given the longevity on both sides of my family and given my own health and lifestyle. So yeah, I'm about smack dab in the middle of this life.
And I can't be young again no matter how hard I try.
I have to be okay with that. I don't want to be one of those frightening and frightened women who inject their faces, suck things out of their body, slice, nip and tuck in a desperate battle against time and gravity. I really hope I have more self-respect than that.
We are so attached to our appearance - the one we are most familiar and that we remember most fondly versus the one we see in the mirror every day. We want to be young. We want to be beautiful, sexy, appealing to others. We want to not look in the mirror and feel like crying out of sheer disappointment and fear. Oh the fear of getting old.
In the process of trying to maintain that youthful appearance, I began to over-process my hair and cut it this way and that way while still keeping it longer in some desperate attempt to stop time and turn heads. I ended up with great styles and colors that lasted for a few weeks then reverted into old, faded, frizzy hair.
Before going to the hair stylist this time, I went online with my girlfriend and used the InStyle Hollywood Hair Virtual Makeover which is surprisingly well done and effective. I tried on an Ellen DeGeneres 'do and turned it brown and tried a Keira Knightly style, both of which I felt looked pretty good for my face shape.
When I went to my hair stylist and told her what I wanted, she hesitated. She's very good at gauging what is a "heat of the moment" request and what a client really wants. She even offered to cut in phases so I could see the results. I agreed.
The bob cut that was the first phase just wasn't right. It wasn't short enough in my mind. I wasn't even emotional to see all the hair go away. I felt fine. Actually, a little better knowing I was getting rid of damaged hair and getting down to more of "me without long hair."
The final cut was a good length. Blown dry, it felt a little "helmety" to me but I could see the possibilities even though my first reaction was "I look like my mom" because she has had this type of short cut for many years now.
When a woman is aging, the last thing she is often looking for is to look like her mother. I'm lucky, however, to have a mother who is in her 70s and looks like she is in her 50s. Still, "make me look like my mother" is probably a statement most hair stylists never hear.
After a wash and letting my hair dry naturally (with a little bit of Suave Sleek hair product that I got at BlogHer), I was even happier with my cut.
I can't explain how liberated I feel. I thought I'd feel as if I were missing a limb, reaching for my long locks and finding nothing there, washing my hair and feeling a loss. But I don't. Other than the occasional reflex to pull my hair out of a ponytail - which isn't there anymore - I am not missing the length at all.
If I am going to cry about this at all, it is that it took me so long to just cut away the sad reminder of my 20s and 30s and to embrace my 40s with gusto.
I am not my hair. My hair is not me.
I'm actually happy with who I am and learning to embrace who I am becoming. Sure, I'm no longer at the peak of my fertility and probably won't or even can't have another child. What a statement from a woman who struggled for two years and through four miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy loss in order to have one.
Just like having a period doesn't make me a woman, having long hair doesn't make me young, feminine and sexy. This is all extraneous stuff that is impermanent.
What is inside of me is far more beautiful and powerful than what the outer trappings try to tell me. It is all false. An illusion.
I am not my hair. My hair is not me.
I feel better than I have in years. Yes, I'm still nervous about the reaction of others who knew me as the girl/woman with long hair. Yes, I'm nervous about revealing this new look in public, in person. I haven't yet presented at a conference without my long hair as my security blanket. I haven't proven to myself that I am still confident and effective as a speaker without my hair.
How odd that I've put such significance to this stuff that is on my head to the point that I'm actually nervous about giving a speech without it! I'm speaking at Blogalicious and Blogworld Expo this year. I'll let you know how it goes for me as a newly short-haired woman.
How do you feel about your hair, and why do you feel that way?
As my daughter begins spelling out words and asking me to speak aloud the words she sees, I realize that she is that much closer to being able to read this blog. Sure, she probably won't be on the Internet for a number of years, but she will someday be able to go online and will find Babyfruit.
Then what?
Babyfruit began as a place where I was going to document my first pregnancy. It quickly turned into the only place where I could delve into the hell of miscarriage. Several more miscarriages later, this was a space for revealing and healing, and I carried that candor into my 5th and successful pregnancy. But then happiness quickly turned back into hell with untreated post partum depression for nearly a year.
To say that this blog was not a pretty place is putting it mildly.
If I had redesigned it at the time, trust me there would be no butterfly at the top of the page. Maybe something more like a gaping chest wound with a bloody butcher knife would have been more apropo.
I've said a lot of horrible things in this blog. I don't regret anything I've said here. It was all the purest articulation of what I've been through, what I've felt, over the last half a dozen years. But parts of it are ugly.
What if she reads this blog?
Will she know that I don't mean to hurt her with this blog?
Will she know how cool a kid I think she is? How awesome of a human being?
Will she know that even though I still struggle daily with the ill-fitting mommy role, I'm trying to be a seamstress and am learning to tailor the role to fit?
Will she know that while I type these words I am crying because this is all so deeply emotional for me?
Will she know she is loved and cherished, and I wouldn't trade her in for anything in the world?
Will she know that this blog is a testament to survival and to thriving despite obstacles and set backs?
Will she know that this blog is also a guide for her to understand that depression and post partum depression runs in our family, and that she needs to be aware and seek help if she needs it?
Will she know that even though it took me over two years, I actually have - finally - found love in my heart for her?
I've heard some women say that they will take their blog down when their child is born or when their child starts to read. Am I a bad mother if I don't take my blog down...ever?
How will you handle - or how are you handling - the possibility of your child reading your emotional blog?
My daughter loves dirt. Her favorite place to play is a fenced-in sandbox in our yard. She'll happily walk out of the house by herself, head straight for her sandbox, and spend over an hour alone just playing in dirt. G. is especially pleased about this since he is concerned she is addicted to the iPhone and cringes when she wants to watch movies indoors.
While I struggle to be fine living in a very rural area, I do realize how lucky we are to be in a safe place with a huge yard surrounded by a thick border of woods. NG can run out of the house alone, and I don't worry about where she is going or who she might encounter.
She has a scooter car and tricycle on our driveway which is often decorated with colorful chalk drawings. She has paths through the woods she can explore. In the back, there is a large wooden fort where she can play house. There are buckets and shovels in the garden where she can weed, and wild strawberries she can pick. I'm proud to be raising a free-range kid.
This is what childhood should be all about.
I've been reading Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder. I really believe in the essential power of being outdoors and getting closer to nature and not just for children. G. feels the outdoors revitalizes his spirit. I feel the same way although I don't necessarily have to hike 20 miles to feel the power of nature. We both want our daughter to breathe fresh air, play in sand, run barefoot in the grass, explore the forest, climb a mountain. We encourage it.
I get emails often from the Fresh Air Fund and promised I'd mention them in this post. They provide inner-city children with "summer vacations" with volunteer host families and at Fund camps to bring kids who haven't climbed trees or wiggled their toes in grass or breathe in exhaust-free air the chance to be kids and be closer to the natural world. I think this is a great cause to support and wish I could volunteer but not sure if they can get a kid up here to Tok. They still need host families, so if you can do it, get in touch.
How are you giving your child a dose of the great outdoors?
NG has been more and more active with her imaginary friends over the last six months. At first, I thought it was because she was lonely and didn't have many playmates or play dates. She has named her imaginary friends after local children she's met and at any given time, there are three to five of them around us. Not knowing exactly what to do about this, I figured I'd just take them seriously and acknowledge their presence.
"Don't sit there, H is sitting there," she'd tell me.
"Oh, H, sorry about that. How about I sit here instead?" I'd ask.
"No, G is sitting there. You sit here Mommy," she'd instruct, and I'd comply.
Sometimes, her imaginary friends seem like normal sized kids, at other times they are tiny enough for her to hold in her hand. She has entire conversations with them and can for an hour. She seems to be the ringleader for them all, giving kind instructions to them every step of the way and making sure they are always doing okay.
I'm still getting the Babycenter enewsletter that corresponds with NG's age, and the information always seems 6-8 months late even though it is chronologically correct. This week's had an article about imaginary friends:
Imaginary
Friends The all-systems-go imagination of a 3-year-old can conjure up a new
presence in your home — your child's imaginary playmate. Although it
can be startling to suddenly hear your child talking to a pretend pal, this development is common and very positive. In fact, it's a healthy sign that you have a creative child. Imaginary friends are great for kids — and are another sign that this year is one of the most magical of childhood.
She hasn't used her imaginary friends yet as a scapegoat or in a manipulative way as the article goes on to describe. Her firneds are just there as her playmates and sometimes accompany us on our family outings. It took G. a little while to get what was going on when NG would say to watch out for G. or H. or the other H. Now he sort of awkwardly ignores it more than engaging at all.
I don't ever go out of my way to bring them up with NG, but if she mentions them, I'll always be polite. And I won't ever, ever sit on them.
Do (or did) your kids have imaginary friends? What did you do - or not do - about it?
All I can say about this article is that I'm glad I own my own business instead of work in Corporate America.
Excerpt: <i>The pay gap between mothers and childless women is larger than the gap between women and men, according to an award-winning 2007 study called “Getting a Job: Is There a Motherhood Penalty,” published in the American Journal of Sociology. The study, conducted by three Cornell University sociologists, and recently written about at BusinessWeek.com,
found that moms faced more difficulties getting hired and were offered
lower pay than their childless peers. Dads, on the other hand, faced no
such penalties–faring equal to or better than childless men.</i>
<b><i>Have you faced career discrimination as a mom in the workplace?</i></b>
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