Okay, it is official. I must be pregnant because I now have Cow Boobs.
I don't know what else to call them. They are the strangest things I've ever seen, completely out of place on my body. I feel like I'm wearing one of those fake boob attachments that you see in adult shops as a gag gift item. These are not my normal breasts.
I've heard that women - and men - really enjoy the increased breast size during pregnancy. Small chested women declare "its like getting a boob job without the surgery!" Well, I can understand how men can go ga-ga over this physical transformation, but as a woman who has had a modestly average 34B sized mini-rack all her adult life, I have to say this is almost as bad as having an alien pop through your ribcage.
1. G. seems pleased.
1. They feel like they are sagging and swaying when not ensconced in a heavy duty bra.
2. The sagging and swaying contributes to the feeling of stretching and pulling - and it hurts!
3. The stretching and pulling creates the incessant burning and itching sensation. I'm ready to commit Bad Boob Etiquette constantly in public, just dying to scratch them vigorously. Like in the checkout line at the grocery store. And they require several applications of oil daily to feel any relief.
4. I must now wear a bra to bed. I forgot to put it on last night and they hurt all night long. Then this morning, they literally thwacked my arm when I rolled over to change postiions. I'm not kidding - I felt a distinct THWACK as these protruding missiles slapped from one side to the other.
5. The nipples are freaky, large and dark. They could stand alone as breast themselves - they are so huge. They are becoming more and more like udders that I can hardly restrain a "MOOOOooo" when I look at myself in the mirror.
Add to all of this the fact that I have had fibrocystic cysts in my breasts all my life - so besides being veiny in a strange, alien way, they are also bruised and mottled. Lovely.
One dear friend suggested that I "rough up" my nipples in preparation of breastfeeding by rubbing them vigorously with a towel after every shower. Just the thought of anything touching or manipulating them sends the heebie jeebies through me.
Another friend said that was a myth. But the first friend - and her sister - swear by the technique. Any truth to the theory that I should be roughing them up for breastfeeding?
Any boob advice in general? Mama Cow wants to know.