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NG

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woman obsessed with her dogs

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    these are only a smattering of digital photos of my 3 Chihuahuas. all three are rescues.

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Blog Day

Link: Blog Day.

It is BlogDay so here are 5 blogs I highly recommend...

1. Babies or Not - Once in a while you come across a blog that is not only interesting and about an important topic, but also really well-written. This is one of those blogs. She's in the throes of full-on miscarriage again. Stop by and give your support.

2. Postpartum Progress - Promoting progress in treatment & comfort among sufferers of postpartum mood disorders, including postpartum depression (PPD), postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder & postpartum psychosis. This woman rocks.

3. Foodmomiac - I met her at BlogHer. It's all about life, mommyhood, food, kids, food, and more food.

4. Babygadget - Mommies (and Daddies) everywhere can ogle the cool baby stuff reviewed on this site. From the founders of PopGadget. I know we don't need these things - but boy is it fun to look at them!

5. Antropologa - So many excellent women's blogs talking about life, love, miscarriages, pregnancy, baby. Here's another that caught my attention.

Tag: BlogDay2007

Babeland! - washingtonpost.com

Link: Babeland! - washingtonpost.com.

I never knew men could be snarky, but Tom Bartlett is the snarkiest and hilarious in this article about baby pageants.

I'd never enter NG into a baby pageant but have already entered her in her first photo contest - for Babytalk magazine. I thought we had a good chance at one of 8 runner up slots because we're in Alaska, but nada. I'm still kicking myself for picking the "wrong" photo of her to submit.

Well, I know NG's a winnah regardless of that darn contest.

Must confess - I'm looking for the next one to enter...

Going Bald

So I went to see my nurse practitioner for this non-stop hair loss I'm still experiencing 14 months post partum. I wasn't sure if one of the supplements I'm taking was causing it, if it was still a hormonal imbalance caused by pregnancy or if I'm peri-menopausal.

She immediately acknowledged that my hair was thinning so I knew it wasn't me imagining it. I told her my gauge was that I used to loop my ponytail holders around my hair twice - the standard way. But that now, I have to loop them a third time because I have lost that much hair.

She gave me an article about hair loss in women and said that there hasn't been a lot of research about why some women start losing their hair, however, she said in my case, it could be attributed to:

1. Hormonal imbalances from pregnancy - she checked my testosterone level, for example.

2. Insufficient iron or zinc - she put me on supplements. She said I didn't need fatty acids (determined by muscle testing).

3. My wheat allergy. I have always been sensitive to wheat but didn't realize it until during pregnancy it became a full blown allergy - itchy mouth and tongue and mouth ulcers after eating wheat. I cut wheat out entirely during pregnancy and still eat mostly gluten-free. When I eat a little wheat, I can feel it in my mouth starting to itch or I end up with a few cankersores. Turns out a wheat allergy can also cause hair loss.

She had the lab draw a lot of blood to do a total workup on me - results end of week.

On the headache front, she said it was probably the Effexor and recommended some energy work that is supposed to help relieve the side effects of medications or ease allergic reactions. She admitted it sounded kind of "strange" but said results have been good with other patients. I'm happy to try it, especially because she said the other course of action would be changing my meds - but she (and I) did not want to do this because it is working so well for me.

Which leads me to the most important part of my appointment. I asked how hard would it be for me to get off Effexor (37.5 mg dose) at the end of September, the end of my 3 month run. I know how sensitive I am and if I even miss taking my medicine on time, within an hour or so I begin to feel lightheaded and dizzy. She admitted it might be hard and that she would want a good 6 weeks of prepping me with amino acids to help ease the transition.

That said, she also didn't really want to take me off them as we approached winter in Alaska and the endless dark days. She thought it might be better to wait until Spring.

"Won't it be harder to get off them if I'm on them even longer?"

"Yes, but it will be negligible," she said, thinking of the whole picture.

"Should I just stay on them?" I asked. "I just don't want to lose my life again, lose myself again. I'm finally feeling normal and getting my life back. My whole family is happier."

"You don't have to get off of them," she said.

Scary thought. Here I am, so anti-medicine, but honestly considering staying on them if it means I can be myself and have the life that I had before pregnancy (and before miscarriages) because I was just a happier, stable person before the hormones whacked me out. I like being me - the me I know myself to be.

The medicine does not make me spacy or manic or numb. I just feel like I have a positive attitude, like I can cope with things, like I can think clearly, like I have patience. Actually, I do have a positive attitude now, I can cope, think clearly and I'm more patient. That is not to say that I cannot get frustrated or angry or emotional - I can and do. But it isn't over small things. It isn't irrational.

I'm willing to wait and see how I get through the dark winter while on medication. And I'll re-evaluate things in the Spring. That's the best I can do with the information I have.

The Safety Knot

I read this news story in the Anchorage Daily News about rock climbing and safety knots. There is a knot that climbers tie at the end of their rope just in case they slip to stop their fall. Many experienced climbers choose not to tie that knot.

I'm still haunted by the story of a 38-year-old woman who was rock climbing with a male companion and fell to her death in Denali National Park earlier this year. When she slipped, she started sliding down the rope. When she got to the end of her rope, she kept falling. She had failed to - or decided not to - tie a safety knot.

This story is a powerful analogy to what I've been through with Post Partum Depression. Because I was so hellbent against medication (and furious at pharmaceutical companies who abuse their money and power to hurt rather than help people), I avoided medication for months. I was also so focused on pumping breastmilk for NG that I limited my options for treatment for the PPD. When I finally stopped pumping and could focus on me, there seemed no other options left for me except medication.

I now see the daily 37.5 mg of Effexor as my safety knot. If I hadn't tied that knot at the end of June, I would have slipped to the end of my rope and fallen into the abyss. This low dosage of medication is the safety knot holding me in place.

My 3-month course of medication will be over at the end of September. The hope is that by taking it, my brain will "reset" and no longer overproduce or underproduce certain hormones that were sending me into a mental tailspin. That is the hope.

I'm trying not to think too much about getting off the medication, but I'm so happy about my life right now that I'm beginning to be concerned about not being on it. What if I remove the safety knot? Will I still be okay?

Feeling Groovy, Passing It On...

I've been feeling so good this last month & my ability to work has improved which has had a positive effect on my self-esteem. Here are a few things I'm working on. Both are also opportunities for some of you to be featured if you are interested.

Entrepreneur Mom Blog

This is a blog for women business owners who also happen to be moms. I interview successful female entrepreneurs, get tips from women who are experts in their field on business topics, and write tips and advice from my own business experiences. Interested in being featured or being a guest blogger? Send a pitch to pitch at mediaegg dot com.

Motherhood Later...Than Sooner
This is an online/offline supportive network for older moms (35+) with younger (10 & under) kids. I'm helping the founder, Robin Gorman Newman, take the group national. She's been running a chapter in New York for several years. We're starting to feature interesting professional women who started having kids in their mid to late 30s or older. If you'd like to be featured, pitch us at pitch at mediaegg dot com.

I hope to feature some Babyfruit readers, and if I do, I'll link to your Web site or blog.

Postpartum Depression Blogs Help Moms : Dory Devlin : Yahoo! Tech

Link: Postpartum Depression Blogs Help Moms : Dory Devlin : Yahoo! Tech.

Babyfruit was mentioned in this article about PPD and bloggers. I met Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress at BlogHer & was totally amazed at her efforts to educate women about PPD. If you are struggling with PPD, go to her site.

Mommy Meme

It's Super Mommy!

Caught NG's poop as it was coming out of her butt while she was standing in the tub. No poop in the water! (I've sure come a long way from the initial poo in the water freakout.)

Mommy Heaven on Earth

G. & I went to pick NG up from the fitness club's babysitting room & she looked right at me, smiled, then ran to me with outstretched arms & hugged my leg. (Maybe she likes me!)

Going to Mommy Hell

Needed just a few more minutes on the computer so sat NG in front of another DVD. (I had vowed never to abuse the DVD mesmerizer.)

So what's your version of Supermommy, Mommy Heaven & Mommy Hell? If you post it on your blog, let me know so I can link to it!

Shy Girl

Got a little Mommy Ego Boost yesterday, and boy did that 60 seconds feel great.

Took NG next door to visit our neighbors - they are in their 80s and were the original homesteaders of the land where our cul-de-sac is now situated. They raised 11 kids in the wilds of Alaska dating back to the 1940s. I try to visit when I can but can get so wrapped up in my work.

NG hasn't been around a lot of older folks and tends to get a little scared at first. She is usually an incredibly social little girl, babbling and smiling at strangers wherever we go. But yesterday, she immediately clung to me. When I tried to set her down so she could walk around, suddenly, she reverted to pre-walking days and refused to stand up.

Then she started clinging to my leg. When I made my way to the sofa and sat down, she stood by me and put her head on my lap. I comforted her, of course, but also didn't want to dote on her too long. I wanted her to ease into feeling comfortable around our older neighbors and eventually she did.

But I have to admit, for a few moments, I wanted to encourage her shyness, encourage her clinginess, just to squeeze every bit of it out and bask in her needing me.

I am proud to have such a strong, willful, independent baby girl, but I really want her to cling to me for protection, too.

How do you strike a balance between fostering independence and still having your toddler need you?

Innies & Outies

OK, I don't know what this means.

Last night, NG's belly button was sticking straight out. I hadn't noticed it before. I was giving her a bath - she stood up to get out and BOING - there it was, protruding like a new appendage. I swear it could have starred in the "Transformers" movie, it was that huge and bizarre.

She wasn't really an innie before. She has had more of a cinnamon swirl like this:

But last night, her belly button was way out, like the alien from the movie "Alien" trying to escape.

I was already composing my blog post in my head: "Baby's Bizarro New Bellybutton." I was going to start searching on the Web to see if an innie could suddenly go outie. I could hear her at 4 giving her bellybutton a name & claiming it as her imaginary friend. I could just hear her at 14 crying for plastic surgery so she could wear her first bikini without shame.

Then, this morning, it was back to normal with its delicate little swirl. No sign of the Monster Button of last night.

So WTF?? Can baby bellybuttons transform day to day? Does your baby have a morphing button?

But Did She Miss Me?

After being away for 4 days, I guess I was hoping for some kind of fanfare from NG upon my return. I should have followed my own advice: When you have expectations, you are much more likely to be disappointed. So don't go into a situation with expectations.

Granted, I got in around 1:30 am, and I wasn't expecting her to be awake anticipating my arrival. But she did wake up, so G. and I went to check on her and decided she wanted a bottle. I went to hold her, and she resisted. When I had her on my lap after she drank her bottle, she kept pushing me away. She wanted her dad to hold her.

I have to say upfront that I'm really happy that G. and NG have bonded so well. I am living the expression "She's Daddy's girl," and I don't resent that. But I'm still saddened that the difficulty I had bonding with her through her earliest months seems to color the way she reacts - or doesn't react - to me.

Can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but here's a strange thing: She doesn't say "Mama" or "Ma" or anything remotely resembling a word for Mother. For Dad, she says either "Da" or "Daya." Sometimes, it seems like she is referring to me as "Gaya" - but G. says that what she is really saying is "Gaia" or "Earth Mother." That's a nice thought, but in reality, she doesn't seem to have a word in her growing vocabulary for Mom.

G. said that while I was away, he was feeding her and suddenly she started saying "Mamamamamama" and that was proof that she missed me. But I had to explain to him that when she has food in front of her or is eating, she will sometimes burst out with a few refrains of "mamamamamamamama" in response to the food and that it doesn't have anything to do with me.

And then there are those moments when I've only been in another room or gone from the house for an hour or so, and she turns and her little face lights up with the biggest smile, and she laughs as if delighted to see me. I cherish those moments and wonder if babies are like dogs in that they don't really have a sense of time elapsing so you can be gone for a day and they'll act just as excited to see you as if you were gone for a week. But then if she was like a dog, wouldn't she have missed me this past weekend?

The morning after I had arrived, it was business as usual. She wasn't any more or less excited to see me when I went to her bedroom to get her up for the day. She said her usual "Hi," let me change her diaper, then asked for her bottle. I tried to give her extra hugs and kisses, but she just pushed me away as usual.

I know she loves me, and my feelings for her continue to grow and expand each day.

But maybe she somehow knows that during the 4 days I was away, I hardly missed her at all.

Is there anyone out there who struggled with or is still struggling with bonding with their baby? Even if you post anonymously, I'd like to know how you handled or are handling it. Thanks.

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