babyfruit: the miscarriage blog and motherhood diaries

The Color of Poo

Yes, another post about poop.

So here is the latest on the poo front.

Ever since mid-October, NG's poops have gotten very pale and pasty, and although I hate to use this comparison, I'd say it was starting to look like toffee cake frosting in both color and texture. This didn't qualify for straight diarrhea, but it was clearly weird, unformed and very, very stinky.

That timeframe was right around when I think we began getting the relentless norovirus, the stomach bug that just wouldn't quit, so at first, I assumed it was related to illness since at least 2 weeks after I had it the first time, I was still experiencing nausea and gastrointestinal chaos.

Finally, last week, I called the baby doctor and asked about the poops. She told me to bring in a sample so I double ziploc bagged a diaper-full and ran it down to the doctor's office. A few days later, the results were in. Nothing that they could find that was alarming.

So that is when I began thinking it was diet related. When my doctor first suggested that, I couldn't think of a darn thing baby had been eating that was different from her usual fare or that might change her poops to light tan paste. The ONLY major difference in her diet over the last few months has been switching from Enfamil Next Step formula to whole organic milk.

This weekend, we ran out of whole milk so I gave NG a bottle of 2%. And lo and behold, her poop was a little darker and a little bit more formed. Interesting...

I decided to eliminate whole milk for a day or so and supplement 2% milk with her old formula. Lo and behold, her poops were even darker and better formed.

Now I'm thinking "okay, it was whole milk." Or through some major coincidence, she got over a month-long intestinal bug.

I asked the doctor about 2% milk versus whole milk. She doesn't think it should make a difference in her poops. I was also concerned about giving NG less fat content with the 2%, but the doctor explained that whole milk is 3.5% so the difference in fat content is not major. Of course, the fat in the milk is supposed to help baby's brain develop so I'm not too keen on skimping on her fat intake.

I then asked if I could supplement the fat in her diet with peanut butter, and the doctor said yes. But she still said she did not think the light pasty poops were from whole milk.

We'll try whole milk again and see what happens. If her poops revert to pasty pale, then the doctor actually wants to check NG's liver and bilirubin.

Is it diet? Is it a flu bug that won't quit? Is it her liver? Why are there so many unanswered questions when it comes to baby's health?

Is This It?

It has been a bad week for me, mostly because of an age-old struggle that I think many women face.

I'm getting old.

Okay, that's not really the way I want to convey this issue because it is complex and multifaceted, but that really is the bottom line.

How do I explain this?

First, last month I thought I was pregnant. In addition to the shock, I had to struggle with the fact that after the terrible physical, mental and emotional trauma the first pregnancy caused, I thought I was adverse to having a second child. Then I started my period 9 days late.

Second, this month, I thought I was pregnant again. Instead of shock, G. and I worked our way into an acceptance and then a tempered anticipation. We really could do it, we thought. I really could do it again, I thought, since they say every pregnancy is different. I felt ready.

Then the tests kept showing up negative despite an elevated progesterone level. Then I started my period on Sunday.

So what is happening to me? The obvious answer is perimenopause - the start of the process of menopause. I've read that perimenopause can last for up to 10 years prior to your period actually stopping (the literal pause).

Knowing my body is changing again - and this is beyond my control (yes, that stupid control thing) - is difficult for me to process. Because I'm going in that direction that, let's face it, none of us really want to go in. You know, old age. Death. Hate that.

Now I'm pretty convinced that I'm going to live to be about 100 since there is a lot of longevity on both sides of my family. I'm not feeling like I'm going to die tomorrow (at least I hope not). But I'm realizing that time is moving on and my window of opportunity to try for a second child is narrowing rapidly.

This week has been filled with all kinds of emotional episodes, both personally and professionally. Internally, I'm battling with several ideas:

1. Do I want to try for another baby?
2. If so, should I try now?
3. Should I just take care of myself and not try but be open to it?
4. Should I just take care of myself and decide not to try again?

And if I decide not to try again, what am I saying to myself? What am I acknowledging? What am I sacrificing?

If I don't have another baby - if I make that conscious decision - am I saying goodbye to my "fertile woman" self and stepping into that new stage - the "unfertile woman?" Am I that much closer to being "the crone?"

The media uses those innocuous terms like "baby boomer" and magazines scream headlines that say "60 is the new 40" while simultaneous telling us to take hormone replacement therapies, osteoporosis medication and anti-depressants. Nice. No wonder we are so confused and out of touch with - even afraid of - our own natural process of aging.

If I decide to try to have another baby - why am I doing it? Do I really want a second child knowing how much of a struggle just one child has been? Can I accept the fact that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother -I'm trying and learning as I go along and it IS getting better - but another child just might send me over the edge?

How can I be at peace with getting older? Getting old?

I've learned to be at peace with how my body changed during my quest for baby. From 2004 to 2007, I purposely gained 15 pounds to get to a healthier pregnancy-supportive weight of 135 pounds (9.6 stone). I looked in the mirror and suddenly saw my mother's body instead of what I had grown accustomed to seeing as my own. But I came to accept the weight gain as a necessary step to having a baby versus a loss of my Size Zero outfits. Boy, how stuck we can be in vanity and how hard it is to break out of it.

After baby, my body was damaged and partially incapacitated. Some of the damage is permanent so I had to learn to accept those damages as my own, accept my new post partum body as me even though some of the damage was inflicted on me by others (Reminder to those who haven't been following Babyfruit for long: The first night post partum, a nurse came into my room to "show" me how to breastfeed and proceeded to mangle my right areola leading to swelling and mastitis within days. The damage is permanent and visible.).

The incapacitated part - not being able to sit or stand without assistance and walking with a noticeable limp, not to mention the intense pain - finally got better 7 months post partum. But not knowing if I would heal or not, I learned to be accepting of - and accommodate for - my damaged body. I was lucky. I did heal and regain my strength as well as was able to address the chronic pain.

I guess I'm talking about all of this to say that it isn't that I cannot accept change - even change beyond my control. But the process of acceptance takes time. This is what blogs and therapists are really good for - talk through the process!

As I was writing this, what suddenly came to mind was "The Five Stages of Grief" (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross). How interesting that what she wrote about dying really applies to other stages of life as well. I feel like a part of me - the woman who I have been for over 25 years - is dying. A new woman will emerge from the ashes, but I don't know her yet. And frankly, I am a little afraid of her. But here are the stages - maybe these will help:

1. Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
2. Anger: "Why ME? It's not fair!" (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as "responsible")
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my child(ren) graduate."
4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK.

I think most of this fits with how I'm feeling. Here is how I'm experiencing it right now - The Five Stages of Losing My Fertility:

1. Denial: "I can't be going through menopause. Those aren't REALLY night sweats. I'm sure there is a perfectly logical explanation for all this hair loss. Hormones? What crazy hormones?

2. Anger: "How can this be happening to me? I'm not ready! It's not fair! I don't want to lose my ability to have a baby if I want one! I don't want to lose the me that I know so well!"

3. Bargaining: "Just let me have another 10 years of fertility, youthful looking skin and please give me my hair back. If you do, I promise I won't flaunt it or be vain. I promise to do good in the world (and look good while doing it)."

4. Depression: "I can't deal with it. I want to just crawl into bed and let my hair fall out, let my skin get thin and wrinkled, let my teeth turn yellow, let my body sag. I'm sure I deserve this. I'm  sure I'm being punished for being a bitch. I just want to hide in a dark hole and never come out again."

5. Acceptance: "This is it. This is life. I might as well get to know the "New Me." She can't be all that bad. Hey, nothing a little acupuncture, chiropractic care, massage, herbs and supplements, exercise, healthy diet and positive attitude can't help. At least to ease the shock of it all."

And why not a little hair color? Brown with beautiful auburn highlights? Because I'm worth it.

Yeah. It is really, really scary.

The Temple of Me

I need to start taking better care of myself.

My mother called yesterday and told me two things she noticed after looking at the family photos we share online:

1. My teeth are yellowing. "You should get those whitening strips," she told me after explaining that getting it professionally done is too expensive.

2. The creases around my eyes are getting very noticeable. "What kind of moisturizer are you using?" she asked, making me realize that after running out of a sample bottle of a great lotion from Terralina, I was cobbling together a facial regime from  whatever happened to be nearby including baby's lotion and calendula oil.

My knee jerk reaction to my mother's revelations was "there she goes again, criticizing me." But trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and imagining that she must have meant well, she did get me thinking about the fact that my entire self-care is cobbled together. An acupuncture appointment now and then. A Mayan abdominal massage once in a while. Chiropractor occasionally. Therapeutic massage about as often.

When was the last time I got a hair cut much less colored the grays? Not for any reason other than a little pampering and pick-me-up. I never get my nails done - toe or finger. Don't wear nail polish. Don't wear makeup. Keep forgetting to wear sunscreen. On rare occasion I do remember to put on a little lip color, hearing my mother's voice in the back of my head saying "The least you can do is put on lipstick. You look so pale."

Here are some things I'm going to make an effort to do, not for vanity's sake but simply to pay more attention to The Temple of Me.

1. Get an annual exam - a total physical.

2. Get a mammogram.

3. Get a nice haircut and hair color.

4. Get a facial.

5. Buy the face cream from Terralina that I've been eyeing on their web site.

6. Get a Mayan Abdominal massage twice a month.

7. Get a Reiki session.

8. Get a new pair of shoes. (I've been wearing the same black suede, fuzzy-on-the-inside Merrills that G. bought me two winters ago when I was pregnant with NG)

9. Get a new toothbrush. How did I let this one get so frayed? When was the last time I bought a new toothbrush?

10. Get a weekly Girls' Night Out organized and make a point of going.

And should I get those teeth whitening strips? I don't know. I think they seem like poison to me.

 

Will report back in a month how I've fared with tackling this list.

What are YOU doing to take care of yourself???

Bad Flu Bug...?

Well, verdict is finally in. Progesterone is 7.1 and still no hCG so we aren't looking preggers after all.

So why all the symptoms (several more popped up after my last post like night sweats, even more sore boobs, and more nausea)?

The nausea is currently being chalked up to the stomach flu which would mean I have had it now for at least 2 weeks.

The rest of the symptoms probably are tied to a logical explanation of some kind.

I can't say what emotion I'm feeling right now. It seems like a mix of some disappointment, a lot of confusion, a tiny dash of relief, and a bit of curiosity laced with a thread of concern.

Disappointment because G. and I were just about to get used to the idea of another baby.

Confusion because I don't know what is going on with me if not pregnancy. My ANP said "you must have had a really good ovulation" based on the Progesterone levels. Hmmmm...

Relief because our life is so good right now that another baby would make things hard again. We love our life, we love each other, we love our baby - it is just right.

Curiosity because I'm wondering if I could actually get pregnant if we put our minds to it again...and if we'd want to try. Note above ovulation comment.

Concern because maybe I am starting to go through menopause and even if we wanted to try again, it wouldn't be in the cards.

Well, I'm going to have a glass of wine and let it swish around with all the emotions, make some dinner for my hubby, play with our baby, and have a good night. Despite this nausea.