babyfruit: the miscarriage blog and motherhood diaries

GATT Update

Yesterday, I received an email from Amazon.com saying that they were out of stock of the cat that I found that seemed closest to GATT and that I had ordered with expedited shipping the other day.

What?!?

I was planning on scouring the Internet again including a link to stuffed cats that a Babyfruit reader emailed to me (thank you!).

Then tonight, while searching for the ever elusive pacifiers that seem to disappear daily and reappear in strange places, I found GATT!

GATT was wedged underneath the cushion bordering baby's crib between the slats and the mattress. There he was. It was really GATT.

Baby immediately called out to him.

"GATT!" she said with laughter in her voice.

Me? I was so teary-eyed I could barely see. I was ecstatic. G. said he thought I was happier than baby about seeing GATT again.

But then she wouldn't let GATT go as G. read books to her before bedtime. And she said GATT's name several more times, meowing to him.

And the last thing she just said before G. closed baby's bedroom door?

"GATT."

LOST: A Siamese Cat named GATT

I'm feeling like a very bad mommy.

I think I lost NGs lovey in the Costco parking lot on Thursday.

I can't figure out what else could have happened to it. But the bottom line is it is gone and ensuing panic and meltdowns are here. My panic. Baby's meltdowns.

How could this have happened?

First of all, it is all my fault. Not just the loss of her lovey that she calls GATT because for some reason she can't pronounce "K" sounds at the beginning of words yet. But because I was desperate for her to have a lovey - to cultivate the loving instinct in her that I wasn't seeing after all our very difficult bonding challenges in her early months. She just wasn't getting attached to anyone or anything.

So I began putting this gorgeous stuffed Siamese cat into her crib with her at night (she had been taking a stuffed lion to bed before that but her interest in it had waned). The cat was a gift to NG from a dear friend of mine in Wyoming. It is one of those super soft furred stuffed creatures with lovely features. After a few weeks of encouragement, NG began referring to her cat.

"GATT!" she'd say, reaching out to receive it.

"GAAAAaaaaatttt..." she'd purr with delight when it was in her arms. I'm getting teary-eyed just remembering how much it felt like a major accomplishment - that she was finally attached to something, even if at the time it wasn't me.

"GATT!!" she is insisting now at bedtime, and we try to explain that we can't find the cat. "GATT!!" she repeats with more insistence, and I don't know who is more panicked - her or me.

Last night, I made a list of steps I must take to find or replace GATT.

1. Go to Costco and see if GATT was turned into Lost and Found.

2. Go through the parking lot in the area I parked on Thursday and see if GATT is buried in the dirty ice coating the blacktop. (NOTE TO SELF: This is an inanimate object. Stop thinking those terrible thoughts of the stuffed cat freezing, filthy and possibly squashed under the tires of an SUV. Don't be crazy.)

3. Go to the two specialty toy stores in town that might - just might - have the same Siamese cat in their specialty stuffed animal sections.

4. Contact my dear friend in Wyoming who bought the cat for NG. (DONE.)

5. Scour the Internet some more to see if by chance the same cat is available. How many damn stuffed Siamese cats are there??!!??

Let's face it. I am desperate. And truth be told, I may be WAY more upset about the disappearance of GATT than NG. Like the time I cried and cried after a dog had gotten ahold of her stuffed lion (her previous, short-lived lovey) and ripped some of its mane out. NG didn't seem to notice although was it a coincidence that she lost interest in it shortly after the mane-mangling incident?

I know this whole Lost Lovey thing is actually very common, and I'm surprised it hasn't happened to us sooner as GATT has become more mobile with us and not only reserved for bedtime. But now that it has happened to us, I'm just really upset about the whole thing.

But I'll try to remain calm and all smiles each time NG asks for GATT. I'll try the Distraction Tactic, providing her with BOCKEY (her stuffed monkey) as a suitable alternative.

And when/if I find GATT (I can see myself now painstakingly cleaning its soft fur but it never being the same after the ravages of the Alaska elements and Costco parking lot), I promise to get a second, identical GATT as soon as possible. Or if I cannot find GATT, I'm buying two of them immediately. Because we can't go through this again.

Or more accurately...I can't!

So This is 43?

It is my birthday today. Baby is napping, I'm squeezing in just a little more work. Spent part of the day at the doctor trying to get a grip on all these strange physical symptoms I've been experiencing including the latest - a rash on my torso and arms. He attributed that to the recent viral infection I was fighting (throat/sinus extravaganza).

Overall, I liked what he had to say. He is the first male general practitioner I've seen in many years. He told me to just relax about everything - from the Effexor and when I should get off of it to the hair loss, night sweats, mixed up menstrual periods, et. al. His theory is that having a baby is a big hit to the hormones and they may or may not get back to normal within a year or longer.

So I'm backing off on taking anything new right now and will just pay attention to what I'm feeling, what I'm going through, and get back to my exercise regime (which has been sporadic with all the sickness running rampant through our house these last few months). Drink lots of water.

For the first time in a long time, I'm down to just Effexor and a Calcium supplement daily with a Vitamin D supplement once a week. I just stopped taking everything else because it was getting to be like dying your hair - you just forget what your real hair color is like after all the changes. I just want to figure out where my health is without all the extra stuff.

Also, G. said someone he knows who was on Effexor said night sweats are a symptom. Another mystery solved. It seems figuring out where your health is going is a combination of good health practitioners, a little bit of reading books and the Internet, asking around to people you know, and a touch of luck.

I'm enjoying my reading glasses because I can finally get back to my crossword puzzles and keeping up with my magazine subscriptions. I couldn't figure out why both were so hard for me lately. Duh - I couldn't see!

So this is 43.

The Temple of Me Update

I made a list recently of 10 things I need to do for myself. I'm learning just why mothers never take care of themselves - who has the time??? But I'm plugging through the list, and here is where I'm at so far.

1. Get an annual exam - a total physical.

Got it this week. I was told that all the "weird" symptoms I've been having this entire time is nothing more than classic peri-menopause and that it will probably last 10-15 years before actual menopause. Mystery solved? I sure hope so. I'm going to start taking a progesterone supplement from Day 10 of my cycle until Day 2 of my following cycle for a while and see if it helps stop the night sweats and massive hair loss.

2. Get a mammogram.

Will be scheduling this for after the holiday. After this weeks terrible news about an online friend and breast cancer, I am adamant about getting this done ASAP. With my fibrocystic cyst-filled breasts, you can never be too careful. I've been getting them done annually since I was 35.

3. Get a nice haircut and hair color.

Did it and don't really like it. My hair texture has changed so much that I feel like I have a head of straw. And the color isn't what I had hoped. I'm going to do some hair stylist hopping around town until I find a miracle worker - but will wait a few months before trying this one again.

4. Get a facial.

 

Got it! Relaxing even if not entirely cleansing. I miss the facials I used to get a Let's Face It in NYC from Marcy who later founded Bliss Spa and changed her name to Marcia!

5. Buy the face cream from Terralina that I've been eyeing on their web site.

Have been spending so much money on husband and baby, keep forgetting to buy this for myself. Note to self: Get online and SHOP!

6. Get a Mayan Abdominal massage twice a month.

Need to start scheduling in January.

7. Get a Reiki session.

Need to schedule this in January.

8. Get a new pair of shoes. (I've been wearing the same black suede, fuzzy-on-the-inside Merrills that G. bought me two winters ago when I was pregnant with NG)

Got a new pair of fuzzy-on-the-inside brown Merrills! Early birthday present from my husband. Love them.

9. Get a new toothbrush. How did I let this one get so frayed? When was the last time I bought a new toothbrush?

Got it!

10. Get a weekly Girls' Night Out organized and make a point of going.

Started this last month, and we've had two now. Everyone LOVES them. It seems I'm not the only woman - mother or otherwise - who is not taking time to reach out to girlfriends and go out just for fun - without the kids or significant other. It is a HIT!!

Elmo Addiction

Hello, my name is Babyfruit and I'm the mother of an Elmo addict.

There, I said it. And I must confess: I'm feeding her addiction.

Is this the right thing to do? Or am I once again on the slippery slope to Mommy Hell?

Every morning now, she runs through a list of names when she wakes up:

DOGGIE! (our Chihuahua usually runs in and out of her room when I go in to get NG)

DADA! (G. is usually at work by the time NG wakes but she always asks for him)

GEEGEE! (her best friend's name)

and lately...

MELL MO!

There it is. Elmo has taken his place alongside father, best friend and pet.

And as I bring her into the living room, she begins to beg for her fix.

"Mell mo? Mell Mo! Mell Mo? Mellll Mooooo?"

"Not yet, baby. Let's have breakfast first."

"MELL MO??" her voice moves up a few octaves and decibels as she begins experiencing withdrawals.

Cruel mommy for letting baby suffer so. And often, I give in and turn on Elmo so she can settle down.

We now have 2 Elmo DVDs with 2 more on the way courtesy of Grandpa (I've convinced him feed baby's addiction as well. What am I? An Elmo pimp?) And an Elmo doll will be waiting for baby when we visit Grandpa early next year.

We also have 2 Elmo books so far. I'd get more but can't find them in town and haven't placed my order on Amazon.com yet.

Is this a bad thing? Isn't an Elmo addiction WAY better than a Barney addiction? Elmo is WAY cuter than the creepy Barney. And I even enjoy watching Elmo's World with baby, so isn't that a really good thing?

I know Elmo is only the beginning to little addiction fads that baby will have. But I'm thinking that this is a safe addiction, and maybe I won't be burning in Mommy Hell for feeding it.

What do you think?