babyfruit: the miscarriage blog and motherhood diaries

Sweat But No Blood

My period is now officially 7 days late. But before you start offering tentative congratulations, let me just tell you that I took a home pregnancy test, and it is so negative that the single pink line practically screamed "Not Pregnant!!"

This happened to me back in October. My period was 9 days late, and then it came on with a vengeance. In November, my period was late again so I went to my NP (nurse practitioner) for tests. Blood test showed elevated progesterone but no hCG. Decidedly NOT pregnant but clearly having a progesterone surge.

I sat in the bathroom yesterday, about to pee on the stick, and I ran through the gamut of thoughts and emotions.

"What if I AM pregnant this time?"

"We just had a lot of expenses these last few months. We can't afford another child right now."

"NG really would love a baby brother or sister."

"I'm really afraid this might put too much pressure on G. - he's still recovering from his foot surgery."

"Can I handle another child?"

"I think I can handle another child - if we can manage my post partum depression."

"What if I have to go off my medicine right now? Will I be okay?"

"I haven't been taking extra folic acid - what if the baby has Down Syndrome because of that?

"G. and my relationship could handle another child, right?"

Now that the test shows a definitively single pink line, the thoughts in my head are just as numerous but singing a different tune.

"We just got through post partum depression - how are we going to survive perimenopause?"

"Does this really mean no chance of having another baby?"

"What if my medication can't handle these new hormonal surges, and I plummet back into PPD hell?

"Am I really getting old?"

"What if G. wants to leave me for a younger, more fertile model?"

"What else is going to happen to my body against my will that I'm going to have to deal with?"

"Do I really have to just suck it up?"

I've had night sweats the last few nights which tells me that:

1. I'm not pregnant.

2. I'm having hormonal surges at night.

3. I need to stock up on more cotton nightshirts because I'm going through them like they're going out of style.

I have about 5 books about perimenopause and a few on menopause that I picked up cheap at a library book sale last year. They still sit on my nightstand unread. I'm almost afraid to read them but they will probably answer some of my questions. G. and I are talking a lot about these changes, and hopefully that will answer some more of my questions.

But some of them may remain unanswered.

MommyUtterz: Baby MRI & Pending Surgery

More on the crossing eye...

And the family that patches together...

Yes, her left eye is patched in this photo. We're actually patching her right eye to strengthen her left/crossing eye (even though in another photo her right eye is crossing) but right before I took this photo, she took off the patch and put it on the other eye. Basically, I'm going crosseyed myself from these confusing things but trying to keep it all straight.

More Eye Crossing News

I did a quick MommyUtterz about NG's eye issue.

And NG joined in for a little BabyUtterz, too!

Little Vices

I've been on my own with NG since yesterday afternoon, and I'm introducing her to my little vices as we are hanging out together. Last night, for example, we each had a little bowl of icecream - Moose Tracks - although I tried to avoid the fudge ribbons and peanut butter cups in her bowl. Just the vanilla.

Then today, we went grocery shopping, and my favorite thing to do is to get a big bag of really good savory potato chips - kettle chips, crinkle cut, classic flavor this time - and eat them in the car on the way home. I've been known to go through a whole bag by myself. It started when I was pregnant with NG. I'd especially go for the honey dijon flavor.

So NG was screaming for food once we got into the car - which she doesn't do with her Dad, of course - and I give in because I can't drive when she is screaming. I handed her a crinkle cut BBQ chip.

"Yummy," she said.

"Yeah, pretty yummy," I told her.

"Peeeze," she said, rubbing her chest in the sign language sign for "Please."

I gave her another. And another.

Now I have a stomach ache. But she seems fine so far. Of course, I'm making dinner now - spaghetti. We'll see if she eats it.

If she doesn't, it is my fault, so I'll give her whatever sounds good to eat. Like applesauce. Or black olives. Or a spoon full of peanut butter. Right now, she is eating a piece of uncooked spaghetti.

I love the taste of foods, and I think she enjoys it, too. I'm over trying to make sure she eats a perfectly balanced organic meal. I'm just happy she eats.