babyfruit: the miscarriage blog and motherhood diaries

Up Late But Feeling Better

What a difference a few days and a therapy session can make. Had to figure out what I needed to do to get a grip on everything. Came away from the session with some excellent advice:

1. Help G. to better articulate what he needs but realize that he may not be able to do so. Then it will be up to me to "fill in the cracks."

2. Our home represents some balance struggles over the last year. Now that it is summer here, spend more time out of the house as a family.

3. Make family our center.

4. Strive for harmony.

Harmony was the exact word I thought of as I drove downtown to my appointment. I just want to know how to have more harmony in our lives.

Fundamentally, I am in the best relationship I've ever been in and could ever dream of. I'm actually not complaining about it at all. I just think we've been through a lot of crap - professionally, personally on individual levels, and together - and we have to work together more than ever to get through it.

I'm just looking for ways to not just cope. I don't want things like NG's upcoming MRI and eye surgery to be a straw that will break the proverbial camel's back. I don't think it will be now - but a few days ago, it seemed likely.

I told G. the basic gist of my appointment and what I got out of it. Somehow, that seemed to help him a lot. I think he needed some kind of reassurance that I'm totally in love with him and committed to making our relationship work - for life. I don't know how he could ever doubt that. But I guess I filled in some cracks by giving him that reassurance. I guess that is one of the things he needs but doesn't know how to ask.

Is it really a Mars/Venus thing? Do guys really think so differently that they can't express how they feel or what they need from their partner?

I'm finding that marriage is like traveling through foreign countries. Nothing is familiar, a different language is spoken practically every day, culture clashes are commonplace, and the food doesn't always sit right in my belly. But I'm fascinated and inspired and committed to traveling every inch of this thing and revisiting the good parts over and over again until the day I die.

Baby's Crossed Eyes Needing Surgery

The Secret to Happiness

Image via Wikipedia

I'm just not doing well today. Can't seem to put my finger on it exactly but let me try. Here is my Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Just Not Up to Snuff list.

10. I kept NG home today because she was fussy, snotty and hacking - the tail end of viral croup. I thought I was doing the right thing for her, but at the same time, it was the wrong thing for me in terms of getting work done.

9. I have several deadlines including a last minute grant submission due by tomorrow and today just was not the day to not be able to get any work done.

8. I have not been able to get any significant work done. So of course, I hop over here to blog, not to avoid work, but to blow off steam. And this post will only take me about 4 more minutes to complete.

7. After a 51 day cycle, I finally started my period on Day 52. I am now on Day 8. This week, I hate being a woman in her 40s.

6. My hair is still falling out. I'm having only bad hair days these days because it is so thinned out. Then I pull it back so at least I look presentable. Then more hair comes out because it has been pulled back all day. Contemplating shaving my head again. Did I mention that I hate being a woman in her 40s?

5. G. forgot it was Mothers Day this past weekend. When I finally got the nerve to casually mention it - as he was preparing to leave the house to go 4-wheeling - instead of changing his plans, he got mad at me for "making him feel guilty." I tried to be understanding, but it still hurt my feelings. He went out anyway.

4. It is almost summertime which means I need to revisit going off Effexor. Things have been so even keep for us - for the most part- with me on low-dose medication. I'm now afraid to even contemplate going off it because I can finally function.

3. I'm worried about the next time I won't be able to function again. My whole business, livelihood, sense of personal worth, is based on being able to do what I do and to do it well. What happens when that goes away again? Like during menopause? Or if I get Alzheimers?

2. I'm not so keen on NG being in day care anymore. It just seems to be way too much for her - she's not even 2 years old and is away from 9:30am until 5:30pm. That is a lot, even for an adult. I want to talk to G. about this but am worried about how he will react.

1. NG is going to need an MRI (under general anesthesia) and eye surgery. This scares me to death.

No wonder I feel like shit.

Now why did I call this post Secret to Happiness? At this point, I have no earthly idea.