Accidental Titration, Purposeful Love

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Last night was horrible, and it was entirely my fault.

I forgot to fill my "emergency pill box" with my Effexor. I try to keep it filled and in my purse for those times that I'm away from the house and my little alarm goes off at noon to take my medication.

Yesterday, I was working at a cafe, my alarm went off, and I readed into my purse for my pill box. Empty. Okay, no need for panic, I told myself. I can go a few hours without it, can stay and finish my work, meet with a colleague, then head home to take it, right?

Did some work, had the meeting, then realized the time and had to run to the bank and then to the grocery store to get something to make for dinner. Headed home, got dinner started, and went back to work until G. got home with NG.

I was teaching a class on blogging in the evening so wolfed down some dinner, then hugged G. goodbye.

"Hug! Hug!" NG exclaimed. G. and I looked at each other with surprise. She hadn't really asked for a hug like that before. I went over and gave he a big hug and she giggled. Ah, that was nice.

Ran out the door, got a little lost on my way to the class, then realized that I had forgotten to take my meds. I called G. and told him.

"Do you want me to drive some over to you at your class?" he asked, worry sounding in his voice.

"No, I'll be okay."

We hung up, and I rummaged through my computer bag, locating a 2nd emergency pill box and shook it. A pill was inside. I called G. back.

"Don't worry. I found one," I told him.

Once at the classroom, I opened the 2nd pillbox only to find a Vitamin D capsule. I took it anyway because it couldn't hurt and maybe it could help.

Then I began teaching the class. At one point, my sinuses began filling up suddenly. I felt this strange pressure in my face and an inability to breathe through my nose. A woman I know who was attending the class gave me a Zyrtec which I took, hoping it would clear me up.

As the class continued, I began to feel a little dizzy and out of it. Must be the Zyrtec, I thought.

Five minutes before I finished teaching, I felt a huge wave of pressure rising from my jaw to the top of my head that kept undulating and hurting more and more. I continued speaking but felt a wave of nausea join in on the undulating pain in my head. Was I going to be sick?

I finally finished my thought and excused myself to the ladies room. Don't get sick. Don't get sick. I thought to myself. By now, I was feeling some disorientation on top of the brain-splitting pain and nausea. My ears were ringing. My heart was racing. Is this what it feels like to die, I wondered. If this is what it feels like, give me morphine, please.

You can get home, I told myself. I went back into the room and everyone wanted to speak with me, ask a few more questions, chat. My head was reeling. I couldn't even tell anyone how terrible I felt because every ounce of my being was focused on standing upright and moving toward the door.

Get home now. Get home now. I gripped my bags and made my way out of the building. Everything was so bright at nearly 9pm but of course it was. This is Alaska in the summer. I made my way to my car, and as I drove home I thought how people I know are concerned that I sometimes talk on my cell phone while driving (not illegal in Alaska). I'd have to say it is far worse to be driving while accidentally titrating off one's medication.

As I drove with my right hand, I pressed the fingers of left hand into my face, trying to relieve the waves of pressure. When stopped at the light, I squeezed the soft spot between my thumb and forefinger, an accupressure point for relieving headaches. I couldn't remember the point for relieving nausea. Driving home was like being on the rough seas in a dingy. Without a life jacket.

I called ahead and told G. that I didn't have my medicine after all and to please have it ready for me. When I pulled up and parked the car, our Black Lab came running up to me and seemed to be helping me get to the house. By now I was feeling like I was moving through a firestorm. Everything was moving the wrong ways, everything was hurting me, everything hurt.

Finally, I made it to the kitchen where my medicine was on the counter. G. brought me a glass of water. NG was sitting on the sofa in the living room calling out to me. I didn't want her to be worried so made my way to the sofa and sat beside her.

"Remember I told you - Mommy isn't feeling well," G. said as he sat back down to read to NG.

NG turned and leaned into me, putting her arms around me. We sat and listened to G. reading, with her holding me like that, for a good 10 minutes. She had never done anything like that before. Then she reached for her favorite blue blanket and pulled it over to me, handing it to me for comfort. I held onto her and held onto her blue blanket and prayed for the medicine to kick in.

After G. put NG to bed, I asked him to look up Zyrtec and Effexor to make sure that I hadn't inadvertently combined medications that should not be mixed. I was feeling so sick that I was worried I was having a bad reaction to something.

I headed to our bedroom, stripped off my clothes and crawled under the comforter in the dark. I could hear G. talking in the other room and found out that he was calling our medical insurance company to see if someone on their help line could help. They couldn't. I think he would have called a doctor or the hospital but I encouraged him to come to bed instead.

Every step he took in our room, every move he made, sent ripples of pain and nausea through me. But I just tried to relax. I took two Advils, hoping that would alleviate some of the pain. How would I get to sleep like this? On top of it all, my sinuses were still so stuffed but it felt weird, like they were swollen shut instead of filled up.

At some point, I fell asleep despite the roiling waves of nausea and excruciating pain.

I woke up this morning feeling hollow, light-headed but pain and nausea free. Frankly, I was happy to be alive.

I'm still a little dizzy and disoriented, but able to read, write and work. I'm going to call my practitioner today and get a followup on the Effexor. I was supposed to take it for 3 months. That extended to a year. And a year is June 30.

What next? I think I am so much better on it than off. But it scares the hell out of me to know what 9 hours without it can do to me.

Oh, and yes, I have filled up my emergency pillbox, and it is safely tucked away in my purse.

Comments

[Eva]

I had no idea that stuff was so powerful. How scary! And if it works, no reason not to take it for vanity's sake.

[christy]

Holy cow! I bet you and G were scared. Good thing you have little NG to comfort you!

[Sam]

I've tried Celexa, Lexapro, Effexor, Elavil, Xanax, and Cymbalta (to name a few). I will never take Effexor again. The withdrawals are horrid. If you ever decide to switch or get off of it, I recommend going onto something else first to make the transition easier, to take the edge off so to speak. When I completely went off of Effexor it took me months to get rid of all the withdrawal symptoms. I've been told by a doctor that the withdrawals are on par with Paxil (the other big bad one) and Heroin.

[Jane]

Can't comment on the medication issue, but it's good to hear you made it safely home. What you went through sounds like a vision of hell.
Hey, great team work from the family!

[finch]

I was on Lexapro for about 9 mos after birth of my daughter. I weaned myself off very, very slowly -- kept cutting the pills in half, then every other day, etc. etc. but took a week or more for each step of the withdrawal process. I was pretty meticulous about it b/c I didn't want to experience the wacky side-effects. It worked just fine for me. I think you can come off when you're ready (if you want to), but just do it very slowly....no worries.

[Julia]

sorry to hear about your terrible night! happy birthday to N.G. though. it's better than you bought her a cake! i baked a cake for my DD for her 1st birthday and it turned into a burnt cookie that no one dared to try except for me. LOL. fortunately, knowing my cooking skills, i bought a back-up cake. =) Happy Birthday again!

[Kat]

Missing one dose should not do that to you. Also after being on the same med for a year your body does get use to it. So perhaps it is time to discuss with your doctor a change. They will slowly ween you off this med, start you on a low dose of another and build up your doses over a period of 2-3 weeks. I'd really like to see you on a healthy regime of vitamin E, D, A, Calcium, Fish Oil and others (over 40 program I posted for you before). Use all pharma grade vitamins and you'll find you can use lower doses of anti-depressant/anxiety medications.

[Kat]

Missing one dose should not do that to you. Also after being on the same med for a year your body does get use to it. So perhaps it is time to discuss with your doctor a change. They will slowly ween you off this med, start you on a low dose of another and build up your doses over a period of 2-3 weeks. I'd really like to see you on a healthy regime of vitamin E, D, A, Calcium, Fish Oil and others (over 40 program I posted for you before). Use all pharma grade vitamins and you'll find you can use lower doses of anti-depressant/anxiety medications.

[Kia]

I'm with Sam on this one. I took Effexor for a long time, but when I tried to go off of it, I was getting brain zaps, nauseau, the works! It was horrible. I never want to witness that again. I hope you never forget your pills again!