And supposedly she came out of my body...

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I'm puzzled, and maybe a bit alarmed, by my latest self-awareness revelation.

The other evening G. asked something to the effect of "Doesn't it just amaze you to think she came out of your body?" Referring to NG, of course.

She came out of my body.

Hmmmm....

I'm sorry, that doesn't compute. I mean intellectually I understand that physically she did come out of my body - and not by cesarean either - but that statement that "she came out of my body" doesn't elicit some kind of awe or emotion per se.

Now don't get me wrong. I have really grown to love NG. I have even found myself telling her that I love her even though she may not yet totally understand the words.

But when I think that she came from my body, it feels so disconnected. I don't have that feeling I've read about that your child is "your heart now living on the outside of your body" or some such sentiment. I feel she is a separate little being, and she is interesting, beautiful, funny and sometimes a pain in my ass. But she came from my body? Yes she did, but what does that really mean?

I look at her and don't see me in her, at least not on a physical level. Her tiny face is such a mini-me of G. that it is uncanny. He says she has my eyebrows. Yes, she does have nicely defined brows unlike his wispy near-invisible ones. But the rest of her is all G.

Attitude-wise, she is my mini-me. She is all stubborn, bossy, demanding, exacting, impatient. Yes, she is more like me on the inside than on the outside. So in a way, I feel more connected to the statement "She acts just like you" than anything else.

Come to think of it - while everyone we encounter anywhere comments on how beautiful she is, they have never once said to me "She looks so much like you." If they see G., they do remark on how she is a spitting image of her Daddy. But never once about me.

That's fine with me. Because I think it is good that she looks like G. since he is damn good looking. And I don't need her to look like me for me to feel more connected to her. Or do I? Would it help if I looked at her and saw my own features? I wonder.

I attribute this feeling of non-connectedness to two things:

1. the major bonding barriers and trauma in our first year while I suffered through post partum depression and she (and G.) suffered along with me;

2. possibly the medication I'm taking. It does take the very jagged edges off my nerves but maybe in the process of evening me out, it blocks some of my more intense feelings - like the feeling of connectedness to my own child.

Again, I love NG. I just don't get some swelling of emotion or hear the music soar when I think that she came out of my body. Maybe intellectually I can admit that childbirth is quite the miracle. But emotionally it just doesn't seem to have done anything for me from a bonding standpoint.

I wonder if I'm broken and if any of this can be fixed.

Comments

[Eva]

I consider myself to be very well bonded with my little girl and yet the phrase "she came out of my body" doesn't resonate with me either. My little girl seems totally separate, too. Childbirth was so long ago and such a strange adn fraught experience. Thinking about it now seems like some unpleasant thing that happened to me, but not something that has a lot to do with my relationship to my girl. So you don't seem broken at all to me. Like I said, my little girl and I have bonded easily and well from the beginning, but I feel the same way as you on this topic.

[Jane]

Lately I have begun to question whether I am a very nice person at all. I've started to pick fault with my 4yo. If only he could be more like me! Just so you know how strong I tried to bond- I breastfed him for 3 years, did the babywearing and still co-sleep-
It is just that he's started a habit of breaking into hysterical fake laughter and as for those annoying clicking noises he makes with his tongue...
There are parts of his character which I despair over- lack of patience and short temper.
Ahh, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a daughter! -better luck next time! Joke.
I am still totally committed to supporting and encouraging him it's just hard relating to a mini man who seems cut from completely different cloth to me. (I guess he's just much nicer than his cold hearted Mutti.)

[aliza at babyfruit]

I'm so grateful for honest feedback and gut-honest feelings. It isn't all butterflies and bunnies. Not every mom fawns over the glitter fairy stardust of motherhood. Thank GOD. I don't think that makes us less good mommies. I think that makes us human and in touch with our real emotions.

[Orodemniades]

Me too! Pregnancy seems like a dream, now, and it's clear the even in the womb the Chieftain was most definitely his own person.

And he's the spitting image of his dad.

Motherhood is...weird. I still feel disconnected, especially when he's not in my sights/arms/sling. It's strange, everything and more, but also less, than I expected. And I had pretty low expectations.

[Vanessa]

You are not broken AT ALL.

This is just a continuation of the supposed mommymagic we're all supposed to be under the spell of but doesn't really exist for most. I mean, Remember pregnancy? I remember people telling me I'd feel the magic connection the first time I felt the baby move. But to me, it was a gross feeling, like I'd swallowed an eel. And I felt horrible about not feeling the magicness for like, half an hour.

Don't worry. As long as you love NG and she knows it, you're fine.

[Kat]

I really don't know any mommy, other than my mother-in-law, that bonded at birth. I really don't think it happens in our generation if you were someone that had a career and then had a child. Yes, it's embarrassing (or so I use to think so) to say it took me two years to bond with my child. I didn't realize it was post partum. My family wasn't well formed and I was thrown into moving from the only state I had ever known into a new one with a new family of strangers. Now six years later, I am embarrassed to say I find myself questioning why I got pregnant in the first place. The attitude, the indifference, the sassy, the red pencil, the smart ass --- oh yeah, the little me. Smack me in the face. Hard reality. Any woman that says she loves being a mom 24/7 I no longer say "god bless", I say "wtf". At this age I can't even lock myself in the bathroom to take a shower. No drawer in my bedroom in off limits. No shelf is too high, no lock is to safe, no drawer is too secure, no computer is too difficult. Mini-me is a maxi-me times a 1000. HELP!!!!!!!!

[seepi]

WEll I'm bonded and have been since early on. I've heard that pain relief at birth switches off that instant bonding moment - who knows.

Anyway - for me, I've notced that when I talk about teh birth it is 'the baby', but when I talk about her now I use her name. I think I just cna't identify my gorgeous girl causing me all that pain at birth, so I refer to that entity as 'the baby'.

Whatever works in your own mind I guess!

[Jill]

I don't think you're broken. I think that, like me, you take time getting used to things. My husband and I used to have a joke about my "not feeling married yet" when we were about two years married. Intellectually, I knew I was married and I loved my husband (still do) but married was a concept I couldn't get my head around.
I'm not sure when I started feeling married but I had no such problem with my son. I felt like a mom from the minute I conceived. I'm hype-aware of my body so I knew when I got pregnant (Valentine's Day! After a ride in a horse-drawn carriage and lunch at The Ritz!)
With my son, my problem was different; I felt like an imposture. I worried I wasn't a good enough mom. I worried I wouldn't make nourishing meals or that I couldn't stay up all night with him when he was sick. Turns out I didn't make nourishing meals but he didn't starve and I was a natural at caring for sick kids.
The point is, I think you're doing better than you realize. I'm also on medication for depression and I truly believe a lot of the feeling I get when I don't take a pill are purely psychological.
Good luck!