The Bite

Yesterday evening, as we arrived at the gym with NG in tow, I noticed a mark on her arm.

"Honey, does that look like a bite mark to you?"

G. looked down at NG's left arm at a round bruise resembling the upper and lower teeth in a very small mouth.

"Yeah, it does kind of look like a bite mark."

"Baby, did someone bite you here?" I asked.

"Yeah," NG said and nodded.

"Did it hurt?"

"Yeah," she said.

"Did you cry?"

"Yeah," she said and nodded again.

"Who bit you, baby?"

And NG said the name of a little boy in her day care.

"He bit you?"

"Yeah," she said again.

I looked at G. and asked him if anyone at the day care told him someone big NG when he had picked her up. They hadn't said anything to him.

I didn't know what to do. We brought her to the gym's childcare room, and I brought the bruise to the care provider's attention so she didn't think it happened at the gym. Then I asked G. to take a photo of NG's arm.

Then I asked her again, "Did someone bite you here?"

"Yeah," was her reply.

"Did it hurt?"

"Yeah," she said.

"Did you cry?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know who did it?"

And again she said the same little boy's name.

G. and I discussed the situation again over the course of the evening. I was in shock but could feel anger creeping up inside of me. Why didn't the day care tell us?

"Maybe they didn't know it happened," G. said.

OK, that is very possible.

"So how do I handle this?" I asked, having zero experience with being a mother whose child comes home from day care with a very distinct bite mark on her forearm.

"You ask them tomorrow if they know what happened," G. said.

"But do I ask the teacher or do I go to the head of the school?"

"The teacher first. See what she says."

I constantly feel totally inadequate and unprepared as a mother. Just when I figure out something major and feel good about it, a new thing comes along. Oh yeah (thump on the head). That is what parenting is all about.

So I'm wondering: What would you do in this situation? How would you handle it? How would this make you feel?

Comments

[Wendy]

Just delurking to say that for a month or so while my son (he's 9 now) was in daycare, he was repreatedly bitten by the same child. We did receive an "incident report" each time, which at least made me feel a bit better that the staff had recognized the problem. However, one week he was chomped on every day of the week. By Friday I was steaming. Was I paying through the nose so my kid could be the class teething toy? I was about to erupt into a rage, when one of the staff members said quietly, "Be glad it's not your kid doing the biting." And she was right. I think Jaws was eventually tossed from day care because he couldn't be controlled. So while no one wants their child to run around with teeth marks decorating her arms, it's still better than your kid playing class cannibal! Good luck. In my eyes you are doing a great job as a parent.

[susie]

Shortly after my son started at his new daycare, he came home one day with a bruise on his back. When I asked him about it, he said "Bobby push you." (Not the real name.) I asked him similar questions to yours, above, and he repeated "Bobby push you" several times.

He was just over 2 years old and "Bobby" was a few months older.

I called the daycare the next morning (he was not scheduled to attend that day) and talked to the teacher. She said that both Bobby and my son had been pushing each other on the playground the day before but that she didn't realize anyone had gotten hurt. I made it clear that I expected to ALWAYS be informed whether my son was being pushed or doing the pushing. Our old daycare was much more forthcoming with all kinds of daily information (we moved and had to switch).

Since then I've been informed much more frequently when my son is doing something antisocial or when he is involved with some other child's antisocial behavior. It's given us opportunities to talk about all kinds of things, like if someone pushes you, "walk away, tell the teacher." etc. Also, one day when he pulled someone's hair, or another day when he bit someone (months apart, I should add), I was able to impose some penalties at home for that behavior.

[Eva]

I would talk to the teacher and see how she reacts. It's hard navigating these things with childcare. I'm so sorry she got bitten.

[Mimi]

Hi! Preschool teacher here! Hopefully the teacher wasn't the person that was with your child at some point in the day. She should know about this and if she doesn't then someone is not doing what they are supposed to. It could be that they were in the process of writing a report for you and she got picked up before it was ready. IF they didn't even know that it happened then they need to check into it. Where were they that they didn't know? If someone did know and neglected to report it, please do so now (and include that in the report).

Yes, it happens sometimes but it really shouldn't. Really. Hopefully you get some answers quickly and you should not feel that you can't ask these questions. They can probably imagine being in your shoes, so see how it goes when you talk to her. And Good Luck...

[Lynnette]

Definitely go to the teacher first. There should have been an incident report filed, and it is not acceptable for them not to tell you about this. With that said, having your kid be in daycare probably means they will either get bitten or will be biting other kids. Mine was getting bitten repeatedly for a few weeks, and when I questioned them, I was told she kept taking other people's toys. It didn't last long, as I think the kids have established a pecking order (ha ha) or the biters learned how to control themselves. I'd reserve going to the director for really big infractions. You don't want to be the Mom that rats out the teacher for small issues, as it's important to stay on their good side.

[aliza]

I must say that everything worked out. I went to the teacher, just inquiring about what happened, how they handled it, and she apologized for forgetting to tell me. She was very nice about it and then this evening sent Noa home with an incident report.

Despite them forgetting yesterday, I have to say I'm just VERY impressed with this school. They've been incredibly responsive on many levels and super respectful of me as a parent. I'm learning a lot from them and they are open to explaining and teaching even me, 1st Time Mommy.

NG did try to bite G. last nite. Ah, the bad habits they learn!

[aliza]

Also, NG was entirely accurate about what happened - the teacher conveyed the same but at first did not reveal the child's name but when I told her who NG said it was, she said it was. They immediately put an ice compress on the bite - the one thing NG didn't relay but don't know if she knows the word for ice pack.

[Mo]

When it comes to daycare if you are really overall happy with your school then go for using the teachers as a resource. I ask all kinds of questions, health, development and get great information, which is invaluable as a older 1st time mommy. Sometimes I just like to check in with a thought. I talk to my mom alot but sometimes she has old advice or thinking. It's really helpful to connect with someone who actually studied child development. When my daughter was potty training. I kept checking in with the teacher and her take on how things would play out was right on target.

[Carrie]

I recently had a miscarriage and I have been reading your entire blog. It really was uplifting until I got to the point where your last pregnancy was successful and you had the baby. It seems you have been completely miserable ever since. You are on anti-depressants, having problems with your spouse, and your child spends her days in day care? What a mess. Watch your baby yourself, do not depend on $11/hour day care staff to monitor your baby girl.

[Lynnette]

I'm posting again because the comment made by Carrie has been bothering me for two days now. I'm sorry she had a miscarriage, but that in no way gives her the right to judge you for being a working mother. Deciding to be a working mother is a very hard and personal decision, and it in no way means you cherish your little girl any less than a SAHM. Daycare is not a horrible, evil place, but a place where the likes of my daughter is thriving. We working mothers make the most of our time with our kids, and I'd be willing to bet the 1:1 quality time is about equal. So I felt the twinge from her comment, and wanted to let you know I'm a fellow working mother who supports you.

[Carrie]

Hi Lynette-
I'm sorry you feel that the time your baby spends with his/her mother is equal to the the time that he/she spends with a day care employee. In no way is quality time "1:1" that is why my comment bothered you for 2 days. I was commenting on the tone of the blog as a whole, not day care alone. Everyone agrees day care is no substitute for a mom. It is my understanding that the mom in this case is a writer-isn't that a profession that can be done at home? I did not realize this was a cheerleading session for day care. YAY biters! WOO HOO for neglected kids!

[Mo]

Is it really necessary to have an "us vs. them" arguement? When one actually gets the baby that one has so desired so many fantasies go out the window. Life with a child and marriage are complicated endeavors. There is no right way to "raise a kid." It's easy to be judgemental of other people's choices. Working through the logistics of actually being a parent is much harder than the mythology of motherhood allows. The pain and loss of miscarriage are profound, but know that actually having the baby and figuring out the rest of one's life is also a painful process. Though I may not agree with everything that Aliza does or all her choices, the importance of this blog and others like it (if there actually are others) is to take the glamour out of what is actually a chaotic, intense and many times joyful process of reinventing the self and becoming a mother. So much out in the world that considers motherhood is sugar-coated and BS. The honesty shared here is incredibly helpful and humanizing of role that is really disregarded while mythologized at the same time. Becoming a mom can be a knock down experience for a variety of reasons. I think that Aliza has given many people a great gift in sharing the messiness of her experience.

[Amy V]

Aliza, I have been reading your blog for years. I have never commented before, but Carrie has brought me out of the woodwork. First of all, I am sorry that you had a miscarriage, Carrie. That is certainly something I would not wish on anyone.
However, I can not believe that you would automatically assume that anyone who puts their child in daycare thinks "YAY biters! WOO HOO for neglected kids!". That is the most ignorant idea I've seen on the internet in a long time. I have two children myself, and I work from home. And...my children go to daycare!! I would venture to say if I tried to work from home AND watch the kids, then they would absolutely be neglected. Daycare is not a substitute for a mom, but for my children, it is a stimulating, nurturing environment where they learn how to interact with other children and adults. And I agree with Lynette; my time with my children is 100% quality time because when we are home together, my focus is totally on them.
I sincerely hope you have the family you are trying for, Carrie. But then maybe you will understand that Aliza is simply being honest in her post-baby blogging. Spending 100% of her time with her little girl would not in any way change any of the other realities of having a family.

[Stacey]

Aliza, I really appreciate your honesty on this blog. I had a miscarriage a few months ago and found your blog as I searched the internet trying to make sense of what had happened to me(came here by way of googling "celebrity miscarriages" - somehow I felt better knowing famous women miscarried too!) I find it incredibly refreshing to read an honest voice on what it is like to be a mother. Thank you.

Just de-lurking to say that I enjoy your blog, and I think the comment made by the individual who sadly had a miscarriage is unfortunate. Motherhood, marriage, mental health, life in general are complicated - and we all do the best we can, given our situations at the time! I think it's great that you share that reality with others. And, for the judgmental folk out there, I'm currently a SAHM with 2 small children. But, my daughter spent over a year in a fabulous, fabulous daycare (we've since moved across the country). Not only did she shine while in the presence of other children, but I learned a tremendous amount from her teacher, who had 3 sons of her own and 20 years experience teaching pre-schoolers. Who was it who said, "I did my best parenting before I ever had children"? So true. Also, the amount of time between a 2- year-old's interruptions, requests, demands, and basic needs, is about 29 seconds, so it's not possible to be at home and work when there is a small child around!