The Stubborn One

I think I may have met my match. My child may be more stubborn than I.

We were leaving a cafe yesterday, and she refused to cross the parking lot with me to go to our car.

"Come on," I said pleasantly, trying to coax her with kindness. I was laden with the usual mommy load of purse weighted by diapers and wipes, a puzzle book, a drawing book, my jacket, her jacket and a cup of rice milk (not a sippy cup or I would have tossed it into my purse).

She lightly stomped a foot and said a quiet "No."

"Let's go home," I could hear the pleading in my voice starting up already. "Please walk with mommy."

"I don't want go home," she said.

People were walking past us, rubbernecking, even though NG wasn't putting up a fuss, and so far, neither was I.

"Walk with mommy to the car so we can go home now." Breathe, breathe, breathe.

"No want to go."

"I can't pick you up. My hands are full. Just walk with me. See the car is right there."

"No go."

What could I do to get her into the right frame of mind to follow me to the car. I couldn't put my things down and was tempted to ask a stranger to either hold my things or pick up my daughter and help me bring her to the car. Instead, I went for the Distraction Technique.

"Hey, do you want to go in that store for a minute?" I asked, pointing to Woolie's, one of those incense-burning India cotton shops with pretty things in the window.

"Yeah, I want to go to store," she said and proceeded to march to the store.

I followed her around as she looked at the incense burners and other shiny objects. Then, because when all else fails, I like to use shopping therapy (for her, for me, for both of us, hey it works), I bought us each a bindi, bought myself some ylang ylang oil and bought her a Putamayo international Sesame Street CD/DVD set. I was feeling better, and she seemed quite happy, too.

"Okay, baby, let's go home now."

"No."

A few more pleas on my part did absolutely nothing. So I walked to the store entrance. She followed me close enough to keep me in sight but far enough to be out of arms reach. Of course, my arms were now loaded down with an extra shopping bag.

"Let's go, time to go."

I turned to usher her out the store. And she began to take deliberate steps backward.

More pleading with a few firm orders thrown in for good measure. Nothing worked.

Finally, I asked the shopgirl if she would watch my child while I ran to unload everything into the car. That way, I could return and scoop her up and carry her out of the store.

Sure, said the shopgirl. "What would you like to look at? There are some nice things over here," she said to NG.

I ran out, dumped my things into the car, placed the rice milk in the car cup holder, then raced back into the store.

NG stood in the middle of the store staring at me. I felt my heart sink. She wasn't crying. She wasn't screaming. She was utterly silent, pale and shaking.

I went to her and scooped her up in my arms.

Instead of stiffening like a board and hollering, slithering out of my arms, she didn't move.

Instead of putting her arms around my neck and wrapping her legs around me, she hung limply in my arms, legs dangling, arms dangling, and laid her head on my shoulder. She didn't say a word.

G. later said that she probably realized she had pushed the boundaries too far, and mommy wasn't going to cater to her any more at that moment.

I think she's just gearing up for more resistance. I think she's ready again to prove she is more stubborn than I can ever be.

Comments

[jen]

off topic...yes...i tried to connect with you via email...i'll try again...thanks!

suggestions? as hard as it is...make it into a game. "do you think we can take 20 steps to the car or 30??" ... "let's see if we can walk to the car before i count to 25!" ... "do you think that you can take bigger steps than mommy?" ... "ok, follow the leader! walk like mommy does!"

at this age...if it's a game...it's much easier and they get "tricked" into following directions. it really helped me when i started implementing it. my husband has even started trying it occasionally...because he saw that it really works when you need it to. good luck...and remember it's the personality characteristics that we want our children to have as adults...that make them more difficult as children!

[Vanessa]

Ah, the terrible twos.

I too am deeply mired in this phase. The one thing that sometimes works for me is to sing the first part of the Dora the Explorer "come on Vaminos" song, and then winds up pulling *me* along.

I keep asking my parents when the terrible twos phase ends, and they keep saying "Well, I'll let you know."

[mo]

A couple of thoughts: the "twos" phase is all about establishing autonomy. NG wants to be in charge of herself. I think she got scared when you left. Developmentally at 2 or so kids start understanding the concept of being left. I have been taking Nonviolent Communication parenting classes. One of the key components of that thinking is empathy. I try, though not always successfully, to employ empathy. For example: letting NG know that you understand that she wants to be in charge of when to go can help the situation. Also trying to find out what she wants to do / why she wants to stay can help. Inviting NG to help you so that you can move onto the next thing can help. Instead thinking about the twos as terrible, I think it can be so much more helpful to think of this time as one of exploration. So much of what is encountered is new. Also askig what could be a soluation to the situation can help. (And let's remember that all of the above require patience, which at times can be in short supply for everyone.) Just a few things to try. Do check out nonviolent communication or NVC for short. http://www.cnvc.org/

[Em]

I am with you! Baby Eggs is 2 years and 4 months and has a stinking temper when she doesn't get her way. I am finding it very challenging because I am just a stubborn!

[ame i.]

Aw, sweet, precious lil girl child! Not that I don't feel bad for you, of course, (ha! I do, I promise)but having an "off" day at 2 is as hard as having an "off" day at 32. I wish I was still 32 (self-pitying sigh). I'm freakin' 40 now.
It's weird....I remember being 2. Not newly 2, I don't think, but I have memories of relatives who died and some events that happened when I was 2. I even recall how I felt during a few situations. That's some scary stuff right there, I tell ya. Two year old emotions, remembered, shudder!
My elephantine memory has been an advantage for my daughters, now 8 and 10. When they have/have had Those Moments and I found/find myself starting to get impatient/annoyed/ready to swear/make empty threats of mild violence, one of my other personalities whispers "Now, Aim, you remember how it was to be 3,4, 5,...8, 10". The whisper makes me want to pinch The Voice of Reason Personality instead of one of the girls, so I recon it works out for best for all involved.

[Naomi (Urban Mummy)]

Maybe she thought you had left and weren't coming back - and got frightened? I know my older boy (almost 4) will follow me when I tell him that I'm leaving anyway (most of the time). My little one, however (he'll be 2 next week) is like yours - stubborn.

But he gets angry - yells, hits, pinches, bites - fights me. It's funny, albeit embarassing in some situations.

The distraction technique works, and reverse psychology (don't you move from this spot. You can NOT go home, etc).

[Expat Mom]

Ack, we`re there right now ourselves. I usually have the backpack, Dante on a hip and am trying to get Dorian to come with me without making too much of a scene. We`ve perfected the countdown . . . the whole 1,2,3 thing. He knows bad things will happen if he doesn`t hop to it by 3!

I bet your little one is going to think twice next time before refusing to leave a store. She must have figured you`d just given up on her!

[The Muser]

Love the photo!

I'm sure you've got plenty of resources already, but I thought I would suggest something that we've found really helpful with our 2-year-old: the love and logic method of parenting. It's a method that works to give kids tons of choices and a sense of agency so that they're able to feel empowered and establish identity without resisting with temper-tantrums, etc. It's worked amazingly with our little one. They have at least one book on early childhood called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. They also give seminars and even send consutants to people's homes for pretty reasonable rates (we plan to have someone come here soon). Their website is http://www.loveandlogic.com/ .

And here's a link to the book on Amazon. Their first book _Parenting with Love and Logic_, is also really good.
(http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp/1930429002/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223239266&sr=1-1)

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