Three Cheers for Mommy Love

I know this might sound terrible, but hey, I'm used to saying what is on my mind even if it does sound damn awful.

I don't think I really loved my baby until recently. And yes, I know, she is not a baby. She is a toddler, practically a little girl.

It took me almost two and a half years to find my love for her.

And how I love her now. I just want to eat her up, cover her with kisses, breathe in her smells, squeeze her with bear hugs. And talk with her to learn more about who she is and who she is becoming as a person.

This was not my "normal" feeling about her.

I can barely remember the first year beyond a blur of anger and frustration. But those dark feelings began to slowly slough away with the help of medication for post partum depression. I was left with puzzlement. I was completely confused about how to tap into feelings of love for this tiny person thing.

As NG has developed her personality - and a very strong one at that - I realized (after receiving priceless advice from a dear friend) that she is me. She is everything in myself that I struggle with. And she is my teacher. I can learn as much, if not more, from her than she'll learn from me.

While I was out of town last week, she said this to my husband:

"I like my mommy. She is a nice lady."

After battling for years with feelings that my own mother was NOT a nice lady, it was supremely gratifying to hear that my 2-year-old daughter thinks I'm nice. After over a year of my own struggle with PPD which affected both baby and husband, it is amazing to think she can come out of that crap unscathed and think that I'm nice.

I'm finally getting this Mommy Love thing and learning more about it every day. And I'm just here to say that if you don't yet feel the love for your child, seek help, seek support, but also have patience. It can grow over time. You aren't weird. You aren't a bad mommy. You're just human.

Comments

[Jane]

Wow, I thought you were bald and malodorous!
Au contraire!
Vigour and radiance!
A hell of a duo!
As always,inspired by your blog.

[Eva]

I like my girl more and more. I liked her fine as a baby, and loved her, but now I certainly don't like babies and am not too sure what I saw in her back then. They're just so much more fun as they get older! Real people you can have a relationship with, friendship.

[Julia]

Congrats! It's a great feeling (even admidst the terrible two). =) i wonder, especially since your DD is very much like you personality-wise (my DD is like me personality-wise too), does loving our DD's also means loving ourselves more too? or maybe after PPD, loving ourselves more make us find the love for our DD's?

[The Muser]

Oh, what a beautiful, honest post. I often feel I'm alone in writing and talking about some of these hard realities. I can definitely relate. I felt love early on, but HATED being a mom until pretty recently. It was this weird double sort of feeling: I felt total adoration for my daughter, but so resented having my life taken over by this new motherhood thing. It's only recently that I've really come to enjoy it (I also struggled with awful ppd). Thanks so much for your honesty.

[arsela]

i've been lurking and your story could be mine. and honest post and totally human. i sometimes feel like i'm babysitting my own child! but love does come - to expect it to be instantaneous is not always realistic.

[Amy]

I am very glad to read this. I have watched you struggle with what you believed parenting should be. I had PPD myself and recognised myself in you. Its been a long struggle for you. Enjoy the rest of the ride.

[Kat]

The clouds have lifted. Congratulations. Yes, it does take time for some of us. You don't need a mirror in the house, when you have a strong minded daughter of your own.

[Jane]

You are giving your daughter the best gift of all. The foundations of literacy through all that reading.
Yep, she is a very lucky little person!

[Lila]

Thank you for these words. My best friend struggles with PPD and looks for comfort. I will read your post to her, I will only make the time span a tiny bit shorter if I may ;-)

I'm very happy for you and I love the picture. Having a daughter is a wonderful thing, challenging and enriching.