babyfruit: the miscarriage blog and motherhood diaries

Imaginary Friends

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NG has been more and more active with her imaginary friends over the last six months. At first, I thought it was because she was lonely and didn't have many playmates or play dates. She has named her imaginary friends after local children she's met and at any given time, there are three to five of them around us. Not knowing exactly what to do about this, I figured I'd just take them seriously and acknowledge their presence.

"Don't sit there, H is sitting there," she'd tell me.

"Oh, H, sorry about that. How about I sit here instead?" I'd ask.

"No, G is sitting there. You sit here Mommy," she'd instruct, and I'd comply.

Sometimes, her imaginary friends seem like normal sized kids, at other times they are tiny enough for her to hold in her hand. She has entire conversations with them and can for an hour. She seems to be the ringleader for them all, giving kind instructions to them every step of the way and making sure they are always doing okay.

I'm still getting the Babycenter enewsletter that corresponds with NG's age, and the information always seems 6-8 months late even though it is chronologically correct. This week's had an article about imaginary friends:

Imaginary Friends
 
The all-systems-go imagination of a 3-year-old can conjure up a new presence in your home — your child's imaginary playmate. Although it can be startling to suddenly hear your child talking to a pretend pal, this development is common and very positive. In fact, it's a healthy sign that you have a creative child. Imaginary friends are great for kids — and are another sign that this year is one of the most magical of childhood.

Read the rest of the article here.

She hasn't used her imaginary friends yet as a scapegoat or in a manipulative way as the article goes on to describe. Her firneds are just there as her playmates and sometimes accompany us on our family outings. It took G. a little while to get what was going on when NG would say to watch out for G. or H. or the other H. Now he sort of awkwardly ignores it more than engaging at all.

I don't ever go out of my way to bring them up with NG, but if she mentions them, I'll always be polite. And I won't ever, ever sit on them.

Do (or did) your kids have imaginary friends? What did you do - or not do - about it?

Related articles by Zemanta

• Imaginary friends help children learn to communicate (telegraph.co.uk)

The “Motherhood Penalty:” The Pay Gap Between Working Moms and Childless Women - The Juggle - WSJ

The “Motherhood Penalty:” The Pay Gap Between Working Moms and Childless Women - The Juggle - WSJ.

All I can say about this article is that I'm glad I own my own business instead of work in Corporate America.

Excerpt:
<i>The pay gap between mothers and childless women is larger than the gap between women and men, according to an award-winning 2007 study called “Getting a Job: Is There a Motherhood Penalty,” published in the American Journal of Sociology. The study, conducted by three Cornell University sociologists, and recently written about at BusinessWeek.com, found that moms faced more difficulties getting hired and were offered lower pay than their childless peers. Dads, on the other hand, faced no such penalties–faring equal to or better than childless men.</i>

<b><i>Have you faced career discrimination as a mom in the workplace?</i></b>

Read about The “Motherhood Penalty:” The Pay Gap Between Working Moms and Childless Women.

Federal Employees Closer To Paid Parental Leave : NPR

Federal Employees Closer To Paid Parental Leave : NPR.

Was listening to the Republicans ranting about paying federal employees for 4 weeks of parental leave - while some touted the benefits of early bonding between mother and child, others whinged and moaned about that and complained that they'd be setting a precedent for paid leave for ALL employees of ALL employers to have 4 weeks paid parental leave.

My from-the-gut immediate response to this debate: If our government and our employers got behind families and actually PAID for both parents to spend the first month of an infant's life with them and with one another, we'd have much better outcomes with our families, our children, and our employees.

My husband - a federal employee - was hard-pressed to take 1 week of leave after our daughter's birth 3 years ago because he hadn't yet accumulated enough paid leave. I know that his presence may not have prevented the post partum depression I was sucked into, however, that first month could have been more family-oriented and bonding-oriented for all of us.

I feel deeply scarred by those early weeks post partum - emotionally and spiritually. I ended up taking a very long maternity leave - from my own company thus unpaid because I was incapable of doing the work and maintaining my sanity.  We took a huge financial hit because of that.

Federal Employees Closer To Paid Parental Leave : NPR.

What do you think about paid parental leave?

The Big Toddler Birthday Debate

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Yet another reason to worry about going to Mommy Hell...or not: I'm not placing much emphasis on NG's upcoming 3rd birthday.

I am very mixed about birthdays just as I am about Hallmark card-perpetuating holidays like Mothers Day and Fathers Day. In the same way I believe we should be honoring our parents every day (still learning/figuring out how to put that into practice each day), I just don't think we should reserve a single day to celebrate our children (or ourselves).

This whole birthday thing is weird to me. I'm just not sure how necessary it is, especially at her age.

First, one of the ways I show my love to NG is giving her little "surprises" throughout the week. I tie them to nothing in particular, just wanting to see her eyes light up. These surprises are usually new art supplies or stickers or books.

Second, I don't think she really knows what birthdays are yet and not thinking that is a bad thing. The very few birthdays she has been to have been mostly gatherings for grownups and kids to hang out, have a meal, and then have something sweet (in one case, fruit with whip cream). The last birthday party she attended was a dinner we had at a nice restaurant for NG's best friend GG and her folks as well as another friend and her son. I bought both NG and GG fairy wings and garlands to wear in the restaurant and they flitted about the restaurant while we got the boy a gift as well. The adults enjoyed good food, good wine, conversation.

It seems to me that those wild, overproduced toddler birthdays are more for the parents than the kids. There's movement for less over-the-top birthday parties called Birthdays Without Pressure, and it really resonates with me. Honestly, I don't think I'm denying my daughter one of life's pleasures if I don't throw a big birthday party for her or don't throw it on the day or the month of her actual birthday.

Now for real true confessions (not as if I don't already do those here): We don't really know many kids to invite to a birthday party for NG and of those we do, I'm just not sure they are a good influence on her i.e. maybe not the kind of kids I'd want her to spend time with in general. So why throw a birthday party and invite kids - or their parents - who aren't really people we'd socialize with at any other time? I think that is just fake and stupid.

Eventually, as NG participates in more activies around our community (and as we do as well), we'll get to know more and more parents with kids her age (I hope). And then maybe we can throw a barbeque or host a dinner party, and we can all call it NG's Special Day ala Boots Special Day, a Dora the Explorer episode that NG does remember and mentions sometimes.

NG is not asking for a birthday party. She is not asking for presents. She rarely ever asks us to buy her something when we go to the store (when she does, it is always a big surprise to us). And when we tell her we won't be buying her an item she may have picked out, she just says "bye bye" to the item and returns it to its place. I'm sure not watching TV and not seeing commercials means she hasn't yet been indoctrinated into the "I want" and "Gimme Gimme" stage, but it could also be her age, and we may be in for that soon/eventually.

NG doesn't even really know about birthday cakes and candles. For her first birthday (the one where basically nobody showed up and I felt like a failure at being a mother once again), she had a cupcake. At her second birthday, our friends did a little cupcake thing as well and she did get a gift. But she can't even remember when her actual birthday IS yet although she does know in June.

So at the risk of sounding like the Birthday Scrooge, I just don't think we're going to have a formal birthday party for her, but we will continue to do the fun, family-oriented, friend-oriented gatherings we always do and not on a specific day per se.

Will I scar my child for life by not formally acknowledging the day of her birth every year? How do you feel about Toddler Birthdays and what do YOU do about them?