Getting Off Meds (Effexor)

Day 6 without medication. Hello. I'm alive.

After nearly 3 years, I've finally titrated off of (tapered off) and gone without my medication. If you've known me and this blog for years, you know that I suffered a shattering blow to my brain after the birth of my daughter (after 4 miscarriages). I learned first hand the devastating effects of Post Partum Depression although it went untreated for 11 months. At the time, I described it as a "molotov cocktail to the brain."

I was put on Effexor 37.5 mg, the lowest dose officially available. My dose was never increased because I had what I'd call "positive results" including no more insane, angry freak-out episodes from hell and no more suicidal thoughts (never had thoughts of hurting my baby, just myself).

Being on Effexor made me feel almost better than I did PRE-baby which led me to ask my doctor if this was possible.

"Yes, it could be addressing things you had before, that you've always had but haven't treated."

This is where the term "Attention Deficit Disorder" comes in. I heard it for the first time to describe how my brain works - and apparently has worked for decades - during therapy sessions to deal with the grief of 4 miscarriages.

I was supposed to be on medication for 3 months.

At 3 months, my doctor said "We're getting close to winter here in Alaska. Why don't you stay on through the winter. I hate to take patients off medication when it's always dark outside."

OK, made sense. I agreed.

The next Spring I asked about getting off of it.

"Is it working for you?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Maybe you should stay on for a little while longer," she suggested, and I agreed.

 Then it was winter again.

The following Spring, I told her "I don't want to get off it. I'm finally pulling my life back together and healing all the damage my Post Partum Depression caused me and my family."

She agreed I should stay on it.

Getting off Effexor.

I wasn't planning to get off my medication. I had 3 alarms that would go off daily to remind me to take it because I had read about how horrific withdrawals could be.

Here is what happened one time when I forgot to take my medicine. I knew that the plan for titration would start with putting aside 1-2 weeks to handle the side effects of titrating off medication like this.

"Your brain will try to trick you into believing you need it," my doctor said. "But you don't. Just keep repeating this mantra: 'This too shall pass.'"

I liked how zen that sounded. I was terrified of getting off the drug that I also hated to admit had made me better.

But I was starting to experience things that seemed like my body warning me that it was time to get off Effexor...or else

My Side Effects from Effexor.

• ringing in my ears
• headaches
• blurring vision
• dry mouth
• nightmares
• hair loss - I didn't realize that my continued progressively worsening loss of hair was potentially due to antidepressants until this article in the New York Times.

Each of the above alone could be warning signs about the Effexor. In combination, they were a clear sign it was time either to switch to another medication or the get off of it entirely.

My life was in more order than ever before, but was it just because of the drugs? I felt ready to try to stop medication altogether. I had lived fine for 40 years without it so I was pretty hopeful I could be better again.

 Withdrawals.

My titration plan was to use a 25 mg tablet and continue cutting it down as follows:

1 Week of 25 mg.

1 Week of 12.5 mg in morning and 12.5 mg in evening (1/2 tablet)

1 Week of 6.25 mg in morning and 6.25 mg in evening (1/4 tablet)

1 Week of 6.25 mg

Then no meds with the ability to take a little if the side effects from withdrawing were hard to bear.

I followed the above schedule almost to a tee, however, the second week was extended to almost two weeks, not because I was feeling badly, but because I was at a conference and traveling for 10 days with my daughter and just wanted to make sure I didn't create an untenuous situation for myself...or others.

This post is written on Day 6 without medication.

My biggest symptom now? I don't know who the hell I am.

This discovery isn't exactly what I had anticipated and certainly not what the doctor told me might happen. I told this to someone the other day and they said "Well, you're probably the Aliza you were before you went on medication."

Well, not exactly, and here is why.

Aliza Pre-Meds

Immediately pre-meds, I was in the hellish throes of Post Partum Depression. OK, easy to know that Was. Not. Me.

Aliza Post-Baby

I wasn't me the entire year after having my daughter. My symptoms of PPD were so pronounced it still floors me to this day that the midwives who treated me during my pregnancy didn't recognize the signs.

Aliza Pre-Baby

Before having a baby, I was in a 2-year hormone cocktail of pregnancy/miscarriage hormones. No, that wasn't "me" either.

Aliza Pre-Preganancies

I am thinking this was probably more the "me" that I would know and recognize, however, which Pre-Pregnancy me? The Pre-Marriage Aliza would be an entirely different Aliza than the Post-Marriage Aliza. Because I firmly believe there is who we are fundamentally but also who we become because of our life situations and experiences.

So I think I'm probably closest to the Post-Marriage me, however, I'm now 5 years into marriage so I can't really be the Post-Marriage me that was a newlywed.

So I'm also part Pre-Marriage Aliza because that was the ultra career focused me, the one that could do that job of 8 people and run circles around procrastination. That was the Aliza that would work a full day then spend the wee hours of the morning doing additional jobs and work like freelance writing. Nobody would tell me to go to sleep so I just immersed myself in working and creating and loved every minute of that.

Of course, back then, I had an employer who literally told me to "slow down. Nobody can keep up with the amount of work you do and people are getting angry."

Aliza's Brain Redux

I've always thought my brain works differently than most people. I have only recently met someone who may have a brain similar to mine and also someone who is used to working with someone with a brain like me so I finally felt "understood."

This is how I've explained my brain in the past:

There are right brained people. And there are left brained people. I'm a both-brained person.

But that description wasn't good enough, wasn't quite right.

I also would see images like this:

I'd see the above and think - OK, I get that. That is someone else's brain. But THIS is my brain...

Turning on my brain was never a problem. It was constantly firing on all 8 cylinders. Turning off my brain was a problem but never insurmountable, and I never turned to drugs to it quiet down. Except now that I think of it, red wine has always played an important part of my evening winding down ritual (except when pregnant).

So physically, I am having wacky, wonky moments of twisted equilibrium and feeling like my brain is being shaken in a jar full of jelly. But I'm getting through those feelings because This Too Shall Pass.

I've also been thinking that there is a fine line between inspiration and madness. This is my reality.

The harder part of getting off meds is getting to know myself again and figuring out how that person fits into the person I need to be today to handle my life, my responsibilities and my desires. My biggest desires? Continue to grow and strengthen my relationship with my husband; continue to grow and strengthen my relationship with my daughter; and continue to grow and strengthen my relationship with...ME.

What have your experiences been with coming off medication? Or just figuring out who the heck you are?

Related articles by Zemanta

• Postpartum Depression Not Just For Moms [Baby Blues] (jezebel.com)
• Pregnancy, Depression and Acupuncture (parenting.blogs.nytimes.com)

Comments

[Sleveo]

I feel for you. Years ago, I had a hard time coming off Effexor. As a result I decided to never do anymore psych meds. I do lots of holistic things for it. Some days, it's not enough.

I also relate to that feeling of regularly not knowing who I am, after any given mood swing. I express it as losing my place in life.

I applaud your open and honest expression of this journey. I am still somewhat embarrassed by my own journey.

I also like how open you are to feedback on one of your other blogs, about podcasting. Good job.

[Kay]

You are brave to tell us about your real life and it just helps more people than you can imagine. "My biggest symptom now? I don't know who the hell I am." Yes--I have not used meds but my huge dissociation from "me" in coming to AK to caregive and finding myself here life-style-less has been horrendous; when my daughter said last Xmas "you seem more like Mom" I thought I might be on the way back. To where? To whom? Stay tuned. & THANX!

[RickWolff]

Your question: "What have your experiences been with coming off medication? Or just figuring out who the heck you are?" Mine is the latter, though how I've come to have to ask it was not pharmaceutical (maybe it should be), but economic. I'm impressed with the detail you go into, knowing potential clients will look at it. I'd be mortified, I think.

[anavar]

Your story will help a lot of women in the same situation. All drugs have their benefits and also side effects. I'm glad to see you're doing fine and that things are changing to better.

[Muser]

Hey Aliza, just wanted to let you know I liked to this post in my Weekly Round Up of blogs dealing with PMDs: http://musings-musings-musings.blogspot.com/2010/04/weekly-round-up_14.html

I tried to go off my meds (zoloft) once, but my anxiety just went through the roof and made it really hard for me to fuction, so I went back on. I've had enough episodes of major depression that it's possible I may not be able to go off meds without having a relapse. I may try again once I've finished the trauma therapy I'm doing, but for now I'm happily drugged! It does give me hope to read about your succesful weaning!

[Muser]

Oops, that should have read "I linked to this post" rather than "liked to"!

[Micaela]

Hi,
Do you have to go off Effexor? Do you know that most women experience incredibly dramatic hair loss for quite a long period after birth? I've heard women blame it on the IUDs, their Mirena, their Assure, their coffee, their anti-depressants, etc. But most women, even unmedicated ones, have a long period of hair fallout post baby. To top things off, you are probably pre-menopausal, which also makes hair fall out.
If this particular medication was helping, why stop it? Is it the stigma of having a lifelong *condition*?
My own experience is similar to Muser, above. I believe I will always have to medicate for depression. I've tried everything but medication--exercise, talk therapy, meditation, yoga, journaling, holistic diets, religion, etc., and none of it helped me cope. I tried everything but medication for years and years in hopes that I'd find the right combination of lifestyle choices. Alas, no silver bullet.
If you relapse, are you willing to try another type of anti-depressant? I'm not trying to project my experiences onto you, I just hope that you have a plan B or a safety net.

[medieval dresses]

Post Partum Depression is really scary just like what I heard and read about. I really hope you will be successful in your planning of getting off the meds. I think it's a good decision since you are already feeling the side effects. I really wish you all the best!

[Online Business Master]

I think I am more of a left brained person.

[Internt Money Making Engine]

Wow so many faces!! Hmmm nice pictures..

[Erica]

Thank you for sharing your story about Effexor. I have battled with depression since my oldest daughter was born 6 years ago. I started taking Effexor when she was 6 months old and I have been on It ever since. I can tell you from first hand experience that the withdrawls are AWEFUL! I started out on the lowest dose possible, and when my brother died tragically 4 years ago, I went up to 175mg. Im really scared to try and go off of it and Im not quite sure I want to. I still have bouts with depression sometimes and thats with the meds. Im afraid that not being on them would render me unable to care for my family. It's nice to know there are others out there that know what its like.

[Lovegra]

try to decrease your dosage...I know it will be tough to bear...Some of my advice for it:
# Soy milk, yogurt, ice cream, and green veggies replace your acetycholine that is depleted by Effexor withdrawal
# Eat a lot of fatty comfort foods (fat helps your brain in this case, but also tastes good)
# B12 supplements - or just eat more meat
# Avoid alcohol it till worsened the symptoms (depletes brain of vitamins)
# Avoid caffeine to help with panic attacks
In this process you will feel tired but it will be a good way and you will feel better.

Selina Stivens
{ http://www.kamagrarx.com }