babyfruit: the miscarriage blog and motherhood diaries

The Va-Jay-Jay Blues

The time has come for me to post another controversial post about something that NOBODY talks about. At first, the topic was miscarriage. Then post partum depression. Then it was early female baldness. But now, I will step over the line and take a big risk yet I feel it is my duty to go where no public conversation has gone before...Vagina Blues.

I am sharing this information with you all - I mean potentially the whole world and lots of people who know me in all facets of my life - because someone has got to talk about it. I'm sure a lot of women are suffering out there. I know I'm building this up, and you'll be waiting for the punchline, but this is actually not one of my humorous posts, believe it or not. Maybe a bit snarky, but definitely not funny.

For the last few months, I've been experiencing strange vaginal odor. G. says he doesn't smell anything bad, but to me, my usual neutral smell has transformed into a foulness that reminds me of dead things soaked in vinegar. Not accompanied by itching or pain so I'm told it probably isn't an infection.

My gyno says it is yet another of the lovely signs of peri-menopause which can go on for a decade. She says it means I'm too alkaline. She told me to use an over-the-counter product called RePhresh. I've been using it 2x a week, and it has worked like a charm until recently.

I keep thinking it is systemic so I went to my naturopath who said no, I'm not too alkaline, but most likely too acidic. She had me purchase some PH strips, and I'm supposed to test my saliva, urine and vaginal fluid. Of course, remembering to do anything is a struggle much less to reach for the little roll of colored paper to spit, pee and stick it up my yoni every morning.

The few times I've remembered this week, my saliva is on the uppermost alkaline side of normal, my vaginal fluid is on the lowermost side of acidic, and I keep forgetting to pee on the paper so haven't tested urine yet. I've got to get with the program and do the complete PH testing on a consisten basis.

Since the ol' v-jay-jay is acidic, I'm following my naturopath's instructions to drink water with lemon in the mornings as often as I can remember. I guess I need to start sticking Post It Notes all over the house to prompt me to do these things. She told me to cut out coffee, but I'm just a little too mch in need of a coffee boost these days what with baby waking up several times a night wanting me to read her books.

I'm tired. I'm stinky. I'm balding. I'm practically blind without reading glasses. I'm still having night sweats. No wonder nobody talks about this stuff - it is all a total downer. Getting old is one thing, but smelling bad while doing it - that's just way too much to have to deal with.

Am I the only one with the Va-Jay-Jay Blues? Please comment - even if you have to do it anonymously. I totally understand. I'm fine being the one to put it all out there. At least I didn't include pictures with this one. Until they get scratch 'n' sniff for the Web, it wouldn't work anyhow.

Losing It Redux

Before I go on with this post, NG is fine.

I'm doing better, I think. Trying out some new supplements, some of which are addressing my excessive hair loss. I know that hair loss is common after childbirth - even up to a year post partum as hormones adjust. But at almost 11 months later, I'm still losing tons and tons of hair.

There's hair on the carpet, hair on the kitchen and bathroom floors, hair all over the sofa and bed and all throughout my car, not to mention the gobs of hair on my hairbrush each time I brush it or the huge hair masses that come out when I wash it.

I decided to see my naturopath for this. I'm seeing her as often as I can which is hindered because Blue Cross Blue Shield no longer will cover naturopaths (another short-sighted, greedy insurance company). But with all this hair going literally down the drain - and with that odd heart feeling I was getting while holding NG - I thought it was a good time to invest in my health.

On the heart front, my heart sounds fine, blood pressure on the low/normal side (which is normal for me), pulse rate good. She did notice a different in blood pressure when I moved from a prone position to standing and attributed it to my adrenal glands which she feels still need support - and could be causing this funny feeling. She also wanted to explore the emotional side of the funny feeling in my heart. That is, maybe some of it is actually in my head - an anxiety. More on this soon.

Regarding the hair loss, she thought it could be several things:

1. Post partum hormones (as mentioned above)
2. Vitamin B deficiencies
3. Thyroid issues

I'm going to be screened for thyroid just in case. She gave me a super B complex but suggested Vitamin B IV's - once a week for a month. Pending.

Before my appointment, I did a little experiment and saved the hair that came out when I washed my hair. I put it in a plastic baggy.

Then that evening, when I brushed my hair, I put that hair in a baggy. I also did an olive oil scalp treatment overnight so ended up washing my hair again in the morning. Put the fallen hair in a third baggy.

When I pulled the baggies out from my bag at my appointment, I could see concern on my naturopath's face.

"That's a LOT of hair," she said which led me to believe that this was going a bit beyond normal post partum hair loss.

Another clue that a lot of hair is coming out of my head is that none of my pony tail holders stay on anymore. They slide partway down my hair because there is hardly anything left to grip.

I asked G. if he minds if I cut my hair short if I really start going bald. He said he wouldn't even mind it if I was totally bald. Hmmm...that would be an interesting look.

So far, between the extra Vitamin B, some supplemental minerals and a new amino acid (glycine), I'm actually feeling far more even and calm than I have in a while. I am noticing a little less hair coming out but am not sure if this is my imagination/wishful thinking, if the vitamins are actually working or if I have so little hair left that there isn't much to lose anymore.

I'll be hopeful and think that the extra supplements are helping me keep the hair on my head. Although I do think I need to be at peace with going/being bald if that is what will happen to me. I'd rather have a shiny dome and be happy than have lustrous long hair and be miserable. Just getting my priorities straight.

Chemical Reaction

I don't know what this means, but I'll be calling my naturopath tomorrow to try to find out.

So today, as I'm holding NG in my arms and she is kicked back, relaxed, drinking her bottle, I become aware of a strange and uncomfortable feeling that I'm having. It feels like a rush of adrenaline and then my heart feels like it is pumping frantically and a swell of panic rises to my throat.

Intellectually, I am calm because in my mind, I enjoy this quiet time when baby awakes and settles back in my arms. But physically, it feels like a panic attack.

The more I analyzed the feeling, I realized that I get the same feeling every time I'm holding her in my arms. At first I thought it was just when I am holding her and feeding her a bottle. After I mentioned this strange feeling to G. and he asked if it happens all the time, I said no. Then I picked NG up a little while later and it happened again. And again. I'm not waiting for it to happen or expecting it to, but then it does and now that I'm more aware of it, it seems so pronounced.

Anyway, G. had an interesting thought - that it might be a "let down" or pseudo let down - something I would be experiencing if I were still breastfeeding her. During the few short weeks that I did breast feed her, I do remember feeling a rushing sensation, what I can only describe as being drugged. It was a rushing feeling and it left me woozy. This isn't exactly the same, but that rushing feeling is similar.

The problem is that it is very uncomfortable. Because it feels like panic, it almost makes me panic. It almost makes me want to jump out of my skin while I'm doing such a natural and loving thing - holding my daughter. It feels like a remnant of the terrible anxiety I was feeling before I began taking supplements to get my adrenals under control.

I'm curious to see what my naturopath says about it. And I'm eager to know if there is something we can do for it. Because it is interfering with these quiet moments that I really look forward to with NG. It just feels like the wrong chemical reaction.

Update on Anemia & Heart

I'm so happy I went to our naturopath for another opinion. Interesting stuff.

Regarding the anemia:

Doctor's office said that they measured NG's hematocrit only. It was 32% instead of 34 - the level they would like to see at minimum. But the range, they told me when I called from the naturopath's office, is 29 low normal to 41 high normal. NG is at 32 - in the low normal range. Before, I thought the doctor meant 34 was low and 32 was under. Glad I got that clarified.

Naturopath was surprised they weren't also checking hemoglobin along with hematocrit. She wasn't sure if that was a new protocol - to not do a more complete check. She said that normal levels of hemoglobin should be around 11 and offered to do a quick finger prick test to see what NGs levels were at. She did (NG didn't even flinch). NG was at 11.2.

So combined - low normal hematocrit and normal hemoglobin - meant that the high dose hard to digest and absorb and mightily constipating iron supplement originally prescribed for NG was overkill. She felt that some natural supplementing would do the trick but even felt that additional iron supps were not really needed.

Still, for my comfort level, I could give her a totally herbal source of iron called Floradix that is easy to take, absorb and is non-constipating. I actually took this while pregnant. She also told me of some other food sources that are high in iron including black strap molasses that I could add to NG's rice cereal. I felt really good about this approach.

For the heart murmur:

The naturopath complimented NGs doctor on even hearing it - it was so slight, so faint, that she really had to listen for it. Given that the in vitro sonogram showed no abnormalities and that the murmur showed up during a growth spurt, she, too, feels pretty confident that it is related to growing and not a problem. So she echoed what NGs doctor already said. She felt that by next checkup at 1 year, it would be gone and the anemia wouldn't be there either.

NG is full of energy and playful, not short of breath or blueish. We'll check it out again in June. It will be interesting to see how she is doing then.

When it hit me, it hit hard

This is something I posted on Maya's Mom a little while ago, but it just seemed like something I wanted to post here because it sums up what I've been through in recent months. But I'm doing good today. Yes, real good.

When It Hit Me, It Hit Hard

I ended up with knock down drag out post partum depression around 4 months but even before that, there were signs.

Maybe the time I threw a dirty plate from the dinner table up in the air because I was so angry could have been a clue. Or when I screamed at my husband to "give me the baby, you can't keep her from me!" then ran through the house slamming doors and cursing at him to leave me alone. Or the time I ran from the house screaming with the car keys, thinking I'd drive away (where? somewhere, anywhere) and he had to chase after me, wrap his arms around me tightly, lead me back into the house.

When it hit hard, it wasn't depression in the way I had thought about depression. I wasn't sad. I was angry. I was seething. I was absolutely furious. Everything set me off. In my mind, as long as I didn't want to hurt my baby, then I would be okay. But I didn't think twice about wanting to hurt myself.

When it looked like I was going to be put on anti-depressants, I couldn't go there. I had heard too many stories about people who went on them and then committed suicide and knowing how sensitive I am to anything I put into my body, I feared that they'd send me over the edge.

So I turned to a naturopath and in one 2 hour visit, she pinpointed exactly what I needed. She said that the hormone imbalance I was feeling included large amounts of adrenaline and epinephrine pumping into my system sending me into "fight or flight" mode. This definitely explained my state of constant panic. The only way I could describe it was that I was screaming inside, constantly.

She gave me supplements to help my adrenal glands to not overproduce adrenaline and an amino acid to spray under my tongue when I would start to feel panicky. Within a few days, I felt...as normal as one can feel after having a life changing and body changing event happen at age 41 (having a baby, of course).

I can't say normal because I'm not who I was before baby. I'm another person, totally changed, and half the time I'm not sure who I am. I've seen a therapist a few times to explore this aspect of motherhood. Nobody told me I would lose my identity and have an identity crisis that would only add to my PPD.

In the 2 months since I started getting treatments for my PPD, I haven't any out of control, irrational outbursts. And I'm not screaming inside. When I feel something creeping in, I spray the amino acid under my tongue a few times and then take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. I have only had to do that one time in the last 3 weeks.

I still don't know who I am, although when I went to a friend's birthday party last month with my husband and baby, we had to wear name tags. I put my name, then under it, I wrote "NG's Mom." After the party, I stuck it on the inside of my coat and it is still there, a little worn around the edges, but there to remind me at least who I am in part. I need that reminder.

10 Big & Tiny Milestones

In no particular order...

1. I am less depressed or stressed or anxious or panicky or freaked out or angry or whatever I have been, and this could be a result of the Mayan Abdominal Massage combined with the 2 squares of dark chocolate I'm eating daily now.

2. NG finally started rolling over last week at over 9 months. She went from tummy to crawling but was getting stuck like a bug on her back unable to roll. Now she rolls constantly including when I'm trying to change her diaper. Luckily, I change her on the floor but she ends up crawling away diaperless & peeing on the carpet.

3. We got a highchair for NG so she has graduated from Bumbo to the Eddie Bauer wooden high chair. Would have gotten a Stokke Tripp Trapp if it wasn't so expensive ($100 more).

4. I bought a Maya wrap hoping to carry NG around more as part of my quest to bond more with her. Will report back on how it is working.

5. NG cried out over a dozen times last night although some of the time she was still sleeping. I heard that babies can start waking up more in the middle of the night when they start reaching major milestones like crawling and rolling over. Basically she is rolling over on her tummy and sleeping on her knees with her head down on the mattress. This doesn't look comfortable but if I try to turn her onto her back, she instantly rolls back to this position.

6. NG was whimpering this morning (in the above position which in yoga is called the child pose but in a crib looks like a weird way for baby to be sleeping). I picked her up and bundled her in her favorite blanket then held her and rocked her for 45 minutes before the babysitter arrived. I felt very much like a mommy doing this. She then stretched and opened her eyes and smiled at me. Have to admit that was pretty sweet.

7. NG is eating dehydrated apple, smushed lima beans, unsweetened rice puff cereal, Puffin gluten free molasses sweetened cereal pieces and wedges of apple (she sucks on/rubs her bottom semi-teeth on them) for snacks. Any other suggestions on good finger foods for a still pretty toothless baby that does not have WHEAT in them? I tried banana but that might as well have been Play-doh for all the squishing and minimal eating.

8. NG has discovered cupboards so this weekend we have to lock the dangerous ones and fill some of them with unbreakable pots, pans and Tupperware to create a new adventure for her.

9. I'm teaching NG how to blow kisses and give hugs. Right now she squeals with delight when I hug her - a far cry from the back arching "don't touch me mommy" way she was reacting only a month ago. For blowing kisses, she is fascinated and watches intently but so far she responds by clicking her tongue. We have been having a lot of tongue clicking conversations lately.

10. I'm hopeful this week. Maybe a little tentative because I know I've felt better before but then sank deeper into the thick mess of PPD. But this time I'm feeling pretty even keel. Highs aren't too high. Lows aren't too low. Mind is a little more clear and I'm able to come up with creative coping mechanisms to avoid anxiety and anger triggers. Any more of this, and I just might start thinking I'm getting better.

Technorati Tags: mother motherhood post partum baby babyfruit

Rub My Belly

I just had an incredible treatment that I'd heard about in 2005 via one of the women I interviewed about miscarriage for my Babyfruit documentary film. She had wanted to try the treatment out on me to help with my miscarriages, but I wasn't able to fit it into my schedule before moving up North.

from Dr. Arvigo's Web site:
The Arvigo Techniques of Maya Abdominal Massage ™ are centered around the ancient Mayan techniques, which reposition organs that have dropped and restricted the flow of blood, lymph, nerve & chi energy.

As with any other natural healing, Arvigo Techniques seek to restore the body to it's natural balance.

So anyway, the treatment is called Maya Abdominal Massage, and there is only one woman in my town who offers it - my acupuncturist. She studied the technique with Dr. Rosita Arvigo in Belize.

from Dr. Arvigo's Web site:
It has been Dr. Arvigo's passion and quest to bring the simple and safe healing techniques of the Central American "sobaderas" to North America and Europe where they are so needed. Toward this goal, she has spent the last several decades in Central America, where she has studied with dozens of traditional healers and midwives, the most notable of whom was Don Elijio Panti, the renowned Maya shaman of Belize.

All I can say is that I tend to go into new treatments with a healthy dose of skepticism but always an attempt to open my heart and mind to the possibilities. I trust my acupuncturist, and she knows what I have been through. She immediately thought of me while going through her training - thinking this treatment could help with my hormone imbalances.

The treatment involves abdominal massage that is very specific and directed. When you think about it, massage therapists usually avoid the abdomin when massaging. This is all about the abdomin and lower back.

One thing my acupuncturist felt is that my uterus was tilted toward one side which could cause bladder or bowel trouble or pain as well as ligament pain throughout the groin and abdominal area. The massage is meant to put everything back in place where it belongs - because those of us who have been pregnant know that everything gets pushes around, squished and relocated during pregnancy. Who believes everything goes back to exactly where it should be? Especially if it wasn't in the right place to begin with?

The lower back work was especially good for me because I've felt like my sacrum was slipping or out of place and have been having a lot of hip ache. I have also had chronic tailbone pain from a dance injury in high school.

All I can say is that I don't know if it will help my hormones yet - maybe too soon to tell - but structurally it really has made an almost instantaneous difference. Before the treatment, if I sat for too long a period of time (more than 5 minutes), I struggled to get up or felt my groin muscles twinge. I'd end up stumbling or limping slightly until things warmed up. I also felt similar pain in my hips.

Right now, I can honestly say all those annoying aches and pains are virtually gone. I can sit and then rise without a struggle and without the twinges. I can walk without achiness. Even my tailbone feels...well, it doesn't feel like anything anymore - no more bruised pain that I've come to know as normal.

Feeling better can be a strange thing. I think I've gotten so used to being in chronic pain that it became my normal. So not having it is odd. But good. Yes, I think it is good.

I'll go back for a few more sessions. I'm still hoping for the same kind of shift in my hormones, just that final tweak to get me back on an even hormonal keel. I'm almost there. Maybe this is just a missing piece of the puzzle of approaching my imbalances naturally. I'm feeling pretty hopeful about it.

Anyone else have any experience with Maya Abdominal Massage?

Acupuncture for Fertility

Article in the LA Times:
Other than the fact they only did one acupuncture
session in their "scientific study," it still is a good
plug for acupuncture for fertility issues.

If you cannot access the entire article, email me
at mediaegg @ hotmail.com and I'll send to you.

Acupuncture for fertility: Doctors say, 'Why not?'

By Elena Conis, Special to The Times

Jackie Apuzzo is 16 weeks pregnant — something she was beginning to think would never happen.

Following nine years of unsuccessful efforts to have a baby, including failed in vitro fertilization, a miscarriage and a diagnosis of endometriosis, the 37-year-old social worker finally visited an acupuncturist on the advice of a friend. After two months of acupuncture treatments and a regimen of Chinese herbs, she became pregnant.

"I was a little apprehensive about the needles at first," said Apuzzo. But in April, Apuzzo's acupuncturist in Santa Monica looked at her tongue, checked her pulse and declared the Long Beach resident pregnant. Apuzzo later confirmed the diagnosis with a blood test.

As more women than ever delay having children until their 30s and 40s, infertility is a growing challenge in the U.S. An estimated 3 million couples are unable to conceive after a year of trying, according to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. Fertility clinics have done a brisk business in recent years, but now doctors say that a growing number of women who have been unable to get pregnant through conventional medical treatments are seeking out alternatives such as acupuncture. Demand for the traditional Chinese method is so great that an increasing number of fertility doctors now are collaborating with acupuncturists, with some physicians adding acupuncturists to their staff, according to doctors and experts in the field.

[READ MORE]

new massage therapist

In my life, massage therapy is an essential
part of overall optimal health, a preventative
measure and a damn good thing.

In G's life, massage therapy is a luxury.

And in my new married life, all expenses
are run through the "Necessary-Expense-
O-Meter." Yikes!

But in the spirit of maintaining a good
marriage despite differences of opinions
on finances and expenses, I am scrimping
and saving for my first therapeutic
massage since moving to AK.

I'll be seeing a woman named Holly
who has a company named
Childbirth Enhancement.
I thought she'd know a lot more about
pre-natal and pre-pre-natal massage
than a standard therapeutic massage
therapist. I have an appointment for July 1.

Has anyone heard of or gotten a Mayan Abdominal massage? I first heard about it from Dina, one of the women I interviewed for my miscarriage documentary. She was just learning how to do it so could not demonstrate it while we were at her house conducting the interview.

Sounds very interesting and like something I'd try. If they had a practitioner in AK.
And if I had enough pennies in the piggy bank.

yoga poses possibly harmful

Thought this might be of interest to anyone
wondering what yoga poses to avoid when
pregnant.

Yoga positions that pregnant women should not consider

[from the Sun-Herald in Melbourne, Australia]