babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

You a entering a pump-free zone

This is Day 5 without pumping and Day 4 without the pump in close proximity. Went out of town, left it behind. It was a snap decision on my part. There it was - The Pump - sitting on the bedroom floor as I packed a suitcase for NG and me. I could have bent down, picked it up and placed it carefully between our clothes, but I didn't.

The last few days have been surprisingly torment-free over this decision. The boobs aren't really aching except for an occasional tweak. My heart is not aching as much now as it was immediately before this decision. NG is happy and healthy, eating dirt, tasting rocks, pulling up grass. Other than stinkier, harder poops, I'm not noticing any major difference right now between NG with and without breastmilk.

I am different. I am calmer, more patient with her, more attentive and appreciative. I'm feeling less pressured and no longer put off by yet another plastic pump flange to the boobs session. No more suction, no more watching the dribble barely fill the bottom of the bottle. The time I spent pumping is now spent hugging and kissing NG and making her laugh. Time well spent then. Time well spent now.

So this is the lesson I'm taking away from this experience: Sometimes we work ourselves up over a decision - agonize over it, pick it apart, create unnecessary layers of complexity and stomp on our hearts - only to find that once the decision is made, it really was no big deal at all. Sure, there are ramifications either way. But 5 days pump-free, and I can honestly say I'm happier and even a better mother emotionally because of the decision to hang up the pump.

I can't say my experience will be the same for others, however, I hope by sharing this, other women will feel better about their decision, regardless of the way they go. We all do our best, and our best at one time may differ from our best at another time. We have to keep reminding ourselves that the more we beat ourselves up, the less positive energy we have to give to the ones we love.

Oh yeah, I have to remind myself of this. Consider myself reminded.

Mourning Milk

As many of you who have been following this blog know, I had a series of breastfeeding mishaps that led to a 12+ week nursing strike and eventually a complete refusal on NG's part to breastfeed. We tried absolutely everything under the sun known to woman and man regarding breastfeeding, and even had advice directly from Dr. Jack Newman, Canadian breastfeeding expert. Nothing worked other than one blissful week before our travels to France & Chile when NG latched on like the entire previous 12 weeks were no big deal and nursed until we were overseas.

So, for me, pumping was a necessity if I hoped to get any breastmilk into NG. And my milk production has been paltry at best despite all kinds of remedies to increase it. At one point (around 3 months), I was able to work up from barely 1/8th of an ounce each breast to 4-5 ounces each breast per session and then it plummeted again. My high the last 2 months has been about 1 ounce per breast, but usually I'm lucky to cover the bottom of each pump bottle with milk.

NG is a year this month, and I've been on the fence about not pumping anymore. I am really torn. On the one hand, I know I've done so much for her by pumping this long - 11 months - and even the slightest amount of breastmilk is supposed to be helpful and good for her. My naturopath even suggested that I continue as long as I can beyond 1 year. But I'm spent. I'm just so exhausted and want to ease up.

I'm down to 1 or 2 pump sessions a day, and the supply has remained steady but negligible. Today, I have yet to pump. I feel fine as long as my breasts aren't aching. Then they hurt, and I start feeling guilty and selfish and thinking maybe I should keep it up just a little while longer. Yet when I think about not pumping, I feel an incredible sense of relief. I've got all these feelings going on at once and don't know what to do and how to make my choice without guilt, regret, sadness, disappointment. Be gone bad feelings. Be gone.

Any thoughts or suggestions on how to make the transition away from pumping less troubling? Anyone else been there, done that?

Jeoparizing the Milk?

Well, we've all come down with bad, bad colds again. The last time this happened, NG and I were grossly congested while still in Chile, away from our naturopath and her pediatrician. I called the States and spoke with the pede's nurse who said to give her water to drink and keep moisture in the air (we hung out in the hotel bathroom with steam).

At that time, I had a huge and very emotional debate with myself - and some discussion here - about whether or not to take a decongestant. My milk supply was dwindling from the jet lag, dehydration of travel and sheer exhaustion and I didn't want to push it over the edge of dried up by adding medication to the mix. I avoided all medications and endured excruciating pain when flying. I was stoic about it. I did it for the milk. I did it for baby. My plan was to pump breast milk for her until she was a year. She was only 4 months at the time.

When I could finally breathe, I felt more determined than ever to keep up the milk supply. Even when the milk barely covered the bottom of the pump bottle, I didn't give up. I've been able to get it back up from less than 1/8th of an ounce each breast to about 1/2 to 1 1/2 ounces per breast per session. Not a lot, I know, but nothing to sneeze at.

So this is my long winded way of saying that I've been here before - sick with a cold so bad the congestion is a thick, solid wall of gunk from my nostrils to my brain that causes gagging when it tries to drain. You don't realize how great decongestant can be until you don't let yourself take any. I spent several days debating - "do I take some Theraflu so I can sleep?" and "do I take a Sudafed so I can get through the day able to manage some semblance of breathing?"

It has been agonizing for me to imagine that taking the medicine might dry up the milk that I'm trying to give NG for at least four more months. And then I finally realized that if I don't get some sleep, I'll be useless to her and a complete raving lunatic to my husband.

So I gave in.

Two nights ago, I took Theraflu. I slept like the proverbial baby (who by the way isn't sleeping through the night again - 3 or 4am, she is up wanting a diaper change and bottle. Hello?!?). The next morning, I dreaded pumping, imagining the sucking of the machine doing nothing but stretching my nipples to new lengths. But then...there was milk. Almost 3 ounces total.

So yesterday I took a chance and took a Sudafed to get through at least part of the day. Then took Theraflu last night again. This morning - a little over 3 ounces.

I'm spreading out the pumping sessions to let the medication clear my system (at night, I don't pump so there is at least 10 hours between medication and pumping). But I'm able to sleep (G. says I snored so loudly last night that he had to put in ear plugs). And I'm able to get through the day.

So far, the milk isn't drying up. In fact, I'm wondering if taking the decongestant has actually unclogged my boobs. I'm just saying, I was expecting to end up with a dribble like a faucet being closed off but instead, I'm getting as much if not a little more than before I got sick.

I'm keeping the medication intake down to 1 or 2 Sudafed total per day and then Theraflu at night until I can breathe again. I realize that I'm risking my milk supply, and that there is a possibility I won't be able to give her breastmilk for the year I had imagined. But I'll keep trying. That's all I can do. At a certain point I need to be satisfied with the fact that I have pumped for her since she was 3 weeks old, and she turns 8 months next week. Not bad. Not too bad at all.

The Lactivist Breastfeeding Blog: An Update on the "Pigsteria" and the Mother's Milk Bank Fundraiser

Link: The Lactivist Breastfeeding Blog: An Update on the "Pigsteria" and the Mother's Milk Bank Fundraiser.

As usual, I must be living under a rock. Mommyhood sure does keep me out of the loop of all the exciting and controverisal mommy blogger happenings. So just in case, like me, you are under said rock of mommyhood, check out the above link and give the Lactivist some love.

In the Blink of an Eye

How the course of everything breastfeeding can turn in a few days.

Last week, NG was breastfeeding several times a day and my milk production was low but I was working on it.

This week, she absolutely and utterly refuses to breastfeed and my milk supply is dwindling to frighteningly low proportions. I'm just about to pump again, trying to do it every 3 - 3.5 hours, just like her feedings.

I'm taking my More Milk Plus from Motherlove, drinking my Nursing Mom's tea, eating oatmeal and avocados, drinking lots and lots of water to the point of feeling drunk and dizzy.

I know I said that if she never breastfeeds again, I will be fine with it because she did it and we finally got to experience it.

Okay, I lied. I'm not fine with it. I'm trying to be one with it, be at peace with it, but it sucks and I don't accept it.

I'm not forcing the boob on her. Just offering and she arches her back and starts a low gutteral whine that threatens to escalate into a horror movie howl but doesn't when I snap the nursing flap back up. On rare occasion, she will latch on, suck rapidly for a few seconds, then push away as if to say "No good."

If this is the way it is, then this is the way it is. I just want to be able to pump enough milk so she is at least getting 50/50 breast milk to formula. Right now, formula is winning out and it pisses me off to no end. Especially since she has a cold right now and the formula is too thick to thin out her mucous.

I'll spend the weekend on the Pump Moms list to see if I can get any new tips or ideas.

I feel like I've pulled out all the stops before and it worked. Right now, however, it is feeling a little discouraging.

As the Boob Turns

Well, we are back from 6 weeks on the road and getting adjusted to being home again.

The biggest change is that NG is breastfeeding throughout the day again.

While traveling, I accepted the fact that she would only breastfeed in the middle of the night or early morning. I did pump using my Medela Pump In Style's battery pack (had an A/C adapter meltdown the very first time I tried plugging it in with what I thought was a power converter in France).

But pumping while exhausted and dehydrated much of the time rendered driblets of milk, not the 20+ ounces I was getting each day before we left.

We went from 90% breast milk/10% formula (i.e. one bottle formula before bedtime and the occasional 1-2 ounces supplementing breast milk bottles) before we left to 90% formula with 10% breast milk. When we returned to the States last week, I began producing a little more from pumping - maybe 80/20.

Now, because she is breastfeeding more, it is harder for me to measure, but I'd say we are getting to 50/50. She still wants part of a bottle after almost every breastfeeding session which tells me I'm still not producing a whole lot but enough so she isn't getting too discouraged. My goal is to get back to 90% bmilk and 10% formula. I've done it before - I think I can do it again.

So things are good with the breastfeeding.

Sure, she still rejects the boob at times, and I just smile, let her know it is okay, and give her a bottle. Things are so much different now than when I was practically begging her to take the boob and feeling rejected and dejected when she turned up her nose at it or more often screamed bloody murder to "get that damn boob out of my face."

After everything we've been through with The Breastfeeding Ordeal, it is just nice to be able to relax and accept whatever happens. But of course it is so much nicer that she is taking to the boob more often than not although it has only been 2 days so we'll see if this continues.

Some things I particularly like right now with our newfound breastfeeding experience:

1. I love the way she stops feeding for a moment, turns to look up at me and smiles really big, then resumes feeding.

2. I actually love getting up in the middle of the night to breastfeed her - I feel like we are making up for missed times during her 10 week nursing strike and the house is dark and quiet so it is just her and me.

3. I love it when she gets enough to eat and pulls away with the look of a drunken sailor, eyes shut, lower lip pouting out in a crooked smile, milk dribbling from her mouth.

4. I love it when she just takes to the breast without a moment of hesitation, like she's been doing it all her life and it is the most natural thing in the world.

5. I love the way I feel more bonded to her and attribute much of this to resolving our breastfeeding issues.

Some things I don't understand yet about the way she breastfeeds:

1. Why does she flail at times while feeding, whacking her face, my boob, my arm, my shoulder, my face if I'm bending over?

2. Why does she, at other times, grab my nursing bra and pull on it while feeding? Is she looking for additional entertainment during a meal?

3. Why does she grab the areola with both hands and squeeze - is she trying to get more milk out? She started doing this first with her bottle and now has started doing it to the breast. (NOTE TO SELF: Learn how to trim her nails.)

4. Why does she still sometimes reject the boob outright before she has even tried to see if there is any milk there - does she really have a 6th sense about milk supply or can she tell by smell?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on some of these questions or even anecdotes that tell me she isn't the only one doing this stuff.

Quickie Update

Still on the road. Another country, another timezone. Here's the lowdown - random thoughts...

1. Baby doesn't know of time zones so in reality, we are on Baby Zone which is whenever she wants to sleep or be awake. Awake is when it is nighttime, of course, so our sleep patterns are kerflooey. Such is life doing intercontinental travel with baby.

2. Breast milk production can decrease significantly during travel. I have gone from 20 ounces a day pumping or 3-4 ounces each session for 5 or 6 sessions to 1-2 ounces per session for a total of about 8-10 ounces. But NG is breastfeeding late at night and the first feeding of the morning. Otherwise, she rejects the boobs because I now am certain she has a 6th sense about how much is in there even without having to suck. I did bring along my own tea (Nursing Mom and Mother's Milk teas) and instant oatmeal to help with the milk production.

3. Air France worships mothers and babies, FYI. LAN, however, does not. We weren't allowed to board the plane early and the flight attendants barely looked at NG unlike the Air France ones who were oohing and aahing over her and taking her from us now and then to play with her.

4. Chileans worship babies (and call them WaWas). Parisians do not. While we did get an occasional smile or inquiry while in France about NG (versus Paris), in just the first day in Santiago, Chile, people stop to talk to us, inquire about the baby, even give us instructions (cover her face because of the pollution, dress her more warmly because it is still cool out). They are constantly smiling at us and the baby and making comments ("Que linda" or "How pretty.")

5. Pumping on the plane has been fine. Only had to do the bathroom pump session once. The rest of the time, I've been doing it at my seat with my knit poncho over me. This last time, on the 7.5 hour flight to Chile, I was even sitting right next to a man. But he had put shades on his eyes and was snoring and seemed none the wiser to what I was doing under the poncho.

6. Formula - Learned that the iron content in the formula in other countries can be different. In Paris, we had to buy a canister and NG's poops began to turn green. When we switched back to her regular kind, her poops returned back to their normal color.

7. Airport Security - So far they have been really good about both the breast pump and any liquid I'm carrying for baby - breastmilk or formula - doesn't matter. Everything has gotten through. They even allowed me a bottle of water for myself so I wouldn't get dehydrated. They did glance sideways at the powdered breast formula in the ziploc bag that did slightly resemble an illicit drug but a quick explanation took care of that. I put all other liquids or gels in their containers in a clear ziploc bag so they could look at them - Chapstick, lotion, diaper cream, toothpaste, etc. - all in 3 oz containers or smaller. Was able to take everything.

Overall, things are going well considering we are doing worldwide travel with a small baby. NG turns 4 months this week. An international birthday girl!

The Pump and the Boob

Well, we've been in France since Wednesday, and traveling with baby has been overall a good thing, but only because I realized that it could only work if we resolved to be on the baby's schedule and just take things as they come. Up all night? Fine. We can try to nap during the day. Wake up at 4:30am? Feed her, change her, take a shower, sleep if she sleeps or stay up and blog. No problemo.

And it works best if we take turns - playing, feeding, changing, walking, holding. There isn't a steady rhythm here - it is all improvisational jazz. But that's okay - it is still music. This is life.

The Pump

It took a little coordinating to get down to just one carry-on plus one laptop or purse (new regulations). My pump was my main carry-on and a baby frontpack with a backpack stuffed with baby things was my "purse" but really Noa's carry-on. As a lap baby, she was not allowed to have her own luggage so her bags had to count as our bags. Hubby carried my laptop and his laptop on the plane.

The pump went through without a hitch. I had a doctor's note in it just in case, but not even a question.

We did have to keep our liquids in a separate transparent bag, and we were asked to declare any liquids (not in checked bags). At one leg of the trip, we were told that the ready-to-use formula cans were too big (8 oz) to bring but "since we didn't know," we were allowed to pass through with them in carry-on. Turns out the rule was no larger than 3 oz containers so the next time, I poured the ready-to-use into 2 Medela bottles and kept them in the cold compartment in pump case (Medela Pump-in-Style, BTW).

After several flights, I realized that I had not declared pumped breastmilk or prepared formula (5 oz per bottle) that was in the pump's cold compartment so technically I guess I was smuggling it, eh? But like I said, the pump passed through without question, including the frozen insert that kept the milk cool throughout the flights.

Pumping in Flight

I brought along a little knit poncho that I had purchased at Old Navy a year ago but had never wore. Now it is officially the Pumping Poncho. I pumped twice at airports sitting smack dab in the gate area, at my seat on two different planes with the poncho on and once in an airplane bathroom which really wasn't bad. The time in the bathroom was because there was a man sitting next to me - I was in the center seat for that leg of the flight - and it was definitely too close for comfort.

The bathroom was in the back of the plane and roomier than the other ones. I just sat on the closed toilet seat, pump on floor, and nothing had to touch anything else in the confined space. I did run hot water to rinse the flanges then cleaned them again later at the hotel.

I've been using a battery pack with 10 rechargeable batteries in it. They lasted through 2 domestic and 1 international flight and for a few days at the hotel.

Pumping at the Hotel

Because of the time zone changes, the jet lag, probably some dehydration from the flights and dry hotel air, I've been producing less milk. We've been doing more formula/milk combo bottles also for the convenience because the travel has been exhausting and since we're here for my work, the schedules - while flexible - have been more demanding than if we were on vacation.

I've been using the battery pack at the hotel and only today has the power begun to wane. I had puchased a plug converter for the overseas travel and just assumed that I could plug the pump in at the hotel here in France just like I could my laptop. As smoke began to seep out of the A/C adapter, I suddenly realized how incorrect I was. Then I noticed that on the back of the various A/C adapters for our electronic equipment, some say "100 - 240 VAC" while the pump says "120 VAC." I'm guessing that is the range of power it can take. So I may have melted the Medela pump's A/C adapter.

Luckily, the battery charger I brought says "100-240" as does my laptop adapter so chances are it will work. Luckily, I purchased 20 rechargeable batteries and had 10 charged ones waiting in the wings for when the first batch ran out of juice. So pumping - while less frequently than at home where my pump schedule was every 2-4 hours - is going well.

Boob Report

Well, NG is taking the boob straight up, no shield. Since we've been on the road, fumbling around for the shield has been a pain so I started just trying to get her directly to the breast. At first, she fussed so we'd have the bottle ready to avoid disturbing those around us (on flights, at the hotel, etc.) Then suddenly she started just latching on like she'd been doing it forever. Not always - the environment has to be right - but she is going for the boob more often than ever.

For the last few days, she has been feeding direct from the milk tap in the wee hours of the morning and then the regular morning feeding (she doesn't have a night/day schedule anymore). If I can get her to breastfeed during the day between work sessions, then we do that. Otherwise, I'm doing formula/b-milk bottles using whatever I can pump in between. Evening feedings and night feedings are also mostly at the breast.

I'm no longer counting ounces or number of feedings or number of pump sessions. We're just playing it by ear and providing her with whatever she seems to need and want foodwise. I'm just a food source, and I'm cool with that. We'll just continue doing the breastfeeding/pumping/blended bottle thing, and I'll keep trying to maintain good milk production throughout it all.

No one said it would be easy, but it is certainly worth it.

As the Boob Turns...

On a happy and positive breastfeeding note (since I already complained about loss of brain function below), NG only took 2 bottles yesterday. All other meals were via the boobs with minimal muss or fuss. This morning, she even took the left boob without the nipple shield - straight onto actual nipple.

After everything we've been through, this just seems like such a fascinating and amazing experience. For anyone who is new here and hasn't followed our breastfeeding saga, the Reader's Digest version is:

1. THE MASH: After NG latching on within the first hour or so after birth, later that night in hospital, a nurse mashed my nipple and areola between her fingers to shove the whole thing into NG's mouth. The result was a swollen mushy mess that NG couldn't latch onto and later resulted in edema (fluid behind the areola) and permanent disfigurement (misshappen puffy areola).

2. THE SLICE: On Day Two, lactation consultant hands sees swollen breast and hands me a nipple shield without giving me any instructions or checking to see if it fits. Learned nearly two months later that they come in 3 sizes and 2 versions - 16mm, 20mm, and 24mm and only 16mm and 20mm come in the "contact" version where part of the shield is cut away. The first time I used the nipple shield, it sliced both nipples open and blistered them as well.

3. THE ROCK: By Day 5 (Saturday), my right breast had not been drained and was hard as a rock, hot, swollen and totally red. Went to aforementioned lactation consultant who had me pump the breast in her office. She said I should pump but I didn't have one yet and couldn't rent one from the drugstore until the following week. I don't remember her telling me that I had to pump every few hours continuously in order to unclog my ducts. She did invite me back to the hospital on Sunday to pump if I needed. I did go - but only once. Didn't realize I should have just stayed there and pumped all day.

4. THE INFECTION: The right breast got infected. Wasn't diagnosed with mastitis until around Day 9 or 10. Put on antibiotics. Meanwhile, every single breastfeeding with NG was excruciating. I was bleeding, the pain was searing and constant (even when not feeding her), the sores on the nipples were also infected. Saw a new lactation consultant per midwife's recommendation who was so shocked by my breasts that she took photos. She helped get me on a pumping schedule to keep the breasts drained.

5. THE THRUSH: Antibiotics wreaked havoc on both me and NG. We got thrush which put a damper on breastfeeding although we both went on gentian violet and kept trying.

6. THE REJECTION: Eventually, NG said NO to the boobs. She began to scream hysterically at the very sight of them. I couldn't even get her near. At 3 weeks, she was nowhere near her birth weight and only started gaining when I introduced formula into her feedings. We were using a Finger Feeder which took an hour per feeding to try to prevent nipple confusion. She wasn't confused - she HATED the breast, and now I look back and think it was because it seemed to mean pain for me and starvation for her.

7. THE STRIKE: NG refused the breast from around the end of her 3rd week until about her 13th week. That is one stubborn baby. Introduced a bottle in the midst of the strike which was easier for all of us although it left me feeling defeated - that the hope for breastfeeding was probably over. Still, I wasn't ready to totally give it up.

And as of last Saturday, the breastfeeding began. I think part of her taking the boob is that I'm no longer in the constant pain from "injuries" sustained during labor. After having some granulation tissue removed from my perineum last week, the only pain I now have is back and hip-related. Being in intense and continuous pain for 3 months must have affected my chemistry. NG probably senses that I am feeling less pain and am therefore less stressed and the boob is more inviting to her because of it.

THE SWEETEST NOTE: Since breastfeeding for the last week - even though it is a new process to learn, can be a bit of a pain in the tit (not literally, just figuratively), and is confusing my body so it doesn't know yet how to manage this new powersucking of the milk - I am finally feeling bonded to NG.

I am almost certain a lot of that bonding is chemical, and because I'm so sensitive to any chemical or hormone coursing through my veins, I'm getting a big dose of "breastfeeding high" from the release of hormones. Much more powerful than what happens while pumping. NG seems to be feeling it, too, and after some of her feedings, she'll just gaze into my eyes and coos and smiles - not at all what she does after a bottle feed.

And my moods are a little better. I'm not 100%, but between taking more progesterone and the breastfeeding, I seem to be able to cope a little more with the day-to-day. Of course, don't talk to me in the evening when I hit a wall and crash. But for the most part, I think even my husband would agree that I've transitioned into a better place.

The family will be traveling for a while so I'll blog when I can. Will have the electric pump in tow, the nipple shield in hand, the boobs at the ready and some formula on the side to feed the baby however she'll take it.

Will the electric pump be allowed on the plane?
How will we survive pumping in flight?
Will the pump work in a foreign country?
Will we even need the pump?

Find out in the next installment of...Boob-a-licious!

Breastfeeding Kills Brain Cells

I'm sure there is a correlation between NG starting to breastfeed and the rapid deterioration of my brain capacity in the last week. Some ways I know my brain is not the same is I'm doing more of the usual "mommy mush brain" things. Such as:

1. Forgetting things on the stove and burning them.

2. Putting my navy blue sling in with NG's clothes and the entire load turns BLUE.

3. Pouring bleach into the blue wash to try to turn everything back to white but not knowing how much I just poured in so pouring in more and stinking up the whole house of bleach in the process. (The clothes did revert back to white, thank goodness.)

4. Forgetting her bottle several times when we went out this past week - hard to convince baby that mommy isn't trying to starve her even though she doesn't have her bottle and is not yet ready for prime time public breastfeeding.

5. Forgetting keys in the house when on the way to lactation consultant appointment and locking myself, NG and the dogs out in the freezing cold morning. (Walked down the block until I could find a neighbor who was home so we could stay warm until husband returned home to rescue us.)

6. Forgetting my nipple shield when we went to the lactation consultant which was the whole point of going in the first place in order to show her how I'm getting NG to the breast. (Luckily, LC had a stash of shields. NG refused to latch on while there, of course, because she didn't want an audience.)

7. Forgetting the dogs outside for hours and hours then looking around the house at some point wondering where the dogs went.

Not only has my brain capacity been reduced, but my appetite has increased noticeably in the last week. I am starving and thirsty all the time - very different from how I feel after pumping. Interesting... Anyone else experience any of the above?