babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

The Va-Jay-Jay Blues

The time has come for me to post another controversial post about something that NOBODY talks about. At first, the topic was miscarriage. Then post partum depression. Then it was early female baldness. But now, I will step over the line and take a big risk yet I feel it is my duty to go where no public conversation has gone before...Vagina Blues.

I am sharing this information with you all - I mean potentially the whole world and lots of people who know me in all facets of my life - because someone has got to talk about it. I'm sure a lot of women are suffering out there. I know I'm building this up, and you'll be waiting for the punchline, but this is actually not one of my humorous posts, believe it or not. Maybe a bit snarky, but definitely not funny.

For the last few months, I've been experiencing strange vaginal odor. G. says he doesn't smell anything bad, but to me, my usual neutral smell has transformed into a foulness that reminds me of dead things soaked in vinegar. Not accompanied by itching or pain so I'm told it probably isn't an infection.

My gyno says it is yet another of the lovely signs of peri-menopause which can go on for a decade. She says it means I'm too alkaline. She told me to use an over-the-counter product called RePhresh. I've been using it 2x a week, and it has worked like a charm until recently.

I keep thinking it is systemic so I went to my naturopath who said no, I'm not too alkaline, but most likely too acidic. She had me purchase some PH strips, and I'm supposed to test my saliva, urine and vaginal fluid. Of course, remembering to do anything is a struggle much less to reach for the little roll of colored paper to spit, pee and stick it up my yoni every morning.

The few times I've remembered this week, my saliva is on the uppermost alkaline side of normal, my vaginal fluid is on the lowermost side of acidic, and I keep forgetting to pee on the paper so haven't tested urine yet. I've got to get with the program and do the complete PH testing on a consisten basis.

Since the ol' v-jay-jay is acidic, I'm following my naturopath's instructions to drink water with lemon in the mornings as often as I can remember. I guess I need to start sticking Post It Notes all over the house to prompt me to do these things. She told me to cut out coffee, but I'm just a little too mch in need of a coffee boost these days what with baby waking up several times a night wanting me to read her books.

I'm tired. I'm stinky. I'm balding. I'm practically blind without reading glasses. I'm still having night sweats. No wonder nobody talks about this stuff - it is all a total downer. Getting old is one thing, but smelling bad while doing it - that's just way too much to have to deal with.

Am I the only one with the Va-Jay-Jay Blues? Please comment - even if you have to do it anonymously. I totally understand. I'm fine being the one to put it all out there. At least I didn't include pictures with this one. Until they get scratch 'n' sniff for the Web, it wouldn't work anyhow.

The Latest Foods

Here's the latest on NG's menu:

1. a nice blend of swiss chard, carrots and zucchini

2. Puffin cereal and Sans Gluten apple & cinnamon cereal

3. rice cereal with black strap molasses and/or ground pumpkin seed

4. organic ground turkey soup with veggies (mostly broth, little bits of meat)

5. just gave her a few pieces of turkey breast today

6. pieces of banana

7. cooked sweet potato (bought some frozen sweet potato "fries" that are baked and easy to heat up)

8. acorn & butternut squash

9. Van's gluten-free, egg & dairy free Waffles

10. Carrot strips steamed

11. Gerber Graduates dehydrated mini fruits (banana pineapple, apple and sweet corn)

12. cauliflower - not her favorite

I'm still supplementing with about 4-5 bottles of formula (organic dairy) and Gerber organics for green beans in particular. Still avoiding wheat gluten since I have a progressively worse sensitivity.

All in all, she is eating, growing, eating and growing some more. That's the food update!

Any other fast & easy suggestions? Always looking for ideas.

Update on Anemia & Heart

I'm so happy I went to our naturopath for another opinion. Interesting stuff.

Regarding the anemia:

Doctor's office said that they measured NG's hematocrit only. It was 32% instead of 34 - the level they would like to see at minimum. But the range, they told me when I called from the naturopath's office, is 29 low normal to 41 high normal. NG is at 32 - in the low normal range. Before, I thought the doctor meant 34 was low and 32 was under. Glad I got that clarified.

Naturopath was surprised they weren't also checking hemoglobin along with hematocrit. She wasn't sure if that was a new protocol - to not do a more complete check. She said that normal levels of hemoglobin should be around 11 and offered to do a quick finger prick test to see what NGs levels were at. She did (NG didn't even flinch). NG was at 11.2.

So combined - low normal hematocrit and normal hemoglobin - meant that the high dose hard to digest and absorb and mightily constipating iron supplement originally prescribed for NG was overkill. She felt that some natural supplementing would do the trick but even felt that additional iron supps were not really needed.

Still, for my comfort level, I could give her a totally herbal source of iron called Floradix that is easy to take, absorb and is non-constipating. I actually took this while pregnant. She also told me of some other food sources that are high in iron including black strap molasses that I could add to NG's rice cereal. I felt really good about this approach.

For the heart murmur:

The naturopath complimented NGs doctor on even hearing it - it was so slight, so faint, that she really had to listen for it. Given that the in vitro sonogram showed no abnormalities and that the murmur showed up during a growth spurt, she, too, feels pretty confident that it is related to growing and not a problem. So she echoed what NGs doctor already said. She felt that by next checkup at 1 year, it would be gone and the anemia wouldn't be there either.

NG is full of energy and playful, not short of breath or blueish. We'll check it out again in June. It will be interesting to see how she is doing then.

When it hit me, it hit hard

This is something I posted on Maya's Mom a little while ago, but it just seemed like something I wanted to post here because it sums up what I've been through in recent months. But I'm doing good today. Yes, real good.

When It Hit Me, It Hit Hard

I ended up with knock down drag out post partum depression around 4 months but even before that, there were signs.

Maybe the time I threw a dirty plate from the dinner table up in the air because I was so angry could have been a clue. Or when I screamed at my husband to "give me the baby, you can't keep her from me!" then ran through the house slamming doors and cursing at him to leave me alone. Or the time I ran from the house screaming with the car keys, thinking I'd drive away (where? somewhere, anywhere) and he had to chase after me, wrap his arms around me tightly, lead me back into the house.

When it hit hard, it wasn't depression in the way I had thought about depression. I wasn't sad. I was angry. I was seething. I was absolutely furious. Everything set me off. In my mind, as long as I didn't want to hurt my baby, then I would be okay. But I didn't think twice about wanting to hurt myself.

When it looked like I was going to be put on anti-depressants, I couldn't go there. I had heard too many stories about people who went on them and then committed suicide and knowing how sensitive I am to anything I put into my body, I feared that they'd send me over the edge.

So I turned to a naturopath and in one 2 hour visit, she pinpointed exactly what I needed. She said that the hormone imbalance I was feeling included large amounts of adrenaline and epinephrine pumping into my system sending me into "fight or flight" mode. This definitely explained my state of constant panic. The only way I could describe it was that I was screaming inside, constantly.

She gave me supplements to help my adrenal glands to not overproduce adrenaline and an amino acid to spray under my tongue when I would start to feel panicky. Within a few days, I felt...as normal as one can feel after having a life changing and body changing event happen at age 41 (having a baby, of course).

I can't say normal because I'm not who I was before baby. I'm another person, totally changed, and half the time I'm not sure who I am. I've seen a therapist a few times to explore this aspect of motherhood. Nobody told me I would lose my identity and have an identity crisis that would only add to my PPD.

In the 2 months since I started getting treatments for my PPD, I haven't any out of control, irrational outbursts. And I'm not screaming inside. When I feel something creeping in, I spray the amino acid under my tongue a few times and then take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. I have only had to do that one time in the last 3 weeks.

I still don't know who I am, although when I went to a friend's birthday party last month with my husband and baby, we had to wear name tags. I put my name, then under it, I wrote "NG's Mom." After the party, I stuck it on the inside of my coat and it is still there, a little worn around the edges, but there to remind me at least who I am in part. I need that reminder.

10 Big & Tiny Milestones

In no particular order...

1. I am less depressed or stressed or anxious or panicky or freaked out or angry or whatever I have been, and this could be a result of the Mayan Abdominal Massage combined with the 2 squares of dark chocolate I'm eating daily now.

2. NG finally started rolling over last week at over 9 months. She went from tummy to crawling but was getting stuck like a bug on her back unable to roll. Now she rolls constantly including when I'm trying to change her diaper. Luckily, I change her on the floor but she ends up crawling away diaperless & peeing on the carpet.

3. We got a highchair for NG so she has graduated from Bumbo to the Eddie Bauer wooden high chair. Would have gotten a Stokke Tripp Trapp if it wasn't so expensive ($100 more).

4. I bought a Maya wrap hoping to carry NG around more as part of my quest to bond more with her. Will report back on how it is working.

5. NG cried out over a dozen times last night although some of the time she was still sleeping. I heard that babies can start waking up more in the middle of the night when they start reaching major milestones like crawling and rolling over. Basically she is rolling over on her tummy and sleeping on her knees with her head down on the mattress. This doesn't look comfortable but if I try to turn her onto her back, she instantly rolls back to this position.

6. NG was whimpering this morning (in the above position which in yoga is called the child pose but in a crib looks like a weird way for baby to be sleeping). I picked her up and bundled her in her favorite blanket then held her and rocked her for 45 minutes before the babysitter arrived. I felt very much like a mommy doing this. She then stretched and opened her eyes and smiled at me. Have to admit that was pretty sweet.

7. NG is eating dehydrated apple, smushed lima beans, unsweetened rice puff cereal, Puffin gluten free molasses sweetened cereal pieces and wedges of apple (she sucks on/rubs her bottom semi-teeth on them) for snacks. Any other suggestions on good finger foods for a still pretty toothless baby that does not have WHEAT in them? I tried banana but that might as well have been Play-doh for all the squishing and minimal eating.

8. NG has discovered cupboards so this weekend we have to lock the dangerous ones and fill some of them with unbreakable pots, pans and Tupperware to create a new adventure for her.

9. I'm teaching NG how to blow kisses and give hugs. Right now she squeals with delight when I hug her - a far cry from the back arching "don't touch me mommy" way she was reacting only a month ago. For blowing kisses, she is fascinated and watches intently but so far she responds by clicking her tongue. We have been having a lot of tongue clicking conversations lately.

10. I'm hopeful this week. Maybe a little tentative because I know I've felt better before but then sank deeper into the thick mess of PPD. But this time I'm feeling pretty even keel. Highs aren't too high. Lows aren't too low. Mind is a little more clear and I'm able to come up with creative coping mechanisms to avoid anxiety and anger triggers. Any more of this, and I just might start thinking I'm getting better.

Technorati Tags: mother motherhood post partum baby babyfruit

S.A.D.

Saw my naturopath this week. Told her everything that has been going on recently. I was really upset that I could not go to her 8 weeks post treatment and say "Oh my God, I feel GREAT." I could have said that to her last week or for days in a row the week before. I could say I've been having more good days than bad days a while ago, but the last few weeks have not been great.

She listened carefully to my explanation, asked me a few more questions, then explained what she thought might be the problem. A Vitamin D and serotonin deficiency caused by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder" TARGET=NEW>S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder</a>. Damn, these dark days of winter up here finally got to me.

I love my naturopath. She still makes me feel good about myself every time I'm there even if in general, I'm feeling like crap. She is attentive, thoughtful, thorough, and above all, caring. She explained that during pregnancy, my Vitamin D levels doubled but after giving birth, they were depleted. Add to that the inability for my skin and retinas to absorb the right aspects of sunlight - either because of the daytime darkness or more recently the subzero temperatures that are keeping me inside - and you have a recipe for S.A.D. She also mentioned that February is the killer month for S.A.D. to manifest.

So I had my blood drawn to measure my Vitamin D levels before getting treated for anything although she is recommending Vitamin D shots (small needle in hip muscle) for a while to boost my levels back to the appropriate numbers. Moderate levels are around 20 although she says naturopaths like to see levels of around 50. Most people in Alaska end up with levels around 10. She is pretty sure I'm deficient seeing as how I had been feeling really, really good 4-6 weeks post-treatment (homeopathy) but now feel terrible.

I also told her about screaming at/around NG. She listened thoughtfully again, then when I was done, she leaned toward me and said "I don't want you to think you are the only person who has yelled at their child. Because you're not." Of course, I practically started blubbering when I heard this because intellectually I know it to be true and after reading comments here I know it to be true, but emotionally I'm still so upset about it.

Even my therapist - who I am now seeing once a month just to touch base - said basically the same thing. Neither my naturopath or therapist were concerned that I was a bad mother or sinking into a pit of despair from which there would be no return (translation: Mommy Hell), and where I'd end up a stark, raving, screaming freak. It is a relief that my health care providers are confident that I will be okay. I just have to start believing it myself.

Knowing that my latest inability to cope, feeling overwhelmed and doomed, etc. is based on a scientifically proven condition that is common up here where I live, I can feel hopeful that it is treatable and that I am not actually going crazy. I just feel like it right now. But that will go away.

Like with Post Partum Depression, I've heard and read a lot about S.A.D., and just having the information out there and available has helped me actually ask for help. I hope by writing about my struggles will also help others and not just lead you all to believe I'm totally nuts.

Chow

NG will be 6 months old next week. We started her on solid foods today.

We're following the naturopathic approach to introducing solids to baby. Introducing one food at a time for 2-3 days. If no reaction, introduce a new high iron food by itself for 2-3 days. And so on until you have introduced a dozen or so foods that are appropriate for 6-9 month olds. And as you find foods that are non-reactive, you can start making combos.

Gluten (wheat, barley, etc), eggs, soy, meat and other potential allergens or harder-to-digest foods won't enter the mix until at least 1 year old or later.

Her first meal was...drum roll please....Swiss Chard. Steamed then run through the baby food mill. Yum.

Baby opened her mouth right away for the little spoon. Most of the food actually went into her mouth. She made some faces, some of it came back out of her mouth, but all in all, it was a pretty calm and fun experience.

This weekend....kale!

Other things on the list to introduce over the next few months (all run through the food mill and diluted with breastmilk or water):

Spinach
Pumpkin Seeds
Apricots
Bananas
Blueberries
Broccoli
Pumpkin
Peas
Rasberries
Green Beans

NG seems pretty game for more food. She has been downing over 36 ounces of formula and breastmilk per day (usually 2 oz. b-milk to every 4 oz. formula - my supply is pretty weak.)

Prepping the food and feeding her were the highlights of my day. It was a pretty bad day hormone/mood/emotion-wise. I found that I felt better when I focused solely on NG so that is what I did.