babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

decisions, decisions

went for walk/hobble slow as a snail down our cul-de-sac. started to activate a lot. contractions began coming every 4 minutes. now they are every 4-5 minutes. some are much more intense than before and I've found that I have to vocalize a little but still in my relaxation/breathing mode. on exercise ball now.

we are having an ongoing discussion about when to go to the hospital. the midwife said the "rule" is 4-1-1 - four minutes apart, 1 min long, over the course of 1 hour. For the last 40 minutes or so, I think that is what we've had except for the occasional 5 minutes apart which seem to correspond when I'm distracted.

ate a bowl of cream of rice. G. is putzing around the house gathering things to bring. he finally gave in and loaded labor bag and diaper bag in car. Mom on the other hand says "its not time yet." I finally told her to stop saying negative things - because what does she know, really? not only did she have a cesarean for me and for my sister, she admitted a few days ago that this whole process is totally new to her since she didn't go through it with us.

NG feels like she is trying to kick her way out of the amniotic sac. I keep wondering if it will go pop. the extra intensity seems to be from her head getting down in there. well, we're ready to head out. will probably see what happens over next 1/2 hour, call midwife, see what she says. And knowing how things have been going, we'll probably get to the hospital and get checked and find out I'm only 2 cm dilated and they'll send us home.

what will be will be.

ride the wave

that is my new mantra - ride the wave.

in hypnobirthing class, we'd watch these videos of hypnobirths and I was totally amazed at how calm, quiet and peaceful the women were. then they'd open their eyes, look totally refreshed, and eat a meal. how can that be? I asked myself. that isn't what I normally hear or see.

well, I'm relaxed, refreshed and feel fairly rested even though the sleep came at 10-20 minutes stretches through the night. I'm sitting on the recliner, calm and quiet. mom made me scrambled eggs and I ate them right up. contractions - or surges as hypnobirthers call them - or waves come steadily but not closer than 10 minutes yet.

just found out one of my best girlfriends is in labor - already at the hospital. she was 3 weeks behind me in due date but had lost her mucous plug and was 100% effaced last week. we've all been joking that it was a competition between the overachievers. seems like she may win this one!

I'll just ride my waves and see what comes next as it comes.

night labor

Still laboring. Resting/sleeping in between contractions. Still erratic - 6 min. 10 min. longer. shorter. had to finally get up to eat something. worried I won't be able to eat later. eating cold mashed potatos. good stuff.

taking side lying position to turn baby - having back labor so trying to shift her as per midwife instructions. when she shifted into a better position, suddenly felt next contraction entirely in my front. very intense. worked at not panicking again. At one point, G. had to remind me to breathe more slowly - very helpful.

went to midwife around 6:45pm last evening for a quick check. had read so much about laboring women who get checked and find they are only 1 cm dilated so I was very prepared. sure enough - after over 13 hours of early labor, just 1 cm. that felt good to know progress was happening. NG HB 130s and 140s - strong.

she gave me Ambien just in case, to sleep if I cannot. I've been in and out of sleep up until this point so wondering if I should take. lasts about 6 hours. still feeling pretty relaxed in between everything. trying not to anticipate next one. just accepting them as waves.

lost rest of mucous plug. felt cervix creaky/stretch when walking from bathroom a little earlier. I like observing these things as if I were just a quiet observer looking in on the activities. keeps things in perspective for me.

just had another contraction. very focused on lower abdomen. very intense. just rocked rhythmically on chair and breathed into it. will go now to finish my mashed potatoes.

a lull

things seems to have slowed down a bit. they were cooking for a while - 6-8 minutes apart (this is just an approximation as I haven't been writing them down and only glance occasionally at the clock) and more intense. I kept doing my hypnobirthing breathing thing to the point that G. and mom had no idea I was having contractions. In fact mom said to her sister on the phone "she isn't really having contractions - I think it will be a few more days." And G. went to Home Depot, bought fertilizer and a fan, assembled the fan, fertilized the yard - so this is how a man handles labor!

had some ice cream, then tried some quinoa but it had the wrong taste for me so spit it right out. then mom made me some cream of rice cereal. did my hypnobirthing cd, my neighbor came by and gave me a foot rub. she also said "be prepared for this to last for a few days." a few days?

got on the recliner and dozed off. was able to doze and then breathe through contractions and eventually noticed they were spacing apart farther than before. well, I've been told this is common with first pregnancies. I'm just taking advantage of the lull to keep resting. I was thinking we'd be going to the hospital this evening sometime. Now I'm just thinking that I don't know what to think but that's okay.

ah, another contraction...

that was the first time I counted duration - about a minute long. okay, no more counting, just chill, baby, chill. NG does some rearranging inside now and then - sometimes big movements, sometimes little ones. she doesn't seem too alarmed, seems to know what to do.

another update, so sue me

things progressing. closer together - just a bit. more intense. the first more intense one scared the shit out of me and I panicked. then when I realized my body was just dosing out the next level to test me, I knew that panic was not what I needed. I just go into myself, into this third eye place with glowing yellow and orange and think "liquid, liquid" - I don't know why but that was the word that entered my head and it is now a very good word. I've rested, showered, bounced on exercise ball to disco music and had 2 bowls of soup. still able to chat a little but also pausing a little to breathe through the next one. so happy to be able to post this (so sue me). it brings me comfort and anything that brings me comfort right now is a welcome thing. what comforts me may not comfort you. we are all different - that is what I keep reminding myself as everyone I encounter (and many here online) give me different opinions and advice. so scary/strange how all the women I've bumped into over last week (strangers - at mall, in other public places) all say "I have one word for you - epidural." well, maybe, maybe not - we are all so different. well, I'm bouncing on the ball again - bounce that baby down. She's a Brick...House...she's mighty mighty, letting it all hang out. thinking about my hypnobirthing CD next. mom was laughing at me as I was disco bouncing. G. is out mowing the lawn. His way of handling stress. yes, we are all so different. I'll only post again if I feel like it. thanks for being here.

Could be nothing...

Woke up with a start - sharp pain. Hmmm...

Jumped out of bed - no small feat with the pain in my hip/butt.

"I think we have some action," I said to G.

Hobbled to bathroom.

Blood - I could see it in the very dim light of the unlit bathroom.

Pads, pads, where are pads when you need them? Probably in the downstairs bathroom. Not in the mood to tackle stairs. Stuffed Kleenex into my undies and went back to bed.

"I think we have some action," I repeated to G. who was basically sleeping.

"Good, good..." he said in his half-sleep.

"Did you hear what I said?"

"You have some action."

"Don't you want to know what kind?"

"A contraction."

"Not just that - bloody show. I think I saw part of my mucous plug down the toilet."

"Good, good..."

I thought he'd be a little more excited but I'm sure he was just so tired.

Another contraction. 5:51am. OK, I see how this is different from crampy. This is Crampy Plus - a feeling from my low back stretching across abdomen with extra stuff happening in the cervix area.

"Rub my back," I told G. and he did. That really helped.

Another contraction 6am. He rubbed my back and pointed out how tense I was. But I thought I was relaxed because I was breathing slowly so it brought a whole new awareness to the words "tense" and "relaxed." Good, this is good.

We rested and chatted for a bit.

Another contraction.

"What time is it, can you check?"

"6:10. 10 minutes apart."

"Good."

I'll get a little bite to eat and then lay down again. Not feeling too much at the moment so maybe it is just a false start. But I did ask for a little light at the end of the tunnel and it twinkled.

still preggers

Gosh, I waited so long (4 miscarriages) to get pregnant and now I can't get unpregnant. Good, some humor coming out of me after 24 hours of depression setting in.

This hip/butt pain is excruciating now and won't let up. Walking is nearly impossible as is anything else involving my right leg. This feeling of sudden and near complete helplessness is just discouraging as hell and the inability to walk to to "get things going" is frustrating as hell. The thing that is depressing me, though, is just the constant pain without any relief in sight. At least with labor pain, you can count on relief in 16-24 hours on average. This has been virtually non-stop for over a week.

And now the hormones decide to kick in full force, sending me into tirades and crying jags. I am truly unpleasant to be around, even for myself.

Trying to snap out of it because I know a positive mental attitude makes all the difference in the world. I've gained an new empathy not just for people who are overweight and dealing with the struggles and pains of carrying around excess weight but also people who are in chronic pain and live with pain every day. I know I must be sounding melodramatic, so blame it on the hormones.

I just need to see some light at the end of this pain tunnel.

I just need to focus on the prize. Focus on the prize.

P.S. - My sister has access to my blog and will post something here when she gets a call about a new arrival. But I'll keep posting as long as I'm not feeling too morose.

what does she do all day?

OK, for all you wonderful Babyfruit readers who are concerned about me getting enough rest, here is a typical breakdown of my days. Doing housework like cleaning and laundry? You must have me mistaken for one of those other nesters! My idea of nesting is reclining on the recliner or taking a nap. At this point, I don't even have to lift a finger to prepare any meals at all - mom and G. have taken over the care and feeding of this prego.

6-7am - wake up, check emails, blog a little

7:30am - breakfast - mom makes eggs or rice cereal

8am - recline on sofa, laptop on a lapdesk, answer emails, visit with mom

9:30am - post breakfast snack - mom prepares

10am - sit on rocker glider, read a book or magazine, let dogs out or sometimes nap for 2 hours

11am - if not napping, ride in the car with mom to the store, stay in car and doze while she shops or ride the store's motor scooter to shop with her. also an ideal time to go for 1/2 hour of walking laps in YMCA pool - have only done once this week.

12pm - lunch - mom prepares

1pm - take a nap for 2 hours

3pm - afternoon snack courtesy of mom, let dogs out, maybe check on vegetable garden hubby and mom planted for me

3:30pm - read, chat with mom, watch a little telly, walk down driveway (a short one, mind you) to get the snail mail

4:30pm - hubby gets home, visit with hubby

5:30pm - dinner

6:30pm - relax, read, hang out, bounce on exercise ball

7:30pm - watch a little telly or a DVD

10pm - to bed, chat with hubby or read until we fall asleep

1am - pee

3:30am - pee and/or get out of bed for a little while

5:30am - pee or back to bed from being up a little while

6-7am - repeat

mother, mother

Well, after spending less than a week with my mom here, I now know where I get many of my little quirky habits. While I've spent my whole adult life trying not to be like my mother, I still can't avoid the small stuff.

Weird things - like how I like to leave lightly used paper towels all over the kitchen. If I wash my hands and dry them on a paper towel, to me the towel is still quite useable, so I leave it on the kitchen counter. This drives G. batty, and he is constantly throwing them out which then drives me batty because "someone has taken my paper towel" that I clearly want to reuse. I love the convenience of having them handy everywhere. Well, mom does that, too.

Or the tea bag thing. I hate steeping my tea bag for too long - often taking it out way before the instructions say because I like my tea lighter. I always need a little plate or bowl to put the used tea bag in and then I want to save it for the next time I have tea. This drives G. more than a little crazy, and I know it is very hard for him to resist the temptation to throw it out (he eventually does). Well, there is a tea bag in a glass bowl in the kitchen, across from that used paper towel that I know I didn't use, and I know it is mom yet again.

These things don't drive me crazy at all. They seem so normal. I just have to laugh because I've always worried about becoming my mother, and here I am doing these little things that are clearly picked up from her, but luckily have no detrimental impact on anything major - unless you count G's sanity - but I think he is adjusting.

Well, as you can guess, bun is still in the oven. Each time I think something is imminent, the next day things are "back to normal" or as close to normal can be at this stage. Of course, I woke up at 4am craving deviled eggs and by 5am I realized I had to give in and get up to make them. They were quite tasty, even at this time of the morning.

Last night, I was settling into bed and suddenly had this physical feeling of anxiety. I couldn't get a handle on the mental side of it - I wasn't having any particular thoughts about anything one way or another. It was just this physical feeling of desperation, almost fear but not quite, just an intense edginess that had no reason attached. I thought maybe it was the chocolate ice cream I had eaten a little while before bedtime - sugar and caffeine can really mess me up at night. I just felt so desperate and the feeling was so non-specific that I couldn't work through it.

I was tossing and turning and sighing and whimpering a little. Finally, I dozed off and have no idea what brought me comfort other than holding G's hand for a while. I just wanted to curl up and cry but had no real reason to do so. This morning, I feel less anxious and that is a good thing. I thought I'd be "going early" with labor, but maybe it won't happen after all. It was just this feeling that my body was going to react to the process more quickly because I'm so sensitive to anything hormonal. But here I sit, 3 days before due date, feeling like nothing in particular is happening.

NG, of course, is making big moves again. Last night, the whole belly rippled like a scene from a horror or sci-fi flick but without the blood and gore. I've read that the movements slow down at this stage of pregnancy because there is little room for baby to move around in, but at this point, NG's moves are like earthquakes. I'm finally feeling things that could definitely be feet - something that was more elusive earlier because of my anterior placenta padding my abdomen. Now, she is big and strong enough to just push a foot out so I can feel its tiny outline.

Yesterday, I was reading "The Pregnancy Book" and "The Well Pregnancy Book" to learn a little more about labor to have a better understanding of the process. Today, I am drawn to "Bountiful, Blissful, Beautiful" and "Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives." Seems my taste in books is as fickle as my taste for different foods.

Well, what else can I do but go with the flow?

and so on...

Well, I guess each day now will be different from the next, and I'm not sure what comes next.

After reflexology yesterday, I was experiencing a slew of Braxton Hicks. Throughout the night, I was feeling some strong menstrual-like cramps and did get out of bed for an hour to recline on the living room recliner but was thankfully able to go back to bed and sleep.

This morning, I was feeling Overactive Pelvis Syndrome - things stirring, contracting, twinging, pressing, tingling - a whole smorgasbord of sensations. Last night, before going to sleep, I said to G. "I really want Denny's breakfast tomorrow - I want bacon and sausage with my eggs."

As soon as I got up to pee in the morning, G. immediately said something about going to Denny's. I am now having a lot of difficulty walking but keep trying to limp and hobble through it. So even though my right hip was crooked with shooting pains across my lower back, we went to get some breakfast.

Once home, I laid down for a 2 hour nap. I just could not help myself - it was an imperitive that I sleep, and I just heard my body telling me to "Sleep Now" and obeyed.

Then it was time for my Reiki session. I had told the Reiki Master that I wanted the treatment to be a bonding experience for Noa Grace and me, to harmonize our energies and unblock any blockages. The whole session was incredibly relaxing, and I alternated between imagining myself in the womb with her, playing and laughing, and then explaining to her what was ahead for both of us.

I was using phrases like "push down with your head so everything opens up" and "go through the pathway to the flower which will open for you." I told her I would take her hand (figuratively) and guide her to where she had to go and then when she got to the end of the pathway, I would touch her head so she would know the way out.

I also suggested positioning for her - face toward my spine, not away from it - and how to tilt her head back and then tuck her chin to make her way down.

After the session, I asked the Reiki Master if she had observed or felt anything in particular or had any thoughts or suggestions for me. She said that she felt a lot of energy at my feet so she worked to ground me to the Earth. She also felt a lot of energy in my head - a lot of thinking going on - so she worked to connect me to the Universe. She said in Native culture, for childbirth, this grounding and connection is important.

She also said during labor I should imagine a flower opening - that as the baby passes down and through, the petals unfold. I told her I was already thinking in terms of a flower, that I had visualized it and even told NG about it.

Once home, we got ready for lunch (i.e. Mom was making it). G. asked if I wanted to go to the Renaissance Fair before or after he mowed the lawn after lunch. I was totally and utterly unable to say. Finally I said, "I don't think I can plan things anymore. I have to take things in the moment. I won't know until after we eat."

After lunch, he said he was going to mow. "I want to go to the fair now," I announced. The moment was there, and I knew if I waited at all, I'd be unable or unwilling to go later.

We went and walked around in a light drizzle. Walking was even more slow and painful, but I just took it step by step and knew the walk itself was very important for me.

Back home, I took another 2 hour nap. Again, it was something so urgent, something I could not resist and just went with it.

Since then, NG has been in a super active mode - she feels like she is positioning herself in just the way I had suggested. I keep telling her that other things have to happen before she can actually travel down the pathway - like a hormone exchange, the cervix opening, the contractions - but she seems to think if she just pushes and prods, kicks and punches her way around, that things will get going.

It doesn't hurt exactly to have her moving so forcefully - maybe a little at the top of the uterus - but she hasn't let up for several hours so it is getting uncomfortable. Of course, when I tell G. or my Mom to feel her move, she stops moving like she is playing a game ("Who me? Moving? Not me!")

Wiggle, tingle, punch, kick, press, push, slide, flip. It is making me have to pee several times an hour.

And so on, and so on, and so on....

P.S. Full moon tonight...