babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

got meat?

I haven't been a total vegetarian for years
but do eat mostly vegetables and grains.
My acupuncturist now thinks I should be
eating organic meats.

She says I have a blood and chi deficiency.
I've been making soups with marrow bones,
beets, kale, brocolli, cauliflower.

This is all based on Chinese medicine. I have
faith in small things - eating a little more meat
isn't too difficult to increase my blood energy.

She also has me on an iron free multivitamin
and a natural iron liquid supplement - Floradix.
We'll see how all of this plays out next time
I get pregnant.

G. and I have talked about just having fun,
not planning for anything, not making it a big
process and procedure. We need to enjoy
ourselves, our time together.

Life is too short. Make love and eat organic meat.

clarity

I am feeling clear about what I need to do.
I've given up caffeine and sugar after a
month-long binge.

My period started today - just as I predicted
it would if my body was back on track.
My body is doing what it is supposed to
do - it is just my mind that is out of whack.

So I'll focus on my body being female again,
getting ready again for another ovulation.
We won't try this time - I've already talked
to G. about it. My body needs at least one
normal and complete cycle.

But then, after that, anything goes. I'll be
happy and think healthy thoughts and have
fun when G. visits and we'll just take it
month to month, moment to moment.
No calculating other than making sure I'm
taking my herbs on the right days. No planning,
no process.

Life is too short to be so rigid and tense.
Life is too short to be afraid.

I like my mind when it is clear of caffeine
and sugar. Getting my self back.

the unbearable lightness again

this empty feeling - I think I'm filling it up with
chocolate and BBQ chips. I was thinking today
"I can't believe I've had 3 miscarriages."
It doesn't seem real. But it really happened.

We know I'm healthy. All tests point toward
nothing wrong with me. We know G. is healthy.
I was eating right (disregard the last 3 weeks
of freaky food), not drinking, taking my prenatals,
extra folic acid, baby aspirin (recommended by
my repro specialist) and then progesterone
supplements.

3 miscarriages. Triple failure. For no apparent
reason. Just the luck of the draw, as Dr. Bachus
says. Okay, keep trying is the logical answer.
But can my spirit take it? My body seems to be
bouncing back. My mind is logical as ever,
tucking away the anger and sadness into its
little compartment. My spirit is empty right now.
No creativity. No real motivation other than
obligation and responsibility.

I'm an empty little shell of a woman turning
40 and unable to carry a pregnancy to term.
Yuck.

2 steps back

Last night I had wine with dinner. And dinner consisted
of a salad with Ranch dressing, fried battered shrimp,
baked potato, and Prime Rib with horseradish sauce.
Am I insane?

Today, I've eaten Ramen noodle soup, Kashi cheese
crackers and barbeque potato chips.

This is not normal. This is not healthy. This is not good.

But I can't stop myself.

1 step forward

I exercised yesterday to Body Electric on PBS
which has got to be my favorite low impact
exercise show. Good for me.

oh my aching head

I must be holding a lot of anger inside and must
be full of raging, sinking hormones. I've had the
biggest headache for 2 weeks. Finally went to the
acupuncturist, and it helped for a while.

I actually think that the headaches are related
to sugar intake - I've gotten very sensitive to it.

My entire diet has been turned upside down. I need
to read "The Infertility Cure" to rethink my entire
diet. Maybe I'll attend an Infertility retreat, too.

This last miscarriage seems to have thrown me
out of whack more than the first two. I have so
much more to learn.

vote for me, baby

shameless plug...

please vote for me at:

Fast Company 50

I'm trying to promote the idea of a documentary
about miscarriage - that I hope to produce.

thank you!

spiritual quest

On the physical side, I continue to heal, but am
keenly aware that I'm not eating properly. In a
way, I feel like I'm "poisoning" myself. Punishment?
Depression? I need to get back on track with my
proper eating habits.

In the meanwhile, I decided to see an Ayurveda
practitioner to look into my health in an ancient
and holistic way.

My 90 minute session was interesting, to say the least.
She zeroed in on past anger that I'm keeping inside,
partly from an abortion I had in 1993, partly from my
childhood. She made a fascinating suggestion.

She recommended that I build 3 altars.

One would be my Grief altar and I should keep it outside
where the grief energy can be taken away by Mother Earth.
She suggested that I could use Apache Tears on my altar
along with anything else that symbolizes my grief for the
abortion and 3 miscarriages.

One would be my "Way to Draw Strength" altar that could
include photographs of people who I consider mentors
or from whom I draw strength.

One would be my Healing altar and that could start with
a red cloth and candle.

She said I could go to my altars with people who care
about me. The idea is to give off energy (grief) or get
energy (strength, healing) in appropriate spaces.

She also prescribed ayurvedic herbs including enemas
and douches. Yikes. She saw me cringe at the thought
of an enema. Can I really force fluids up my ass?
I guess at this point, I'm crazy enough to try anything.

The things we'll do for fertility and wellbeing.