the unbearable lightness again

this empty feeling - I think I'm filling it up with
chocolate and BBQ chips. I was thinking today
"I can't believe I've had 3 miscarriages."
It doesn't seem real. But it really happened.

We know I'm healthy. All tests point toward
nothing wrong with me. We know G. is healthy.
I was eating right (disregard the last 3 weeks
of freaky food), not drinking, taking my prenatals,
extra folic acid, baby aspirin (recommended by
my repro specialist) and then progesterone
supplements.

3 miscarriages. Triple failure. For no apparent
reason. Just the luck of the draw, as Dr. Bachus
says. Okay, keep trying is the logical answer.
But can my spirit take it? My body seems to be
bouncing back. My mind is logical as ever,
tucking away the anger and sadness into its
little compartment. My spirit is empty right now.
No creativity. No real motivation other than
obligation and responsibility.

I'm an empty little shell of a woman turning
40 and unable to carry a pregnancy to term.
Yuck.

Comments

[Soper]

Patricia (Laf) and I were talking about this the other night -- how we mark our lives now by our miscarriages. "Oh, that was right before miscarriage two." "Oh, that happened right after I lost the third baby."

The due dates for my first and third pregnancies are this month.

And you know what? I'm sad, but I'm also letting go. One little grain of pain at a time, I'm letting go. And that helps, I think. To let yourself be sad, and then to let it go. Like Pooh-sticks in the river....