Ranch Advice for Miscarrying Women

I went for a gynecological checkup yesterday because it has been over a year since my last one, not counting the exams during the last 3 lost pregnancies.

Right now, I'm in the middle of Wyoming so went to a nurse practitioner who came with rave reviews from the women in town.

She was nice enough, I guess. All I really needed
was a Pap Smear and breast exam. We talked about
my miscarriages and then she gave me The Advice.

"Ever grow up on a ranch?" she asked.

"No," I had to admit because 3 years living in Wyoming
doesn't erase 13 years in New York City where ranches
weren't really prevalent.

"Well, on the ranch, when an animal has trouble
with low birth weights or trouble with carrying,
we look at their nutrition."

Okay, so now I'm a cow.

"How much meat are you eating?"

"I try to have meat once a week," I tell her, struggling to
remember the last time I had meat to make sure I wasn't
lying. That's right, I split a rib-eye with a girlfriend earlier
in the week. See, I was right. This coming from a
woman who until she started trying to stay pregnant
was a lacto-ova vegetarian.

"You need to be having meat 3 times a day."

I almost threw up just thinking about it.

"What? How am I supposed to do that? What would I
have for breakfast?"

"Just heat up whatever you had for dinner the
night before. This morning, I had halibut."

Okay, I thought, I can do fish for breakfast - I'll just
think of it as a Japanese breakfast, that's the ticket.

She went on to tell me about DHA which you cannot
really get from supplements - it has to come from
meat to be beneficial. And that since we are meat
eating animals, we gots ta have meat.

I'm meanwhile still queasy at the thought of meat
more than once a week.

"You'll have more energy," she said.

"But I always feel sick, heavy and lethargic after I eat
red meat. I just eat it once in a while because I like
the taste," I complained.

She also recommended that I start taking acidophilous
to aid absorption of nutrients in the food I eat.

Well, the acupuncturist did tell me to eat more
organic meats and egg yolks so there must be
a correlation. All this "healthy" eating is stripping
me of baby making powers.

"They don't really have organic meats in town and
I try to eat organic," I whined.

"I just buy a side of beef," she said. Yeah, why didn't
I think of that. I'm living in my RV with a miniature
fridge and can just picture a side of beef in this
tiny space. Me and my side of beef. Have you met
my side of beef?

I'm frantic by now, dreading my next meal. But heck,
I'll try anything if they say it might help me hold onto
my next pregnancy.

So I had wild salmon for dinner ($19 - if only I could
write this off as "research"), then I skipped breakfast
today (I was busy) so had a meat calzone for lunch
and will have the other half of the calzone for dinner.

Now what will I eat tomorrow????

Comments

[The Barrenness]

Jerky.