some people's opinions...

I've been posting on a great Web forum for
journalists and mentioned about pitching
my miscarriage articles and essays. The
responses have been...interesting.

Here are just a few:

Just one problem, I've already read a million articles on women who chucked it all to ride across country, move to Europe, live in a mountain cabin, etc. Have also read a lot on the pain of miscarriages. (At 20 -- no one thought I should be hurt because I still have lots of time left, at 30 -- this was like mourning a real death and no one really go it, at 40 -- it was my last chance and I was devastated.

These are old standards not something startlingly new.

In response, I wrote:

I'd love to read some of the articles you've read - I haven't been able to find any recent articles about miscarriage in any women's mags, pregnancy mags, health mags - you name it - other than the prefunctory ''it happens, we don't know why, try again.'' But since we all think our stories are so unique, I do believe that no one has written about the topic in the various ways I've pitched. Pretty controversial stuff about the anti-female treatment women get when it comes to reproductive health, the mistaken impressions that miscarriage is the same thing as infertility, the taboo factor with miscarriage where no one will talk to you about it (until after you've had one). Also the antiquated medical information most doctors use to treat miscarriage - circa 1989. And the alternative treatments that women can turn to - that your doctor will almost never tell you about. Lots of angles way beyond ''oh, my loss is so crushing'' and delves more into ''get your insensitive, narrowminded hands out of my uterus, please.'' Lots of research, experts and opinions.

More discussion amongst the writers...

RESPONSE 1:
i know this is kinda tangential to the core of this thread, but i got a question about something in that last posting....

...since when is ''misscarriage'' equated with ''infertility''? inability to bring a pregnancy to term is not, nor have i ever heard it referred to as, the inability to conceive. THAT is infertility. if you begin a pregnancy without medical interference (drugs/in vitro/etc), whether or not you complete it successfully, certainly proves that you're fertile.

sorry. the science geek in me felt the need to put that out there.

RESPONSE 2:
I did read a story in one of the big magazines several months ago about how to help a friend who has had a miscarriage. It was nice because I think a lot of people don't know what to say. You know what might be a new angle on this would be to give examples of unique ways people grieve the loss--especially since a lot of people don't really acknowledge it as the loss of a child. A friend of mine miscarried many years ago, and she and her husband named the baby and had a beautiful plaque or something made ''In Memory of [Baby's Name]'' and put it in a special place in their home. Some people might think that's weird, but if their baby had died after birth, they would have a grave and a headstone and all that, and they wanted to have something like that to acknowledge the child had existed. It might be cool to write an article that gives people permission to grieve a miscarriage, even if other people think it's not really a baby until it's born or whatever. Just a thought.

RESPONSE 3:
An excellent cover story on grieving a miscarriage, by Peggy OrensteinL, was published in The New York Times magazine a couple years ago-- the article was about the fact that the Japanese actually have a healing ritual for it, which Orenstein learned while visiting the country.

RESPONSE 4:
you need to check out a database. miscarriage stories were all the rage a few years back which may explain the relative lack of them now.

and frankly, as a woman who's given birth, had ovarian surgery, etc., this stuff about the patronizing anti-female medical establishment is soooo over and tired. I read it all in Our Bodies, Ourselves back in the early 70s.

Most OBGyns these days are women so there's no need for anyone who takes their healthcare seriously to end up with a dinosaur doc.

As an editor when I hear your pitch, my rx is that you're stuck on the old narrative and can't register change.

Or, if I'm wrong, and OBGyns aren't way more enlightened and better than they were 30 years ago, my question is why after 30 years -- and yes, it has been 30+ years since the publication of OUr Bodies, Ourselves and the formation of all those women's health collectives --
do so may people believe that this whole new generation of women doctors still need to be told to take their '' insensitive, narrowminded hands out of my uterus?''

My responses to the above posts:

Response To #1 - try selling a book on miscarriage to publishers - and to agents. They all think miscarriage and infertility are the same thing - they've told me that to my virtual face.

Response To #2 - sounds like a great idea - about grief. I actually held a ceremony with some female friends at a rock formation and planted seeds, talked about my losses - I'm not a religious person but it was helpful.

Response To #3 - Did read Peggy's story - excellent, moving, intriguing.

Response To #4- for those of us who were little kids in the 70s, this is all new to us. And yes, 30 years later, the OBGyn's I saw were so callous, their treatment of me was harder to deal with than the miscarriage itself. I have dozens of emails from other women who experienced the same thing. Every topic is all the rage every few years - but that doesn't mean women have stopped miscarrying.

Thanks for the feedback - I've got some new ideas brewing from the mix here.

Comments

[Ashley E. Underell]

I am so glad I found your blog. I feel so alone. I am new at this "blogging" thing and figure it is the new way to reach out and touch someone. Thank you for your insights, resources and thoughtfulness to the subject of miscarriage.

I myself have just lost two babies (yes they are babies and I don't care what anyone says) in a six month span. One at 11 weeks and one at 9 1/2 weeks. I am coping and have a great "game face" for the hours in which I am at work and have to pretend that everything is "GREAT!"

I just read a wonderful book called 'Luscious Lemon' by Heather Swain. A fictional story about a women who goes through the excitement of pregnancy to a miscarriage and recovery. It has a lot more to it and it is like looking in the mirror. There are so many women out there and I feel so disconnected on this subject.

My goal is to find a network of women who share the same pain and the same goal to carry the pain proudly and honor what was and what will hopefully be again. I want to dispell societies myths that our pregnancies "aren't even babies, they are just cells!" and I want to create an awareness around how common miscarriage is. I am 31 years old and I had NO IDEA that miscarriages were so common and so awful.

I want to help. I want to connect. I want to heal. I want to grow. And I want to try again.

Ashley E. Underell

[Ashley E. Underell]

Hey!
Me again! I have been at this blogging this and CANNOT figure out how to link you to my sight???? HELP. I am not inept, or at least I didn't think I was. This is like a whole new culture. Can you help? Thanks!!!