bitter bitch

OK, my hormones must really be raging.
Too bad they are from my PERIOD again.
Of course, G. and I have not started trying
yet - and haven't been in close proximity
(there's that Alaska/Wyoming distance
thing) so I shouldn't be disappointed. But
boy is the PMS and DMS (During Menstrual
Syndrome) in full force.

How is it manifesting? Well, let's just say
every freaking mention of a baby is another
fingernail down the blackboard of my soul
I'm screaming inside.

I have one particular female friend who seems
totally oblivious to my pain. In a matter of days
she has managed to fit in all kinds of baby
discussions into our visits.

There's a baby sitting near us at the bakery.
Oh, look at that cute baby.

There's someone we run into who has
just had a new grandchild. Oh, I can't
wait to see the baby. They're coming by
here? Let's wait to see the baby.

Oh isn't that a cute baby.

Oh isn't that a cute little boy.

So and so just had a baby.

Look at that sign! It says so and so is
about to pop and they are taking bets
on the delivery date. Isn't that cute?

Baby baby blah blah blah baby
blah blah baby baby.

I am on the verge of a total meltdown.
It is taking every ounce of energy to not
scream in a shrill, psychotic voice

"I don't give a flying damn about the
baby, about any baby right now. I'm
still trying to get over the last miscarriage.
Do you not remember? I have been
miscarrying my babies!"

I wonder if I'm starting to sound like
"Miscarriage miscarriage blah blah miscarriage
blah blah miscarriage."

Hmmmm...that is very possible.

But who gives a shit? It's my misery and
grief, isn't it? I'll wallow in it if I see fit.

All I ask is that at least my friends don't
talk about babies.

Not right now.

Comments

[chris]

Sometimes I think there's a degree of passive aggressiveness in that kind of behavior. I don't know. Similar comments coming from one neighbor seem mean, from another, they register nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe I'm just turing into a paranoid, old infertile.