another day, another question mark

I wake up. I wonder "am I pregnant?" Or is this
some cruel joke that the medical community is
playing on me now because they are afraid of
the liability of telling me I'm no longer really
pregnant or just a little pregnant but even that
is going away soon. Maybe they're afraid I'll go
on a shiraz binge, then, by some miracle of
miracles, the pregnancy stays but the fetus is
drunk and damaged.

I'm pretty much bracing myself for miscarrying
sometime next week. I won't do anything drastic
at the moment - just wait for my body to give
me the signs. Right now, I feel like I've got a
little headset on that is supposed to translate my
body signals into language I can understand
and the medical community has fiddled with the
dials so I'm not understanding the things that
I understood last time around. Suddenly, nothing is
making sense.

I know I can regain the trust in my body, the
understanding of its ebbs and flows. I'll just
listen a little harder, maybe even try to meditate
(something I've always been told I should do but
have never have the patience to try except in
yoga class). If I can clear my mind, maybe my
body whispers will be heard.

My mind is looking ahead to finishing the TV
series I've been working on that has kept me
here in Wyoming, working more on my
miscarriage documentary, going to my girlfriend's
wedding in Mexico with G., driving to Alaska with
my mom and G., and settling into our new home
in Anchorage. So much to look forward to.

I don't know if I'll ever carry a baby to term.
But maybe the 5th time will be the charm.
When I'm immediately post-miscarriage, I think
that maybe emotionally, I cannot do it again.
Physically, I marvel at the strength and resiliency
that my body has after the first several weeks of
precarious healing.

Then, as the weeks pass, I remember that my
mind, heart and soul are also incredibly strong
and resilient. Then I realize that I can do it again
if I get pregnant again. And maybe it will be
different.

This pregnancy has been very different from
the other 3. Since eating lots more meat, I've
found some new inner core of strength that
must be common to meateaters but foreign to
a tofu girl like me. I have not spotted at all,
not an iota of spotting. Maybe I just didn't wait
long enough to bulk up. Maybe once I'm at sea
level and with G. and eating game meat (he is
the Great White Hunter), all the forces will be aligned
and the next time really will work.

But until then, I have to find that elusive inner
calm, accept my fate as a miscarrying woman -
just this time - and allow my body to do what it
knows how to do. And I will go along for the ride,
trying to understand snippets of my body's
language along the way, just trying to accept
without insisting that I understand.

Comments

[moogielou]

I just read your last post and now this one. Though I don't post much, you have been on my mind so much in the past several days. I even dreamt about you last night (not freaky, don't worry). I wish for you a quick, peaceful and easy journey. I wish for you no more of this wondering and waiting. And most of all, I wish happiness for you.

I'll continue to check in.

[babybaby]

it's been a while since I looked at your blog, and I know you've been on this road for a long time now.
here's to fifth time lucky! will be thinking of you.

bb