countdown to Wednesday

G. has been in town so I've been offline.
Just discovered I left my powercord for
my PowerBook in Lander and I'm in Laramie
for the rest of the week and then filming
in Denver for the miscarriage documentary.
So I'm going to have to charge it in the
car when I can.

No news. Don't feel very pregnant. Don't
feel bad in any way physically. Feeling resigned
to accepting my fate as a miscarrying woman
one more time but open to more positive
news if that will come on Wednesday.

Of course, if they do not see a heartbeat flicker
on Wednesday, then I have no idea what the
next step will be. Probably schedule a D&C.
I can't imagine they'd have me wait another
week. Not possible. Then again, this entire
experience of trying to carry a pregnancy to
term has been full of unbelievably ridiculous
events. So maybe anything is possible, and I
just have to mentally prepare for something
else outrageous.

G. had to return to Alaska so I'm going to
the sonogram alone again. Definitely not my
favorite part of this process. But as always,
I do what I have to do. What else can I do?

Comments

Since you've never carried to past 9 weeks or to term, how do you know what "pregnant feels like"? Perhaps you are not meant to be a mother. Your neurosis is obviously a hinderance and that would only be passed on to offspring.

[krissycracker]

Coming out of lurkdom to say I love reading your blog and am sending good thoughts your way.

[jbB]

Hi Aliza. I've been following your blog for a while, being another recurrent miscarrier myself. I felt I had to finally post after reading the earlier comment. I hope so much for you that it works out this time. It's a physically and emotionally tough journey, but women who have been through this know how much they will appreciate and cherish a child.
Have you come across the 'misdiagnosed miscarriage' site? It helped keep me going through the waiting game, even if it is a little unrealistically hopeful at times. Anyway, just wanted to add another voice of strength and encouragment to counter the negative.