babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

miscarriage at the mall

So it is over. #4. Finit. More details on
that in a moment.

Overall update since the last post...

Friday, April 29
Drove to Cheyenne, picked up my friend Michell
who was going to help me do the filming for
my miscarriage documentary.

We drove down to Ft. Collins where I interviewed
the first woman, Lisa. She was a great interview
to start with - articulate, in touch with her
emotions, open.

After, I had another chiro appointment with the
same woman. She did some points to help
"move things along." And she suggested that
I may want to do a liver cleanse (liver is
key in hormone control and also a toxic liver
could leave to memory loss). Hmmm...may
give that a try.

Then had an appointment with a reflexologist/reiki
practioner. She was a very airy new-agey type.
The treatment was good for the most part but
when she asked if I wanted to say something
to what was in my uterus or my uterus, I said
no. Not in that frame of mind at the moment.
Would do it privately. She moved on.

At first, her reflexology was so gentle and tentative
until I told her to be more aggressive, that it was
okay. She did so and I felt it might work after all.
She said a few other things like "Now you are at
a place where you are okay not to have children."
Not really, I thought.

She also said "Having a child would take away
your freedom."

"No it wouldn't," I said, wondering why she was
saying some of these things to me. Maybe I was
more sensitive this day but I felt her comments
were inappropriate and off base. "I picture myself
with the baby in a carrier doing everything I want
to do. I don't feel a child will take away freedom.
I think you do what you want. Maybe your priorities
might change but I can't see not being fine with
my situation if I had a child."

Went to dinner with a woman I met on the Internet.
Sushi - and sake - and salad - all the things I
could not have when pregnant. It was nice to
hang out with Michell and Kristen - female energy
at the table, smart women. But I was starting to
feel crampy and was sure the chiro and reflex
treatments were going to kick in soon.

Went to bed worrying that I'd wake up in the middle
of the night with bad cramps but slept like a log.

Saturday, April 30

Long day. Started work at 9am with interview.
Dina was cool - reminded me of me - strong,
stoic but vulnerable beneath, and I identified with
her spiritual bent. "The Divine" and "Goddess."

Another great interview. I took my Chinese herbs
and was feeling a little crampy but was glad to
be working.

2nd interview 1pm- Ashley was dynamic with intense
emotions. Such contrast to the other women - but
it all seemed like the perfect balance. Then her
husband agreed to be interviewed adding a whole
new energy to the project. Excellent.

By then, I was spotting. I verbalized how G. thought
I should do the filming this weekend even when I
said I should cancel because I knew I'd miscarry
this weekend. I was mad at him for encouraging
me to do it instead of just allowing me to hole up
in my apartment and wallow.

But during the 2nd interview, I was so grateful for
being able to keep busy and to touch base with
these amazing women who had miscarried. It was
helping me to do it.

We were running early so before interview #3
at 5pm, we decided to find a coffee shop and
ended up at a mall.

ME: I think it's starting.

MICHELL: Is it? Are you cramping?

ME: No, I think it is coming out.

I felt something twinge then drop and slide.
As we walked and walked and walked across
the parking lot to the mall entrance, it was
right there, falling out of me. I grabbed Michell's
arm and hobbled into the mall.

The bathroom was on the other side of the mall.
I hobbled, bent over, to get there. Walking, walking,
walking. There was also a siren going off in the mall.
Were they making everyone leave? I couldn't really
make sense of the siren - I was focused on the many
steps I had to take to make it to the bathroom.

Finally, got in the stall. I was sure there would be
something in the middle of the pad I was wearing.
Something, a blob, something.

But as I sat on the toilet, I could see it hanging
from me and then it slipped completely out and
into the toilet. There it was.

There it was.

I wiped away bright red blood and then stood up
and stared. Yes, there it was. Totally right there.

I was fascinated. It had a shape and color that
was not blood. It looked like...a jumbo shrimp.
Yes, exactly like a jumbo shrimp in size, shape
and color.

I stared and stared and finally opened the door
and asked Michell if she wanted to see it.
"No!" she said immediately. I wanted to take
a picture. I wanted my video camera. I wanted
to document this. Was that sick of me?

Michell offered to get my camera but then I said,
"No, I have to let it go. Just let it go."

So I looked at it one more time. Staring. There
it was. Then I flushed and it zipped away, like a
little cartoon character making its exit. Zip! Gone.

There it went.

Other than crampiness feelings, there was no
real pain, no feeling of labor, no extended
process. One minute it was in me, the next it
was out of me. Zip.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense.
Not sure if I'm conveying exactly how it was.
My mind is so drained and I am so tired now.

But there was no trauma, no procedure, nothing
intense. It was so easy. So much easier than
before. It was sad but not devastating.

Zip.

I totally believe my natural process has made
my body stronger and more capable than ever
of taking care of this natural process. I am
so strong now. Stronger than ever.

quick update

I'm waiting for my computer power cord to
be FEDEXed to me this afternoon so am running
on near empty, charging the computer in my
car for hours at a time and only getting about
10 minutes of computer time. So that said,
here is my (rushed) update.

Felt crampy last night from the acupuncture
and chiro but now feeling nothing again.

Taking: 12 pills of Calm in the Sea of Life, 3x/day
a Chinese medicine that promotes menstruation.

Trying to do reflexology myself and also doing
moxibustion (see the Alternative Healing category
for details on this)

Drinking Female Tonic tea with Raspberry leaf and
Nettle, etc. from Traditional Medicines teas. Just
an overall female reproductive tonifier.

Getting a facial this afternoon despite the continuous
snow storm outside. Hey, I don't have 4 wheel
drive for nothing! (This is not a typical miscarriage
natural remedy - this is the "pamper myself" thing
to do).

Afraid to start journaling in my new hot pink composition
notebook - I don't have lots of positive things to
say. But maybe I'll purge with negative and then
eventually get to positive.

OK, running on reserve computer power. Gotta post this.
More soon.

miscarriage #4

well, everything I suspected was confirmed today.
no growth, no heartbeat, hence no pregnancy symptoms.

I'm stopping all my "holding onto the pregnancy"
remedies and moving into the "inducing labor"
remedies - all natural.

my reproductive endocrinologist didn't even try to
schedule a D&C.

Doc: How long does it usually take?

Me: Between 3-5 days, under a week.

Doc: If it hasn't happened in 10 days, give me a call.

We talked about Jon Cohen's book "Coming to Term,"
and I explained how already the information in the
book has put my mind at ease somehow. Mind candy
for the data junkie.

I felt a swift wash of sadness and then a quiet strength
in knowing that I am healthy, in a loving relationship,
starting a new life in Alaska, happy with my career,
and amazed at my own ability to get through this
stuff and to keep on going. I have supportive friends
and family. Life is still good.

If I can keep getting pregnant, we will keep trying
after a few months of healing and rest. When I cannot
conceive easily anymore, we'll move on to other
options. I will not undergo invasive pregnancy-inducing
treatments - not my style.

Knowing that nothing is in my control is a new concept
for me that I've denied all of these years. Now I'm
feeling a sense of comfort understanding and accepting
that fact. A shift.

Went to acupuncture for my treatment, then went to a
new chiropractor who specializes in prenatal chiropractic.
She has an interesting approach. The best part of the
entire analysis session was when she gave me a
suggestion.

CHIRO: Take a look at what you've been doing
and stop doing it. It isn't working. Maybe it is time
to try something new.

ME: Okay, like what?

CHIRO: I want you to stop blogging about miscarriage
and start journaling about creating life, about carrying
to term, about having a baby.

ME: Okay, I could try that.

CHIRO: You manifest what you focus on. If you are
so focused on miscarriage, that's what you'll get.
Try focusing on life creation instead. And while you're
doing that, you may uncover fears that are deep
seated but you need to bring them to the surface.

ME: That makes sense.

She also recommended a book by Louise L. Hay
called "You Can Heal Your Life."

Hey, I'm open. Can't hurt.

So you'll see a transformation on this blog. If I cannot
write something life-affirming, I'll instead post
celebrity pregnancy watches and also post about
celebrities who have miscarried but have gone
on to have a baby. I know, I know - this sounds
shallow and ridiculous but it has been something
I've been privately obsessed about for the last
year and a half so I'm going to document it here
as my little positive (albeit superficial) hobby.

I know some of you may tune out but in between
some celeb posts, I will be drawing from my
new positive, life-creating journal - if it is
blog-worthy. I will probably be much more critical
of this kind of writing because it isn't my usual
more comfortable snarkiness.

But it is worth a shot.

In the meanwhile, I will give some updates of the
physical process of this 4th miscarriage as it happens
in order to help other women who might be going
through the same thing. Get that out of my system
and start fresh.

Oddly, I can really wrap my head around this shift.

the longest day

This day will go down in history as the longest day,
ever, in my entire life. And it has just begun.

I've entered into a zen-like space. For those of you
who are familiar with Zen Buddhism, there is a state
called "Empty Mind" - well, that's where I'm trying
to be.

Although I must admit, between weird dreams about
doctors cleaving tumors from my body and a quiet
certainty that there is no heartbeat, I'm really still
more in the non-zen state of "Monkey Mind."

I've been giving that last ditch effort to be positive
by singing a song to my uterus. For those of my
generation, you will remember the DeFranco family
led by Tony DeFranco (Tiger Beat heartthrob).
The song was called "Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat."

For those not in the know, the chorus goes like
this:

A heartbeat, it's a lovebeat,
And a lovebeat is a good vibration,
Oh, a heartbeat it's a lovebeat,
And when we meet , it's a good sensation,
Listen to my heart pound,
Listen to my love sound.

Feel it gettin' stronger,
Can't hold back any longer,
'Cause a heartbeat, it's a lovebeat,
And a lovebeat is a good vibration,
Oh a heartbeat it's a lovebeat,
And when we meet, it's a good sensation,
Listen!

If that doesn't kickstart that tiny heart,
I don't know what else will.

Trying to hold the pessimism at bay.
Empty mind, empty mind...

blog flame wars

As mistress of my own blog, I could delete the first comment to my previous post to flush out the negativity, but I won't because everyone - and I mean everyone - is entitled to their opinion.

The first poster really cracks me up. First, they are too insecure to put their name on their comment, much less an email address or web site - totally unable to claim their comment as their own. That says a lot about their credibility and integrity.

For those who actually know me, I rest assured that they know that this blog is merely my venting zone and while it can sometimes sound neurotic or angry or crazy, etc., I'm a pretty even keel and strong woman dealing with a neurosis-inducing, anger-sparking, insanity-provoking situation. Actually, any woman who has miscarried knows this to be true.

Also, as I've posted before, this blog is just a tiny sliver of a view of my life and thoughts. I post the way I do because I find it humorous and entertaining in the face of physical, emotional and spiritual pain.

Interesting about the "you haven't been pregnant for more than 9 weeks so how do you know that you don't feel the symptoms?" Well, there are enough pregnancy books out there that describe symptoms so I don't have to be a rocket scientist to know.

Anyway, thanks for the laugh! People crack me up when they are so ignorant. Really, one has to find humor in these things.

countdown to Wednesday

G. has been in town so I've been offline.
Just discovered I left my powercord for
my PowerBook in Lander and I'm in Laramie
for the rest of the week and then filming
in Denver for the miscarriage documentary.
So I'm going to have to charge it in the
car when I can.

No news. Don't feel very pregnant. Don't
feel bad in any way physically. Feeling resigned
to accepting my fate as a miscarrying woman
one more time but open to more positive
news if that will come on Wednesday.

Of course, if they do not see a heartbeat flicker
on Wednesday, then I have no idea what the
next step will be. Probably schedule a D&C.
I can't imagine they'd have me wait another
week. Not possible. Then again, this entire
experience of trying to carry a pregnancy to
term has been full of unbelievably ridiculous
events. So maybe anything is possible, and I
just have to mentally prepare for something
else outrageous.

G. had to return to Alaska so I'm going to
the sonogram alone again. Definitely not my
favorite part of this process. But as always,
I do what I have to do. What else can I do?

whole lotta nothing

no news. no real news, at least. just some
nebulous medical bullshit about not knowing
yet, not being optimistic but not being
pessimistic either. and he said he knows
how I feel, being in limbo like this. yeah, right.
no man could ever know.

the gestational sac is much bigger than the
first sonogram and visibly (to me) bigger
and different from the 2nd one Friday night.
the 2nd hospital failed to give actual dimensions
so they can't really compare.

but to me, the 2nd time I could see a white
line in the sac and this time, I could see a white
line along with a white dot and a very thin
white line outlining the yolk sac.

he pointed out the white dot which should
be the embryo. right now, there is no hearbeat.
so all we can do is wait until next Wednesday
when they schedule their sonograms to see
if they see anything more. basically, if there
is no heartbeat then, things will be looking down.

so either:

1. I will start cramping and bleeding between now
and next Wednesday which means miscarriage

or

2. Nothing will happen between now and next
Wednesday but the 3rd sonogram will show no
heartbeat which means I'll miscarry

or

3. Nothing will happen between now and next
Wednesday but the 3rd sonogram will show
a heart flicker and then I have about an 82%
chance of carrying to term.

I think that is how it goes.

Which is outrageously ridiculous how imperfect
and unknown this pregnancy thing is. It is
insane that there are women going through
this void, this frightening space of not knowing.

After the sonogram, I stopped by my acupuncturist
just to see if her husband could fit me into his
schedule for an emergency fertility session.
She has been out on maternity leave (nice to
have a fertile acupuncturist). She was back and
happened to have a single appointment available
that morning so I was able to see her and get
a treatment.

She worked on stimulating chi to the uterus.
All I know is that I started seeing vivid colors
when I closed my eyes - a hot neon magenta
pink on top of red and then a brilliant violet color.

After the treatment, I started shaking because
my extremeties were cold - everything in my
core around my abdomen was warm.

She gave me some supportive herbs and sent
me on my way.

Since then, I've been feeling spent, like my body's
fuel is being used up. So I'm lounging in bed doing
emails and readying for a nap.

Who knows. Who the hell knows?

I have no earthly idea what to think

The last poster on the previous post really got to me.
A tiny glimmer of hope seeped into my well-protected
heart and it has freaked me out. But I am grateful, too,
to hear what other women have gone through.

This has been the most ridiculous 3 days I've ever
lived through, and I think I've done it calmly and
rationally despite the complete insanity of it all.

I may be walking around with a growing fetus or
a completely dead thing. And even tomorrow brings
no guarantee that we'll know one way or another.

They don't tell you about these times in pregnancy
books, and I think that is an absolute crime. I've
leafed through the 3 pregnancy books that I have
with me, and they are utterly useless. Useless.

la la limbo land

I'm still filing these posts under pregnancy because
until its over, it ain't over. But how crazy is this?
I have no idea if this pregnancy is viable or not.
So much for being so "in tune" with my body.

I am still cramping daily - brief, very intermittent,
but each time it feels like my period is starting
right at that exact moment, and I often run to the
bathroom, reaching out to grab a maxi pad, when
I realize there is no blood there.

Recap:
Since last week, my pregnancy symptoms went away,
practically overnight. One evening I'm boasting to
G. that my boobs are getting absolutely huge and
are killing me and the next day, they have shrunken
back to near-normal size and don't hurt at all. In fact,
they did not hurt for a week.

Early on, I was feeling weird surges and some queasiness.
I have never felt really nauseaus during any pregnancy
and this one has been no exception. But there was a
tightness in my throat, a feeling in the morning that "I better
eat something" and always feeling fine after eating.
When the boobs stopped hurting and enlarging, the
little queasy tight-throated feeling disappeared entirely.

For the last 5 days, I have been entirely symptom free
other than the occasional cramp. It is as if the whole idea
that I was pregnant at all is ludicrous. The numbers bore
this out - pathetic non-doubling numbers that filled my mind
with hopelessness.

The 2 sonograms didn't help. Monday the 11th there was
a mere round black spot with nothing inside. Even the
technician concluded it was non-viable. Then on Saturday,
there was a yolk sac in the gestational sac which had
clearly changed shape and size although was closer to
5 weeks in size instead of 6 weeks in size which was
where I'm supposedly at.

The nurse told me Sunday that we could be wrong that
I'm at 6 weeks - that implantation could have happened
at anytime and she gave me a wide range of dates
(although I think it happened about 6 days after
conception ie. conception March 19, implantation
March 25).

She says we will not know anything until Wednesday,
Sonogram #3. They won't check levels again now
that we are doing sonograms. "They aren't reliable
anymore," she explains.

And now today - the tight throat queasy is back, my
boobs have started to hurt again. I'm not holding on to
any hope here - just observing. I know symptoms came
and went and came back again during previous
pregnancies that all ended in miscarriage.

It is the not knowing that is the hardest part. Everything
else is what it is, and I can accept that. My latest tactic
is to pretend I'm not pregnant but that I'm on a health
kick so am still not drinking wine and still trying to eat
meat and healthy things.

Mind games for the miscarrying woman.

another day, another question mark

I wake up. I wonder "am I pregnant?" Or is this
some cruel joke that the medical community is
playing on me now because they are afraid of
the liability of telling me I'm no longer really
pregnant or just a little pregnant but even that
is going away soon. Maybe they're afraid I'll go
on a shiraz binge, then, by some miracle of
miracles, the pregnancy stays but the fetus is
drunk and damaged.

I'm pretty much bracing myself for miscarrying
sometime next week. I won't do anything drastic
at the moment - just wait for my body to give
me the signs. Right now, I feel like I've got a
little headset on that is supposed to translate my
body signals into language I can understand
and the medical community has fiddled with the
dials so I'm not understanding the things that
I understood last time around. Suddenly, nothing is
making sense.

I know I can regain the trust in my body, the
understanding of its ebbs and flows. I'll just
listen a little harder, maybe even try to meditate
(something I've always been told I should do but
have never have the patience to try except in
yoga class). If I can clear my mind, maybe my
body whispers will be heard.

My mind is looking ahead to finishing the TV
series I've been working on that has kept me
here in Wyoming, working more on my
miscarriage documentary, going to my girlfriend's
wedding in Mexico with G., driving to Alaska with
my mom and G., and settling into our new home
in Anchorage. So much to look forward to.

I don't know if I'll ever carry a baby to term.
But maybe the 5th time will be the charm.
When I'm immediately post-miscarriage, I think
that maybe emotionally, I cannot do it again.
Physically, I marvel at the strength and resiliency
that my body has after the first several weeks of
precarious healing.

Then, as the weeks pass, I remember that my
mind, heart and soul are also incredibly strong
and resilient. Then I realize that I can do it again
if I get pregnant again. And maybe it will be
different.

This pregnancy has been very different from
the other 3. Since eating lots more meat, I've
found some new inner core of strength that
must be common to meateaters but foreign to
a tofu girl like me. I have not spotted at all,
not an iota of spotting. Maybe I just didn't wait
long enough to bulk up. Maybe once I'm at sea
level and with G. and eating game meat (he is
the Great White Hunter), all the forces will be aligned
and the next time really will work.

But until then, I have to find that elusive inner
calm, accept my fate as a miscarrying woman -
just this time - and allow my body to do what it
knows how to do. And I will go along for the ride,
trying to understand snippets of my body's
language along the way, just trying to accept
without insisting that I understand.