la la limbo land

I'm still filing these posts under pregnancy because
until its over, it ain't over. But how crazy is this?
I have no idea if this pregnancy is viable or not.
So much for being so "in tune" with my body.

I am still cramping daily - brief, very intermittent,
but each time it feels like my period is starting
right at that exact moment, and I often run to the
bathroom, reaching out to grab a maxi pad, when
I realize there is no blood there.

Recap:
Since last week, my pregnancy symptoms went away,
practically overnight. One evening I'm boasting to
G. that my boobs are getting absolutely huge and
are killing me and the next day, they have shrunken
back to near-normal size and don't hurt at all. In fact,
they did not hurt for a week.

Early on, I was feeling weird surges and some queasiness.
I have never felt really nauseaus during any pregnancy
and this one has been no exception. But there was a
tightness in my throat, a feeling in the morning that "I better
eat something" and always feeling fine after eating.
When the boobs stopped hurting and enlarging, the
little queasy tight-throated feeling disappeared entirely.

For the last 5 days, I have been entirely symptom free
other than the occasional cramp. It is as if the whole idea
that I was pregnant at all is ludicrous. The numbers bore
this out - pathetic non-doubling numbers that filled my mind
with hopelessness.

The 2 sonograms didn't help. Monday the 11th there was
a mere round black spot with nothing inside. Even the
technician concluded it was non-viable. Then on Saturday,
there was a yolk sac in the gestational sac which had
clearly changed shape and size although was closer to
5 weeks in size instead of 6 weeks in size which was
where I'm supposedly at.

The nurse told me Sunday that we could be wrong that
I'm at 6 weeks - that implantation could have happened
at anytime and she gave me a wide range of dates
(although I think it happened about 6 days after
conception ie. conception March 19, implantation
March 25).

She says we will not know anything until Wednesday,
Sonogram #3. They won't check levels again now
that we are doing sonograms. "They aren't reliable
anymore," she explains.

And now today - the tight throat queasy is back, my
boobs have started to hurt again. I'm not holding on to
any hope here - just observing. I know symptoms came
and went and came back again during previous
pregnancies that all ended in miscarriage.

It is the not knowing that is the hardest part. Everything
else is what it is, and I can accept that. My latest tactic
is to pretend I'm not pregnant but that I'm on a health
kick so am still not drinking wine and still trying to eat
meat and healthy things.

Mind games for the miscarrying woman.

Comments

[Irina]

Good luck!

[B. Mare]

God, this is awful. I am so sorry you are having to wait around like this- I hope you get good news, and soon. Thinking of you.

[Pamplemousse]

I followed Mare over here. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you should treat each day as a pregnant day until proven otherwise. Take care of yourself.

[Liz]

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I agree, the not knowing is the worst. Take care.

[kp]

I don't know you and I'm not a regular on the blogs. But I feel I have to write. I'm a repeat miscarrier, 3 in 3 years. I am now 15 weeks pregnant, unbelievably enough. My first ultrasound, supposedly at 6w1d, showed nothing but an empty black hole where the baby was supposed to be. One week later, there was a yolk sac and the tiniest little flicker of a heartbeat. The doctor had told me the same thing, maybe I miscalculated. I knew I had not.
Like you, I lost all pregnancy symptoms around 6-7 weeks. Sore boobs completely vanished! I couldn't even pummel them and make them hurt. And I had cramps ALL THE TIME. I was absolutely convinced I was going to miscarry any second. That feeling continued--despite good ultrasounds and test results--right up til 12 weeks. I still fight the fear even now. But I really just wanted to write to give you hope. I'll be thinking positive for you tomorrow.

[aliza/babyfruit]

kp - thank you so much for sharing your experience. I've been laying around and walking around the last few days thinking that there is no way I'm still pregnant...but what if I am? Life is so unpredictable, stranger things have happened. Thank you so much for postin.

[kp]

I don't know what made me look at your blog today and I hope I haven't freaked you out too much or given you false hope. I just know exactly how you feel right now, I think. When I was where you are now, I carried pads around and ran to the bathroom everytime I felt a cramp. My breasts stopped hurting on a Friday morning and I actually took the day off and holed up for the weekend just knowing that I was gonna wipe and see blood at any time. I think this pregnancy started off wobbly and rebounded. And I hope with everything I've got that's all that's happening with you, too. I just wanted you to know it's possible. I wish someone had told me that in the horrifying time between my early ultrasounds. I wish you all the best.

[fahrrad]

Dies ist ein großer Ort. Ich möchte hier noch einmal.