miscarriage #4

well, everything I suspected was confirmed today.
no growth, no heartbeat, hence no pregnancy symptoms.

I'm stopping all my "holding onto the pregnancy"
remedies and moving into the "inducing labor"
remedies - all natural.

my reproductive endocrinologist didn't even try to
schedule a D&C.

Doc: How long does it usually take?

Me: Between 3-5 days, under a week.

Doc: If it hasn't happened in 10 days, give me a call.

We talked about Jon Cohen's book "Coming to Term,"
and I explained how already the information in the
book has put my mind at ease somehow. Mind candy
for the data junkie.

I felt a swift wash of sadness and then a quiet strength
in knowing that I am healthy, in a loving relationship,
starting a new life in Alaska, happy with my career,
and amazed at my own ability to get through this
stuff and to keep on going. I have supportive friends
and family. Life is still good.

If I can keep getting pregnant, we will keep trying
after a few months of healing and rest. When I cannot
conceive easily anymore, we'll move on to other
options. I will not undergo invasive pregnancy-inducing
treatments - not my style.

Knowing that nothing is in my control is a new concept
for me that I've denied all of these years. Now I'm
feeling a sense of comfort understanding and accepting
that fact. A shift.

Went to acupuncture for my treatment, then went to a
new chiropractor who specializes in prenatal chiropractic.
She has an interesting approach. The best part of the
entire analysis session was when she gave me a
suggestion.

CHIRO: Take a look at what you've been doing
and stop doing it. It isn't working. Maybe it is time
to try something new.

ME: Okay, like what?

CHIRO: I want you to stop blogging about miscarriage
and start journaling about creating life, about carrying
to term, about having a baby.

ME: Okay, I could try that.

CHIRO: You manifest what you focus on. If you are
so focused on miscarriage, that's what you'll get.
Try focusing on life creation instead. And while you're
doing that, you may uncover fears that are deep
seated but you need to bring them to the surface.

ME: That makes sense.

She also recommended a book by Louise L. Hay
called "You Can Heal Your Life."

Hey, I'm open. Can't hurt.

So you'll see a transformation on this blog. If I cannot
write something life-affirming, I'll instead post
celebrity pregnancy watches and also post about
celebrities who have miscarried but have gone
on to have a baby. I know, I know - this sounds
shallow and ridiculous but it has been something
I've been privately obsessed about for the last
year and a half so I'm going to document it here
as my little positive (albeit superficial) hobby.

I know some of you may tune out but in between
some celeb posts, I will be drawing from my
new positive, life-creating journal - if it is
blog-worthy. I will probably be much more critical
of this kind of writing because it isn't my usual
more comfortable snarkiness.

But it is worth a shot.

In the meanwhile, I will give some updates of the
physical process of this 4th miscarriage as it happens
in order to help other women who might be going
through the same thing. Get that out of my system
and start fresh.

Oddly, I can really wrap my head around this shift.

Comments

[Heather]

I don't know what to say, so I'll sit next to you and just let you lead.

[Vanessa]

Hi there! I never posted before, even though I've been following your blog for about six months now. I am so sorry that you have again lost another pregnancy; I was so hoping for you that this was the one. Good for you for remaining positive and finding the good in every situation despite such heartbreaking circumstances. I pray that one day, God will bless you with a little one. And if not, that He will continue to bring you fulfillment within your marriage and career. Hang in there!

God, I'm sorry. I hate it.

I do have an observation and it is well-meant. The Chiro's comments:

"Take a look at what you've been doing
and stop doing it. It isn't working. Maybe it is time
to try something new".

"You manifest what you focus on. If you are
so focused on miscarriage, that's what you'll get".

I cannot fathom how she could say such a thing to someone who has just miscarried for the 4th time, as though you manifested this by blogging about miscarriage? Jesus CHrist! WTF? It makes me angry and not just for you. Are we to blame all women who miscarry for playing a causal role by 'focusing' on miscarriage? I understand that you are open-minded and considering this as a potentially valid observation, but I cannot stand the thought of how those words will make other readers suffering miscarriage feel.

I am so sorry this is happening once again and I can only wish that it happens quickly and naturally with minimal physical discomfort. I wish you success in your future endeavors as well. Please take care.

Peace and Love

Steph

[moogielou]

I feel so inadequate - I just don't have the words to express my sorrow.

Your strength is amazing and very inspiring. I will be watching your blog with an open mind and heart because I think I need the kind of change you are moving toward myself.

Much love to you

[romy]

I am so sorry this is happening to you again. I hope that you go through this with minimal pain and that it is soon over. Sending you lots of love and prayers.

[VHMPrincess]

You are an amazing woman and an inspiration. I am so sorry about the pregnancy, you seem to have a wonderful plan for moving forward.

[JJ]

It's true, you are nothing short of inspirational.

I'm sorry.

[T.]

I am so sorry. I think your attitiude is remarkable! You are a strong lady. And what you wrote about continuing to try and when you no longer can conceive easily moving on to other options and not wanting to do anything invasive because it is just not your style. Well, you could have taken the words right out of my mouth. I feel exactly the same way!

I was talking to a dear friend the other day and telling her that I am probably waiting on miscarriage #5 and she made the comment that she feels that we just need to keep trying because, in her words, "you can't win the lottery if you don't play". Now I don't play the lottery, but her point is well taken.

So, take the time to heal, take care of yourself, keep your great attitude, and then I hope you will get back on that horse, so to speak.

I will appreciate any updates you give on the actual miscarriage process as my situation is so similar to yours but seem to be just days behind you.

Fondly,
T.

[Toni]

I was so sad to read your blog today. I was hoping for better news. After working with Missing Dreams for 2 years, I know you are an inspiration to women all over the world that have gone through this same experience. Although, I do not know what it is like to experience a miscarriage, I do know what it is like to miss a much wanted child. Don't give up.

Sending lots of love your way,

Toni

[Lori]

I am so sorry Aliza...
I admire that you are open to new approaches, but really, the mere fact that you write about or fear miscarriages does not cause the miscarriage. I'm disturbed that Chiro insinuated that you are to blame for your miscarriages.
However, if you do choose to write about life affirming things and creation, please be aware that the focus can be more than on having a baby -- nature/spring/gardening/your travels/hopes for your move to Alaska ...
I'd go with the idea that you can write what you want -- it's your blog/way to vent.
take care

[aliza/babyfruit]

thanks for the comments about the chiro. very interesting take on it! when you are in the middle of it, sometimes you take it one way and when outside of it, you take it another way.

Interestingly, I did not feel blamed at all. I just thought maybe a change would do me good. I have relied on this blog and hope it has been a good resource for others as well so I don't want to give it up. But I like opening myself to new ways of thinking and acting. We are never too old to grow.

thank you so much for the posts and the support.

[Ivy]

I'm so sorry about the bad news.

BTW, have you heard of http://www.celebrity-babies.com/? It's my new guilty pleasure.

-Ivy

[chris]

I'm sorry.

[aliza/babyfruit]

can't believe someone beat me to the celebrity babies blog idea! well, of course I can - there are no original ideas. bummer.

mine will be more focused particularly on celebs who have miscarried in the past ... there, that is unique enough. for 5 minutes...

[Ivy]

Oh, definitely yours sounds different - theirs is all about what high-end baby wipes the celebs are using -- it can get kind of annoying. I think yours would be great -- if more celebrities would talk openly about their problems with conceiving and/or carrying to term, it would help a lot of women out. Instead, Julia Roberts won't say she had IVF even though she knew the sex of her babies at 9 weeks or something, and actresses pushing 50 have babies and don't come clean that they got some medical help to do it. It would reduce whatever stigma there still is if they were open about ART. Miscarriage, too -- the last taboo.

My two cents' worth.

-Ivy

[brave]

i am so sorry you have to go through this again....i agree with other comments re the chiro....while i was trying to conceive, a friend, who oddly enough did use ART to conceive and bear her twins, told me I had to "want it bad enough." how that hurt tho i didn't feel the pain until a while later....As if I didn't. As if we all don't. keep taking care.

[joby]

I have just had 2nd miscarriage and never thought in a million years that I would have problems. Thought it was just an unlucky one off. I am having some blood tests done and possibly some genetic tests done before we try again. Luckily I can get pregnancy easily, but just can't seem to hold on to them. I too have an obsession with celebrities who have had pregnancy problems and find it reassuring in a way that even people who are celeb status have the same shit to deal with. My friend who recently had a Downs baby, sent me this quote:
The river runs on. It's waters can get muddy, blocked, divided and even dammed, but it still reaches the sea.

[Leslie]

Hi, this is my first time here and I just want to say that i do know how you feel. I have suffered two miscarriages and it turned out to be for the better because the person I was with was a major doody-head. I've gone on to have a very helthy and successful pregnancy resulting in the most beautiful, sweet, smart and funny baby girl. I'm sorry to say that I am going through what would be my third miscarriage and although none of them were planned it still hurts the very pit of my soul. I just thank God for my baby and wish you all the best of luck, my prayers are with you all.

[joby]

I am going to have some tests before trying again - even if nothing comes out of them.
I don't want to embark on another pregnancy if there is something wrong, like a clotting problem for example, when there would be a 90 % chance of miscarriage.
I find it very hard to be around pregnant women who have never had any problems and think it is all so easy.

[Anne]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been reading your blog for a few months and admire your approach to dealing with what is such a difficult situation. I've read You Can Heal Your Life, and have found it a life-affirming, if sometimes a bit too 'New-Agey' for my taste, and helpful book in dealing with depression and endometriosis. I hope if you read it, that you gain something positive in the process.

Best wishes,
Anne