miscarriage at the mall

So it is over. #4. Finit. More details on
that in a moment.

Overall update since the last post...

Friday, April 29
Drove to Cheyenne, picked up my friend Michell
who was going to help me do the filming for
my miscarriage documentary.

We drove down to Ft. Collins where I interviewed
the first woman, Lisa. She was a great interview
to start with - articulate, in touch with her
emotions, open.

After, I had another chiro appointment with the
same woman. She did some points to help
"move things along." And she suggested that
I may want to do a liver cleanse (liver is
key in hormone control and also a toxic liver
could leave to memory loss). Hmmm...may
give that a try.

Then had an appointment with a reflexologist/reiki
practioner. She was a very airy new-agey type.
The treatment was good for the most part but
when she asked if I wanted to say something
to what was in my uterus or my uterus, I said
no. Not in that frame of mind at the moment.
Would do it privately. She moved on.

At first, her reflexology was so gentle and tentative
until I told her to be more aggressive, that it was
okay. She did so and I felt it might work after all.
She said a few other things like "Now you are at
a place where you are okay not to have children."
Not really, I thought.

She also said "Having a child would take away
your freedom."

"No it wouldn't," I said, wondering why she was
saying some of these things to me. Maybe I was
more sensitive this day but I felt her comments
were inappropriate and off base. "I picture myself
with the baby in a carrier doing everything I want
to do. I don't feel a child will take away freedom.
I think you do what you want. Maybe your priorities
might change but I can't see not being fine with
my situation if I had a child."

Went to dinner with a woman I met on the Internet.
Sushi - and sake - and salad - all the things I
could not have when pregnant. It was nice to
hang out with Michell and Kristen - female energy
at the table, smart women. But I was starting to
feel crampy and was sure the chiro and reflex
treatments were going to kick in soon.

Went to bed worrying that I'd wake up in the middle
of the night with bad cramps but slept like a log.

Saturday, April 30

Long day. Started work at 9am with interview.
Dina was cool - reminded me of me - strong,
stoic but vulnerable beneath, and I identified with
her spiritual bent. "The Divine" and "Goddess."

Another great interview. I took my Chinese herbs
and was feeling a little crampy but was glad to
be working.

2nd interview 1pm- Ashley was dynamic with intense
emotions. Such contrast to the other women - but
it all seemed like the perfect balance. Then her
husband agreed to be interviewed adding a whole
new energy to the project. Excellent.

By then, I was spotting. I verbalized how G. thought
I should do the filming this weekend even when I
said I should cancel because I knew I'd miscarry
this weekend. I was mad at him for encouraging
me to do it instead of just allowing me to hole up
in my apartment and wallow.

But during the 2nd interview, I was so grateful for
being able to keep busy and to touch base with
these amazing women who had miscarried. It was
helping me to do it.

We were running early so before interview #3
at 5pm, we decided to find a coffee shop and
ended up at a mall.

ME: I think it's starting.

MICHELL: Is it? Are you cramping?

ME: No, I think it is coming out.

I felt something twinge then drop and slide.
As we walked and walked and walked across
the parking lot to the mall entrance, it was
right there, falling out of me. I grabbed Michell's
arm and hobbled into the mall.

The bathroom was on the other side of the mall.
I hobbled, bent over, to get there. Walking, walking,
walking. There was also a siren going off in the mall.
Were they making everyone leave? I couldn't really
make sense of the siren - I was focused on the many
steps I had to take to make it to the bathroom.

Finally, got in the stall. I was sure there would be
something in the middle of the pad I was wearing.
Something, a blob, something.

But as I sat on the toilet, I could see it hanging
from me and then it slipped completely out and
into the toilet. There it was.

There it was.

I wiped away bright red blood and then stood up
and stared. Yes, there it was. Totally right there.

I was fascinated. It had a shape and color that
was not blood. It looked like...a jumbo shrimp.
Yes, exactly like a jumbo shrimp in size, shape
and color.

I stared and stared and finally opened the door
and asked Michell if she wanted to see it.
"No!" she said immediately. I wanted to take
a picture. I wanted my video camera. I wanted
to document this. Was that sick of me?

Michell offered to get my camera but then I said,
"No, I have to let it go. Just let it go."

So I looked at it one more time. Staring. There
it was. Then I flushed and it zipped away, like a
little cartoon character making its exit. Zip! Gone.

There it went.

Other than crampiness feelings, there was no
real pain, no feeling of labor, no extended
process. One minute it was in me, the next it
was out of me. Zip.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense.
Not sure if I'm conveying exactly how it was.
My mind is so drained and I am so tired now.

But there was no trauma, no procedure, nothing
intense. It was so easy. So much easier than
before. It was sad but not devastating.

Zip.

I totally believe my natural process has made
my body stronger and more capable than ever
of taking care of this natural process. I am
so strong now. Stronger than ever.

Comments

[chris]

You are such a strong woman. I can't wait to see the documentary.

[Danae]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you're feeling stronger than ever. You're very brave.

[moogielou]

Your post made total sense to me. My last loss had that surreal quality to it as well. Jumbo shrimp, indeed. Good description.

I didn't like hearing about the comments from the reflexologist. That would have totally bothered me too, regardless of what stage of loss I was in - before, during or after. I'm glad you spoke up and shared your truth with her.

Sigh. You really are an amazing woman.

[Donna]

I don't even know what to say. I just want you to know that your post has me sitting here in tears, and that I am thinking of you.

[Lori]

oh, Aliza, I'm so sorry. Your post made me cry.

[Emily]

Thanks for telling your story. I have had 3 m/c and could really relate to your story. Thanks again for sharing and helping me not feel so alone with this.