the longest day

This day will go down in history as the longest day,
ever, in my entire life. And it has just begun.

I've entered into a zen-like space. For those of you
who are familiar with Zen Buddhism, there is a state
called "Empty Mind" - well, that's where I'm trying
to be.

Although I must admit, between weird dreams about
doctors cleaving tumors from my body and a quiet
certainty that there is no heartbeat, I'm really still
more in the non-zen state of "Monkey Mind."

I've been giving that last ditch effort to be positive
by singing a song to my uterus. For those of my
generation, you will remember the DeFranco family
led by Tony DeFranco (Tiger Beat heartthrob).
The song was called "Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat."

For those not in the know, the chorus goes like
this:

A heartbeat, it's a lovebeat,
And a lovebeat is a good vibration,
Oh, a heartbeat it's a lovebeat,
And when we meet , it's a good sensation,
Listen to my heart pound,
Listen to my love sound.

Feel it gettin' stronger,
Can't hold back any longer,
'Cause a heartbeat, it's a lovebeat,
And a lovebeat is a good vibration,
Oh a heartbeat it's a lovebeat,
And when we meet, it's a good sensation,
Listen!

If that doesn't kickstart that tiny heart,
I don't know what else will.

Trying to hold the pessimism at bay.
Empty mind, empty mind...

Comments

[Kristinq]

Wishing you the best of luck dear. Waiting and not knowing are the worst.

[T.]

Hi,

Coming out of lurkdom to let you know I am right here with you. I am 7 weeks pregnant with an embryo measuring 6 1/2 weeks and no heartbeat. I have been following your posts with much interests because I am in a similar situation. I have not wanted to post because I have had so much bleeding and spotting that really I didn't know if I had miscarried or not. So really I was just suprised to see that there was anything in my uterus when I had an ultrasoud yesterday. My Dr wants to wait another week, do an ultrasound and then if still no heartbeat I can miscarry naturally or have a d&c. I prefer to do it naturally (this will be my 5th miscarriage in 2 years, I am 35, no kids, desperatly want just one if we can get lucky)but my Dr would not be able to test the tissue then and I really do want to have it tested so I guess I will probably do a d&c. As you can tell by my post I don't have a lot of hope for my situation. I don't mean to bring you down. I hope everything goes really well for you tomorrow. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I have felt so selfish taking so much from your posts. They have been both informational for me as well as supportive, assuring me that I am not alone in this journey.

Best wishes for tomorrow and beyond. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.

[aliza/babyfruit]

Hi T. - you can definitely get the tissue tested by getting a sterile container and collecting whatever you can from the pads and toilet. You need to discuss this with your doctor. I've been reading Jon Cohen's book "Coming to Term" and there are miscarriage clinics that encourage women to do this to empower them. I recommend that you read the book as well. I thought you needed a D&C to test but that is a misnomer. Get empowered and collect what you can when the time comes. Bleeding is one thing. Once you pass clumps of tissue, then you have something to test. Take care and good luck to you during this very difficult time. You are definitely not alone!

[aliza/babyfruit]

Hi T. - you can definitely get the tissue tested by getting a sterile container and collecting whatever you can from the pads and toilet. You need to discuss this with your doctor. I've been reading Jon Cohen's book "Coming to Term" and there are miscarriage clinics that encourage women to do this to empower them. I recommend that you read the book as well. I thought you needed a D&C to test but that is a misnomer. Get empowered and collect what you can when the time comes. Bleeding is one thing. Once you pass clumps of tissue, then you have something to test. Take care and good luck to you during this very difficult time. You are definitely not alone!

[T.]

Thanks for the advice. I will discuss that with my Doctor.

Hope everything goes well today and that you see a halthy little embryo with a strong heartbeat! Please keep us updated.

T.

[krimojo]

I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. I know it must be nerve wracking. I'm going to be checking in here like crazy today. I will be thinking of you.

[Steph]

Just checking in on you, hoping for an update...Hoping for...you know.

[Pamela]

Hi there,
I just came across your site. I am 6 weeks and 4 days into my first pregnancy. I only found out last Friday that I was indeed pregnant and we were so delighted!! Had an almost constant pain in my lower right abdomen and back ache and on Wednesday night out of no where I had a small bleed.
I had a scan the day before which showed a perfectly healthy egg and yolk sac and then I had another scan on Friday which showed the egg to be elongating and no real yolk sac, the doc said things were not looking good and that there was only a 50/50 chance of a viable pregnancy (she thought there was a slight trace of something which may or may not be a yolk sac, no sign of any embrio yet).
On getting home from the doctors I cried and cried now I'm trying to come to terms with the situation, the doctor says that by Wednesday and my 7 week scan we should pretty much know whether things will continue or not.
Thank you for your blog, I have been searching for others who are going through the same thing.