whole lotta nothing

no news. no real news, at least. just some
nebulous medical bullshit about not knowing
yet, not being optimistic but not being
pessimistic either. and he said he knows
how I feel, being in limbo like this. yeah, right.
no man could ever know.

the gestational sac is much bigger than the
first sonogram and visibly (to me) bigger
and different from the 2nd one Friday night.
the 2nd hospital failed to give actual dimensions
so they can't really compare.

but to me, the 2nd time I could see a white
line in the sac and this time, I could see a white
line along with a white dot and a very thin
white line outlining the yolk sac.

he pointed out the white dot which should
be the embryo. right now, there is no hearbeat.
so all we can do is wait until next Wednesday
when they schedule their sonograms to see
if they see anything more. basically, if there
is no heartbeat then, things will be looking down.

so either:

1. I will start cramping and bleeding between now
and next Wednesday which means miscarriage

or

2. Nothing will happen between now and next
Wednesday but the 3rd sonogram will show no
heartbeat which means I'll miscarry

or

3. Nothing will happen between now and next
Wednesday but the 3rd sonogram will show
a heart flicker and then I have about an 82%
chance of carrying to term.

I think that is how it goes.

Which is outrageously ridiculous how imperfect
and unknown this pregnancy thing is. It is
insane that there are women going through
this void, this frightening space of not knowing.

After the sonogram, I stopped by my acupuncturist
just to see if her husband could fit me into his
schedule for an emergency fertility session.
She has been out on maternity leave (nice to
have a fertile acupuncturist). She was back and
happened to have a single appointment available
that morning so I was able to see her and get
a treatment.

She worked on stimulating chi to the uterus.
All I know is that I started seeing vivid colors
when I closed my eyes - a hot neon magenta
pink on top of red and then a brilliant violet color.

After the treatment, I started shaking because
my extremeties were cold - everything in my
core around my abdomen was warm.

She gave me some supportive herbs and sent
me on my way.

Since then, I've been feeling spent, like my body's
fuel is being used up. So I'm lounging in bed doing
emails and readying for a nap.

Who knows. Who the hell knows?

Comments

[moogielou]

I'm frustrated right along with you. I'm so sorry you were not able to get any real answers today.

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

[romy]

I am so sorry that it is taking such a long time for you to know if this pg is viable or not. praying for you.

[Caroline]

Just wanted to let you know that I am sending lots of positive energy your way. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I think that it is amazing that you are being so proactive and listening to your body so closely. I am enjoying reading about your acupuncture treatments ~ it is interesting comparing them to my experience. Once again - sending positive chi your way!

[Kristin]

Aliza...hoping and praying that your little one is just a slow starter. I've heard of it happening and I even know someone who started the way you did and has a healhty kiddo now. But, don't think I'm trying to offer false reassurances or anything like that. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and hopingit all turns out ok.

[Betsy]

Sending baby dancing vibes to you and eat some red meat...i know, but it will help your energy!

[chris]

Isn't is strange that doctors don't know more, that they can't tell us more? I hate this. I'm sorry you're going through this. And I'm hoping you get wonderful news soon.