babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

spilled milk

Yes, I'm still losing my shit at least once a day. I know my positive posts sound so peachy and it is good to project this positive attitude, but the reality is that I'm still struggling so much. The latest is with accidentally spilling breast milk as I'm pouring from the pump bottle into a storage bag.

I've spilled milk 3 times. The first was about 1/2 ounce, the second time, a little more. This last time, yesterday, I was reaching for the bottle from my latest pump session - almost 2 ounces - and knocked the bottle off the counter and onto the floor.

How can I describe the devastation I felt? The utter sense of loss and hopelessness? I burst into tears and ran to our bedroom with G. trying to comfort me and saying kind and supportive things to me that I just could not hear through the loud inner voice inside screaming "You are such a fucking idiot! You are such a fucking failure! You keep screwing everything up! You are a loser!"

I know this sounds freaking weird but I was truly grieving the spilled breast milk. I felt as if someone I loved had died. G. had wiped it up for me - I couldn't even do that. All I kept thinking was "This is one less breast milk meal for NG. I thought I would have enough. Now I won't."

A little later, G. went to the fridge and pulled out 2 baggies of breast milk that I did not realize were there so NG had another B-milk meal. Then he reminded me that I had about half a dozen bags of B-milk in the freezer. I had forgotten.

OK, I'll get through this spilled milk episode. I'll get through this feeling of loss and failure.

On a positive note - because dammit, I won't survive without a positive note: The last 3 days, I have managed to go from 6-7 formula meals and 1 full breast milk meal per day to 3-4 breast milk meals and 3-4 formula meals.

NG is clearly less gassy and burpy with breast milk, even though it isn't even coming straight from the breast. It just seems to do better in her belly. The proof is there each day that I'm able to give her more breast milk. The proof is there.

Tomorrow morning, I have an appointment with a naturopath who will look at this nursing strike from a holistic point of view. I can look forward to that.

milk machine

I wish I could say I was producing massive quantities of milk, but not yet. Still, I've seen an increase from 1 oz per session (both breasts combined) to almost 3 oz now per session.

NG still won't take the breast straight up - just through the nipple shield and only with the extra dose of b-milk fed through the finger feeder tube directly into the shield. At least she is at the breast and stimulating the nipple. Closer, closer.

We did another essential orange oil bath "to take away fear" as the naturopath explained to me. I have an official appointment with her Tuesday evening to look at this nursing strike holistically. In the bath last night, NG didn't scream when placed by the breast - and she even licked and opened her mouth onto it briefly, then looked at G. and me with a little smile. No screaming - miracle. But alas, she would not latch on. Such a tease. Closer, closer.

I've gotten G.'s permission to post the following photo online since no real breast was fully revealed (not quite at least) in the making of this picture, and it is for a good cause (to hopefully help others). Basically, it is my sports bra/pump flange contraption and also NG nursing with the nipple shield and finger feeder arrangement. The makeshift pump bra, of course, is not hooked up as I'm feeding her, but it is at the ready for the next hands free pump session. Yay for hands free pumping! NOTE: For those who haven't seen pumping equipment before, bottles are not attached to the flanges in this photo in case you are wondering where the milk is supposed to go during pumping.

Thanks to several babyfruiters' comments for the sports bra hands free pump aparatus idea - it works pretty well but is a little too tight so it is making my nipples white after suctioning sessions. Will need to find a larger sports bra. I alternate between hand holding the bottles and the hands free deal.

We're still exhausted, frazzled, on edge but trying to make it through each day. Some days are actually good days now. Or at least not bad days.

wee little update

While NG is asleep in the sling on my lap, I have 2 hands to type so will do a quick update.

Breasts

Left nipple - still open sore but healing much faster than before.

Both nipples/areolas tender from the pump - I tried the smaller flange but yowza, it tugs too hard.

Right breast - The Bigger One, doing fine, thank you very much.

NG's Checkup

Baby is almost 8 lbs. - exactly 7 lbs 15.6 oz on the pediatrician scale and 7 lbs 14.1 oz on the lactation consultant's scale. Either way, she's chubbing up.

The rest of her checkup was stellar. We are so proud.

The pediatrician told me that older first time mothers tend to have a rougher time both adjusting to the change in life of having a baby and physically doing all the things that a, say, 20 year old can do. Like lactate. Or heal quickly. I felt some semblance of relief knowing that this whole first month wasn't plain ignorance or incompetence but was AGE. I am old, therefore my mothering sucks. OK, I'm kidding. I'm just old.

My Lactation Checkup

I love my lactation consultant, really. She is so no-nonsense, puts up with my rambling and always sends me home with a plan.

The latest, she was a bit shocked to find out that I was single pumping i.e. one breast at a time.

"I thought you were double pumping!"

"No, you told me to pump with one hand and massage my breast with the other."

"You should be double pumping by now!"

I couldn't be mad at her for letting me single pump for all this time. She has been saving my breasts and my life with her advice. All I kept thinking was "Yeah, double pump. That's the ticket!"

Lactation Checkup Continued: The New Plan

As per Jen, the LC, it is okay to use the nipple shield right now - and she gave me the 20mm one and the fit was perfect. She said that in a few weeks, she would not be surprised if NG left the shield behind and went straight for the real thing.

She also wants me to ease off the finger feeding and do the supplementing THROUGH the nipple shield. This is a variation of the SNS feeder that didn't really work for me. I'll put the finger feeder bottle between my breasts (held up by my absolutely can't live without it favorite Nursing Tank Bra from Walmart.com - $11.96) and thread the tiny tube beneath the nipple shield so it is between the shield and my skin with the tube resting in the fake nipple so NG can suck the supplemental formula or breast milk along with the real nipple.

And with the double pumping, she expects my milk production to really increase. Therefore, I should be setting a goal to do way more breast milk supplemental feeds than formula feeds. Right now, we are averaging about 6-7 formula feeds a day and 1-2 breast milk feeds. Today, I will work to chip away at that formula number and soon reverse the trend. I love goals. I am so damn goal oriented (obsessive workaholic perfectionist overachiever - same thing). This is what keeps me going.

The Reality

It is hard to do anything with a baby in your arms. And it is hard to put the baby down to do anything because she starts to cry and cry and cry and eventually you are afraid her head will explode or even just pop off her neck so you have to pick her up again. And get nothing done.

I have pumped at 8:30am and have an hour before the next pump. Every 2 hours will really get the milk flowing but check in with me at 10:30am and see if I'm sitting with two pumps on my boobs.

NG will have to eat soon. She is still sleeping in the sling (New Native Carriers rule! Note to self: Buy stock in this company if it ever goes public. Or at least send them a mushy email letting them know their sling is saving your life.)

But will I have the energy/strength/patience/wherewithall to set up the finger feeder between my boobs and get the tube under the nipple shield that has to be carefully stretched and placed over the areola and nipple to get a little bit of suction and then position NG wrapped around my body to get her to latch on properly without a) knocking the nipple shield off with her nose; b) yanking the nipple shield off with her surprisingly nimble little fingers; c) grabbing just the fake nipple in her mouth and messing up the whole process; or d) all of the above.

I may resort back to the plain and simple finger feeder but will be using breast milk this feeding and hopefully several more feedings today. As long as I keep double pumping at this rate (first pump of day was 2 oz on left breast and 3/4 oz on right breast - almost 3 oz in one pump session!!), then I'll be able to at least do 50% breast milk and 50% formula today. A milestone!

Things You Do

New motherhood makes you do the strangest things. Like...

1. Sitting on the crapper with a baby strapped to your body in a sling. Hey, you've got to poop, too.

2. Smelling your baby's butt (okay, to check the diaper, but still - when did you ever smell a baby's butt when you were single or without a baby of your own?)

3. Rubbing breast milk on everything - on your nipples, on baby's baby acne, on anything that looks like a sore or open wound or abrasion or skin irritation - because you read somewhere that breast milk can heal everything.

4. Sitting in the living room with flanges and bottles held to your breasts. I even have my own "nursing station" with a rocker glider, small table with assorted accoutrements, water bottle and magazine rack. Next step: Cutting slits in an old sports bra and putting the flanges through it for a makeshift version of a pumping bra to go hands free.

5. Leaving the house without taking a shower. Wearing the clothes you slept in last night. Covered with baby spit up, formula and spilled breast milk. With unkempt, dirty hair. Stinking to high heaven. And realizing that this is motherhood. This, my dear friends, is MOTHERHOOD.

Gratitude

Thank you to everyone who is commenting and emailing me with their tales of b-feeding woes. Not that I wish this misery on anyone but thank God we are not alone in our misery.

The Latest Greatest

It is sometimes hard to convey all the details of what we are going through properly when blogging - I try to get across the gist of things and also try to reveal everything I can but still some things get lost in the translation.

In terms of feeding, I've been supplementing with formula for weeks now - since NG was not getting to her birth weight as we approached the 2 week mark and since my breasts were painful and milk diminishing because of the breast woes, I started her on formula per my lactation consultant's advice. We're using Earth's Best organic which costs about $3-4 more than regular formula so not a big deal.

So I am formula feeding. As my breasts got worse and the breastfeeding became unbearable, I went from breastfeeding almost every meal to half and half and then suddenly to mostly formula.

At this point, I've been feeding her about 16 oz of formula a day and about 4-5 oz expressed breast milk - about all I can get from my breasts after 5-6 pumpings per day (I know, still pretty pathetic but better than 2-3 oz a week ago and yes, I am trying to up my pumping action).

The thing we are not doing is using a bottle - we are finger feeding her with a Hazelbaker Finger Feeder which means she sucks on our finger with a small tube that drips formula into her mouth - taking much longer than a bottle. She LOVES the "magic finger."

She also doesn't really like a pacifier and prefers the finger so I'm always calling out when I hear her cry "Give her the finger! Giver her the finger!"

Anyway, after 3 weeks breastfeeding with infected open wounds and pain, we moved to almost exclusively formula to let my breasts heal and then once they did (a little over a week ago), NG started rejecting the breast. So for about 9 days or so she was totally being fed by finger feeder - usually 1 feeding with the breast milk at night and the rest of the feedings with formula.

Then I got wise and realized that since she digests breast milk so much more quickly and efficiently, it is better to give formula at night and THEN the breast milk in the morning. That way, she sleeps more soundly at night. I'm up 2x a night feeding her.

The Great News

Well, even though the nipple shield I bought is too small and it has already cut up my left nipple again (but I am hoping I will heal more quickly if I keep stress down, get more rest and continue my supplements and acupuncture) - she breastfed 3x today on the right breast WITH the shield for almost 20 minutes each time!

I even brought her to bed when I was going to nap and offered her the nipple shielded breast while lying down and she fed and then napped next to me.

So this was all a miraculous day because of these small accomplishments. Big accomplishments.

She still will not get near the naked breast. She wants the shield. So I have to get the correct size ASAP to make sure the right nipple doesn't get cut up as well. The pain in the left breast is minimal - I think because there is no infection. Must keep it that way.

Best Laid Plans & Surprises

So...did we do the day long kangaroo care yesterday as planned? Well, no, but we did start the day yesterday doing just that. NG and I slept skin-to-skin for two hours in the morning after G. went to work. It was peaceful, and I was feeling so good about it when we both woke up. I did some gentle directing to the breast, nothing forceful.

Then NG began screaming. The only way to calm her was to first hide the breasts. The rest of the morning was a blur of fingerfeeding, diaper changing, casual breast offerings, and unconsolable screaming. Finally, I hit a wall and couldn't stop crying. I gave in and called G. at work, leaving a message on his voice mail begging him to come home.

All he had to do was to hear the tone of my voice, he said later, and he instantly felt a "bolt of lightening" run through him and he had trouble dialing our home number to reach me because of his concern. He finally got through and said he was on his way. I felt instant relief knowing he would be home soon to help.

When he arrived, things weren't as frantic as before but he could tell I was totally spent and instantly took over and relieved me from mommy duties. I was able to pump and take a nap. He truly saved the day.

In the evening, we tried the whole naturopathic approach to the Nursing Strike and I said out loud that I knew it was not a miracle cure and that I wasn't going to get my hopes up. G. was already skeptical about the whole thing but was willing to give anything a try if he thought it would help me.

Arnica, Rescue Remedy, and Orange essential oil in the bath. We did it all. We even lit candles in the bathroom. It was mostly soothing and calming (getting the Arnica into her little mouth was a challenge). And then later, we did a casual breastfeeding try. And she fussed but was just a hair shy of screaming. She did not take the breast.

And then today...

This part of the story is excerpted from an email I sent to my lactation consultant.

Basically, this morning, I tried nursing NG with the nipple shield that the original lacatation consultant had given me in the hospital on Day 2.

I had used it in the hospital a few times but it kept slipping and causing little cuts in the nipple (that is where the nipple sores began). NG latched on immediately and started sucking. I was able to breast feed for a little while on both breasts but the shield kept slipping as usual and G. suggested it might be too big.

We went to a local pharmacy today and were able to get a 16mm - extra small - which was the only smaller size they had in stock. They will get the 20mm - small - around Jan 31. I bought the 16mm, and we tried it out this afternoon. NG nursed on both breasts - for 20 minutes each. G. was thrilled for us but the shield was causing me discomfort, and I was so worried about starting the pain cycle again. But NG was nursing eagerly with the shield although she did refuse the breast directly several times but when I put the shield back, on she went to town.

Then, for the first time, this evening I was able to pump 1 oz from each breast - I'm sure it is from her stimulating the breasts earlier. The most I've been able to get usually is 1 oz off one breast and 1/4th or 1/2 on the other but the norm has been 1/4th to 1/2 on each breast. So this is progress on the milk production side, too. I've been doing the acupuncture for pain relief and production and then taking the evening primrose, lecithin and Lactate Support with blessed thistle, fenugreek, fennel, red raspberry leaf and marshmallow root. Also - Vitex (Chasteberry). I have had viturally no more redness and very little hardness since starting up the herbs and supplements.

The new "issue" is that after nursing NG with the nipple shield, my nipples and areolas burned and burned for hours - as if I was allergic either to her saliva or to the silicone. My acupuncturist had said to use a mild mixture of sweet almond oil and lavender essential oil to clean my nipples after each feeding - it is a natural antibacterial. That helped a little but just using warm water on a cotton ball also seemed to help.

My hormones are raging so my mood swings are just awful. But through that haze, I do feel some hope. Now I think I need something for these hormones so I can get through all of this.

And Then...

What I didn't detail to my lactation consultant was the latest meltdown that I had today - even after the successful nipple shield feeding. I was going to lay down for a nap and suggested to G. that he put NG down with me for some skin-to-skin because she had been so fussy for a while.

Well, I couldn't calm her, not matter what I tried. I even told her that if she took the breast for just a little while, it would be comforting to her and maybe even help her with the gas that we suspected was disturbing her. But the breast made her scream even more loudly.

Then I snapped. I could not take another moment of any of it. As I got up to bring her back out to the living room to G., I noticed he had set a dirty diaper on top of the diaper pail. That just sent me completely over the edge (you know what they say about straws and camels' backs). I came out of the room on a rampage and bitched at him for the diaper.

He retorted that it was not a big deal and I flew off the rest of the handle. Finally, I placed NG down on the sofa and shouted "You take care of her! You take her!" Then I ran back into the bedroom, slammed the door and got under the covers. G. followed me and I literally pulled the covers over my head screaming for him to leave me alone over and over. He tried to calm me. I was entirely freaking out. Intellectually, I knew this. But there was nothing within me that could stop the madness.

G. went to get NG and then came back to the room and quietly talked to me to get me to calm down. In my mind, all I could think of was "I want a refund. What the hell do you mean that you don't allow returns? What kind of return policy is this?" I could hear myself saying to G. "I don't want her anymore." I know this sounds horrible - I knew it was horrible then - but it just kept spewing out of me. I did, of course, say in my next breath "She is cute and really smart..." but I just didn't want to deal with her anymore. I felt like I wanted my old life back. It was a good life. There was nothing wrong with that life.

Without missing a beat, G. had a soothing thing to say in reply to each of my insane rantings. I finally calmed down and we were able to just talk things out. I apologized to him - something that doesn't ever seem to come easily to me but I knew it was essential to get past this latest tirade. And I meant it from the bottom of my heart. He is such a good man. I am a crazy woman.

What Next?

On Monday, I will see my acupuncturist again - more for milk production than pain relief now. Then later in the day, I will see my therapist (who I have not seen since before NG's birth). I think this is an important step in dealing with these hormonal emotion explosion. In the meanwhile, G. and I will continue to help each other out and care for our precious little girl. He has reiterated to me again and again that if I feel any desperation at all, to call for his help immediately - that he will be right here for me and for NG.

I know that is true. And I won't be afraid to ask.

New Tactics, New Day

Many many many thanks for the comments and all of your perspectives. I sit here in the dark living room with a pump flange on my breast, the bottle balanced between my legs and hunched over so I can type this post.

I wish I could  respond to every single comment or to email each of you personally and give you a virtual hug. But bar that, I say Thank You once again.

Had some good/interesting advice earlier today. We will see where it leads. Here is what happened...

Went to prenatal chiropractor for some post partum work and also a post partum massage. The massage therapist who I had seen throughout my pregnancy was awesome - setting NG up in a massage pregnancy mat, keeping an eye on her and when she fussed, picking her up to comfort her while giving me a one-handed massage until NG calmed down. Finally, she laid NG down literally between my legs as I lay on my stomach on the massage table.

Then she suggested that I try feeding her on the massage table from a side lying position or at least doing some skin to skin before I got dressed. She helped me position - and immediately gave me some helpful tips like "do not prop her head with your arm as you lay beside her." NG didn't latch on but she nuzzled my breast, licked the nipple, and then dozed next to me with my breast as her pillow. So peaceful.

When I got to the office lobby, my chiropractor said that the naturopath she was going to call to ask what to do for me happened to stop by the office while I was getting my massage. First, the naturopath said that she felt NG was definitely reacting to trauma - the trauma she experienced along with me as I went through all the breast pain, infections, etc. Here is what she recommended - I will try this tomorrow evening.

1. 200 ch Arnica - for NG (A homeopathic remedy - I am going to call to verify this is correct. I have read it can be used for breast pain during breastfeeding but not for an infant. Will double check this one.)
2. Rescue Remedy - also for NG although I bet I could use some of that, too (Bach floral essence - for calming)
3. Take a warm bath with NG using a citrus essential oil such as orange. While in the bath, talk to her about what we have been through and what I hope we can do to make this breastfeeding thing work. Explain that I am no longer in pain, that I understand her feelings and that it will all be okay.

OK, the last part sounds a little hokey but just like I finally got the courage up to speak to NG while she was still in the womb, I know this cannot hurt.

Having a professional acknowledge the trauma I know NG has been going through and then give me some concrete, gentle remedies just made my day.

Until tomorrow evening, NG and I will stay in bed all day, lounging around half nekkid, doing the old kangaroo care. It will be a lovely lovely day.

(BTW, to those who suggested watching what I eat/drink and soaps/lotions/perfumes, etc. - two things:

1. she breastfed without aversions for first three weeks, even through my pain and my crying, gritting my teeth, and pulling her away from the nipple when in excruiciating pain. I have not had anything new/different to eat. I also don't really like garlic or onions and haven't had anything too strong like Thai food since giving birth. But she sure did like it when I was pregnant!

2. I don't wear perfumes, the lotion I use - never on the nipple - is the same I have used since I was in the hospital - an all natural, food grade organic hand mixed lavender and white yarrow lotion. I don't wear perfume. My deoderant is the same I've used for years - Kiss My Face lavendar. I know her aversion is emotional and not physical but these things were all good to think about just to make sure.)

I Want to Be Sedated

OK, for those of you who don't know it, the title for this post is the name of a song by the seminal punk rock band The Ramones. I'm not actually saying I want to be on drugs because with this lack of sleep, I already feel like I am on drugs.

But what I do want is some relief from this rejection. The Nursing Strike (or Boob Rejection as I like to call it) is going into its 5th or 6th day (so sue me if I have my dates wrong - minutes blend into hours, hours into days, days into one another).

Negotiations have been under way but both sides remain stubborn. On the Mommy side, she has been trying to "coax" and "seduce" the Baby back to the breast but 95% of the time, the Baby is tight lipped and bursts out into hysterical crying if pushed too hard.

Baby pulls the "Oh My God, it is the BREAST BEAST!" card - eyes wide with alarm, mouth flung open letting out shrieks of terror, red and pinched face in an expression of both fear and disgust. The Mommy feels the pain of rejection over and over again, inducing tears which the Mommy must swallow back and replace with a fake calm and happy face.

The Mommy has pulled out a new tactic, one that may reinvigorate negotiations that are currently at a standstill. She is making happy, funny faces and sounds each time the Baby is even remotely near the Boob. It is a game! It is fun! Breast is best! Look at that happy Booby!

The Baby is confused. Happy Booby? Wasn't it just last week that the Breast was a tense and awful experience? What is all this laughter and goo goo eyes even when I barely touch my lips to that scary nipple? What does it mean? I'm so confused I'm going cross eyed.

Three days ago, there was a nearly 5 minute latch and all hopes rested on those calm and peaceful moments. Then back to the fighting, kicking, screaming and punching (the Baby, not the Mommy, of course). Two days ago, out of the blue - a 9 minute latch and just as the negotiators breathed a big sigh of relief, the Baby decided the terms were not to her liking and pitched a fit.

If I didn't play this like a game, I would truly be in the deepest pit of self pity, wallowing until I had no more energy. And then I would drown. I try to cry when she cannot see or hear me which is difficult because I'm with her nearly 24/7 and all I want to do is cry.

But instead, I put on the happy face and try to exude the Mellow Mama vibe. At this point, the Lactation Consultant's assistant is saying things like "You did the best you could" as if I'm ready to give up. "I haven't given up!" I had to say with conviction to get her to shift gears and be more encouraging.

Even G. is telling me all these stories about people who were formula fed and came out okay and women who have had trouble breastfeeding and now bottle feed. I finally told him I don't need to hear about those things right now. I need to hear "You can do it!" and "She'll latch on soon - don't worry!"

On a Happy Happy Note: At about a month since birth, NG is up to her birth weight and beyond. G. thought she'd be 7 lbs 3 oz and I guessed 7 lbs 4 oz. Well, drum roll please.......she is 7 lbs. 6.6 oz.

Despite what I think of formula feeding, it is certainly fattening her up. Her little face is filling out, her limbs are less scrawny and she is starting to fit into her clothes. G. says that I should focus on the fact that her weight is up and she is healthy.

I know, I know I should. But all I keep thinking of is how she is rejecting me and my breasts. Well, back to the negotiations.

false alarm

hope? who said I was feeling hopeful?

what a difference a few hours can make.

I am wondering - what hurts more? Nipple and breast pain or heartache? I can't decide.

I know it took 2 weeks of stressful, painful, upsetting breast feedings for NG to turn away from the breast. So maybe it will take 2 weeks of non-stressful, non-painful and relaxing attempts at breast feeding for NG to come back to the breast.

Until then, all it takes is the sight of a boob for her to lose her little shit, screaming and crying and flailing (even when swaddled). She is clearly hating the boob right now, even when I dribble milk into her mouth, speak to her soothingly, rock, sing softly, give her gentle encouraging words and even when the milk flows into her mouth.

She just seems to gag and push away, milk spilling down her cheek and chin, angry with the world for shoving a breast in her face.

If this is a love/hate relationship, she is definitely feeling the hate right now.

And I try to find my inner calm sweet mommy and not get discouraged or feel rejected or worse yet - that I caused all of this and should have read something more/asked something sooner/known something to make it better faster.

I just keep having these sudden crying jags, not knowing what else I can do and trying to remind myself that it takes time. It takes time.

Free at Last

The last of our guests are gone!

I will stay in bed all weekend.

After reading the info about maintaining milk supply at:

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/maintainsupply-pump.html

I freaked out because I misread it and thought I was past the point of being able to recover my lost milk supply. I started freaking when it said by now my milk supply should be around 27 ounces per day.

Mine is at 3-4 ounces per day (barely an ounce per pumping session - and that is after pumping BOTH breasts).

I felt hopeless, helpless, horrible.

Now, even though my situation SOUNDS hopeless, I'm determined to get this milk flowing by the gallon.

Having the house to ourselves will make all the difference in the world.

It is pouring rain outside - it has been pouring all day and will all weekend long. That should be my metaphor for this time - POURING. Bring on the milk!

PS - After 4 consecutive acupuncture sessions, I can say that my breasts are pain free and the nipples - in this short time - are suddenly healing. Being without constant pain is my miracle today.

PPS - My Lactation Consultant a week ago said that I was at a crossroads and could go either way but my blinker was on to make a right turn. Of course, the rest of that week took me completely off course. But now, I think I'm turning that right corner. Having a bit of hope is such a relief.

B 2 B Issues

Where to begin?

The Good News: Acupuncture really does work. I've been getting treatments every weekday since Friday and that burning, stinging, stabbing, red-hot poker pain searing through my nipples is virtually gone or at least has gone from a 10 pain to a 4-5 pain. The Monday treatment was the first day where I had actual consecutive moments without pain - starting while I was still lying on the treatment table and lasting into the afternoon. NG's latch is still excellent, and I even had several virtually pain-free latches - huge sighs and tears of relief each time.

The Bad News: B 2 B issues = Baby to Breast Issues... NG refuses to breastfeed now even though latches are great, and I'm no longer wincing, gritting my teeth or crying out in pain. The breast does not give her the nearly instant gratification that finger feeding does. I have not and will not offer a bottle - God knows we don't need any further confusion or frustration here - but just the ease of eating off the finger feeder has spoiled her in the last few days so that the breast is no longer an attractive option to her.

She latches on for a few seconds, does a nice suck or two, then scrunches her face up in frustration and pushes away from the breast. If I hold her head firmly in place so she cannot pop off the breast, she begins to cry and scream and suddenly, the barely healed nipple wounds are in danger of being reopened by her angry little mouth.

The Other News: My LC said to get myself into bed and stay there - doing nothing but sleeping, feeding baby and pumping. All nice in theory. I even put my foot down and told everyone in our house that I was going to stay in bed all day. G. agreed to wait on me hand and foot like the wonderful husband that he is.

But the reality is things kept bringing me out of bed because nobody really has time to wait on me. G.'s daughter is still here so G. took her shopping most of the afternoon. Mom was busy finishing up some cooking and cleaning and packing, etc. - so I found myself having to get up to get NG's food prepared, get up to grab a bite to eat, and eventually get up and get ready for my next acupuncture appointment and then never got back to the bed rest after that.

When all was said and done, by the evening, I had only pumped 2x instead of the 6x the LC recommended. I had only slept an extra 1 hour instead of the several extra hours I had been anticipating. This whole Bed Rest thing seems like an impossible fantasy. I will try it again tomorrow but Mom has left, G. has an important meeting in the morning and his daughter isn't really equipped to help out that much and he'll need to spend time with her again during the afternoon/evening.

A Little More Good News...At Least In My Mind: My acupuncturist today asked "Do you like beer?" Does a baby like breast milk? OK, everyone else's baby but my own seems to like breast milk but you know what I mean. She suggested - like many other people have - that I should treat myself to a nice hoppy beer. It is really the hops that supposedly helps enhance breast milk production. But after everything I have been through, a nice cold one sounded like ambrosia.

So after my appt., I headed to the Moose's Tooth brewery and asked for their hoppiest beer. I left with a "growler" (1/2 gallon jug) of their Fairweather IPA. Had two little glasses and savored every last drop. Of course, NG refused to drink from the breast so she missed out. What was she thinking?

My Big Question: Anyone know some tricks on getting NG back to loving the boob? I want to begin weaning her from formula the moment my nipples are really healed which with any luck and a bunch of that elusive thing called Rest will be in a mere few days. How can I encourage her to keep sucking without pulling away over and over and over again? How can I convince her that this will no longer be an excruciating experience for me and a frustrating experience for her?

That, my dear readers, is the question! Okay, more than one question, but you get my drift.

And now off to pump before NG's next late night feeding.