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It's normal to feel this way. Women who have struggled with infertiity sometimes feel shocked and guilty about their own negative feelings about motherhood, especially in the postpartum period. Mark my words, this is not the last time you will dispute the "no returns" policy on babies (or children). The good news is that you will learn to take it in stride. I know you don't want or need any advice, but, looking back, my one wish is that I would have spared my son *seeing* some of these outbursts when he was an infant and a toddler and I was at the end of my rope. But once I realized that I didn't want him to see me that way, I stopped doing it, so maybe it's a multi-step process where you need to do each step.

Point being: rest assured. You are doing fine. This is normal, normal, normal, normal. Talk to your therapist, take medication if you want and need it, use whatever supportive or calming techniques you need, and don't be afraid to hire a babysitter and get the heck out of the house! Parenting is so hard. It will get better.

I'm proud of you for keeping up with the breastfeeding. It sounds like you're really making progress. It's really unfair that you've had these challenges.

mama kelly

oh sweeite i dont know what to say

I am so sorry to "see" you going through such a rough time ... please dont beat yourself up about things said in the midst of pain and exhaustion

be kind to yourself and be well


Thank you so much for writing this brave post. I know I will, at some point, have a similar reaction. Now I know I would not be alone.


I could have written this post 8 months ago...literally. I was at the exact point you are at now; just trying the nipple shield, breaking down, yelling at my husband, etc.
I wish there was something I could say or do to make breastfeeding easy for you...heck, I wish I could do something to make it easy for me! (We're having a BF crisis here, too, so I understand the many kinds of pain it causes). Just know that you are reacting in a totally normal way, and that I have been there (that being said, many moms must have been there, too). You are never, ever alone.

Thank you for this brave, honest post. I believe in you.


I totally admire your honesty and hope the both of you (you and hubby) can work together to get through this.

But I am cetain you could start enjoying your baby tomorrow if you began bottle feeding formula.

There is nothing that profound in breast milk - its benefits are often mild and require LONG TERM feeding - spend a couple of hours searching medline / pediatrics and the british medical journal and you'll see what I mean.

At the end of the day its your choice and either way - I know you'll make it through (one way or another!)


It doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all. You have been through a lot. One day at a time though, one foot in front of the other.




It doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all. You have been through a lot. One day at a time though, one foot in front of the other.




It is ok and you are going to be ok. You are normal and your thoughts and feelings are normal. This is a NORMAL reaction to becoming a new mom, with or without nursing problems.

I am so very impressed that you have stuck with this as long as you have. Whatever decisions you may make from this point on, know that you are an incredible mom for working this hard to do what you believe is best for your baby.

I will be thinking about you. I PROMISE that this too shall pass and that one day you WILL feel like you have your normal life back. >


delurking to say: Congratulations on your success with the nipple shield! I think you have a v. loving DH and the big dips in mood are completely understandable. You've been holding a lot in to get to some good b-feeding and now things are getting better it makes sense that you're letting some negative feelings out. I'm cheering for you, because out is where you want them. Good for you, to put so much effort in.


A tough time for you and I've done very similar things in the months after giving birth. Normal but hellish. I applaud your honesty. I don't know if I ever commented on this, but I have an IgA Selective Deficiency (most people who have this have no symptoms) but one unfortunate impact can be difficulty breastfeeding and most docs/OB/LC are not familiar with it. The baby's mouth is teaming with bacteria, so you can wash your hands and breasts from dawn to dusk, but ultimately the baby's normal floral is the issue. Basically, I have no antibodies to fight the bacteria entering the ducts like women who have IgA do (this is the same antibody they refer to as being so helpful), so it always burned, hurt, and led to mastitis within days of BF. I hope it's not the case with you but was wondering if you've ever had your levels tested. That said, it didn't bother the baby to nurse even though I hurt (and I made way too much milk, so my high stress level didn't impact that ... I wish it would have!), so you have extra hurdles here. You're hanging in well even though it might not feel like it sometimes.


You are so brave and so strong and I admire you immensely.

I have been there -- I think ALL moms have -- of wanting to just go back to my old life because it was so much easier -- and then felt tremendous guilt after because I'd gone through so much to have the baby in the first place that I felt like I should never ever have any negative feelings whatsoever. Which is, of course, a crock.

Fertile or infertile, we are all human and will have moments of frustration and grief over losing our past lives. All the postpartum hormonal turmoil certainly doesn't help.

I say you are brave because it is hard to admit the less-than-perfect moments of motherhood, let alone write about them in one's blog. I know you have done a lot for other new moms out there, who are going to feel so much better for seeing that they are really not alone.

I hope through some of the haze of all that you are going through that you recognize what a fabulous job you are doing and what a wonderful person you are.

I am thinking of you every day and hoping you and NG success.


I have been through so much of the same as you! Infertility for 3 years, miscarriage, finally we have our IVF miracle baby.
We struggled breast feeding with jaundice (sleep instead of eating), acid reflux, colic, terrible breast pain, mastitis.

Many tummy problems start as late as 6 weeks, so foods you had eaten previously can suddenly become problematic to baby. I found that fenugreek caused gas in my dd as well as eating dairy products and virtually all veggies. Sorry but true. I basically eat meat and potatoes. Oatmeal helps milk production! Eat it!

Also, I read where you were balancing the bottles on your knees while you pumped. Do you know about the Easy Expressions hands free pumping bra? It saves me. Though it probably contributes to carpal tunnel b/c am online all the time when i pump! I enhded up pumping exclusively. I too sarted out getting very little milk but now I get like 12 ounces at a time, things change. It is important to empty your breasts when pumping (keep going till nothing comes out) that will cause you to make more.

Hang in there. It does get better!!


Perhaps you should read the book "Life after Birth" by Kate Figes. (I know, I know, with all that extra time you have.) My son did the mega breast refusal and had colic and never napped, etc. I really struggled with my emotions and I found this book when he was about 4 months old and DEVOURED it. It's just a real candid and honest account of what motherhood can actually be like (kinda like your great blog.) It was so encouraging to me. It was total catharsis. I wish I could take your place, honestly, because I've been through some of it before and that's a lot of what makes it hard is that it's new. After having gone through the first hard 3 months, I feel so empowered and I feel like I could handle anything a screaming newborn threw at me. I think you and I have similar determination (husband casually suggesting formula and getting screamed at) and my perserverence and eventual success at BF is a great source of pride and satisfaction for me. No pressure, but if you really are determined, I KNOW you CAN DO IT!!!!! and you absolutely should stick with it (if that's what you truly want to do.) You WILL get there and you WILL be so proud of yourself. After losing so much of my former identity to become a SAHM, it is a badge of honor for me that I've accomplished the things I have, and you can wear your badge proudly too, that you are a stubborn mommy who is mothering the way that you feel is best, come hell or high water. You are my hero, and hang in there. YOU KICK ASS! (pardon the naughty word)


Oh yeah! I remember doing that! It was when the sleep deprivation and the hormones were at their worst. Most of all for me I think, It was when I realized that no matter how hard I tried. I couldnt do it all.


I do admire your determination and perserverance, however, as my husband told me, is it worth a nervous breakdown and a starving baby? For both of my boys, I supplemented breastfeeding with formula. And it worked well, they were still getting the benefits of mother's milk, but were full and content because of the formula and no nipple confusion. I had no choice as both were marathon feeders and would feed non-stop for six hours at a time. And none of the dreaded formula side effects; my oldest is tall, athletic, healthy as a horse and does very well in school.
Think about adding a small amount of formula to your feeds. It will save your sanity and not help in your bonding to NG.


Just chiming in to say what you've been feeling and doing is completely normal, if post-partum life in my household is any indication. Also, as for the burning nipple post-feed, I also found that this happened and I determined it was the saliva irritating my skin. (Or so it seemed to be.) Since saliva is meant to break down food, it makes sense that it would be irritating. Anyway, parhaps just a confirmation of what you probably already thought. I admire your bravery for posting about this stuff, warts and all, and I also admire your determination to make breastfeeding work. You're doing just fine.


The week before I had my son, my mom warned me about the wanting-to-send-the-baby-back feelings. She insured me that it was normal, she felt that way with me (and we have a great relationship). Please don't feel guilty for feeling that way. (Although I mentioned this to a group of moms and they looked at me like I was crazy.)

One of the hardest parts of adjusting to a new baby is a total loss of control of emotions. Lucky for us, we both have great, understanding husbands who can just chalk it up to hormones and not take it personally.

Hang in there, it gets easier by the day. And in a few weeks, she'll start to smile and then it really is all worth it.


Still with you over here, Aliza, and I can say I have had worse tantrums over far less, if it helps at all.

Always a Mom

I just want to let you know from one mother to another, that being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have. As the parent of 2 older children, there are still days that I think I would like a refund. Thankfully those feelings are fleeting and you too will feel them less and less and feel the joys of motherhood more and more. Hang in there. You are completely normal!
I found that 12 weeks seemed to be the "magic age" for both my children, they cried less, were more content, and smiled much more. Maybe we just got used to eachother....
You are doing what a loving mother needs to do to care for her child and experiencing very normal feelings. Don't be afraid to accept all the help you can get.


I got teary reading this.

I'm sending this post to my husband so he can see what it might be like for us G-d-willing at the end of my own first pregnancy (which is happening now).


Your experience sounds so similar to mine. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there. It sounds like things are coming around.

Take care.

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