So...did we do the day long kangaroo care yesterday as planned? Well, no, but we did start the day yesterday doing just that. NG and I slept skin-to-skin for two hours in the morning after G. went to work. It was peaceful, and I was feeling so good about it when we both woke up. I did some gentle directing to the breast, nothing forceful.
Then NG began screaming. The only way to calm her was to first hide the breasts. The rest of the morning was a blur of fingerfeeding, diaper changing, casual breast offerings, and unconsolable screaming. Finally, I hit a wall and couldn't stop crying. I gave in and called G. at work, leaving a message on his voice mail begging him to come home.
All he had to do was to hear the tone of my voice, he said later, and he instantly felt a "bolt of lightening" run through him and he had trouble dialing our home number to reach me because of his concern. He finally got through and said he was on his way. I felt instant relief knowing he would be home soon to help.
When he arrived, things weren't as frantic as before but he could tell I was totally spent and instantly took over and relieved me from mommy duties. I was able to pump and take a nap. He truly saved the day.
In the evening, we tried the whole naturopathic approach to the Nursing Strike and I said out loud that I knew it was not a miracle cure and that I wasn't going to get my hopes up. G. was already skeptical about the whole thing but was willing to give anything a try if he thought it would help me.
Arnica, Rescue Remedy, and Orange essential oil in the bath. We did it all. We even lit candles in the bathroom. It was mostly soothing and calming (getting the Arnica into her little mouth was a challenge). And then later, we did a casual breastfeeding try. And she fussed but was just a hair shy of screaming. She did not take the breast.
And then today...
This part of the story is excerpted from an email I sent to my lactation consultant.
Basically, this morning, I tried nursing NG with the nipple shield that the original lacatation consultant had given me in the hospital on Day 2.
I had used it in the hospital a few times but it kept slipping and causing little cuts in the nipple (that is where the nipple sores began). NG latched on immediately and started sucking. I was able to breast feed for a little while on both breasts but the shield kept slipping as usual and G. suggested it might be too big.
We went to a local pharmacy today and were able to get a 16mm - extra small - which was the only smaller size they had in stock. They will get the 20mm - small - around Jan 31. I bought the 16mm, and we tried it out this afternoon. NG nursed on both breasts - for 20 minutes each. G. was thrilled for us but the shield was causing me discomfort, and I was so worried about starting the pain cycle again. But NG was nursing eagerly with the shield although she did refuse the breast directly several times but when I put the shield back, on she went to town.
Then, for the first time, this evening I was able to pump 1 oz from each breast - I'm sure it is from her stimulating the breasts earlier. The most I've been able to get usually is 1 oz off one breast and 1/4th or 1/2 on the other but the norm has been 1/4th to 1/2 on each breast. So this is progress on the milk production side, too. I've been doing the acupuncture for pain relief and production and then taking the evening primrose, lecithin and Lactate Support with blessed thistle, fenugreek, fennel, red raspberry leaf and marshmallow root. Also - Vitex (Chasteberry). I have had viturally no more redness and very little hardness since starting up the herbs and supplements.
The new "issue" is that after nursing NG with the nipple shield, my nipples and areolas burned and burned for hours - as if I was allergic either to her saliva or to the silicone. My acupuncturist had said to use a mild mixture of sweet almond oil and lavender essential oil to clean my nipples after each feeding - it is a natural antibacterial. That helped a little but just using warm water on a cotton ball also seemed to help.
My hormones are raging so my mood swings are just awful. But through that haze, I do feel some hope. Now I think I need something for these hormones so I can get through all of this.
And Then...
What I didn't detail to my lactation consultant was the latest meltdown that I had today - even after the successful nipple shield feeding. I was going to lay down for a nap and suggested to G. that he put NG down with me for some skin-to-skin because she had been so fussy for a while.
Well, I couldn't calm her, not matter what I tried. I even told her that if she took the breast for just a little while, it would be comforting to her and maybe even help her with the gas that we suspected was disturbing her. But the breast made her scream even more loudly.
Then I snapped. I could not take another moment of any of it. As I got up to bring her back out to the living room to G., I noticed he had set a dirty diaper on top of the diaper pail. That just sent me completely over the edge (you know what they say about straws and camels' backs). I came out of the room on a rampage and bitched at him for the diaper.
He retorted that it was not a big deal and I flew off the rest of the handle. Finally, I placed NG down on the sofa and shouted "You take care of her! You take her!" Then I ran back into the bedroom, slammed the door and got under the covers. G. followed me and I literally pulled the covers over my head screaming for him to leave me alone over and over. He tried to calm me. I was entirely freaking out. Intellectually, I knew this. But there was nothing within me that could stop the madness.
G. went to get NG and then came back to the room and quietly talked to me to get me to calm down. In my mind, all I could think of was "I want a refund. What the hell do you mean that you don't allow returns? What kind of return policy is this?" I could hear myself saying to G. "I don't want her anymore." I know this sounds horrible - I knew it was horrible then - but it just kept spewing out of me. I did, of course, say in my next breath "She is cute and really smart..." but I just didn't want to deal with her anymore. I felt like I wanted my old life back. It was a good life. There was nothing wrong with that life.
Without missing a beat, G. had a soothing thing to say in reply to each of my insane rantings. I finally calmed down and we were able to just talk things out. I apologized to him - something that doesn't ever seem to come easily to me but I knew it was essential to get past this latest tirade. And I meant it from the bottom of my heart. He is such a good man. I am a crazy woman.
What Next?
On Monday, I will see my acupuncturist again - more for milk production than pain relief now. Then later in the day, I will see my therapist (who I have not seen since before NG's birth). I think this is an important step in dealing with these hormonal emotion explosion. In the meanwhile, G. and I will continue to help each other out and care for our precious little girl. He has reiterated to me again and again that if I feel any desperation at all, to call for his help immediately - that he will be right here for me and for NG.
I know that is true. And I won't be afraid to ask.
It's normal to feel this way. Women who have struggled with infertiity sometimes feel shocked and guilty about their own negative feelings about motherhood, especially in the postpartum period. Mark my words, this is not the last time you will dispute the "no returns" policy on babies (or children). The good news is that you will learn to take it in stride. I know you don't want or need any advice, but, looking back, my one wish is that I would have spared my son *seeing* some of these outbursts when he was an infant and a toddler and I was at the end of my rope. But once I realized that I didn't want him to see me that way, I stopped doing it, so maybe it's a multi-step process where you need to do each step.
Point being: rest assured. You are doing fine. This is normal, normal, normal, normal. Talk to your therapist, take medication if you want and need it, use whatever supportive or calming techniques you need, and don't be afraid to hire a babysitter and get the heck out of the house! Parenting is so hard. It will get better.
I'm proud of you for keeping up with the breastfeeding. It sounds like you're really making progress. It's really unfair that you've had these challenges.
Posted by: Ersza | July 22, 2006 at 07:14 PM
oh sweeite i dont know what to say
I am so sorry to "see" you going through such a rough time ... please dont beat yourself up about things said in the midst of pain and exhaustion
be kind to yourself and be well
Posted by: mama kelly | July 22, 2006 at 07:23 PM
Thank you so much for writing this brave post. I know I will, at some point, have a similar reaction. Now I know I would not be alone.
Posted by: fuzzit | July 22, 2006 at 07:29 PM
I could have written this post 8 months ago...literally. I was at the exact point you are at now; just trying the nipple shield, breaking down, yelling at my husband, etc.
I wish there was something I could say or do to make breastfeeding easy for you...heck, I wish I could do something to make it easy for me! (We're having a BF crisis here, too, so I understand the many kinds of pain it causes). Just know that you are reacting in a totally normal way, and that I have been there (that being said, many moms must have been there, too). You are never, ever alone.
Thank you for this brave, honest post. I believe in you.
*Kier*
Posted by: Kier | July 22, 2006 at 08:18 PM
I totally admire your honesty and hope the both of you (you and hubby) can work together to get through this.
But I am cetain you could start enjoying your baby tomorrow if you began bottle feeding formula.
There is nothing that profound in breast milk - its benefits are often mild and require LONG TERM feeding - spend a couple of hours searching medline / pediatrics and the british medical journal and you'll see what I mean.
At the end of the day its your choice and either way - I know you'll make it through (one way or another!)
Posted by: bubbb | July 22, 2006 at 08:32 PM
It doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all. You have been through a lot. One day at a time though, one foot in front of the other.
((hugs))
-A
Posted by: agness | July 22, 2006 at 08:34 PM
It doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all. You have been through a lot. One day at a time though, one foot in front of the other.
((hugs))
-A
Posted by: agness | July 22, 2006 at 08:36 PM
It is ok and you are going to be ok. You are normal and your thoughts and feelings are normal. This is a NORMAL reaction to becoming a new mom, with or without nursing problems.
I am so very impressed that you have stuck with this as long as you have. Whatever decisions you may make from this point on, know that you are an incredible mom for working this hard to do what you believe is best for your baby.
I will be thinking about you. I PROMISE that this too shall pass and that one day you WILL feel like you have your normal life back. >
Posted by: Cherith | July 22, 2006 at 09:00 PM
delurking to say: Congratulations on your success with the nipple shield! I think you have a v. loving DH and the big dips in mood are completely understandable. You've been holding a lot in to get to some good b-feeding and now things are getting better it makes sense that you're letting some negative feelings out. I'm cheering for you, because out is where you want them. Good for you, to put so much effort in.
Posted by: isabel | July 22, 2006 at 10:33 PM
A tough time for you and I've done very similar things in the months after giving birth. Normal but hellish. I applaud your honesty. I don't know if I ever commented on this, but I have an IgA Selective Deficiency (most people who have this have no symptoms) but one unfortunate impact can be difficulty breastfeeding and most docs/OB/LC are not familiar with it. The baby's mouth is teaming with bacteria, so you can wash your hands and breasts from dawn to dusk, but ultimately the baby's normal floral is the issue. Basically, I have no antibodies to fight the bacteria entering the ducts like women who have IgA do (this is the same antibody they refer to as being so helpful), so it always burned, hurt, and led to mastitis within days of BF. I hope it's not the case with you but was wondering if you've ever had your levels tested. That said, it didn't bother the baby to nurse even though I hurt (and I made way too much milk, so my high stress level didn't impact that ... I wish it would have!), so you have extra hurdles here. You're hanging in well even though it might not feel like it sometimes.
Posted by: Liz | July 23, 2006 at 05:08 AM
You are so brave and so strong and I admire you immensely.
I have been there -- I think ALL moms have -- of wanting to just go back to my old life because it was so much easier -- and then felt tremendous guilt after because I'd gone through so much to have the baby in the first place that I felt like I should never ever have any negative feelings whatsoever. Which is, of course, a crock.
Fertile or infertile, we are all human and will have moments of frustration and grief over losing our past lives. All the postpartum hormonal turmoil certainly doesn't help.
I say you are brave because it is hard to admit the less-than-perfect moments of motherhood, let alone write about them in one's blog. I know you have done a lot for other new moms out there, who are going to feel so much better for seeing that they are really not alone.
I hope through some of the haze of all that you are going through that you recognize what a fabulous job you are doing and what a wonderful person you are.
I am thinking of you every day and hoping you and NG success.
Posted by: S. | July 23, 2006 at 10:26 AM
HI,
I have been through so much of the same as you! Infertility for 3 years, miscarriage, finally we have our IVF miracle baby.
We struggled breast feeding with jaundice (sleep instead of eating), acid reflux, colic, terrible breast pain, mastitis.
Many tummy problems start as late as 6 weeks, so foods you had eaten previously can suddenly become problematic to baby. I found that fenugreek caused gas in my dd as well as eating dairy products and virtually all veggies. Sorry but true. I basically eat meat and potatoes. Oatmeal helps milk production! Eat it!
Also, I read where you were balancing the bottles on your knees while you pumped. Do you know about the Easy Expressions hands free pumping bra? It saves me. Though it probably contributes to carpal tunnel b/c am online all the time when i pump! I enhded up pumping exclusively. I too sarted out getting very little milk but now I get like 12 ounces at a time, things change. It is important to empty your breasts when pumping (keep going till nothing comes out) that will cause you to make more.
Hang in there. It does get better!!
Posted by: Kristen | July 23, 2006 at 01:28 PM
Perhaps you should read the book "Life after Birth" by Kate Figes. (I know, I know, with all that extra time you have.) My son did the mega breast refusal and had colic and never napped, etc. I really struggled with my emotions and I found this book when he was about 4 months old and DEVOURED it. It's just a real candid and honest account of what motherhood can actually be like (kinda like your great blog.) It was so encouraging to me. It was total catharsis. I wish I could take your place, honestly, because I've been through some of it before and that's a lot of what makes it hard is that it's new. After having gone through the first hard 3 months, I feel so empowered and I feel like I could handle anything a screaming newborn threw at me. I think you and I have similar determination (husband casually suggesting formula and getting screamed at) and my perserverence and eventual success at BF is a great source of pride and satisfaction for me. No pressure, but if you really are determined, I KNOW you CAN DO IT!!!!! and you absolutely should stick with it (if that's what you truly want to do.) You WILL get there and you WILL be so proud of yourself. After losing so much of my former identity to become a SAHM, it is a badge of honor for me that I've accomplished the things I have, and you can wear your badge proudly too, that you are a stubborn mommy who is mothering the way that you feel is best, come hell or high water. You are my hero, and hang in there. YOU KICK ASS! (pardon the naughty word)
Posted by: wombat | July 23, 2006 at 01:47 PM
Oh yeah! I remember doing that! It was when the sleep deprivation and the hormones were at their worst. Most of all for me I think, It was when I realized that no matter how hard I tried. I couldnt do it all.
Posted by: Amy | July 23, 2006 at 01:51 PM
I do admire your determination and perserverance, however, as my husband told me, is it worth a nervous breakdown and a starving baby? For both of my boys, I supplemented breastfeeding with formula. And it worked well, they were still getting the benefits of mother's milk, but were full and content because of the formula and no nipple confusion. I had no choice as both were marathon feeders and would feed non-stop for six hours at a time. And none of the dreaded formula side effects; my oldest is tall, athletic, healthy as a horse and does very well in school.
Think about adding a small amount of formula to your feeds. It will save your sanity and not help in your bonding to NG.
Posted by: Karen | July 23, 2006 at 06:19 PM
Just chiming in to say what you've been feeling and doing is completely normal, if post-partum life in my household is any indication. Also, as for the burning nipple post-feed, I also found that this happened and I determined it was the saliva irritating my skin. (Or so it seemed to be.) Since saliva is meant to break down food, it makes sense that it would be irritating. Anyway, parhaps just a confirmation of what you probably already thought. I admire your bravery for posting about this stuff, warts and all, and I also admire your determination to make breastfeeding work. You're doing just fine.
Posted by: Pamela | July 23, 2006 at 08:26 PM
The week before I had my son, my mom warned me about the wanting-to-send-the-baby-back feelings. She insured me that it was normal, she felt that way with me (and we have a great relationship). Please don't feel guilty for feeling that way. (Although I mentioned this to a group of moms and they looked at me like I was crazy.)
One of the hardest parts of adjusting to a new baby is a total loss of control of emotions. Lucky for us, we both have great, understanding husbands who can just chalk it up to hormones and not take it personally.
Hang in there, it gets easier by the day. And in a few weeks, she'll start to smile and then it really is all worth it.
Posted by: gilley | July 24, 2006 at 06:57 AM
Still with you over here, Aliza, and I can say I have had worse tantrums over far less, if it helps at all.
Love.
Posted by: Vivien | July 24, 2006 at 08:19 AM
I just want to let you know from one mother to another, that being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have. As the parent of 2 older children, there are still days that I think I would like a refund. Thankfully those feelings are fleeting and you too will feel them less and less and feel the joys of motherhood more and more. Hang in there. You are completely normal!
I found that 12 weeks seemed to be the "magic age" for both my children, they cried less, were more content, and smiled much more. Maybe we just got used to eachother....
You are doing what a loving mother needs to do to care for her child and experiencing very normal feelings. Don't be afraid to accept all the help you can get.
Posted by: Always a Mom | July 25, 2006 at 05:32 AM
I got teary reading this.
I'm sending this post to my husband so he can see what it might be like for us G-d-willing at the end of my own first pregnancy (which is happening now).
Posted by: evenewra | July 25, 2006 at 06:41 PM
Your experience sounds so similar to mine. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there. It sounds like things are coming around.
Take care.
Posted by: chris | July 26, 2006 at 09:25 AM