hope? who said I was feeling hopeful?
what a difference a few hours can make.
I am wondering - what hurts more? Nipple and breast pain or heartache? I can't decide.
I know it took 2 weeks of stressful, painful, upsetting breast feedings for NG to turn away from the breast. So maybe it will take 2 weeks of non-stressful, non-painful and relaxing attempts at breast feeding for NG to come back to the breast.
Until then, all it takes is the sight of a boob for her to lose her little shit, screaming and crying and flailing (even when swaddled). She is clearly hating the boob right now, even when I dribble milk into her mouth, speak to her soothingly, rock, sing softly, give her gentle encouraging words and even when the milk flows into her mouth.
She just seems to gag and push away, milk spilling down her cheek and chin, angry with the world for shoving a breast in her face.
If this is a love/hate relationship, she is definitely feeling the hate right now.
And I try to find my inner calm sweet mommy and not get discouraged or feel rejected or worse yet - that I caused all of this and should have read something more/asked something sooner/known something to make it better faster.
I just keep having these sudden crying jags, not knowing what else I can do and trying to remind myself that it takes time. It takes time.
Aliza, I am having my baby on Monday... and I can tell you without a doubt if I have half of the problems you have had, I will throw in the towel. You are one stubborn woman. If... just if, it doesnt work out and you have to strictly bottle feed, you can feel confident that you did everything under the sun and beyond to try and make it work... I hate that you are feeling so miserable in the first weeks of your baby's life. Will it be worth it even if she does eventually go back to the breast? I am certainly not judging you. You may become my hero in the next few weeks!
Posted by: stephanie | July 15, 2006 at 03:15 PM
I hate that you're having so many difficulties. On the pumping issue, be aware that the baby is much more efficient at getting milk than the pump so its not an accurate indication of how much NG gets from your breast.
On the refusal issue, I really dont know what to suggst if your milk is there and flowing when you try to get her to attach. Sometimes I've had to give Spudly a few sucks on a bottle to get him to settle before he'll take the boob. Maybe this would work for you?
And you didnt cause any of this. You've had a lot of bad luck. Thats all. You're doing a fantastic job trying to get the b/f established. Well done and kudos to you, my dear.
Posted by: Panda | July 15, 2006 at 04:02 PM
Sounds like classic nursing strike to me. If you haven't already found it, here's kellymom info on when a baby won't nurse http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/back-to-breast.html and LLL info on a strike http://www.lalecheleague.org/FAQ/strike.html
I'm so, so sorry Aliza. Realize that you are still in the prime "Baby Blues" time. You can do this. I just really wish I could give you a hug right now.
Posted by: Robyn | July 15, 2006 at 06:31 PM
I am so sorry hon. I really and truly know just how you feel. My first baby was an utter nightmere to nurse. Frankly, I gave up on nursing him and pumped and bottle fed for 9 months.
Your hormones are not going to make this any easier, unfortunately. DO NOT allow yourself to feel guilt. It serves no purpose and will just make you more miserable. Not one single, tiny piece of this is your fault. It just happens.
Do what you need/want to do, but know that what NG needs even more than breast milk is a happy, emotionally healthy, calm, relaxed mommy. You are doing a great job and I am very, very impressed.
Posted by: Cherith | July 15, 2006 at 10:51 PM
Oh, Aliza...I wish I could just pop over there and give you a hug! You are such a strong, dedicated Mommy and we're all so proud of you. Whatever you decide in the end will absolutely be the best for NG and you, and you have our support.
Even though my Emma is 8 months old now we're having a new breastfeeding crisis so I literally know the pain you're going through. I might go for some acupuncture, if it would give me any relief. (Thanks for the inadvertant tip there!).
Rest, rest, rest when and if you can. Sending many hugs over the comp to you three!
Posted by: Kier | July 16, 2006 at 05:34 AM
Oh, Jesus, you are having a hard time. Please don't:
1.feel guilty
2.feel like it's your fault
3.feel like you're a bad mommy
4.feel like your baby doesn't love you
None of those things are true. You are doing the absolute best you can for your child, and that makes you a very.good.mommy.
Posted by: pumpmom | July 16, 2006 at 06:40 AM
Aliza,
I hope NG settles in to life with a mommy without sore boobs... remember, you don't have to BF - I am so proud of you for continuing your valiant efforts through everything, but just remember you don't HAVE to - sometimes it is better for everyone to try alternate means of feeding the baby.
You are doing everything you can and that is what being the best mommy you can be is all about.
Posted by: Jodi | July 16, 2006 at 07:34 AM
My first son had a similar response to the breat for what seemed like forever. He had physiologic jaundice and ended up being bottle fed in the hospital while under the lights to reduce the jaundice. He never really loved nursing, but he did get the hang of it after a while. It was really hard for me, and not easy for him. The best advice I can give is just keep trying. Also, has your lactation consultant talked to you about nipple shields? They made a big difference for John- made it easier. Then we had to wean off the shield, but it was easier to do that than to get him to breastfeed in the first place. Also, you can take meds to increase your supply- I took Reglan, which is a prescription med and did help a good deal.
I can't say for you situation- but in mine, which sounded a lot like yours, after several weeks it got better and after several months it was easy and I nursed my baby for a year.
Good luck however it works out- and you are a good mama, even if nursing doesnt work for you.
Amanda
Posted by: Amanda | July 16, 2006 at 07:41 AM
I am so sorry that you are still facing breast feeding challenges ... please don't beat yourself up with "if only" and "i should have"
my breast feeding experiences were pretty bad, and between latch on problems, severe pain (used to numb my nipples with ice before feedings), nipple thrush (which my Dr told me wasn;t possible), etc. I wound up never being able to do more than 1/2 breast and 1/2 bottle because I didn't know where to go for help - NOONE else in my family ever breastfed
you are doing everything you can possibly do and with patience I;m sure you will find your way to a feeding routine that works for both of you
Posted by: mama kelly | July 16, 2006 at 09:18 AM
I'm so sorry. Your posts remind me so much of those first weeks, which are lost to me in a blur. All I remember was thinking how much I hated breastfeeding and how hard it was.
My baby had a really strong neck, and would try to rear away when I tried to get her to latch on right.
I later learned she was allergic to dairy in my diet, and that was causing vomiting and hesitance at the breast.
I know the first weeks would be easier without breastfeeding, but I'm glad I stuck it out.
Don't feel like you have to though. Everyone has a limit, and when you hit yours, it's time to just sit back and enjoy the baby. Seriously. Breastfeeding is SO STRESSFUL at the beginning. You are not alone.
Posted by: Lyss | July 16, 2006 at 12:06 PM
Big hugs. And whatever you decide to do will be alright.
Muffin Man hated breast-feeding. He hated facing in and not seeing what was going on. So I pumped. And yeah, I felt rejected and sad and candidate for the WWM award, but really, it's about what's best for you both.
Again, big hugs.
Posted by: liz | July 16, 2006 at 12:55 PM
Just wanted to send you some support. I hope this gets easier for you and NG very, very soon.
Posted by: Nikole | July 16, 2006 at 01:28 PM
I am soo sorry that this is happening. I know that they go through these stages...any chance it's something you are eating that she doesn't like the taste of the breast milk right now? Are you eating alot of one type of food? Probably not taste of the milk, but just thought I would ask. Things will get better, difficult to see at this point, but it will!!
Posted by: Lindsay | July 16, 2006 at 02:02 PM
I have yet to have a baby, so I cannot offer any words from experience, but I definitely want to state how impressed I am with your determination to do this right. It is so obvious that you appreciate your little angel and that you want to whatever it takes to give her the best. I am so sorry that you are having difficulties. I really want this to get better for you and NG.
Posted by: Sara | July 16, 2006 at 05:00 PM
Aliza - it does get easier. For us, the 2 month mark was the magic turn around point. Before that, everything was a blur.
Breastfeeding was honestly the hardest thing I ever did. In our case the main problem was thrush (that we passed back and forth and back and forth - baby to mommy to baby). She also nursed pretty much round the clock. After she was finished, I'd change the diaper, then start nursing again.
Eventually we fell into a rhythm, and nursing was a good experience for both of us. I nursed for 9 months. One day SHE just decided it was time. She stiff-armed me whenever I tried to nurse. At that point I felt like she was weaning me, not the other way around! heh heh.
You've been getting a lot of great advice - the only additional thing I have to offer is to make sure you have a top-quality breast pump.
I purchased one from a retail store, and paid about $100 for it. At the time, I didn't think I was being cheap. I was NEVER able to get much out of the pump.
Shortly after I stopped nursing, I happened to be speaking to a LC about how pumping just never worked for me. She asked what type of pump I had and then laughed. She said that she was impressed I was able to get more than a drop using it.
I think life would have been much easier on me if I could pump. (I would pump, pump, pump in between feedings just to collect enough breast milk that she could be fed 1 feeding every couple of days by someone other than me.)
Posted by: Andrea | July 17, 2006 at 10:37 AM
Hi, this is the first time I've posted - delurking in process! I love your blog, your honesty and integrity and sharing the ups and downs of this journey - thank-you.
Now on to the advice front, have you tried your lovely lady on peristaltic teats for her bottle? They are made by pigeon and were recommended to me as being the closest to breast shape. In fact, my babe was the opposite to yours and needed to be on the bottle every so often, but was pure breast and he settled into the peristaltic teats.
All the best, love, this parenting thing sucks sometimes, it really does.
Lara
Posted by: lara | July 18, 2006 at 05:33 AM
Oh, I'm so sorry. I posted on another entry about how my son did similar stuff and I had to use the swaddling blanket. He was terrible. For months. I would have to get up and walk him around sometimes 6-7 times during a nursing session just to get him to calm down. It was so hard. But I was really stubborn, and it was worth it, 100%. It was only when he was 3 months old that he really got to liking nursing. So it will get better, but it might take a while. I am trying to be encouraging, not discouraging, but I wish I would have known how hard it can be, so I'm telling you. But it really was SO worth it. Hang in there and way to be so stubborn. If you persist through this you will be so proud of yourself, I know I am. Good luck and don't give up. Your daughter will be happy and healthy no matter what ends up happening, breast, pupming, or formula. This too shall pass.
Posted by: wombat | July 18, 2006 at 05:15 PM
Sorry I don't have any advice that will help you thru this trying time but those new pics of NG are beautiful!!!!!!
Posted by: Carrie | July 18, 2006 at 07:27 PM
Hey!
Since there haven't been any recent posts-I hope you are enjoying alot of rest, and that things are going better. Exhaustion makes the whole world blue! I also wanted to let you know that you will probably see a big difference in "NG's" entire outlook, sucking pattern, appetite etc once she gets up to about 7-8 pounds. Find something to help keep your humor up together-even taking a quiet drive when you feel up to it. There are a lot of spots in parenting when one feels overwhelmed and strung out. It is usually a call to slow down-focus on what's important-thin out commitments and reprioritize. I have known sooo many women who perservered through some really rough starts-and like a lot of challenging things-it ended up being the easiest path in the end. Again-along with encouraging you to seek out La Leche League material-and perhaps a LLL leader or group in your area (call 1-800-Laleche) to get this information if it is not available at the Dr.'s office or "notices."...I can also highly recommend "Mothering" Magazine. They have had several great articles on the gammut of BF etc etc, and have been around for years. Good luck! This too shall pass! Heather.
Posted by: Heather | July 18, 2006 at 09:02 PM