Many many many thanks for the comments and all of your perspectives. I sit here in the dark living room with a pump flange on my breast, the bottle balanced between my legs and hunched over so I can type this post.
I wish I could respond to every single comment or to email each of you personally and give you a virtual hug. But bar that, I say Thank You once again.
Had some good/interesting advice earlier today. We will see where it leads. Here is what happened...
Went to prenatal chiropractor for some post partum work and also a post partum massage. The massage therapist who I had seen throughout my pregnancy was awesome - setting NG up in a massage pregnancy mat, keeping an eye on her and when she fussed, picking her up to comfort her while giving me a one-handed massage until NG calmed down. Finally, she laid NG down literally between my legs as I lay on my stomach on the massage table.
Then she suggested that I try feeding her on the massage table from a side lying position or at least doing some skin to skin before I got dressed. She helped me position - and immediately gave me some helpful tips like "do not prop her head with your arm as you lay beside her." NG didn't latch on but she nuzzled my breast, licked the nipple, and then dozed next to me with my breast as her pillow. So peaceful.
When I got to the office lobby, my chiropractor said that the naturopath she was going to call to ask what to do for me happened to stop by the office while I was getting my massage. First, the naturopath said that she felt NG was definitely reacting to trauma - the trauma she experienced along with me as I went through all the breast pain, infections, etc. Here is what she recommended - I will try this tomorrow evening.
1. 200 ch Arnica - for NG (A homeopathic remedy - I am going to call to verify this is correct. I have read it can be used for breast pain during breastfeeding but not for an infant. Will double check this one.)
2. Rescue Remedy - also for NG although I bet I could use some of that, too (Bach floral essence - for calming)
3. Take a warm bath with NG using a citrus essential oil such as orange. While in the bath, talk to her about what we have been through and what I hope we can do to make this breastfeeding thing work. Explain that I am no longer in pain, that I understand her feelings and that it will all be okay.
OK, the last part sounds a little hokey but just like I finally got the courage up to speak to NG while she was still in the womb, I know this cannot hurt.
Having a professional acknowledge the trauma I know NG has been going through and then give me some concrete, gentle remedies just made my day.
Until tomorrow evening, NG and I will stay in bed all day, lounging around half nekkid, doing the old kangaroo care. It will be a lovely lovely day.
(BTW, to those who suggested watching what I eat/drink and soaps/lotions/perfumes, etc. - two things:
1. she breastfed without aversions for first three weeks, even through my pain and my crying, gritting my teeth, and pulling her away from the nipple when in excruiciating pain. I have not had anything new/different to eat. I also don't really like garlic or onions and haven't had anything too strong like Thai food since giving birth. But she sure did like it when I was pregnant!
2. I don't wear perfumes, the lotion I use - never on the nipple - is the same I have used since I was in the hospital - an all natural, food grade organic hand mixed lavender and white yarrow lotion. I don't wear perfume. My deoderant is the same I've used for years - Kiss My Face lavendar. I know her aversion is emotional and not physical but these things were all good to think about just to make sure.)
You are AWESOME Aliza! Big (((HUGS))) to you - I so hope your bath is a turning point and you can walk happily in to tomorrow with a baby on the breast.
Posted by: Jodi | July 21, 2006 at 06:44 AM
Please let me say be careful with your citrus essential oil! I thougth I'd relax in a bath with orange last year, and I don't know what I did wrong, or if I did anything wrong, and this is just a side effect, but the oil settled on the top of the water, and each place it touched my skin, it burned it, like a severe sunburn. I thought I was going to have to go the ER!
I really don't know what happened, but I just had to share, as you are going to put baby NG in there!
Posted by: 4tops | July 21, 2006 at 07:23 AM
This post sound so positive, and I'm hoping that this works for you and NG. The massage sounds wonderful--what a wonderful massage therapist. Sending you a big hug and hoping that this does the trick.
Posted by: Nikole | July 21, 2006 at 07:56 AM
So sorry you have had so much difficulty with the bf. Kudos to you for continuing to try. We had really similar problems with baby boy. Email me anytime if you want to chat. Hope that bath help put you both on the track to better bf soon.
Posted by: cat | July 21, 2006 at 09:31 AM
Sorry to hear your troubles but hang in there. I had to reintroduce nursing after four days of bottle feeding, and it wasn't pretty but utimately successful. I don't know if you know about this guy, Dr. Jack Newman, but he is in Toronto Canada and there isn't anything he doesn't know about breastfeeding. He does e-mail and telephone consultations and was a lifesaver to me. I also found fenugreek capsules the best thing ever to build supply and pumping after every breastfeeding session to stimulate production also very good. His website: http://www.drjacknewman.com/ Take care and good luck with your sweetie.
Posted by: CalicoPretty | July 21, 2006 at 10:46 AM
Side lying to feed is a godsend for me in the middle of the night, and it seems to make Spudly much more relaxed.
I love the sound of your day in bed.
Posted by: Panda | July 21, 2006 at 03:16 PM
The laying on your side skin to skin is SUCH a great way to connect with your baby. I am SO glad that your prenatal chiropractor new to suggest this.
The other suggestion sounds very much like a version of rebirthing therapy. Here is a link that describes it well: http://home.aol.com/davisrnclc/myhomepage/rebirth.htm
If nothing else, it is a great way to connect with your baby and relax. It just might do the trick to help her relax and find those natural nursing instincts again.
Don't feel goofy talking to her. It is not hokey and she absolutely understands the tones in your voice. I think that talking to her in the bath is an excellent idea! Tell her the kind of things that you said to her right after her birth. Babies understand way more of what we are saying than we realize.
You are amazing, I KNOW you can do this!
Posted by: Cherith | July 21, 2006 at 07:14 PM
I, like, Jodi have gotten skin irritation with citrus oil. Be sure to use just a little bit.
I am glad you got some comforting advice from someone who listened to you and acknowledged the psychological aspect of breastfeeding. I hope it goes really well with the skin to skin festival!
Posted by: Sara | July 22, 2006 at 07:13 AM