Yes, I'm still losing my shit at least once a day. I know my positive posts sound so peachy and it is good to project this positive attitude, but the reality is that I'm still struggling so much. The latest is with accidentally spilling breast milk as I'm pouring from the pump bottle into a storage bag.
I've spilled milk 3 times. The first was about 1/2 ounce, the second time, a little more. This last time, yesterday, I was reaching for the bottle from my latest pump session - almost 2 ounces - and knocked the bottle off the counter and onto the floor.
How can I describe the devastation I felt? The utter sense of loss and hopelessness? I burst into tears and ran to our bedroom with G. trying to comfort me and saying kind and supportive things to me that I just could not hear through the loud inner voice inside screaming "You are such a fucking idiot! You are such a fucking failure! You keep screwing everything up! You are a loser!"
I know this sounds freaking weird but I was truly grieving the spilled breast milk. I felt as if someone I loved had died. G. had wiped it up for me - I couldn't even do that. All I kept thinking was "This is one less breast milk meal for NG. I thought I would have enough. Now I won't."
A little later, G. went to the fridge and pulled out 2 baggies of breast milk that I did not realize were there so NG had another B-milk meal. Then he reminded me that I had about half a dozen bags of B-milk in the freezer. I had forgotten.
OK, I'll get through this spilled milk episode. I'll get through this feeling of loss and failure.
On a positive note - because dammit, I won't survive without a positive note: The last 3 days, I have managed to go from 6-7 formula meals and 1 full breast milk meal per day to 3-4 breast milk meals and 3-4 formula meals.
NG is clearly less gassy and burpy with breast milk, even though it isn't even coming straight from the breast. It just seems to do better in her belly. The proof is there each day that I'm able to give her more breast milk. The proof is there.
Tomorrow morning, I have an appointment with a naturopath who will look at this nursing strike from a holistic point of view. I can look forward to that.
Honey, they don't call it "liquid gold" just b/c of it's value to the baby. It's so hard when you spill milk or when you have to dump it because you forgot to freeze it in time. I mourned every oz.
Your doing great! I'm so impressed with how your body is responding to the new efforts. Go Aliza!
Posted by: Robyn | July 31, 2006 at 12:22 PM
Oh, the second night I had the pump I was doing a late night puming session in bed and passed the bottle to hubby so he could bring it downstairsand put it in the fridge...and he dropped it in the handoff and spilled it all over me. I too, started crying.
The breast milk is so precious I almost hesitate in giving it to the baby as ridiculous as that sounds. Every bottle represents at least a half an hour of squeezing the manual pump! So don't feel bad about the spilled milk, I'm insane about it too.
Posted by: plucky punk | July 31, 2006 at 05:07 PM
I totally get this. Whoever came up with the phrase "don't cry over spilt milk" obviously never had trouble breastfeeding. I remember one night about a month ago when I was pumping. The container fell off the pump and FOUR ounces spilled all over the carpet. The 'f' word flew, waking up my husband, followed by my sobs of self defeat. It is sooooo normal to be upset about that sort of thing. I hope your troubles get better soon. I've been lurking and don't comment like I should. Take care!
Posted by: Dooneybug | July 31, 2006 at 06:02 PM
Ok you totally dont know me. I may have posted once before but I cant remember, but I've been lurking for a long time.
I have to tell you how damn proud I am of you. I think no matter how many times you get upset a day, its all good. You are freaking out for the best possible reason ever...NG!! You have every right!! I am so proud of you for not giving up, for pushing yourself and trudging along. You are doing so wonderful and your body is responding!!! You will get there soon, I promise!!!
I've cried over spilling my milk too, its the worst and most upsetting feeling!!! You work so hard, put yourself through so much pumping it out and in one instant...ughgg I dont even like to talk about it!!!!!
Hang tight babe, the rainbow is in sight!!
Posted by: Jessica | July 31, 2006 at 06:57 PM
You are doing GREAT! It may seem hard to see from inside this tired, frustrating place you are in, but it is true. The shift from 6-7 formula meals and 1 full breast milk meal per day to 3-4 breast milk meals and 3-4 formula meals is hard proof of that. I'm glad G is so supportive and wonderful to you. Hold on, I know this will get easier and feel much less overwhelming.
I hope you have a wonderful appt with the naturopath, and come away with new insights.
Posted by: Nikole | August 01, 2006 at 08:39 AM
I wanted to kill my husband when he left a full 8 oz. bottle of milk in the baby's bag at daycare (instead of giving it to them so it could go in the fridge) and the baby got formula that day (and not in his anti-gas Dr. Brown's bottle) instead of the milk I had pumped, which went bad sitting in the bag. Tears, screaming, I totally lost it! He felt bad, but I don't think he could truly understand the sense of devastation I felt. Maybe there are milk fountains out there who wouldn't care so much, but for the rest of us it's enough to send us over the edge. Hang in there!
Posted by: alecia | August 01, 2006 at 09:21 AM
Oh, I have been there. I did not have such a shortage of milk at first, but still every spill was soooo upsetting. I don't know if it was the lost effort or the feeling of taking something precious away from baby or even hormones, but it was SOOO upsetting to lose milk! You are really doing GREAT, just hang on! As said by other posters, trust yourself! Your ancestors successfully mothered thousands of generations of babies - you must have some genetic knowledge!
Posted by: Kim | August 08, 2006 at 01:13 PM