babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

International Pumping

So I finally bought my own breastpump - Medela In Style - after using the rental Medela Lactina for 2 months. I'm getting used to it, and I got the advanced version for the removable motor just in case packing the whole thing proves a hassle when we're traveling on my business trip in October.

My big question for all is: How will I pump during the international flights? Do I just bring the pump to the bathroom and use the battery pack? That means I'll be in the plane potty for at least 10 minutes at a time every few hours. Is this how it is done? And has anyone out there done it?

Also wondering since security has cracked down, will the pump set off any alarms or alarm any security check personnel? I can just see myself now having to demo it. "I swear this is a breast pump - see, you put the flange to your nipple like so..."

We won't be bringing breast milk on board - I'll just be expressing it while on the plane. We'll have powdered formula, too, just in case we need to mix it in flight. I want to also bring some of the ready-to-use cannisters in our checked bag just for the convenience.

In September, I'll be pumping all along the Alaska Highway as we drive back down to the Lower 48. I was going to get the car charger for the In Style but will get rechargeable batteries instead. And in a pinch, I'll just use 10 AA batteries for 2 hours of pumping time. I did get a bottle warmer for the drive down that has a car charger. It seemed convenient at the time but now seems a little ridiculous. How do I get sucked in to getting all these contraptions?

Would love to hear from pumping moms on how they handle pumping while traveling, especially on flights.

bottle, bottle or bottle

As most of you know, I have started NG on a bottle as of about 2 weeks ago or so. Yes, I know what is best for baby is best overall. Yes, I am still devastated that she won't breastfeed and still cries hysterically when confronted with the boobs. Yes, I do keep trying on occasion and just yesterday, she latched on 4-5 times between screams and sucked furiously for a few seconds each time. But she is getting her nourishment by bottle and mostly pumped breastmilk during the day when my supply is good.

So this whole bottle thing - it has both G. and me confused. There is no such thing as a simple, ordinary bottle with a nice, breast-like nipple. Or is there? Here is a rundown of what we have and the pros, cons and questions.

Dr. Brown's
I bought the 4 oz narrow bottle - they didn't have the wider bottle available but I think they carry one which must have a more breast-like nipple.

PROS: Supposed to reduce gas.
CONS: The contraption inside is too much of a hassle to clean properly. The nipple base is smaller than my areola so I didn't want her getting used to a tiny fake booby. Used this once and it is in the cupboard.

?: Has anyone tried the wider version? Likes/dislikes? Is it more breast-like?

Playtex Drop Ins
According to a friend's midwife, this is the best one for women with trouble breastfeeding who hope to get baby back to the breast.

PROS: Supposed to reduce gas. Easier to clean because of the disposable drop ins.
CONS: Expensive to keep buying drop ins. OK, confession, we keep washing and reusing them several times before tossing. Also, just figured out that the slide on the side is to push up the air before baby starts eating - and if she is screaming for her meal, this just pisses her off more. And G. hates the contraption. He wants simpler. I'm used to it already so this is the one I use, and G. uses it by default.

?: Anyone love/hate this bottle? Let me know what you think.

Playtex Ventair
Thought this looked like a simpler bottle so I bought a three pack of the smaller size (6 oz) to surprise G. Turns out it isn't as simple as it looks.

PROS: Supposed to reduce gas. Easy enough to clean.
CONS: We warm the bottle in hot water from the tap in a Tupperware bowl but for this bottle, you have to remove the nipple to warm it or else it leaks out the bottom. Also, you cannot place it upright, resting on the bottom like a normal bottle or it starts leaking. It seems that you have to keep it tipped at all times once the nipple is on - upside down with the cap on it. Currently relegated to the cupboard but may revisit.

?: What is it with this bottle? Am I doing something wrong?

Who knew buying a baby bottle was like buying a car? So many options, features, and contraptions, not to mention the designer versions with a variety of colors and patterns to match your home decor. Yikes!

Hips and Belly

Reality strikes. As we pack for our move, I am trying to go through all my clothes and give some things to charity (Big Brothers, Big Sisters). So I'm clearing out my closet and trying things on instead of just packing them in order to see what fits and what doesn't.

Conclusion? None of my pre-attempting-to-get pregnant clothes fit. At all. Can't even pull skirts or pants up past my hips. I have a feeling I may never be a size 6 again. Or a size 8. Or a size 10...

I am grateful that I got past my body image issues in my early 30s. As I began to contemplate having a baby, I learned that my skinny-mini self would not sustain an additional life. I began to consciously gain weight - healthy weight - by increasing my intake of all the good foods I was in the habit of eating (organic veggies, whole grains, chicken, fish, eggs, fruit).

Accepting my new "birth-ready" body was easy at first, even though I looked in the mirror and did not recognize myself naked. When I hit a speed bump on the road to pregnancy - 4 speed bumps actually in the form of 4 miscarriages, I gained a little more weight each time. After each miscarriage, it did become a challenge to accept my more weighty self because the extra weight I had diligently put on was clearly not working to keep a baby. Then, miracle of miracles, my 5th attempt held. Yay for the weight gain!

While pregnant with NG, I gained the "average" amount of weight for my age, height, pre-pregnancy weight , etc. (35 lbs), and I took pictures of my body in the mirror almost every day, marveling at the awe-inspiring changes. My body was no longer my own, but I accepted it wholeheartedly.

Now I can only fit into a handful of things - several maternity tops, one pair of maternity pants, my favorite Old Navy velour sweats that I luckily stocked up on (4 pairs). That's about it. If I have to dress professionally at all right now, that one pair of maternity pants will have to suffice.

I am packing a bunch of "I-can-almost-fit-into-these-and-maybe-in-just-another-month-they'll-fit" clothes just in case. Wishful thinking? Probably. But gone are the size 7/8 authentic Wyoming western jeans, gone are the size 6 J Crew skirts, gone are the size 8 Liz Claiborne suits, gone is the brown suede suit I had tailor made for me in Buenos Aires Argentina. And gone are all the Victoria Secret underthings I spent hundreds of dollars on to impress G. when we got started on this babymaking adventure in the first place.

These hips and belly have seen some pretty snazzy outfits in some pretty miniscule sizes. Ah, those were the days. Now on to the Wal-Mart specials in double digit sizes. And you know what? I'm actually okay with it. This body has produced our baby. This body is pretty damn awesome.

Never Say Never

I am learning the tough lessons of first time early motherhood - it ain't what you thought it would be. And now I have to reach into that Zen mind that I sought during pregnancy to accept the inevitable. In the "never say never" category, here are some things I have had to (or must) be at peace with...

10. I will never have a hospital birth.

9. I will never have an epidural or pitocin.

8. I will never let the nurses take baby away from my belly or let them interrupt those early minutes and definitely not let them bathe her.

7. I will never feed her anything but breast milk for her first year of life.

6. I will never introduce a bottle - she'll go from breast to cup.

5. I will never, ever, feed her formula.

4. I will never let my baby cry for more than a few minutes before checking on her.

3. I will never compare my baby with other babies.

2. I will never give up on breastfeeding.

1. I will never ever regret anything about motherhood...ever...

Sweet Baby Dumpling

It's official! Baby is a Dumpling!

NG weighed in at 9 pounds 6.1 ounces. The weight loss fears are finally behind us! She is filling out nicely, fitting into her clothes like the fashion plate she is ("how can you go wrong when you only dress me in every shade of pink, mommy?") and is just so heavy. I know, I know, they get heavier...

Went to my lactation consultant who is back from vacation (big sigh of relief). The main gist of the session was that we need to do what we feel works for us. At this point, I have purchased two bottles - Dr. Brown's and Playtex Drop Ins - and for now the latter seems to work for us. Honestly, G. has the hang of the bottle thing way better than I do. We started using them this week, mostly because the finger feeder has a hole and is leaking. Partly because 1 hour plus feedings in the wee hours was taking a toll on us both.

Yes, I was terrified to buy a bottle. I felt resigned to yet another step further away from breastfeeding. But with a clearer head (read: lots more rest thanks to G.), I can see that whatever is best for baby - given the circumstances - is best. Yeah, you bottle feeders out there will cheer while I expect many of the breasty's will cluck tongues. I am disappointed I can't join either club entirely. I'm in the Pump and Bottle club now with a little Nipple Shield on the side. Where's my posse? Let's hear a shout out for a year of pumping ahead!

Am I entirely giving up the breast? No way. We tried the nipple shield, and I mentioned how it was still cutting and irritating my nipples. NG latched on instantly and sucked away like a vampire. No problem on the silicone booby. Then after, I felt the stinging pain and saw the tiny red blood blisters.

Suddenly, my LC asked "Is she sucking the nipple all the way to the top of the shield?"

Hmmmm...I never noticed. Sure enough, she of the Hoover suck was doing just that - and let me tell you, my nipple is nearly flat and that shield nipple is awfully long. It appears that my nipple is ramming into the top of the shield where it is being sucked through the 4 tiny holes at the top causing the friction that creates the tiny round blisters that grow to larger blisters. Yikes! So it wasn't my imagination that the shield was hurting.

There is an option of cutting the nipple shield nipple down gradually although silicone can be sharp/jagged without the right cutting utensil. Anyone have any experience doing this? By doing this, NG can still latch on but without causing the blistering pain for me and maybe eventually transition to the breast on her own. All you nipple shield wielding women, please comment.

Bottom line: Baby is doing great, Momma is doing better and Daddy is always saving the day with his sweet ways. What more could a gal want?

Motherhood from Head to Toe

Baby plays on her play mat for quite a while considering babies have the attention spans of gnats. She is happy playing while I:

1. clear the table
2. wash the dishes
3. pick up the living room
4. soak the pump accessories
5. let the dogs in (and dry their paws)
6. wipe down the kitchen counters
7. make the bed (well, throw the comforter over everything)

But the minute I sit down for a quick blog posting, SQUAWK! She will have none of it. "Pay attention to me right now. And make it snappy!"

Here is the latest on how Mommy and Baby are doing - from head to toe. Most likely this post will take all day to compose even though under normal (baby-free) circumstances it would take all of five minutes.

Mommy from Head to Toe

Head - Haven't brushed my hair in days...weeks. Okay, months.

Brain - A little more rested but quite addled still and riding the mood swing waves. Useless for doing any work or at least anything that could generate an income.

Neck - Stiff. Bad sleeping and sitting postures accomodating baby.

Shoulders - Tense. Sore from holding baby. And she gets heavier. And heavier.

Arms - Aching but getting a little stronger.

Hands - Sore from performing breast compressions, especially my left thumb. Who knew massaging one's own breasts while pumping could really hurt one's hands. You just don't think about all the new muscles you are using in new and unusual ways.

Upper Back - Tense. Sore. Weak.

Breasts - Burning nipples (yes, back again), hot poker stabbing pains in the breasts (yes, back again). And suddenly a dip in milk production. Right breast barely eeks out a few drops but isn't engorged or feeling blocked. Left breast is hanging in there but tired and sore.

Belly - A little flatter every day, says G. Weak. Must strengthen to help back.

Nether Regions I (translation: Vagina) - Stinging on outside - midwife says stiches/tears are still healing (still?!). Stinging on inside - midwife says that cervix is still healing (still). Incontinence? Only when really really full and then only a trickle. Thank goodness for small miracles. I've heard it can be worse. Much worse.

Nether Regions II (translation: Butt) - Fine, thank you very much. Incontinence? No, but risky business allowing the bowels to get too full. Tell that to baby who seems to need immediate attention each and every time I head to the bathroom.

Low Back - Chronic pain but not crippling. I can now walk with only a slight limp. Still have trouble getting up out of bed or getting up out of a chair. But the stiffness and pain and out-of-whackness eases up slightly after walking around for a bit.

Hips - Still loose and a little wobbly.

Legs - Getting stronger. Need to be stronger to help with the unreliable low back.

Feet - Cold almost all the time. Trying to remember to wear socks. It is enough just to remember to pull on a pair of sweats in the morning so I don't freeze during early morning feedings. I was sleeping in my sweats but began sweating profusely, contributing to the overall stank of an unwashed new mom.

Did I mention baby cries for attention the minute I step in the shower as well? She has the "selfish" radar tuned in. Is mommy being selfish and trying to pee, poop, shower, pump, blog, or do anything else remotely not oriented around baby? Well, then, SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!

Baby from Head to Toe

Head - Still has her lovely head of hair. Pediatrician warned that many vaginal birth babies lose their hair within a few weeks but here she is, nearly 8 weeks (!?!) old and looking like she needs a hair brushing. Then again, no amount of brushing will set her punky spikes down until her hair has been dirty for a week. (Yes, we are currently bathing the beauty once a week. I'm afraid to do it solo and we always end up realizing she needs a bath at 10pm, too late to bother her with it.)

Brain - Holy cow, this girl is smart! And I'm not just saying that, really. And I'm not biased of course. She has us wrapped around her tiny pinky. She is the princess and knows it.

Mouth - Thrush free. Can also be seen in a mega-watt smile when not grimacing at close proximity to the breast. Yes, she is still refusing to nurse.

Neck - Strong. While she is still a bit of a bobblehead doll, she actually holds her head up and looks around far more than it bobbles.

Arms - A bit o' pudge.

Hands - Cold. All the time. Hmmm...should she be wearing mittens? Indoors?

Body - Pudging out. G. has been calling her a little TICK. Yes, affectionately of course. And it really seems to fit. Like a tick on a fat man, big and full.

We interrupt this program to bring you a glimpse of the cinnamon bun swirl of a belly button!

Now where were we...

Nether Regions I - Fine now that I know the white stuff is baby girl smegma and not some terrible build up from the lack of bathing.

Nether Regions II - Much much better since we got rid of the thrush. Looking lovely and not a bit pink or irritated.

Legs - Pudge is starting to form on her long, lanky legs.

Feet - Currently dressed up in giraffe print socks. She has the largest sock collection of anyone anywhere.

That is Mommy and Baby, in a nutshell.

Getting her kicks

What a difference 2 nights of sleeping for over 6 hours each can do for the morale.

I'm a totally different person today. I feel human. I feel like a mommy. I can look at NG and feel like we're doing great.

I put her to my breast this morning as she was dozing. She slept on it, mouth touching nipple, for 20 minutes. I then nudged her with it, trying to get her to breastfeed, but she utterly refused (without crying). And you know what? I was fine. I wasn't bummed out. I was just happy she was in such close proximity to it and that she was still comfortable.

Then I pumped and got 2 ounces from one breast and 1 ounce from another and my milk production is up - both from rest and from her just being close to the boob. It is a good thing.

We interrupt this program to bring you this video...

The Breast

And here I am so freaking freaked out because I cannot breastfeed, much less breastfeed in public, and this is what the world is coming to...

Eyeful of breast-feeding mom sparks outrage
"I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine," one person wrote. "I immediately turned the magazine face down," wrote another. "Gross," said a third.

(Babytalk magazine, breastfeeding cover)

Tacky Mommy

I wish I could say we were doing better but at the moment, we're just hanging in there. I guess NG is doing a little better. She now has a purple mouth from the gentian violet and it has provided her with far more relief in one dose than 3 doses of the nystatin. The naturopath suggested going with gentian violet and powdered acidophilus in her milk or formula for a few days to see how it goes before resorting back to the nystatin. I feel comfortable with that.

In an effort to take some time to truly appreciate my baby, I've been looking at her more closely, examining her tiny eyelashes and veiny lids, her little crooked pinky finger that is an inherited trait from my side of the family, at her little cinnamon bun swirl of a belly button. I've also been looking at the clothes I've been putting on my little baby girl and realize I have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever. Not only am I perpetuating the pink/girl stereotype to the nth degree, I'm also mixing and matching things with no rhyme or reason. Case in point:

Could she be more pink???

What is this? Stripes and flowers? Hmmm... this is surely one of those fashion Don'ts.

The Baby Gap onesie is sweet but paired with a ducky bib and the same pink socks I keep putting on her over and over again - because her feet don't sweat and she isn't walking on them so they must be clean, right? She's hiding her embarassment.

I went shopping today and did some "depression" purchases - things that I buy when I know I should not spend money but I'm depressed and somehow it cheers me up temporarily (until I see the bank balance). All pink things. But at least they were practical pink things with long sleeves. We live in Alaska for goodness sake - why the heck do we seem to only have short sleeved items for her?

So she is doomed to wear pink until she is old enough to say "Enough." And I'll keep dressing her like I dress myself - whatever fits, whatever is within reach and whatever is clean. Or clean enough.

If it ain't one thing...

from an email to my lactation consultant...

1. Went to the naturopath - she is great. We are working on getting NG to accept the breast again (NG will lick & nuzzle the nipple but utterly refuses to latch.) Naturopath is also working with me on post partum depression.

2. Milk flow is increasing! From 1 to 2 and now several times 3 oz !!! per pump session (both breasts, not each). Seeing acupuncturist 2x week for milk supply and pain (lower back/sacrum) relief.

3. As of yesterday, I seem to be getting CLOGGED DUCTS. Hard small lump, tenderness, not too red or hot. Trying to massage out while pumping. Will try warm compresses, too. Anything else?

4. It also seems we have THRUSH! NG's tongue is clear so I did not notice until yesterday afternoon but there are white patches that will not go away inside her mouth on the sides (hard to see unless she is crying with mouth open). She is also suddenly very fussy while feeding and afterwards. My nipples/areolas still sting and burn badly pretty constantly but moreso after pumpings or nipple shield feedings. Will call our pediatrician this morning.

I really hope we will be healthy & breastfeeding soon. Noa is now 6 weeks old.

QUESTIONS (I've been reading up on these things but looking for personal anecdotes):

1. Tips for clogged ducts?

2. Have you/baby had thrush and what did you do for it?

3. How did YOU get sleep during first 2 months? I know, I know - sleep when the baby sleeps - but I haven't been able to manage this one yet. And it seems when I do, she wakes up in a few minutes as if she senses I went to sleep (even when she is in a separate room). My last attempt yielded me 11 minutes of "rest."