babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

As the Boob Turns...

On a happy and positive breastfeeding note (since I already complained about loss of brain function below), NG only took 2 bottles yesterday. All other meals were via the boobs with minimal muss or fuss. This morning, she even took the left boob without the nipple shield - straight onto actual nipple.

After everything we've been through, this just seems like such a fascinating and amazing experience. For anyone who is new here and hasn't followed our breastfeeding saga, the Reader's Digest version is:

1. THE MASH: After NG latching on within the first hour or so after birth, later that night in hospital, a nurse mashed my nipple and areola between her fingers to shove the whole thing into NG's mouth. The result was a swollen mushy mess that NG couldn't latch onto and later resulted in edema (fluid behind the areola) and permanent disfigurement (misshappen puffy areola).

2. THE SLICE: On Day Two, lactation consultant hands sees swollen breast and hands me a nipple shield without giving me any instructions or checking to see if it fits. Learned nearly two months later that they come in 3 sizes and 2 versions - 16mm, 20mm, and 24mm and only 16mm and 20mm come in the "contact" version where part of the shield is cut away. The first time I used the nipple shield, it sliced both nipples open and blistered them as well.

3. THE ROCK: By Day 5 (Saturday), my right breast had not been drained and was hard as a rock, hot, swollen and totally red. Went to aforementioned lactation consultant who had me pump the breast in her office. She said I should pump but I didn't have one yet and couldn't rent one from the drugstore until the following week. I don't remember her telling me that I had to pump every few hours continuously in order to unclog my ducts. She did invite me back to the hospital on Sunday to pump if I needed. I did go - but only once. Didn't realize I should have just stayed there and pumped all day.

4. THE INFECTION: The right breast got infected. Wasn't diagnosed with mastitis until around Day 9 or 10. Put on antibiotics. Meanwhile, every single breastfeeding with NG was excruciating. I was bleeding, the pain was searing and constant (even when not feeding her), the sores on the nipples were also infected. Saw a new lactation consultant per midwife's recommendation who was so shocked by my breasts that she took photos. She helped get me on a pumping schedule to keep the breasts drained.

5. THE THRUSH: Antibiotics wreaked havoc on both me and NG. We got thrush which put a damper on breastfeeding although we both went on gentian violet and kept trying.

6. THE REJECTION: Eventually, NG said NO to the boobs. She began to scream hysterically at the very sight of them. I couldn't even get her near. At 3 weeks, she was nowhere near her birth weight and only started gaining when I introduced formula into her feedings. We were using a Finger Feeder which took an hour per feeding to try to prevent nipple confusion. She wasn't confused - she HATED the breast, and now I look back and think it was because it seemed to mean pain for me and starvation for her.

7. THE STRIKE: NG refused the breast from around the end of her 3rd week until about her 13th week. That is one stubborn baby. Introduced a bottle in the midst of the strike which was easier for all of us although it left me feeling defeated - that the hope for breastfeeding was probably over. Still, I wasn't ready to totally give it up.

And as of last Saturday, the breastfeeding began. I think part of her taking the boob is that I'm no longer in the constant pain from "injuries" sustained during labor. After having some granulation tissue removed from my perineum last week, the only pain I now have is back and hip-related. Being in intense and continuous pain for 3 months must have affected my chemistry. NG probably senses that I am feeling less pain and am therefore less stressed and the boob is more inviting to her because of it.

THE SWEETEST NOTE: Since breastfeeding for the last week - even though it is a new process to learn, can be a bit of a pain in the tit (not literally, just figuratively), and is confusing my body so it doesn't know yet how to manage this new powersucking of the milk - I am finally feeling bonded to NG.

I am almost certain a lot of that bonding is chemical, and because I'm so sensitive to any chemical or hormone coursing through my veins, I'm getting a big dose of "breastfeeding high" from the release of hormones. Much more powerful than what happens while pumping. NG seems to be feeling it, too, and after some of her feedings, she'll just gaze into my eyes and coos and smiles - not at all what she does after a bottle feed.

And my moods are a little better. I'm not 100%, but between taking more progesterone and the breastfeeding, I seem to be able to cope a little more with the day-to-day. Of course, don't talk to me in the evening when I hit a wall and crash. But for the most part, I think even my husband would agree that I've transitioned into a better place.

The family will be traveling for a while so I'll blog when I can. Will have the electric pump in tow, the nipple shield in hand, the boobs at the ready and some formula on the side to feed the baby however she'll take it.

Will the electric pump be allowed on the plane?
How will we survive pumping in flight?
Will the pump work in a foreign country?
Will we even need the pump?

Find out in the next installment of...Boob-a-licious!

Breastfeeding Kills Brain Cells

I'm sure there is a correlation between NG starting to breastfeed and the rapid deterioration of my brain capacity in the last week. Some ways I know my brain is not the same is I'm doing more of the usual "mommy mush brain" things. Such as:

1. Forgetting things on the stove and burning them.

2. Putting my navy blue sling in with NG's clothes and the entire load turns BLUE.

3. Pouring bleach into the blue wash to try to turn everything back to white but not knowing how much I just poured in so pouring in more and stinking up the whole house of bleach in the process. (The clothes did revert back to white, thank goodness.)

4. Forgetting her bottle several times when we went out this past week - hard to convince baby that mommy isn't trying to starve her even though she doesn't have her bottle and is not yet ready for prime time public breastfeeding.

5. Forgetting keys in the house when on the way to lactation consultant appointment and locking myself, NG and the dogs out in the freezing cold morning. (Walked down the block until I could find a neighbor who was home so we could stay warm until husband returned home to rescue us.)

6. Forgetting my nipple shield when we went to the lactation consultant which was the whole point of going in the first place in order to show her how I'm getting NG to the breast. (Luckily, LC had a stash of shields. NG refused to latch on while there, of course, because she didn't want an audience.)

7. Forgetting the dogs outside for hours and hours then looking around the house at some point wondering where the dogs went.

Not only has my brain capacity been reduced, but my appetite has increased noticeably in the last week. I am starving and thirsty all the time - very different from how I feel after pumping. Interesting... Anyone else experience any of the above?

The Finicky Eater

Well, fluke, not a fluke, not sure. Sometimes she'll take the breast and other times, only the bottle will do. I feel like we are unraveling some big mystery with secret codes, an undecipherable language and little clues along the way.

Each morning since "Boob Day," she has taken the breast with minimum fuss. I'm always shocked and surprised but pleasantly, of course. Then the rest of the day is hit or miss, usually a miss as she screams or pushes the boob away.

We think maybe she senses when there is enough milk for her - is this possible even before she tries to suck? And it is true - she rejects from arms length at the times when my milk production usually diminishes. In the mornings, it is at its peak.

The other interesting thing - she will stay on now for only about 5-6 minutes but seems totally full. I give her a bottle to top her off with some expressed b-milk and she seems to be eating but after a long while I notice she has barely nibbled an ounce out of it. So she isn't really that hungry after her fast feed. Can she really get that much - at least 3-4 ounces - in such a short time?

This is all so new again. Just when we had the bottle feedings figured out, suddenly she decides now and then that the boob is A-OK. Again, I'm still going with the flow but am curious if anyone has tips or ideas.

Even if she only breastfeeds in the morning and not the rest of the day, I'm good with that. Even if she stopped, it would be okay. But the fact that she is doing it does present a whole new set of questions.

Breastfeeding 2.0

Well, so far, it wasn't a fluke. NG is still taking from the breast. I breast fed her 5 times yesterday, sometimes switching breasts, sometimes only on the left (her preference). Most of the time, I did the nipple shield switcheroo, but a few times I didn't have to - she went straight for the boob.

The right one, however, is a challenge so I'm pumping it just to keep it soft and "empty."

This morning, I woke her, changed her diaper, warmed up a bottle just in case, then proceeded to put her onto the right breast. She fussed a moment, did the nipple shield switcheroo for a quick second, and she was on like a pro. Again, issues with the right breast so I gave her the bottle but she only took 1 ounce.

Ditto two hours later. I'm just playing it ear and watching her cues to see what's up. A little confusing right now, like I'm learning a whole new language after finally getting the other one down, but worth it.

Thank you for all the well-wishes here and by email! Who knew at 12 weeks a baby could actually go back to the breast?

She Breastfeeds!

Yes, the headline is true. NG just spent the last 30+ minutes breastfeeding. The real deal. Suckling on the boobies. Nipple in mouth, having breakfast. I'm not kidding. I have photos to prove it!

So here's what happened...

Went back to bed after pumping. Feeling totally depressed about things. Most prominently was thinking again about how NG won't breast feed.

I finally started talking to G. about it, and through a whole lot of jabbering, I finally said, "We had said we should use the nipple shield to get her on the breast then take it away to see if she'll breast feed and we haven't done it!"

G. said, "OK, then let's do it."

I heard NG waking up so went to her room to greet her and change her diaper, the usual morning routine. Then we brought her into the living room, bottle warming in hot water. I pulled out the nipple shield and stuck it on. As usual, NG latched onto it without a problem.

Then I quickly pulled the nipple shield away and put her on the nipple. And she sucked. And sucked. And sucked. She stayed on for quite a while, I tried to relax, take deep breaths and could barely see her through tears. G. was standing next to me, looking down at us, but I could not look up at him for fear that I'd ruin the moment.

She popped off and smiled. We went back and forth, shield to nipple, a few more times but she spent most of the time on the breast, and I didn't leave the shield on long enough to cause too much irritation.

Then I switched breasts. She didn't latch on as easily to the right nipple - this is the one that was damaged that first day in the hospital and had the worst bout of mastitis, and the shape has never been quite the same. But she finally figured it out and breastfed on the right breast, too.

We're going to try this again when she is hungry later. It suddenly occurred to me that since I haven't been breastfeeding since she was 3 weeks old, I don't know how to tell if she is full or if the breast is empty enough, and it is time to switch or what. But I'm not overthinking it.

We're just going with the (milk) flow...

She Pumps

It is 6:00am on a Saturday morning. I wanted to sleep in a liitle because NG is sleeping through the night pretty well for the last week. But I have missile boobs that are too unconfortable to sleep with. So I'm up, one-hand typing, too tired to mess with the hands-free.

NG must be going thru a growth spurt (a friend told me 3's and 6's. 3 weeks & 3 months, 6 weeks & 6 months). She does seem to be eating more, and I seem to be producing more milk per day. This is all a science in a way.

On the Pumping Moms list, some of the women referred to their lives as resembling the movie Ground Hog's Day. That is just how I feel. Over & over & over again.

It is 6:00am... I wanted to sleep in a liitle because NG is sleeping through the night pretty well for the last week.But I have missile boobs...

OneWebDay

In honor of OneWebDay, I am posting to all my blogs a little story about how I first got started on the Web...

True Story: In August 1994, I was held up at gunpoint on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and kidnapped with a friend. Three guys, three guns. They took us down the block at gunpoint to the nearest ATM machine to take out money. It was dark and suddenly there was nobody on the street except for us. Long story short, we escaped, and I lived to tell the tale.

I left New York City for a month to regroup. Went to Santa Fe to visit my sister who was living there at the time. Now I'd been going online in one form or another since 1987 when I bought my first computer - an Amstrad 1640 dual floppy (no harddrive). The IBM of the UK, I was told when I bought it. I also purchased a modem (1200 baud?) and learned how to access local BBSs - bulletin board systems or computers in somebody's room or basement.

After I realized I could chat with others online and discovered the wonders of e-mail, I began networking with other women through America Online (which at the time was the smallest of the 3 big commercial online services - Prodigy was #1, CompuServe #2) and Women's Wire (which had almost 1000 members at the time). I also started consulting clients about Internet communications and marketing. This was 1992.

So back to Santa Fe, December 1994. I learned about the Web when I saw an ad in the local arts paper. "Discover the World Wide Web" said the ad. I had no idea what the World Wide Web was but I saw an e-mail address. E-mail I knew. So I e-mailed a query and found out that a guy was teaching a class on HTML in town. I took a 2 hour class for $10 in basic HTML and was immediately an expert. Well, in that amount of time, I learned all there was to learn - it was so easy back then.

I began building web sites and published my first one when I got back to NYC in January 1995. I called it "The Web According to Cybergrrl." I had decided not to use my real name online because I wasn't sure who was reading (we've come a long way, baby). So I drew a cartoon character of myself and called her "Cybergrrl" - "Cyber" because I had read and loved William Gibson's book "Neuromancer" where he coined the term "cyberspace" and "grrl" because I wasn't a "girl" and it was sort of a nod to the Riot Grrrl movement.

That month, I began pounding the pavement looking for clients for the new business I dreamed up - Web consulting. I called the company CGIM which stood for Cybergrrl Internet Media. I was wary of calling my company Cybergrrl because I wanted to be taken seriously in the decidedly male-dominated tech industry. Within a few months, everyone was calling me Cybergrrl anyway. My first client was the brand new New Media Director at the New York Times who would sneak me into his office after hours to teach him how to surf the Web and set up an account with an ISP because he knew CD-Roms but didn't know the first thing about the Internet.

My personal web site quickly became Cybergrrl.com, Cybergrrl, Inc.'s first official site for women followed by Webgrrls.com which had started out as an old-fashioned blog - literally a Web Log listing women's web sites around the world. Then we built the first searchable directory of exclusively web sites for women and girls called Femina.com in direct response to the fact that searching for "women" or "girls" on Yahoo.com at the time yielded nothing but pornography. Yeah, this was back in the day when Yahoo was just a side project for two kids in college and Cybergrrl was the most popular women's web site.

About a year later, Women's Wire went online with Women.com (I had approached them in early 1995 to help put them on the Web but they didn't have see the point at the time). Half a year after that, Candice Carpenter and Nancy Evans put up iVillage.com (I had lunch with them a few months before their launch and then held Webgrrls meetings at their offices after they debuted). Both were well-funded endeavors while Cybergrrl started as just me, my PowerBook and some hot pink business cards.

People ask why I'm not a millionaire if I started at the beginning of this whole Web thing and am known as the "woman who pioneered the Web for other women." The honest answer is two-fold:

1. I never set out to make a million - I was just hoping to pay my bills. Like so many women, I just wanted to do a good thing and love what I do. I figured the money would follow. I didn't take a salary for the first few years then took about half of what the receptionist made after.

2. I had a business partner who had a totally different vision for the company than I did. We clashed all the time. I finally walked away from the company and never saw a dime after that. I was able to continue to refer to myself as "The Original Cybergrrl" and "Founder of Webgrrls International," but I lost all of it.

Such is life. And that, in a nutshell, is my early Web story.

Food Solutions

Does anyone have any good ideas, tips, recipes or products so I can easily make lunches and dinners? With baby in a sling? Or with baby crying in the background? Or with baby needing most of my attention? Anyy suggestions would be much appreciated. I've been doing cans of soup and frozen lasagna by Michael Angelo's. What else??

I Pump, Therefore I Am

I'm starting a whole new category here - Boob-a-licious - to cover all things boob and pump-related because I feel I'll have a books-worth of stories to share soon enough.

But first, 10 Things No One Told Me About Pumping...

10. That there was any such thing as pumping your breasts to get breastmilk because there was a possibility baby just wouldn't do it.

9. That my days of being protective of my breasts because I've had fibrocystic cysts for years was now over and that I'd be manhandling them daily.

8. That there was something called an Electric Breast Pump and that it wasn't the name of a punk rock band.

7. That my breasts could actually bend and twist in odd directions when I'm trying to balance the bottles on my lap so I can type while pumping since I'm sometimes too lazy to put on my hands-free make-shift pump bra.

6. That there was something called a hands-free pump bra until I finally learned there was something called pumping your breasts for breastmilk.

5. That I'd actually say every 2-4 hours per day "I've got to pump" and make a dutiful beeline to my pump.

4. That I'd buy a vehicle power adapter and actually pump in the car (so far only while G. is driving, not while I'm driving...)

3. That I'd be keeping a Pump Diary every day and looking at this whole pumping experience in terms of numbers i.e. getting those ounces up.

2. That I'd be finding creative ways to eat more oatmeal to increase my breast milk production - oatmeal with brown sugar and half & half, oatmeal cookies, oatmeal breakfast bars, oatmeal in meatloaf (yes, really).

1. That even with flanges and bottles attached to my nipples, my husband still thinks I'm sexy.

Fantasy / Reality

Continuing along the lines of my Never Say Never post, here are a few more things I thought I'd do or never do but I've also included reasons, rationales and excuses...

Fantasy #1: I will definitely use cloth diapers.

Reality: I was thinking that right after the meconium was out of NG's system, I'd be all over those cloth diapers. I did massive research to find the ones best suited for us and even had the owner of Birch Tree Baby in our town come over for a personal consultation to show me the options and explain how to use them.

We are in NG's 11th week, and I'm still nowhere closer to using the cloth diapers I spent almost $200 on getting. I had picked out Chinese tri-fold hemp diapers for daytime with water resistent covers, pocket insert style for night time for greater absorbancy and all-in-ones for her diaper bag for a quick and comfy change on the road.

They are all still in the bag they came in.

Let's face it. I am too exhausted to deal with learning how to put them on or dealing with washing them right now. I'm lucky to get a load of her clothes in a few times a week. The last thing I can put on my "things to do" list is use a cloth diaper. Maybe someday I'll have more resolve for saving the environment.

Fantasy #2: My baby will never wear goofy bibs.

Reality: Who knew a baby could spit up and soak their outfits over and over and over again? If it weren't for bibs, I'd be doing several loads of laundry a day. Hurray for bibs! The bigger and thicker the better. And the fact that most bibs come with goofy images and sayings? Oh well, such is life. NG proudly wears "I'm Cute. Buy Me Something" or "Big-Time Drooler," and doesn't seem damaged or scarred for life.

And for anyone looking for cool bibs - because they do exist out there but it just isn't in our budget to buy them right now - here are some places to look:

Bathroom Girls by Yvonne Mojica

Katalyst Kids

funky baby

Kool Roomz

Sparkability

Fantasy #3: I will breastfeed until she is at LEAST one year old.

Reality: Well, many of you know the reality of my breastfeeding woes. After 3 weeks of excruciating pain and NG relating breastfeeding to mommy sobbing and baby starving, she is now 8 weeks into her full-on boob rejection campaign.

Just yesterday, we thought we'd put her to the breast because she was doing some intense sucking of anything that got near her mouth. But the moment she was near the breast, it was screaming, squirming and all around freaking out. Ixnay on the Oob-Bay. Of course, if I want blood blisters on my nipples, I can always use the nipple shield again since she seems to love latching on to that. Go figure.

Until she decides that the boob might be comforting or at least good for a quick snack (we can still hope), she is taking her bottle like a champ and getting about 6 breastmilk bottles and 1 or 2 nighttime formula with a little b-milk bottles.

She is consuming about 25-30 ounces per day. I am pumping almost 20 ounces per day. Wow! I remember back in August when I was lucky to get 1-2 ounces per session. Now I'm up to 4-6 ounces on some sessions, 2-3 on others. Boy, how time flies when you're pumping your boobs.