I don't know if anyone else knew this and I'm just the only one in the dark about completely logical things that can happen to one's body during the transition from pumping to not pumping. But being totally oblivious, I was once again hit upside the head with the two-by-four reality called Motherhood.
After putting myself through the emotional torture debating whether or not to stop pumping, then stopping and really feeling okay about it (relieved, actually), something happened that I did not expect. I found myself barely treading water in the deep end of the Post Partum Depression pool again. It was sudden, unforgiving and powerful.
One afternoon, I was thinking "Wow, today I really feel like ME. I feel...NORMAL." Then at breakfast the next morning, I was completely losing my shit, seething at G. between gritted teeth, throwing a glass across the room hoping it would shatter and being even more pissed off when it bounced off the living room carpet unbroken. I needed glass shards flying through the air to express my uncontrollable anger because I could not find the words and even as I tried, they stopped in my tightly clenched throat, mangling with an unreleased scream. Needless to say, it was awful not only for me, but for G. who didn't understand what was going on. I had just started my period so tried to attribute it to PMS, but it was so out of control that I wasn't sure.
The only thing I could do was try to get through the day and put in calls to my practitioners for help. My naturopath called me back, and we had a good talk about what it could be. Yes, it could be PMS but more likely, it was the hormone readjustments occurring since I stopped pumping. It wasn't in my head - it was physical. Because I had stopped pumping, she was able to recommend something called Women's Phase I from Vitanica to help with the turbo-PMS-like symptoms.
She also commented that she was glad I had stopped pumping because she could finally really treat ME and not have to worry about what I might pass through breast milk to NG. She had never made a judgment call on whether or not I pumped. She had only told me how beneficial it was but also was concerned about my mental and physical health.
I started on the additional herbs, but I was still going crazy. A few days later, unable to reach her, I tried my reproductive endocrinologist who suggested going back on progesterone from Day 10 of my cycle to Day 2 of my next one. She thought my "brain needed to be reset" to get back on track with producing the right amount of the right hormones. She said usually she recommends going on Zoloft for 3 months, but she acknowledged that I wanted to try to stick to the "natural route."
I'm still wanting to speak with my naturopath to make sure this is the way to go. I have to say that since I've been on my trip to Oregon - since I left Alaska for our trip - I have felt better. Not 100%, not back to the place where I was feeling like ME, but definitely better than before. Could be the Women's Phase I kicking in a bit. Could be the hormones naturally evening out post-pumping.
I just wish I had known, though of, been told, anticipated that the changes in my hormones from putting a kabosh to the pumping would possibly have such an effect on me. Maybe I could have done some preventative stuff so it didn't take an angry outburst with a glass thrown across the room to catch our attention.
I'm wondering if anyone out there who has stopped breastfeeding or pumping has also experienced freaky hormonal mood swings. Or is it something that happens only if you've already been struggling with hormone induced anger and anxiety?
I never BF or pumped - I went straight to formula for personal reasons. So, I can't really say for sure if your reaction was due to the stopping of pumping. However, what I do know is that you are changing your hormonal environment by stopping the pumping, so it makes sense that this could happen to you. And, as your body gets used to not pumping, the reaction should subside. Your body takes so long to adjust to PG in the first place, it would not be surprising that it would the same as you give birth and end BF/pumping.
Glad to see that your medical professionals respect your wish to take a natural path to the anxiety and anger. I hope you can continue this way and feel better - and more yourself again.
Posted by: Tina | June 25, 2007 at 11:29 AM
Oh yeah, it seems like most everybody I've talked to about weaning had some sort of emotional upheaval as a result that was probably tied to the hormones. It'll settle down naturally on its own. Glad you are feeling better already.
Posted by: Eva | June 25, 2007 at 04:05 PM
Oh, geez... I don't have any personal experience with that yet, but I'm not surprised that a serious hormonal readjustment would occur. I'll consider myself warned.
Your naturopath sounds awesome! How great of her to be totally, honestly supportive and non-judgemental of your wish to continue pumping for NG, until you decided that it was the right time for you to stop. I just love that! And it's encouraging that she is looking forward to proceeding with your treatment in such a positive way. I hope it's not too long before you are feeling completely well (and completely you!) again, for good.
Posted by: Meggan | June 26, 2007 at 07:23 AM
I didn't have any hormonal shifts when I quit pumping. I didn't get engorged, and dried up pretty quick. Sorry to hear it has been so hard on you. I personally found it very liberating to quit, and was thrilled to have my body back to myself after pregnancy and pumping. I hope your hormones even out soon.
Posted by: Lynnette | June 26, 2007 at 10:18 AM
Same thing happened to me when I stopped breastfeeding my son when he was 7 months old. I think I'd been battling with PPD, but was not completely falling apart. When I stopped BFing, I fell apart. Suicidal, horrible, PPD. That is the first time I got treatment.
Posted by: Amy | June 26, 2007 at 11:22 AM
I was barely producing any milk for the last few months that I pumped, so not sure if that is why I didn't have any reaction when I stopped pumping. It was such a sweet relief to not have to carve out chunks of the day to produce 1/10 of an ounce.
OTOH, I am pregnant again (my daughter is almost a year and the new baby will be 19 months younger) so who knows what will happen next time!
Posted by: Katherine | June 26, 2007 at 11:43 AM
What you experienced is COMPLETELY normal for many women. Yes, when you go cold turkey, you'll have a significant shift in hormones. Prolactin, estrogen, all of it. AND, you aren't getting your "high" from the oxytocin, which I think is habit forming. Once I stop pumping and breastfeeding (I only make about 5 ounces a day), I'm going to miss that buzz.
Anyway, don't feel bad about the change in mood. Just try to replace the calming cuddly effects of letdown with something else, like vigorous exercise.
Posted by: Micaela | June 27, 2007 at 12:27 PM
I feel ok, but I have had the worst acne. So my hormones are doing something wrong...
Posted by: seepi | June 28, 2007 at 03:32 AM
I bf and pumped as well. My DD is 18mths old now.
I felt exactly the same way as you described. I became a Monster wife from HELL and I suffered from major depression, always bursting out into tears and lashing out for nothing!
It will pass eventually..took me 6mths though *humpf*
Posted by: Selina | June 29, 2007 at 10:18 PM
Your article shows how important is the breastfeeding to their babies. I am very thankful to you sharing such kind of useful information for women.
Grace Huggins D
Owner - Breast Pump Reviews
Posted by: Grace Loves Breast Pump | May 24, 2011 at 09:50 PM
yeah i have heard of others who have gone through this. you are not alone
Posted by: Chinta | September 12, 2011 at 07:26 AM