babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

Baby's New Do - And Great Looking Eyes

NG has a new haircut, compliments of her Dad and the slip of the scissors. She is thrilled though - she hates her bangs in her eyes.

Note her eyes are straight! Surgery seems to have worked well. After all the heart-wrenching worry, I'm really pleased with the results.

And notice the barely visible injury on her right eyebrow - healing so nicely! That's because we opted to wait for her eye doctor/surgeon to stitch up the huge gash in her brow. It was another dose of general anesthesia which just freaks my world, but it was the right decision.

Making these kinds of decisions as a parent are one of the worst things about parenting. You never know if you are doing the right thing. But I am so grateful/relieved that this has all worked out to date.

Anesthesia Aggression

It has been a hellacious week. And I have the battle wounds to prove it.

NG had a successful strabismus correction surgery last Monday. After the initial shock of it all and nursing a baby in pain, we all finally settled down into the usual chaos of getting ready to move.

She returned to daycare last Friday and attended on Monday. On Tuesday, I brought her to daycare and right before I left, she took a spill.

And hit her brow on the leg of a table.

And split open her eyebrow.

We rushed her to the emergency care clinic. The doctor there said she would need stitches but that he didn't have a plastic surgeon on board so we'd be taking our chances and would have to hold her down as she struggled.

Plastic surgeon?

I immediately called her eye surgeon who gave us 2 options:

1. meet her at the emergency room and take our chances that we can get the procedure done without too much of a battle on NG's part;

2. schedule day surgery for later in the day, put her under general anesthesia, and let the doctor perform the stitching without any struggle.

We opted for #2. But that meant keeping NG calm and without food or drink all day. She ate breakfast at 8am and surgery was scheduled for 5pm.

It was incredibly stressful trying to placate a toddler who was starving, thirsty and nursing a gash on her brow. Not to mention taking her to her 2nd surgery in a week's time.

We were emotionally spent as we went to the recovery room to see her. It took all of my energy not to collapse into a puddle of pee on the floor. Surgery went well. Double layer of stitches. Gash was to the bone.

Our 80-year-old neighbors invited us to dinner after the surgery which was a saving grace. Then NG proceeded to projectile vomit all over me. Poor thing. We washed our clothes in their washing machine and I ended up putting on half-wet jeans because it was getting late and we had to get back to our hotel to sleep. We were near incoherence at that point.

Then, the aggression.

The next day, NG was horrible. Aggressive. Angry. She clawed at my face (hence the battle wounds). She tried to push me off the toilet as I was trying to pee, screaming "I go potty first, not you!!!!" She fought me. Talked back. Screamed a high pitch ear drum shattering scream. If she could have killed me, I think she would have tried.

My first thought was that it was the anesthesia but I had never heard of this. I called my naturopath and left a message for advice.

By the time I met G. for lunch with NG in tow, I was shaking uncontrollably. He saw my distress (nice when husbands are observant) and offered to take NG to her eye doctor appointment.

G. found out that yes, the aggression was indeed caused by the anesthesia still in her system. It would take 3-4 days to get out of her system.

We're on Day 3. Wish us luck.

At the surgery center

Brought my iPhone to the surgery center as we wait for NG's eye surgery to correct strabismus. Surgery started at 7:30am and will last over an hour. Brought food to snack on and sipping coffee while trying not to focus on my fear.

I'm actually not afraid of the surgery or of the risks to her eyes or eyesight. I am afraid of the anesthesia. Like I said to G, I can handle having a blind child. I can't handle a dead one.

But enough of the morbid thoughts. I hope we chose to do the right thing. In August, her eye surgery was cancelled because her eyes stopped crossing the night before the surgery. Yesterday, her eyes were crossing like crazy. This morning they were straight. But they are proceeding.

Just last week I learned that once she has the surgery, she will probably need it again at some point in her life. Without it, her brain would eventually ignore one of her eyes, affecting her sight and depth perception.

But still I hope we made the right decision to operate. If something goes wrong, I don't think I could handle the guilt.

This is not about me. This is about her and about us. This is about my family and my baby girl.

A Bad Dream

As the date of NG's eye surgery nears (Sept 10), I'm suppressing fears in order to stay on track, stay focused and productive, stay sane.

This morning, I was up again at 4am. This time, I forced myself back to sleep (yesterday, I just got up and started working). Then I had a bad dream.

My dream was that NG needed her bangs cut but she wouldn't let me so I took her to the hair salon. They wheeled her into a back room - immediate after a dog and a cat which I thought was cute but odd.

Then I left her there to go to a luncheon and spent too long fighting over how to split the bill amongst 30+ people. It was frustrating and ridiculous.

I headed back to the salon - not sure why I left her there in the first place - but she was gone. I couldn't find her anywhere. I had lost NG.

I'm sure this dream is just expressing some of my big fears:

1. The biggest: Losing her during eye surgery;

2. The less big but still significant: Losing out on quality time with her because I'm working so much.

I can't do anything about #1 but I really do think I"m trying very very hard to spend quality time with her and taking the time to appreciate how great she is. She is so cool now, fun, funny, smart.

And I have to say that it has taken a good solid two years to be able to fully appreciate this amazing little girl. I can't kick myself for being in the dark and frightening grip of post partum depression for so long. I have to keep repeating that it was not my fault.

But there is such a huge difference between last year and this year. Even last month and this month. I feel a lot less impatience. Well, except for 2 days ago when she was babbling and chattering away when I was trying to hear Hillary Clinton's speech at the Democratic Convention. We rarely watch TV but NG chose that moment to be the most talkative she has ever been.

Maybe it was the sips of Chai I gave her earlier that day. I think she was caffeinated which is quite the experience for a 2-year-old.

"Mommy Look At Me! MommyLookATMe. LookAtMe!"

"Honey, please be quiet for a few minutes. This is history in the making right now. Listen to Hillary speak."

"Mommy Look At Me! MommyLookATMe. LookAtMe!"

Okay, whatever NG has to say each day is history in the making in its own way. And me stopping to listen is capturing that history.

I have to just keep telling myself to BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE.

Baby Resting, Mommy Dying for a Drink

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

OK, does it mean I'm an alcoholic because I've wanted a drink since returning from the hospital at around 1:00 in the afternoon? I haven't had one yet, mind you, but am still eyeing the opened bottle of wine on the kitchen counter.

Baby is resting. I feel compelled to check on her to make sure she is breathing. She did fine in the MRI, as well as can be expected for a 2-year-old who is totally freaked out by her surroundings, the strangers poking needles into her, the machines beeping, the florescent lights - who wouldn't be freaked?

I tried to remain in that middle zone between calm and cheery but think I was more somewhere on the side of quietly hysterical. G. was doing his own freaking out and it turned into a bit of a spat while we waited in the hospital room with NG playing on the floor as the Versed kicked in.

I had pulled out my cellphone to shut it off and decided to do a very quick text message to Twitter where my Twitterfriends were aware of the MRI.

"What are you doing?" G. asked.

I could feel my knee-jerk reaction starting to jerk.

"Are you texting?" G. asked.

"Yes," I said, not offering up any more information because I was in the "why can't I do anything without having him ask me what I am doing and who I'm doing it to" mode.

"Who are you texting?" he asked and mentioned one of my girlfriend's names.

"No," I replied, digging in my figurative heels because I was getting pissy that I always have to explain what I'm doing, who I'm talking to, etc. etc. etc.

Next thing I know, we're bickering. He is telling me how disrespectful I am being for texting in front of him but more importantly for not telling him who I was texting. I retorted that not only was it disrespectful for him to ask me who I was texting, that it was totally inappropriate for him to be picking a fight while we are supposed to be cheery and positive in front of NG and to stop it immediately.

Of course, he did not stop. I think he has some weird trigger inside that once he starts, he just can't stop badgering me - especially when I ask him, then beg him, then order him, then scream hysterically at him to stop.

Luckily, this time I kept my cool and kept saying  "You really just need to stop saying those things right now" over and over in a sing song voice (probably sounding like a totally insane person which is why his next line is usually "obviously your medication isn't working.")

Of course, he did not stop because he needed to get another word in. And he did. Then I reminded him once again to stop. Then he glared at me as if I was totally insane and drew his finger and thumb over his lips in a zipping motion as if to say "you're the one who has to stop talking." So I did and we tried to be cheery and positive for NG but I was seething inside.

Why pick this exact moment to fight? The only explanation I have is that he was so stressed out that everything was freaking him out and the same was happening with me.

Out of character for me, I apologized. I tend not to apologize when I don't feel I'm wrong but am learning that it ultimately doesn't matter who is right or wrong because the apology is the only real key to forgiveness that goes both ways. What a big lesson but a good one. Karma points for that one.

When I apologized, he didn't say anything.

"I said I'm sorry," I pressed on. He finally apologized back which I'm sure he did not want to do because he didn't think he was wrong.

"It is just disrespectful to be on the phone or text someone else secretly in front of someone," he added.

"Disrespect goes both ways," I retorted. He agreed.

All this, I'm sure, in avoidance of the reality that our baby girl was being stuck with an IV needle and hooked up to machines and although drunk on Versed was not enjoying the ordeal one bit.

We headed down to the imaging center. They said one of us could go in and hold her while she was being sedated. I wanted it to be me and didn't want it to be me. I thought I should see as she lost consciousness and be there with her. But I also was afraid to see it.

When G. went to hand her to me, she cried for her Daddy. I had two immediate thoughts:

1. We have to keep her calm and happy and it is okay if she wants her Daddy instead.
2. She doesn't want me but I'm almost glad it isn't me that has to go in.

To keep my mind off of things, I watched television and got to see The Daily Show with Jon Stewart for the first time (we don't have cable). Now THAT is my kind of funny. Then we watched The Colbert Report, also very funny. G. joined me soon after NG was sedated, and we laughed at the political humor.

Within an hour, they were done and she was wheeled back to her room. She reminded me of Sleeping Beauty with her pale translucent skin and delicate features, save the oxygen mask and tubes and cables running into and from her tiny body.

She woke up in fits, was cranky and very unhappy, impatient with the IV in her hand and pulse monitor on her finger, and all around upset about the whole damn thing. Who could blame her? G. held her in his lap as she came out of grogginess and went straight to anger. But she did manage to wolf down some scrambled eggs, waffle, some yogurt and milk.

On the way home, she wanted me to turn around in my seat and hold her hand. Then she wanted crackers and initially refused the Goldfish crackers I gave her. Practically back to her bossy self but with a lot of uncharacteristic crankiness thrown in.

Now she is napping, and I'm thirsty. Wine. Or beer. Beer or wine?

You don't think I'm an alcoholic, do you?

MommyUtterz: Baby MRI & Pending Surgery

More on the crossing eye...

And the family that patches together...

Yes, her left eye is patched in this photo. We're actually patching her right eye to strengthen her left/crossing eye (even though in another photo her right eye is crossing) but right before I took this photo, she took off the patch and put it on the other eye. Basically, I'm going crosseyed myself from these confusing things but trying to keep it all straight.

More Eye Crossing News

I did a quick MommyUtterz about NG's eye issue.

And NG joined in for a little BabyUtterz, too!

Crossed Eyes, Goopy Tears & Big Time Snot

I mean come on already - how much more yucky gunky stuff can come out of a baby's orifices? I'm sure I haven't seen the end of the diarrhea, the snot dripping down to the chin and the eye goo, but let's give the baby a break for a while, shall we?

Went to the pediatric opthamologist and had NGs crossed eyes checked. Of course, they did not cross a single time while we were there. It didn't help that she has massive doctor's office terrors because of getting shots at her regular pediatrician. But it did help that the eye doctor was fantastically patient and persistent and had all kinds of tricks up her sleeve like bells and whistles and barking dogs - literally.

Luckily, G. showed up before the appointment was over and happened to have a photo on his cell phone that showed NG's eyes crossing a bit. At least the doctor knows I'm not crazy. Or at least not in this case. I have since forwarded a number of photos I've taken that also show the crossing. We are in a wait-and-see pattern with an appointment mid-April to see how her eyes are looking. One solution might be patches. Another is glasses. And yet another...surgery. We won't go there right now.

The doctor also noticed NG's goopy eye. She seems to get it whenever she has a cold but also seems to get it often after going to the gym playcenter like it is some common infectious thing on the surfaces of public childplay areas. She mentioned it could be a blocked tear duct. Solution if it is? Surgery. And we won't go there either.

The snotty-ness? I'm now going to chalk it up to dairy so I've put her on enriched rice milk starting yesterday to see if we get some relief for her. In the meanwhile, I'm chasing her around the house with a warm, wet washcloth to clean the green boogers off her face. I'm probably more bothered by it than she is at this point.

Will report back on how the dairy cut-back is working. Any other thoughts? Suggestions? Similar experiences?

The Wandering Eyeball

I've started a category - Baby Wellbeing - because we seem to be encountering all these health blips in NG's short life that I wanted to keep them together. I say blips because they aren't so serious, but they are things that I know nothing about, and we're having to learn about them.

The latest thing: NG is going cross-eyed. It isn't extremely pronounced. In fact, during most of the day, it isn't even happening. But the last couple of mornings, I thought she was crossing one or both eyes. At first, I brushed it off as either looking at her at an odd angle, me seeing things and tapping into that Paranoid Mommy within, or that she was just looking at me funny.

Then the other day, our babysitter noticed.

"Do you see something funny about her eyes?" she asked.

"Funny? What do you mean?"

"She's been crossing her eyes, and at first I thought she was doing this on purpose..."

NG looks over at me, and sure enough, her right eye is looking right at me while her left eye is looking at her nose.

Hmmm...better call the pediatrician, I think. Yesterday, I called and was told to "call an eye specialist right away." She gave me two names and numbers of the pediatric eye doctors in town and one happened to be the eye specialist I saw when NG scratched my cornea.

I called right away thinking "No need to panic. I've heard this happening before and there are lots of things they can do to help her."

Unfortunately, the earliest they could get me in isn't until April 2. I made the appointment then stewed the rest of the day.

I'm calling on Monday to:

a. Ask if there isn't any way they can squeeze her in earlier.
b. Ask if someone from their office can call me back with reassurances that waiting that long won't have any adverse affect on her eyes or vision.
c. Call the other doctor my pediatrician recommended to see if they have an earlier opening (my pediatrician said this was the harder one to book).

Am I being Paranoid Mommy? And have any of you had babies with wandering eyeballs?