babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

I Want to Be Sedated

OK, for those of you who don't know it, the title for this post is the name of a song by the seminal punk rock band The Ramones. I'm not actually saying I want to be on drugs because with this lack of sleep, I already feel like I am on drugs.

But what I do want is some relief from this rejection. The Nursing Strike (or Boob Rejection as I like to call it) is going into its 5th or 6th day (so sue me if I have my dates wrong - minutes blend into hours, hours into days, days into one another).

Negotiations have been under way but both sides remain stubborn. On the Mommy side, she has been trying to "coax" and "seduce" the Baby back to the breast but 95% of the time, the Baby is tight lipped and bursts out into hysterical crying if pushed too hard.

Baby pulls the "Oh My God, it is the BREAST BEAST!" card - eyes wide with alarm, mouth flung open letting out shrieks of terror, red and pinched face in an expression of both fear and disgust. The Mommy feels the pain of rejection over and over again, inducing tears which the Mommy must swallow back and replace with a fake calm and happy face.

The Mommy has pulled out a new tactic, one that may reinvigorate negotiations that are currently at a standstill. She is making happy, funny faces and sounds each time the Baby is even remotely near the Boob. It is a game! It is fun! Breast is best! Look at that happy Booby!

The Baby is confused. Happy Booby? Wasn't it just last week that the Breast was a tense and awful experience? What is all this laughter and goo goo eyes even when I barely touch my lips to that scary nipple? What does it mean? I'm so confused I'm going cross eyed.

Three days ago, there was a nearly 5 minute latch and all hopes rested on those calm and peaceful moments. Then back to the fighting, kicking, screaming and punching (the Baby, not the Mommy, of course). Two days ago, out of the blue - a 9 minute latch and just as the negotiators breathed a big sigh of relief, the Baby decided the terms were not to her liking and pitched a fit.

If I didn't play this like a game, I would truly be in the deepest pit of self pity, wallowing until I had no more energy. And then I would drown. I try to cry when she cannot see or hear me which is difficult because I'm with her nearly 24/7 and all I want to do is cry.

But instead, I put on the happy face and try to exude the Mellow Mama vibe. At this point, the Lactation Consultant's assistant is saying things like "You did the best you could" as if I'm ready to give up. "I haven't given up!" I had to say with conviction to get her to shift gears and be more encouraging.

Even G. is telling me all these stories about people who were formula fed and came out okay and women who have had trouble breastfeeding and now bottle feed. I finally told him I don't need to hear about those things right now. I need to hear "You can do it!" and "She'll latch on soon - don't worry!"

On a Happy Happy Note: At about a month since birth, NG is up to her birth weight and beyond. G. thought she'd be 7 lbs 3 oz and I guessed 7 lbs 4 oz. Well, drum roll please.......she is 7 lbs. 6.6 oz.

Despite what I think of formula feeding, it is certainly fattening her up. Her little face is filling out, her limbs are less scrawny and she is starting to fit into her clothes. G. says that I should focus on the fact that her weight is up and she is healthy.

I know, I know I should. But all I keep thinking of is how she is rejecting me and my breasts. Well, back to the negotiations.

false alarm

hope? who said I was feeling hopeful?

what a difference a few hours can make.

I am wondering - what hurts more? Nipple and breast pain or heartache? I can't decide.

I know it took 2 weeks of stressful, painful, upsetting breast feedings for NG to turn away from the breast. So maybe it will take 2 weeks of non-stressful, non-painful and relaxing attempts at breast feeding for NG to come back to the breast.

Until then, all it takes is the sight of a boob for her to lose her little shit, screaming and crying and flailing (even when swaddled). She is clearly hating the boob right now, even when I dribble milk into her mouth, speak to her soothingly, rock, sing softly, give her gentle encouraging words and even when the milk flows into her mouth.

She just seems to gag and push away, milk spilling down her cheek and chin, angry with the world for shoving a breast in her face.

If this is a love/hate relationship, she is definitely feeling the hate right now.

And I try to find my inner calm sweet mommy and not get discouraged or feel rejected or worse yet - that I caused all of this and should have read something more/asked something sooner/known something to make it better faster.

I just keep having these sudden crying jags, not knowing what else I can do and trying to remind myself that it takes time. It takes time.

Free at Last

The last of our guests are gone!

I will stay in bed all weekend.

After reading the info about maintaining milk supply at:

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/maintainsupply-pump.html

I freaked out because I misread it and thought I was past the point of being able to recover my lost milk supply. I started freaking when it said by now my milk supply should be around 27 ounces per day.

Mine is at 3-4 ounces per day (barely an ounce per pumping session - and that is after pumping BOTH breasts).

I felt hopeless, helpless, horrible.

Now, even though my situation SOUNDS hopeless, I'm determined to get this milk flowing by the gallon.

Having the house to ourselves will make all the difference in the world.

It is pouring rain outside - it has been pouring all day and will all weekend long. That should be my metaphor for this time - POURING. Bring on the milk!

PS - After 4 consecutive acupuncture sessions, I can say that my breasts are pain free and the nipples - in this short time - are suddenly healing. Being without constant pain is my miracle today.

PPS - My Lactation Consultant a week ago said that I was at a crossroads and could go either way but my blinker was on to make a right turn. Of course, the rest of that week took me completely off course. But now, I think I'm turning that right corner. Having a bit of hope is such a relief.

B 2 B Issues

Where to begin?

The Good News: Acupuncture really does work. I've been getting treatments every weekday since Friday and that burning, stinging, stabbing, red-hot poker pain searing through my nipples is virtually gone or at least has gone from a 10 pain to a 4-5 pain. The Monday treatment was the first day where I had actual consecutive moments without pain - starting while I was still lying on the treatment table and lasting into the afternoon. NG's latch is still excellent, and I even had several virtually pain-free latches - huge sighs and tears of relief each time.

The Bad News: B 2 B issues = Baby to Breast Issues... NG refuses to breastfeed now even though latches are great, and I'm no longer wincing, gritting my teeth or crying out in pain. The breast does not give her the nearly instant gratification that finger feeding does. I have not and will not offer a bottle - God knows we don't need any further confusion or frustration here - but just the ease of eating off the finger feeder has spoiled her in the last few days so that the breast is no longer an attractive option to her.

She latches on for a few seconds, does a nice suck or two, then scrunches her face up in frustration and pushes away from the breast. If I hold her head firmly in place so she cannot pop off the breast, she begins to cry and scream and suddenly, the barely healed nipple wounds are in danger of being reopened by her angry little mouth.

The Other News: My LC said to get myself into bed and stay there - doing nothing but sleeping, feeding baby and pumping. All nice in theory. I even put my foot down and told everyone in our house that I was going to stay in bed all day. G. agreed to wait on me hand and foot like the wonderful husband that he is.

But the reality is things kept bringing me out of bed because nobody really has time to wait on me. G.'s daughter is still here so G. took her shopping most of the afternoon. Mom was busy finishing up some cooking and cleaning and packing, etc. - so I found myself having to get up to get NG's food prepared, get up to grab a bite to eat, and eventually get up and get ready for my next acupuncture appointment and then never got back to the bed rest after that.

When all was said and done, by the evening, I had only pumped 2x instead of the 6x the LC recommended. I had only slept an extra 1 hour instead of the several extra hours I had been anticipating. This whole Bed Rest thing seems like an impossible fantasy. I will try it again tomorrow but Mom has left, G. has an important meeting in the morning and his daughter isn't really equipped to help out that much and he'll need to spend time with her again during the afternoon/evening.

A Little More Good News...At Least In My Mind: My acupuncturist today asked "Do you like beer?" Does a baby like breast milk? OK, everyone else's baby but my own seems to like breast milk but you know what I mean. She suggested - like many other people have - that I should treat myself to a nice hoppy beer. It is really the hops that supposedly helps enhance breast milk production. But after everything I have been through, a nice cold one sounded like ambrosia.

So after my appt., I headed to the Moose's Tooth brewery and asked for their hoppiest beer. I left with a "growler" (1/2 gallon jug) of their Fairweather IPA. Had two little glasses and savored every last drop. Of course, NG refused to drink from the breast so she missed out. What was she thinking?

My Big Question: Anyone know some tricks on getting NG back to loving the boob? I want to begin weaning her from formula the moment my nipples are really healed which with any luck and a bunch of that elusive thing called Rest will be in a mere few days. How can I encourage her to keep sucking without pulling away over and over and over again? How can I convince her that this will no longer be an excruciating experience for me and a frustrating experience for her?

That, my dear readers, is the question! Okay, more than one question, but you get my drift.

And now off to pump before NG's next late night feeding.

Climbing Out of The Hole

My fingers are gripping the edge of this hole I've sunk into. I am determined to crawl out of it.

The latest on the breastfeeding through the weekend:

1. Right Breast was doing pretty well. Then I tried using the SNS again (Supplemental Nursing System - that is what it is called) and this time, NG just gnawed away at my nipple trying to get to the tubing to suck on it (the little devil). So I tried to give the breast a rest and it is engorged again. So am pumping and trying to be brave and put her back on it. To hell with the SNS - I'm going back to finger feeding and breast feeding as much as I can.

2. Left Breast is hard, red and hot - but the substitute doctor for my pediatrician said it doesn't necessarily mean mastitis (since I am still on antibiotics) - he says clogged ducts can do the same thing. I've been pumping and using warm compresses and standing under a warm shower all weekend long - very little relief. Very little milk coming out.

Can't say the Advil is helping the pain any more. But now I feel like I'm getting used to the pain. It is just part of my day.

Time to feed NG again. Hold breath, let it out slowly. Put her on the nipple. The pain is only temporary, right? Yeah, that's right.

any lower and I'll fall to China

I am hoping yesterday was my lowest of low days. If not, I'd like a refund please. But I'd still like to keep the merchandise.

Can't begin to sum up how difficult the day was. Here is a brief (hahaha) synopsis. I'm sure in the telling you will not feel my stress or pain and I'll seem like a whining wimp, but here it is anyway.

1. Up all night feeding her, consoling her. Finally, the household awakens - my sister, my mother, G.'s 13 year old daughter, and then G. - and I am now in multiple conversation mode, something this mind cannot handle. I can smell something burning in my brain.

2. A friend had given me a massage appointment she could not make. I, in turn, give it to my mother (I still have to pay for it - I am thinking this could be a peace offering - a truce in the never-ending saga of the Hyper-Critical Mother and Defensive Daughter). So now I have to rush to get ready so we can get her to the morning appointment on time.

3. Sister wants to go to health food store first to pick up some more homeopathic remedies for me. I quickly realize that trying to rush to get out an hour earlier to accomodate will be a Herculean feat and I'm just not feeling like putting forth that effort. Still, I give it the old college try and fail miserably. We are now rushing to downtown to drop Mom off for her massage. Then we head to the health food store. I try breastfeeding NG in the car - it goes okay.

4. Next, the Pediatrician to weigh NG. Two days prior, she weighed in at a low, low 6 lbs 4 oz - below the lowest weight she had when we thought she was going to start gaining. This was a day after her 2 week mark when she should have been back to birth weight. We are early so we first stop by to see my RE and show off NG. My RE is not in so we schlep (sister carrying baby in car seat, thankfully) across the entire hospital to the Pede's office.

5. NG is weighed. According to their scale she is 6 lbs 6.6 oz. My sister makes the "sign of the beast" and makes some other heavy metal gestures and comments. Scenes from "The Omen" flash in my head. I am delerious with exhaustion but at least can figure out she has gained 2.6 oz - that is good, right?

6. Nurse tells me that the substitute doctor (NG's doctor is on vacation for 2 weeks) wants to see NG just to make sure she is okay. Suddenly, a quick weighing in appointment turns into a bigger deal. Mom's massage is over by now and she is waiting for us to pick her up. Thankfully (again), Sister comes to the rescue and agrees to drive into downtown to pick Mom up and bring her back to hospital. I scribble a map and directions down for her and pray I've not spaced something out and that she can get there and back without too much stress. I schlep with baby across a series of parking lots to get to the other doctor's office.

7. I am exhausted and delirious. I don't remember what day it is so when I start telling the doctor about NG's weight gains and losses, I can't get anything straight. I think I paint a more dire picture than I intend and am frustrated that I left my carefully documented paperwork in the car. They weigh NG and on their scales, she is 6 lbs 7 oz. Sounds good, right? The doctor happens to be a famous local radio personality with his own health show. He is very nice and encouraging about breastfeeding. Basically he said:

- the problems with NG's weight gain is not hers - it is based on the breastfeeding problems.

- the goals are: get her weight up and make breastfeeding less painful and stressful for me. (God Bless this man).

- he suggested that instead of limiting the formula intake to 1 oz per daytime feeding, to let NG dictate the amount and that her hunger may make her want between 2-3 oz. per feeding and that is okay.

- he suggested I start using Lanolin again on my nipples and that I first give her a little formula to ease NG's hunger so she doesn't rip at my nipples. Then put her on the breast for as long as she will take it. Then do the supplemental feeding or do it while breastfeeding with the SNS (supplemental system - the bottle that hangs from my neck with a tiny tube going to the nipple so she can suck both breast milk and formula at the same time).

Overall, he emphasized that he wants me to continue breastfeeding if I want to do so. Of course I do. So more than anything, he said I must find ways to reduce my stress because that will interfere with the entire process.

8. During this entire time, Dad and his wife are headed to our house to see NG but we're still at the hospital. After the doctor's appointment, I worry that no one is at home to let them in. G. has gone for a bike ride with his daughter and didn't think of putting out a spare key for Dad. Mom, Sister and I are all starving now and decide to eat at the health food restaurant (not without a bunch of stressful discussion about what they serve, are we allergic, etc.) I'm trying to coordinate all of this. And did I mention that I'm driving this entire time as well? I am feeling a circuit shorting somewhere deep inside. I scarf down lunch in between breast feeding in public and then rush NG to the car to continue breast feeding her in semi-private - less stressful for us both.

9. After lunch, I still want to go to the Lactation Consultant's office to get NG weighed there so I can better understand the difference between the two scales - with weight gains and losses being so tiny, any difference in the scales seems like it would be monumental. To hell with everyone, I'm going to the other hospital to test their scale. By now, I am thinking about my acupuncture appointment and getting there on time. That will be my relief, my respite from this Day From Hell. Mom and Sister talk about me dropping them off at the Mall on my way to the acupuncturist. I call Dad to say I'll pick him up to join us so he can take of NG while I'm getting acupunctured. His wife, G. and G.'s daughter went to the movie.

10. At the Lactation Consultant's, NG's weight is 6 lbs. 5.7 - that is a .9 oz difference between her scale and the Pede's scale. So now her weight gain doesn't look as good but it is still something, right? Right??? We're now going to pick up Dad. On the way, somehow Sister and Mom agree to stay home with NG and supplement feed her. That will give Dad some quality NG Time, too. This must have been Sister's idea - she is uncannily the Voice of Reason and Calm right now. I drop them off at the house then speed off to the acupuncturist. This treatment is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me, I know it.

11. I get to the acupuncturist and there are several women standing in the hall talking. I ask for Kelly, the acupuncturist recommended by my LC who I have not yet met. A young woman tells me "She just had her baby yesterday." I knew Kelly was due July 11. The women offered to take down my name and number to let Kelly know I had stopped by. I sit down in the office to write it all down and burst out into non-stop tears. I cannot stop crying. The world has come to an end. There is no acupuncture for me. I am in pain, exhausted, totally drained from the day and simultaneously happy that Kelly had her baby and so bitterly disappointed that she had it the day before my appointment.

12. The women do everything they can to console me. Turns out the younger one is also an acupuncturist who was going to take over a little for Kelly next week when she had her baby. She tried to call Kelly to see what to do for me but is unable to reach her. Suddenly, she looks out the window and says "There she is!!" Who? Kelly, that's who, with her mother trailing behind carrying a newborn in a car seat. Kelly, the woman who just had a baby yesterday. She walks into the office and says "We tried to reach you on your cellphone. I know how important this appointment was to you. I wanted to make sure you were contacted." I had left my cellphone off all day. Damn. "But you just had a baby yesterday!" I exclaimed. "Well, this morning actually." I was in awe. I was now sobbing because I am a selfish freak while this woman who just gave birth that morning came into her office in the afternoon to selflessly make sure I was okay.

13. Kelly and her mother leave but as they do, her mother looks through the window at me (still freakishly sobbing) and our jaws drop open. It is Janie, the woman G. and I took a 9 week baby birthing class from!! She walks back into the office and gives me a warm hug. Finally, some relief from my Day From Hell. I give her a fast version of my breastfeeding problems. She says "You are a Good Mom. Everything will be okay" and I believe her.

14. The young woman who I first spoke with was able to handle my acupuncture session and also gave me some dietary advice. I feel relaxed for the first time in what seems like a lifetime. I get home in time for dinner but need to pump first. NG is sleeping like a baby who has had plenty to eat. Dinner is a delicious roast that Mom has whipped up. She may not know how to be nice to her post partum daughter but boy, can she cook! Then I take a nap and G. and Sister take care of feeding NG so I can get some rest. I sleep for 2 hours. Two whole delicious precious hours.

I am ready to tackle the night. Did breast and supplemental feeding at 2am, dozed with her in the living room, changed her, feeding at 6am. She is still restless after 2.5 oz plus some breast milk from the breast. Then, she projectile vomits. I clean her up then change my clothes and we have a restless morning until the household begins to wake again.

Same shit, different day...but maybe the breast feeding will go just a little bit better.

In search of silver linings

Short update.

NG's weight is down below acceptable 10% - she should have been at birth weight yesterday - 7# 1 oz. She is now at 6# 4 oz.

Lactation consultant is putting me in overdrive to get NG's weight up.

We are now going to use a Supplemental Nutrition System to augment breast milk with formula - picked up some organic formula at the health food store.

Also found out:

1. My breast milk production is suddenly decreasing. She was only able to get .2 oz off one breast and .1 off another. Last week she got 1 oz off of one breast alone.

2. Turns out the fibrocystic cysts I have had all my life are detrimentally affecting breast feeding - contributing to blockages and clogged ducts. First I've heard of this connection. If it isn't one thing, it certainly is another...

Still having tremendous pain. Doing some herbs for lactation - will blog more about those later.

Overall, NG's latch is actually good - double and triple checked by the LC. All other factors make this whole thing the ordeal that it is.

Hanging in but must admit depression is setting in - not post partum stuff, just an immense sadness that our little baby is suffering because of all this crap. I do know things will improve. We are doing everything we can to make sure of it.

The Breast Report

this is what I sent to my Lactation Consultant yesterday...

1. The nipples on both breasts are split, red and burning - pain is so severe even before she is latching on. Her latch seems to be hit or miss. She seems to be rejecting the left breast now which was her favorite and it takes 10-15 times trying to get her to latch and stay. Right breast still frustrates the hell out of her but I can get her to feed on it for about 5 minutes at a time.

2. The Good Breast - LEFT - is now becoming a bad one - nipple is a mess and the breast is starting to get hard, hot and red even though she is nursing on it primarily and from about 15-45 minutes per feeding every 1.5-3.5 hours. I am still on antibiotics so maybe this is just engorgement. I am using a cold compress on it now.

3. I have pumped LEFT breast a few times to give the nipple a rest. We are giving Noa supplemental breast milk in the syringe either at my breast or G. finger feeds. She is getting 2-4 per 24 hour period - mostly to let my breasts heal.

4. I am still pumping Bad Breast - RIGHT - sometimes nothing more than a drop or two comes out and other times a pretty good flow (less than the left breast.) I am doing this every 2 hours or so for about 15 minutes at a time. We use this milk for supplemental feedings. This breast is much softer and not red or hot now.

It seems every other feeding is either pretty darn good and I'm feeling hopeful or wretchedly horrible and painful and I'm ready to give up. I keep telling myself it will get better but it is hard to convince myself through all this pain. I'm still on Ibuprofen 600 mg every 6 hours.

The good news is my hip is a little better so I can walk a little easier.

Houston, We Have a Poop

OK, 4 poops to be exact.

Last night or in the wee hours, she pooped, and it was pretty watery so was absorbed by the diaper making it hard to see how much was there but seemed like a lot.

Then a few hours later, in the morning, a dollop.

We took her to the pediatrician for a check - no longer an "Oh my God, what if she needs surgery" check but instead an "Oh yes, my baby made some poop" check. Relief.

While there, G. was still holding her before the doctor came in and suddenly he said that NG's face was bunched up like she was making some kind of effort.

Sure enough, massive quantities of poop requiring piles of wipes and paper towels to clean up. Luckily, we had weighed her before - 6 lb 8.2 oz - and then weighed her after to get a sense of the massiveness of the poop - 6 lb 7.4 oz. I'm sure this must be impressive but I have nothing to compare it to.

Her pediatrician is confident that NG is on her way to gaining back her birth weight but did say NG may be just a little behind because of my breast feeding woes. Still, she was not concerned about a thing.

And we all just smiled and sighed - our baby made poop and got it out of her tight butt!

Just a moment of pleasure and pride in this otherwise dark haze of sleep deprivation, torn nipples and rock hard boobs (not to mention hip pain, butt pain, nether region pain and the new one - lower abdominal pain).

One look at NG's sweet little face, though, and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world if that is what it takes to have her.

Photo Opps

By request, some more photos of NG.

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