babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

oh my aching head

I must be holding a lot of anger inside and must
be full of raging, sinking hormones. I've had the
biggest headache for 2 weeks. Finally went to the
acupuncturist, and it helped for a while.

I actually think that the headaches are related
to sugar intake - I've gotten very sensitive to it.

My entire diet has been turned upside down. I need
to read "The Infertility Cure" to rethink my entire
diet. Maybe I'll attend an Infertility retreat, too.

This last miscarriage seems to have thrown me
out of whack more than the first two. I have so
much more to learn.

blood suck

Had to go in for more blood to be drawn - to make
sure my hCG levels are down to zero or nearly
zero.

The lady in the lab - Georgia - knows me from
my pregnancies and my miscarriages and is
compassionate. She is the one who went to the
doctor during my 2nd pregnancy to have my
hcG levels checked before doing a prenatal
screening - something that doctor was
ordering while overlooking my low hCG levels
from the week before.

Georgia asked how I was doing. I realized that
I'm doing okay. I am in the mindset that this
is a process and I'll have to try again if I hope
to have a baby. I think G. is on board. He is
so supportive overall.

I do have some fear putting my body through this,
but so far, I've gone the natural, non-invasive
route and my body is handling everything like
a champ.

Now that I've had 3 miscarriages, the medical
community acknowledged that "Houston, we've
got a problem" whereas when I was at 2, it
still didn't show a "pattern."

So I may have to have 2 more before anything
aggressive is done - but I think I can live with
that. I'm being told I have a 50-60% chance
of carrying to term the next time I try.
I don't usually gamble, but I think I'll
try again. Not yet, but soon.

Hey, I'm turning 40 next month and want to
get a tattoo - and can't be pregnant when I
get that done.

testing normal

Got out of the house and ran some errands,
did some work, felt good about being outside
of the confines of my tiny apartment and
being a slave to the television.

Got back normal results from my latest tests:
- Protein C & S
- Factor 2 and 5
- Antithrombin 3

Next steps? According to my specialist, get
pregnant again within the next few months
(but giving my body one month to have a normal
cycle). Trying again, I should have a 50-60% chance
of having a normal pregnancy. This is after 3
miscarriages.

After 5, they will get more aggressive such as
injections of Heparin. That's what Courtney Cox
was given.

For now, they just want me to try again, if and
when I'm up to it.

My mindset is to recognize this is a hit or miss
process and that I'm still strong and healthy enough
to go through with this again.

Hopefully, next time will work. Until then, I'll continue
to read up on miscarriage and health.

Just got a new book - "The Infertility Cure" - recommended
by my acupuncturist. Sounds like a promising resource.

If anyone else has books and web sites they recommend,
please let me know.

but I don't feel depressed

I'm wondering if I'm suffering from mild depression.
I've stayed in bed almost every day, doing absolutely
nothing but watching TV, movies and eating. Sure, it
has been the holiday weekend but this has been
going on for days.

I have been out of the house to get a latte or to
buy some groceries or even to buy a hot air popcorn
popper but then I just sit here. I don't even read.
Reading seems too complicated right now.

I am usually so motivated. I'm feeling healthy and
pretty good physically other than much like a slug.
But my motivation level is nil.

Yet I don't feel depressed or sad. I just feel like
doing absolutely nothing but putting in another
DVD and vegging out. Shouldn't I be doing something
productive with my life now that I'm not pregnant
anymore? Shouldn't I be exercising?

doing okay

The worst of it is over. I'm basically normal,
as normal as can be expected. Emotionally,
I'm just dealing with it or maybe not dealing
with it but that is probably my way of
dealing with it. Physically, I feel soft and
out of shape but don't want to start
exercising too soon. Will ease into it.

Right now, I'm unmotivated but I'm trying
to think of it as resting - I'm resting. Not doing
much of anything which is probably good for
me. Taking the time to heal.

Thanks to everyone who has been emailing
me during this time. I'm doing okay which
is pretty darn good considering.

day by day

each day, I feel normal and then a twinge.
brownish discharge now - less like blood
and more just like a dark stain.

body back to "normal" - and in a few weeks,
I'll be ready to get back into shape. healing
this time is happening more quickly - mostly
because of the extra bedrest, I believe. last
time, G. and I went for long walks immediately
after and I shuffled slowly, painfully, unable
to walk properly for the first week and a half.
too much too soon.

I need to focus on some creative expression -
like more poetry about this experience. I'm still
not focused enough to write my book but am
compiling stories and research about miscarriage.
Poetry doesn't require research, just the right
moment and mood.

turning negative into something resembling positive.

update

Not too much to report. I've been bleeding
and cramping and at first was worried about that
but then read over things I wrote about the
last miscarriage and realized that I bled for
about 2 weeks, off and on.

I've had some time to rest, stay in bed.
G. was here to take care of me, spoiling
me rotten and helping me to heal. He's
on his way back north but will return soon.

We're getting through this. We're getting
through this together.

elvis has left the building

well, the worst of it is over. started earlier today with
some bleeding and light cramps. intermittent heavy
cramping and then passing some blood clots.

then had a reflexology treatment.

for about an hour and a half, had pretty bad cramps,
even through 3 Advils.

then passed something pretty sizeable - I'd say bigger
than a golf ball.

now barely cramping. still bleeding but not heavily.

I did it. My body did it. I'm cancelling the D&C.
What a relief.

I was right. Trusting my instincts, trusting my body.
No one can take that away from me.

it's starting...

whew - getting these emotions out is really good.
I've been feeling a little crampy and then saw
that I'm bleeding a little - not just staining now.

It is starting and I'm not afraid or too worried
about it. I am so confident in my own body.

A friend is stopping by with some spinach
casserole (made with tater tots, even) and
I asked her to also bring me a grande latte.
More caffeine is good, I think. Whenever I have
bad menstrual cramps, I drink coffee and it
really seems to help. Hey, it's in Midol so
there must be some effectiveness there.

I did feel kind of weird asking for a latte.
Hi, I'm miscarrying, can I have a grande
latte, no flavors please?

There is nothing more empowering than knowing
my body is strong, my mind is strong, and I'll
get through this with the help of friends and
my one and only G.

Cramps are familiar. They are a female experience.
They are nothing to be afraid of. This is just what
it is, and I accept it.

power of emotion

I really think I am more powerful than I'm
allowing myself to be. My emotions, I am
beginning to believe, are blocking things.
Like maybe even pregnancy.

And now, I think that I'm not going to actually
miscarry until G. gets here. You remember
G. - my husband, the man I love. For those
of you who have tracked our lives through
this blog, you may recall me talking about him.

I feel compelled to explain the reason for
his absence from this blog because he
certainly has not been absent from my life -
other than currently living in Alaska where
I'll move next year to join him.

He has been very upset by this blog, a reaction
I did not ever expect and still don't fully
understand. I guess in a way it is freaky
unusual to talk about your most private
matters - a miscarriage for God's sake -
on the World Wide Web, for all to see.

But I've been in the public eye via the
Web since 1995, publishing my thoughts
and ideas online and riding the sparkly
wave of the Internet boom when it was
still a promising trickle. So I'm used to
exposing myself - so to speak - online for
the world to see.

I know he still does not understand this
compulsion to be public with private
matters but in my mind, I do this first
and foremost to document my experience
for the benefit of others. Yes, I get a
benefit, too, from writing some of this stuff
out, but I can't stop this from happening to
me. Maybe I can stop this from happening
to someone else or give them information
they couldn't get elsewhere or comfort them
in their difficult moments.

In my life, I have learned that living by a mission
is an imperitive and my mission is to inspire
and touch other people through my words.
The power of words.

So G. was mad at me and he says it was
because I was referring to him as G. in
my blog. Well, it is my blog and I felt I could
do anything I wanted and in my own special
logic, I reasoned that in some way I was
preserving his identity and that it was a small
way to continue to be private in some manner.
I felt freer by calling him G. instead of his
full name.

In anger, he posted a comment on my blog,
stating his name, telling me he wanted to be
known by his name. I was furious. I felt invaded.
I actually said to him that he "defaced my art" -
my blog being my art. I deleted his comment
and decided I would not refer to him again
in this blog because it is "my blog and about
my life and my feelings and my experiences."

I thought things were okay and I was hoping
he'd read my blog and use the information
in context - maybe gain a little insight into
something I didn't reveal to him in the same
way, put a little extra piece to the picture he
saw through our phone calls and visits. I saw
the blog as a benefit, not as a problem.

But he got angry again. He was now angry
because he wasn't mentioned any more.
He said it sounded like I didn't need him or
want to be with him. He pointed to my comment
about wanting to run away to Mexico and camp
out on the beach. Where was he, he asked.

I tried to explain to him that he was here, with
me, whether or not he was in the blog. The blog
is only 2% of my entire experience, a carefully
selected sliver of my life that is distilled to a
certain essence to explain to the general public
what is happening, why, how, when. It reflects
shimmers of my self, but not my whole self.
It is a tiny piece of my life but not my whole life.

When I was mentioning him, maybe that upped
the reveal to 5% but it was still a fraction of
my whole experience. I carefully selected the
information that was appropriate and right for
that moment. When I wrote about Mexico, I had
to think how to phrase things to eliminate G.
from the statement even though my real wish,
my real dream, was for us to run away together.

He is a part of me, a part of my life, despite our
current geographic separation. But I also told
him again - this is my blog, my life, my experience,
told in the way I want to tell it. It is not about him.
It is not about us. It is about me.

I told him that if I decided to include him again
in the blog that I would do it in my way because
this was my art. And I warned him that if I
decided to bring him back into my blog it would
be on my terms and that I would go through a
lengthy explanation of why he was not in the
blog for a while. And that I would explain it in
my way.

This is my world. This is my blog. This is my 2%.

So anyway, this long winded story came out
of me trying to explain that I think that my
emotions are so strong that my body will not
actually miscarry until G. is here. He flies in
overnight and will be here tomorrow morning.
I think this is all just waiting for him so he can
be with me at the most difficult point.

I am trying to get it to start now, though. I have
the D&C looming over my head on Monday
and a pre-op meeting with the doctor tomorrow
morning.

I'm almost decided that I will cancel surgery.
I do not want it. I do not need it. I do not think
I can put myself and my body through it. It is
everything that I am against. It is invasive and
not necessary. My body is strong and good at
taking care of things. I do not need my uterus
scraped. I do not need stuff sucked out of me.

Having this hanging over my head is stupid.
This is not how I want to live my life. I have to
be in more control of my health. I know my
body better than my doctor right now. He hasn't
seen me for almost 2 weeks. What does he know
right now about me? Not enough. Not nearly
enough.

Worse case scenario? I might get an infection
which could affect my ability to get pregnant again.
Well, I haven't heard any talk of the possibility of
dying from this. I'll have to ask him about it.
If death is not a possible outcome, then I will
live with the consequences of my choices.
Because ultimately, G. and I will have children,
whether through birth or adoption. That will
happen in our lives.

I just don't want to compromise my life and
make choices based on pressure and doctor-induced
fear. The medical community, I know, is full
of crap when it comes to women's health. I'm
in the system right now and even with a good
repro specialist who I like and who is open to
alternative treatments, I can see patterns. I can
see knee jerk reactions that have nothing to do
with empowering the woman, embracing the
feminine, tapping into the emotion to get
to the root of all of this. I am more than this.