Sweat But No Blood

My period is now officially 7 days late. But before you start offering tentative congratulations, let me just tell you that I took a home pregnancy test, and it is so negative that the single pink line practically screamed "Not Pregnant!!"

This happened to me back in October. My period was 9 days late, and then it came on with a vengeance. In November, my period was late again so I went to my NP (nurse practitioner) for tests. Blood test showed elevated progesterone but no hCG. Decidedly NOT pregnant but clearly having a progesterone surge.

I sat in the bathroom yesterday, about to pee on the stick, and I ran through the gamut of thoughts and emotions.

"What if I AM pregnant this time?"

"We just had a lot of expenses these last few months. We can't afford another child right now."

"NG really would love a baby brother or sister."

"I'm really afraid this might put too much pressure on G. - he's still recovering from his foot surgery."

"Can I handle another child?"

"I think I can handle another child - if we can manage my post partum depression."

"What if I have to go off my medicine right now? Will I be okay?"

"I haven't been taking extra folic acid - what if the baby has Down Syndrome because of that?

"G. and my relationship could handle another child, right?"

Now that the test shows a definitively single pink line, the thoughts in my head are just as numerous but singing a different tune.

"We just got through post partum depression - how are we going to survive perimenopause?"

"Does this really mean no chance of having another baby?"

"What if my medication can't handle these new hormonal surges, and I plummet back into PPD hell?

"Am I really getting old?"

"What if G. wants to leave me for a younger, more fertile model?"

"What else is going to happen to my body against my will that I'm going to have to deal with?"

"Do I really have to just suck it up?"

I've had night sweats the last few nights which tells me that:

1. I'm not pregnant.

2. I'm having hormonal surges at night.

3. I need to stock up on more cotton nightshirts because I'm going through them like they're going out of style.

I have about 5 books about perimenopause and a few on menopause that I picked up cheap at a library book sale last year. They still sit on my nightstand unread. I'm almost afraid to read them but they will probably answer some of my questions. G. and I are talking a lot about these changes, and hopefully that will answer some more of my questions.

But some of them may remain unanswered.