babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

hurry and wait

I was a little puzzled that this whole week I'm not
being monitored at all, especially since this is about
the time my two previous pregnancies began to fail.
I'll have to ask my repro specialist about that one.

No matter how much I feel like I take charge of my
health and this pregnancy, I still am weak at times,
confused, timid, I don't know what the hell it is, but
it overtakes me and I don't question or speak out.

This week, I've felt mostly like I'm pregnant - the
nausea comes and goes, less when I eat. Breasts
are for the most part very tender, a little bigger.
But then there are these moments when there is
nothing and I'm so convinced that it is over.

welcome to my rollercoaster.

Tomorrow I'll get acupuncture from my initial
acupuncturist in Ft. Collins - should be very good
for me. Then next week, Wednesday, is the next
ultrasound.

What if they don't see a heartbeat?

What if they do?

All of these emotions bubbling under the surface,
bubbling over now and then. Hormonal.

And all I can do right now is wait.

well, it feels...

Everyone wants to know how I'm feeling.
Well, I just don't know but am pretty sure
I was getting pretty nauseous all day. Not
"get out of my damn way I'm going to puke"
nauseous but more like "woah, what was
that?" Had to eat pizza.

Interestingly, any thought of sugar sends
this wave of panic and horrible queasiness
through me as if someone has presented
me with a thumbscrew and other torture
devices and is telling me they are about to
use them on me.

I do not want sugar. Can't stand the thought
of having sugar in my system. That means
I turned down the Moose Tracks ice cream
last night (my absolute fave) and turned down
hot, homemade apple pie today - fresh out
of the oven.

This bun in my oven does not want sugar
and is making it very clear.

Let's hope this bun turns into a nice big loaf.

the right stuff

well, the right stuff is in the right place.
gestational sac and yolk in the uterus.

but that still doesn't really mean everything
is fine. it just means everything is in the
right place right now.

they won't be doing hCG levels anymore since
they can see something in the uterus but of
course I wish they would so I can be assured
the levels are still climbing.

they will see me in 2 weeks to see if they can
see a heartbeat - it will still be too early to hear
it - about 7 weeks 1 day.

so it will either be good news or bad news in
2 weeks. in the meantime, I'm in limbo but
at least know the right stuff is in my uterus.

have a picture - will scan and put online soon.
thank you to all the prayers and good wishes.
I'm hanging in there and keeping my sense
of humor.

and thanking God for every wave of nausea.
then freaking with every cramp. no bleeding
though, so we're still cool.

Powerful Needles

I have no idea what is happening with my body right now.
Usually, I'm so in tune but right now, everything is just
strange, like listening to a foreign language. You think you
know understand, but it doesn't make any sense.

Went to acupuncture yesterday - had to do something
proactive and supportive. Left feeling funny. Lightheaded.
Then very tired. Took a nap, woke up groggy and unable
to clear my head. Then began to feel nausea. Not overwhelming,
but definitely coursing through me like a steady surge of energy.
It lasted all evening. I was able to eat and keep it under control,
but it just hummed beneath the surface. I decided it had to
be a good sign.

Then I admonished myself for being positive and hopeful.

Woke up this morning with a similar feeling. I look at my body
in the mirror and can't see much difference other than
a lack of exercise is softening my edged. I do have the
map of veins around my breasts but then again, I've
always had translucent skin and can see my veins
in all of their colors and patterns. Is my body being pregnant?

There is no reason for anything to go wrong (other than
turning 40 next month). All of my tests for bad things
came up negative. I'm doing all the right things, right?

Tomorrow I'll get an ultrasound and see my repro specialist.
What will he see inside of me? Hello? What is going on
in there?

where there's hope, there's pain

I don't want to be hopeful. It makes me angry
to be hopeful because it is far too risky.

So my levels went from 956 to 1800. Still not
doubling, but going up. Not very high but there
is no "average" for these numbers. They are all
over the map so no one can tell me if this is
really bad, sort of bad, kind of good or what.

But they do want me to come in Friday for an
ultrasound to see if there is a gestational sac in
my uterus. Ms. Uterus - is there a sac in there?
I can't tell. Too early to tell.

Guess we'll know more Friday. Don't you hate
these cliffhangers?

I want to PUKE

I want to be queasy. No, I want to be way more
than queasy. I want to puke. I want to throw up
because my pregnancy hormones are wreaking
havoc on my body.

But they are not. Every tiny twinge of quasi-
queasiness is like a desperate attempt to be
pregnant.

I just want to puke my guts out - just once -
so I know that I'm okay.

Won't take blood test until 3:30pm MT and
then won't have results back until tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Big News Day. Is she still pregnant
and who will be our President? Those are the
big questions.

Miscarriage Trends

Looking over last pregnancy:

4 weeks/4 days - hCG 711
prog - 33.7

4 weeks/6 days - hCG 1920
prog - 33.1

5 weeks/3 days - hCG 3400
prog - 28.1

6 weeks - hCG 7000 - not high for 6 weeks

7 weeks/3 days - symptoms practically gone

7 weeks/4 days - hCG 5810 (down)

7 weeks/5 days - hCG 4420 (down)

8 weeks/4 days - Miscarried

Looking at this one so far:

4 weeks/6 days - hCG 209
prog - 56.3

5 weeks/1 day - hCG 681

5 weeks/3 days - hCG 956
symptoms seem to be going away...

Doesn't look good in comparison to time before.
My days might be slightly off. Will have to check
at hospital today. Getting more blood drawn to
see what is happening.

the process

In my mind, I want to think of this time
as only a process, not a pregnancy. Is that
weird?

I want to just think of it as the stages to being
pregnant which won't be true until after
Week 12. This is how I think I can cope
with everything.

The process right now is blood tests, taking
my prenatal vitamins, folguard (folic acid),
baby aspirin, and progesterone supplement.
Eating properly, staying hydrated, resting.

This is my process right now. This is how
I'll be okay.

1st Levels

First day of last period - 9/28/04

Right now, I'm in my 4th week.

HcG - 209
Progesterone - 56.3*

*reference for 1st trimester (4-12 weeks)
is 6.6 - 40.3. Mine is higher probably because
of my progesterone supplement.

The nurse at the repro specialist suggested that
I go home in the afternoon and lay down because
of the spotting. And not to be on the computer
so will keep this short. Will rest tomorrow, too.
30% elevated at most ie. not sitting up to relieve
stress on the pelvic region.

spotty beginning

A little staining and spotting yesterday and evening
before. I'm thinking it is implantation spotting, nothing
to worry about. Brownish, staining, not red.

Crampy, bloaty, sore breasts. Yeah, symptoms
are there. I'm probably about 4 weeks. I have
to get past 7 weeks, then 9 weeks, then 12 weeks
before I will jump up and down for joy.

I am happy of course. But not too happy.