babyfruit: the (mis)adventures of mommyhood

nada

well, after going through 4-1-1 like they said, I am just 90% effaced and 1.5 cm dilated so the midwives sent me home. so I'm having a bowl of soup and then taking a nap - when I lay down, the contractions space out more so I should be able to rest a little. then back to the old hanging out.

just got word my girlfriend just delivered a baby girl! one hour of pushing. well, I'll be next on the list. I read that no matter what happens, a baby will always be born on its birthday. so we're in good shape!

Serene Baby

Well, here she is in all her glory or at least her face. Probably next to impossible to make out her features but close your eyes, open them to a squint, tilt your head, and imagine that she has G.'s nose.

Click on image to get a slightly larger version.

This is the Un-retouched version. My sister had to PhotoShop out her arms because the doctor had deleted her hands since they were blocking her face and she looked like she had chicken drumsticks for arms. Kind of creepy.

To view all 3 sonogram photos, go to:

4D Photo Extravaganza

Emotional Freedom

In the previous post, I talked about my anger issues and probably need for anger management.

And in that cosmic way that things happen at the right time, regardless of what they are, I received the following Daily Om - the daily empowering message I get for free via email.

Emotional Freedom

Dealing with powerful emotions can be challenging, especially when we are going through chaotic, sad, or cruel experiences in our lives. Often, it can seem like we have only two options for dealing with our feelings so they don't become too overwhelming.

We may let our feelings out in an immediate and visceral way, or we may bottle them up by suppressing our emotions inside our bodies. Most people make the second choice, repressing their feelings in an attempt to deny them. The truth is that there are many positive ways to deal with emotions, and experiencing your negative feelings doesn't have to constitute a negative experience.

Denying your feelings is not only unhealthy for the mind and the body, but it may also rob you of valuable information you could be learning about yourself and your life. Suppressing your emotions can even impede your short-term memory. Acknowledging your feelings can help you better understand them and help you recover naturally from change, stress, and grief.

[Read more...]

I don't know if this helps or cures anyone, but I like how things come back from the universe once you put something out there. Or maybe those folks at Daily Om are psychic.

Anger issues - vent, vent, vent

So after careful self-examination, I realize that yes, indeed, I'm having some anger issues. I have a feeling that over the last few months I was having grief issues and now they have transformed into anger issues. I have to admit that it goes beyond my usual snarkiness and is just boiling over more than I'd like it to.

What to do about anger? How to let it out constructively. My very nature is to make a positive out of a negative. I have always done that when something "bad" happens. Instead of allowing myself to wallow in self pity soup, I press forward by focusing on creating something useful and helpful to others.

But what about when I'm angry? Something bad has happened to me - to us. We have miscarried, many of us more than once, twice, three times, four...and so I've been turning that grief into a documentary film and a book as well as maintaining this blog and pitching articles to magazines about miscarriage. 4 positives for 4 negatives (ie. miscarriages).

Now what? My karma is balanced but my anger is teeming.

Cry? I was doing that at odd and inopportune moments since June and finally came to understand it as grief and not a slow decent into insanity thanks to a good therapist.

Scream? I've been doing that too much lately and G. has been at the brunt of it. He is too good of a person, a man and a husband to have to deal with my anger in this manner.

Punch a pillow? Not helpful.

Exercise? G. is trying to get me out walking and biking more, especially before it gets too dark, cold and snowy to do it (although he is also proposing cross country skiing for the winter). I am trying to get into a fitness routine but it is just pissing the heck out of me.

Yoga? Ta'i Chi? We did go to Ta'i Chi this morning and it felt good. But I'm dreading each next moment, worried that my anger will rear its ugliness and break this peace and calm we are feeling.

Pray? Doesn't help. I just get more pissed off. Not at God but at the pointlessness of these miscarriages that I've had. What have they taught me? That I'm not perfect? Fuck off and let me have a baby. I'd be one of the best damn mothers around. Not perfect, just damn good.

What do you do for the anger?

Are We Conceiving Yet?

I'd love to hear from Babyfruit lurkers and regulars alike - are you conceiving yet? Where are you in your quest for baby? What have you tried? Is adoption looking like the way you want to go? Inquiring minds want to know.

Right now, I'm a Misbehaving Miscarrying Woman, at least I'm not following all the rules.

I'm playing Russian Roulette with G.'s sperm, those strong swimming, pregnancy-inducing soldiers. We went condom-free during what should have been my Prime Time (give or take a day or a month due to the Ovary Cyst Invasion) - and what if I do get pregnant? Getting pregnant was never my problem, but maybe it will be now and I have nothing to worry about.

My main worry is that I'm being haphazard about this - I am not on the aggressive and pro-active 10 Step Plan for holding onto a pregnancy. I'm just doing this reproductive crap shoot. And then what? I have no plan. Bad, Miscarrying Woman, Bad.

But I did do a good thing today. I had my first shot of Wheatgrass juice. Just like a shot of freshly mowed lawn with a slightly bitter after taste. Mmmmm, mmmmm, good. Washed it down with a banana shake with flax seed oil, lecithan and assorted other health nut goodies. Then had a macrobiotic lunch of brown rice, grilled veggies and tofu.

Now will I be able to maintain this wholesome goodness or will I fall off the wagon with the Yellowtail Shiraz and Dagoda Chocolate sitting on my kitchen counter? Resisting wine and chocolate may be futile.

No EMDR for Me

Today I'm listening to: Julia Fordham Radio

Just got back from my therapy session with T. and she has determined that I don't need EMDR after all. She says it is for people who are "stuck" but that she thinks I am very self aware, in touch with my past and the events that have affected me, and I guess I'm processing these things well.

I'm glad I decided to see a therapist. I'm so used to keeping a lot of things inside and although I can write about it and articulate certain things, I also keep a tight rein on my emotions. She wants me to be okay with my emotional self, the passionate side of me that feels strongly. She pointed out that not every emotion I am feeling welling up inside of me is negative.

Like when I think of or speak about or even write about G. - I feel emotions welling up in side of me that I instinctively try to control. But T. pointed out that maybe it is happiness, a deep swelling of positive emotion, and I'm treating it like negative emotions. That makes total sense because I have no negative emotions about G. and yet the tears come up, first into my chest, then my throat, then popping out of my eyes beyond my control. And yet I'm not sad at all.

How interesting that we can blend our happiness and sadness into a lump and lose touch with the difference. Well, I don't know if any of you do this, but it seems that I'm doing it and can learn to stop.

T. seems to think my path is a good one - a focus on overall health and well-being and if it lowers my FSH and if I do get pregnant - Bonus. But if not, I'll be in a much healthier place overall.

My life is a good one. I have a wonderful husband, I'm living in a place where there is so much to do, and other than the miscarriages and pesky cysts in my ovaries, I'm in good health. I think we tend to focus too much on what we don't have instead of what we do. They say "Count Your Blessings," but it sounds so artificial. And yet, the meaning behind that is valid.

I spoke to a girlfriend in Wyoming who is pregnant - 21 weeks now. She just had an ultrasound and found out they are having a boy. This is good news. And I am genuinely happy for her.

And I am incredibly sad, jealous, pissed off and feeling guilty for it at the same time. But I know that is normal and doesn't mean I don't want to know about what she is going through. Wrestling with all of these emotions can be exhausting but there they are.

At least I don't need the EMDR therapy. It is good to know that a therapist can say "Hey, you don't need thing newfangled treatment after all."

I'm processing it all. Like digesting a big meal of an unusual, unfamiliar dish. Mental and spiritual digestion is taking place right now.

The Path II

Went to my acupuncturist who is looking at my kidney yang and yin.

So my new Chinese herb regime is:

Xiao Yao San (brand: Evergreen) - Days 15-22 - for liver qi - 3 capsules 3x day
Er Xian Tang (brand: Evergreen)- Days 22 until my period starts - for kidney yang - 3 capsules 3x day

Then she'll put me on another for my kidney yin but she has to order it.

I also asked her for some eating tips. I've swung far away from my previous fertility diet and into the realm of BADNESS with lots of ice cream (fat, sugar, dairy and cold - bad) and coffee (caffeine - bad). Here are some of her suggestions:

GOOD

1. Bone Marrow Soup - with organic meat bones
2. Game meat and fresh caught salmon (hey, I live in Alaska)
3. Wheat grass
4. Brown rice

NOT GOOD

1. Wheat
2. Gluten
3. Sugar
4. White flour
5. Caffeine
6. Ice cream

This is all pretty sensible stuff, nothing extreme. I need to get back on track with my eating habits and get off this comfort food, indulgence, "I've miscarried multiple times and need a damn break" diet. I think I'll feel even better once I'm eating right again.

Darn, forgot to ask her about the wine. Hmmm...maybe I can get a few more bottles in before I see her in two weeks.

I'm still taking the following every evening:
- baby aspirin
- pre-natal vitamin (Natelle which is pink and tastes good)
- Omega 3
- extra folic acid

Following the path. I am on the path.

Without being proactive, I feel like I'm in this murky land of high FSH levels and I don't know if/when I should try to get pregnant again. If my mind is feeling good and my body is feeling good and my heart is feeling good, does it hurt to try? As long as I know that my chances of getting pregnant are lower because of the high FSH, then I should be okay, right? OK, get me out of murky land.

We shall see where the path takes us.

exploring new paths

I'm looking into T'ai Chi and Qi Gong for infertility / reproductive issues. There is an Oriental Healing Arts Center here in Anchorage, and I spoke with a woman there who said she had been told to give up trying to have kids - that it was hopeless - and she had two babies after that.

Of course, she said that she practiced Qi Gong daily for a few years before she conceived, but I'm not looking for a quick fix. I'm looking for a path I can take toward improved health and a better outlook overall. There is no miracle cure, but getting in even better touch with my body than I am right now and working on positive processes is a good path.

I don't want my destination to be "getting and staying pregnant." I want it to be more holistic about it, keep my perfection reflexes at bay.

It's a bitch being an overachiever who miscarries.

Hope Springs Eternal

What does that really mean, that "hope springs eternal?" That we have - or should have endless reserves of hope? Well, I have no idea how I can still have hope after the physical, mental and spiritual batterings I've had these past 2 years, but I'm feeling...hopeful.

I'm getting a nice spike of traffic here at Babyfruit and I'm attributing it to the mention in the October 2005 issue of MORE magazine. I haven't seen it because they still have the September issue on stands here in Alaska. Has anyone else seen it? What does it say? And if you read the piece in MORE, welcome!

Right now, I'm dreaming of the perfect Miscarriage Handbook - one that is holistic and essential, that is, filled with the essence of our voices and our hearts to help guide one another and other women through this difficult, complex process of miscarriage. I feel inspired and creative.

My former acupuncturist in Colorado emailed me this message and this, too, gives me hope:

First off, I was reading that FSH levels CAN be lowered.  Try a shot of wheatgrass every day (or some other greens supplement like barley grass, blue-green algae, etc) and L-arginine.  Royal Jelly is also fabulous for that. Acupuncture rebalances the Hypothalamic/Pituitary/Ovarian axis, so continuing that should help too.

Hang in there - perhaps re-read what Randine (Lewis) has to say about ovarian function.  It should make you feel better...

I need to make time to read again, to soak up all the information that is available and to integrate things into my life so I feel pro-active and full of more of this thing called Hope.

Birthing Other Things

Well, I step away for a day and look what happens!

Thanks to everyone who has delurked to offer support and kindness and to those who are emailing me privately with even more support.

I have to laugh at the "anonymous" poster because it is so easy to tell technically who they are and where they emailed from.

I know who they are and what they said doesn't bother me. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. That is why I never delete the negative comments because it is all part and parcel of our experiences as miscarrying women who blog.

I know who I am and know what is in my heart. Snarky is my defense mechanism, and boy do I like it! Give me a bottle of shiraz, some Dagoba organic chocolate, a blog and a whole lotta snark, and let me have at it!

And I totally subscribe to the Sticks and Stones theory anyway so no worries.

But most importantly, I know I'll be a mother in so many other ways:

1. Through writing the Miscarriage Handbook - a holistic approach to miscarriage in a format that doesn't yet exist out there but is much needed. I finally have a book agent who is enthusiastic about the project.

2. Through the short Babyfruit documentary about miscarriage featuring 4 women and a Western and Eastern health practitioner who I've interviewed. This will be out before the end of the year.

3. Through a feature film exploring many aspects of miscarriage, the whole experience. I plan to travel around the country next year filming and interviewing women if all goes well.

4. Through this blog which I hope continues to be a valuable resource for others.

5. Maybe even through foster parenting. A dear friend of mine is signing up for training, and I did a 1/2 TV show on the topic last year so it is on my mind.

6. Definitely through adoption some time in the future. Most likely a baby of color since there is such a tremendous need.

There are many ways to birth things and many ways to mother and nurture.

In the meanwhile, I'll be be nurturing my wounded motherself and provide my ovaries with some "food for thought" that might turn them around one last time.

It ain't over until it is over.