Today I'm listening to: Julia Fordham Radio
Just got back from my therapy session with T. and she has determined that I don't need EMDR after all. She says it is for people who are "stuck" but that she thinks I am very self aware, in touch with my past and the events that have affected me, and I guess I'm processing these things well.
I'm glad I decided to see a therapist. I'm so used to keeping a lot of things inside and although I can write about it and articulate certain things, I also keep a tight rein on my emotions. She wants me to be okay with my emotional self, the passionate side of me that feels strongly. She pointed out that not every emotion I am feeling welling up inside of me is negative.
Like when I think of or speak about or even write about G. - I feel emotions welling up in side of me that I instinctively try to control. But T. pointed out that maybe it is happiness, a deep swelling of positive emotion, and I'm treating it like negative emotions. That makes total sense because I have no negative emotions about G. and yet the tears come up, first into my chest, then my throat, then popping out of my eyes beyond my control. And yet I'm not sad at all.
How interesting that we can blend our happiness and sadness into a lump and lose touch with the difference. Well, I don't know if any of you do this, but it seems that I'm doing it and can learn to stop.
T. seems to think my path is a good one - a focus on overall health and well-being and if it lowers my FSH and if I do get pregnant - Bonus. But if not, I'll be in a much healthier place overall.
My life is a good one. I have a wonderful husband, I'm living in a place where there is so much to do, and other than the miscarriages and pesky cysts in my ovaries, I'm in good health. I think we tend to focus too much on what we don't have instead of what we do. They say "Count Your Blessings," but it sounds so artificial. And yet, the meaning behind that is valid.
I spoke to a girlfriend in Wyoming who is pregnant - 21 weeks now. She just had an ultrasound and found out they are having a boy. This is good news. And I am genuinely happy for her.
And I am incredibly sad, jealous, pissed off and feeling guilty for it at the same time. But I know that is normal and doesn't mean I don't want to know about what she is going through. Wrestling with all of these emotions can be exhausting but there they are.
At least I don't need the EMDR therapy. It is good to know that a therapist can say "Hey, you don't need thing newfangled treatment after all."
I'm processing it all. Like digesting a big meal of an unusual, unfamiliar dish. Mental and spiritual digestion is taking place right now.
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