In Search of the Spiritual

I am afraid to read the article In Search of the Spiritual in Newsweek because, frankly, I'm terrified of organized religion.

I am convinced that our country is going to hell in a handbasket because of fanatical religious zealots who grossly skew the Bible/Koran/Old Testament/etc. and the teachings of (FILL IN THE BLANK) to create justifications for their own twisted views of the world.

Organized religion has become a dark cloak to wear over intolerance, bigotry, hatred - a disguise that is working to infiltrate our schools, our media, our lives and influence people to lose their ability to see the world with open eyes or to approach the world with an open heart in the name of religion and "God."

"Love Thy Neighbor" - which is are three amazingly powerful words - have absolutely zero literal meaning. The dominant religion(s) in the United States have distorted "Love Thy Neighbor" into "Love Only Thy Neighbor Who Looks Like You, Acts Like You and Worships Like You."

I'm afraid of organized religion because it dictates how I should feel about God, how I should speak to God, and even who God wants me to be.

Do I even believe in God? (Note that I still capitalize God just in case she really exists and will strike me down if I'm disrespectful).

Actually, I can't say that I believe in God. What I can honestly say is that since I was a little girl, I have had one great hope and one major awareness.

My great hope - and I remember having this around 10 or 11 years old or maybe even younger - was that there was something greater than me out there who heared my prayers and actually had the time - in between war, famine, disease, poverty, crime - to actually consider what I was saying silently to myself and putting out there into the cosmic universe. I always apologized for any trivial prayers where I was wishing for a prettier face or some friends who were actually nice to me. I would always draw attention to my more important prayers, like peace on earth and a cure for cancer.

My major awareness - happening around the same age or maybe even younger - was the awareness that I was somebody and something but that someday I would be nothing. From a very early age, I was plagued by intense and unpredictable anxiety attacks stemming entirely from this early realization that I was mortal and some day would die. The worst of these attacks came in my teens and early 20s, but they have continued periodically throughout my adult life. I've learned to sense when they are about to happen and to use my rational mind to distract myself from fixating on my imminent (never an actual timetable on this one) death. I've tried to explain this happening over the years to close friends or boyfriends and even my husband, but nobody seems to relate to these attacks that I have.

I have had some people in the past tell me that if I had faith - if I believed in God - then I would not have these panic attacks. That faith in God assures me that there is something better beyond this life and with that assurance, surely I won't have panic attacks. Bullshit.

First, I don't know for sure there is a God. Second, I refuse to have blind faith in anything. Third, even if there was a God, chances of there actually being an afterlife where I would be consciously aware of myself and my life here on earth are slim to nil. Reincarnation? Sounds interesting, but again, I would not have an awareness of my past life (lives?) and therefore my time here and now is obliterated. Absolutely, totally gone. I hate that.

The more "religious" our government becomes and our country becomes, the more I fear for any true peace on our planet. Organized religion is not about peace. Organized religion is about separating the "good" from the "bad," the "blessed" from the "outsiders," those who will be accepted by Jesus Christ Our Savior to join him in heaven from the rest of us freaking heathens who just want to live a good life, be kind to ourselves and others and be open to the world around us, to learn, to love and to truly be at peace during this nanosecond that we are here on earth.

Comments

[Anne]

Hi Aliza,

You're the first person to describe the attacks I have and I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. When I was young I used to be a Jehovah's Witness. I remember briefly feeling a sort of comfort from prayer and from my beliefs, that their explanations of the Bible gave me something to believe in (they believe people will be resurrected, as themselves to a cleansed new earth). :) Anyhow, once I grew older and the blinds were taken off my eyes I realized that it was just fear of death that made people hang on to their beliefs. There were too many inconsistencies and a lot of guilt put on those who didn't tow the line (preaching and teaching). Over the years, lack of faith in God has been something that is slowing starting to make me feel better about death. I feel more open to possibilities for an afterlife, but of course, I think it's partly just me looking for a way to avoid the inevitable. Well, I hope you continue writing and sharing your work. I've been reading your work for awhile now, seems like ever since I got online. Life may be brief, but we'll probably never know just how many people we touch while we're here.

[aliza/babyfruit]

Anne - thank you for taking the time to comment about this. It is still so amazing to me that anyone reads anything I've published online. And the fact that you can relate - especially to this very personal post - is a testament to how connected and similar we all truly are. I really appreciate your feedback.

[shepondered]

I don't know if you've ever thought of it this way, but you're probably closer to God in the way that you want to "live a good life, be kind to ourselves and others and be open to the world around us" than the people who say they are close to God but spend more of their time hell-bent on converting people than just loving them.