There is a new book of essays out by a woman who supposedly talks about everything that is wrong with feminism - mostly prompted after she was diagnosed with breast cancer and decided to stay home with her kids. I don't even want to mention her name because I don't want you going to run out and get her book. I'm only bringing it up because it made me once again realize how "feminism" has been turned into such a dirty word.
I'm not going to name names or even point fingers as to who is doing this and why. Suffice it to say that anyone who thinks that feminism is a bad thing is sadly misinformed - especially if you think Feminism Equals:
1. Lesbians - I'm sure many lesbians are feminists but most feminists are not lesbians.
2.Male-Bashers - How we got from "feminism" to "male-bashers" or "man-haters" is so frightening. Feminists do not hate men. But we do speak out about the injustices perpetrated against women by, mostly, men - and on a large social scale in our society, by, mostly, white men. I think the easiest way for men to diffuse a woman's justifiable anger at injustices and inequities is to label her a "man-basher" instead of what it is: "injustice-bashing."
3. Hairy Leg and Armpits - Okay, I admit that I let my leg hair and pit hair grow out when I am just too darned lazy to shave. Body hair on women is not a political statement or a sign that she has dangerous ideas about being female.
4. Bra-Burner - This one would crack me up if it wasn't so absolutely wrong and based on zero facts. How a complete falsehood can be turned into a rally cry of those who do not agree with a feminist point of view is a farce.
As far as I can tell, there was a protest in the late 60s where women marched outside a Miss America pageant, protesting the pageant as degrading to women. Some of the women removed their bras and threw them - along with girdles, nylons and other "womenly" clothing contraptions - into garbage cans.
Their actions were meant to point out how the culture of beauty in our society devalues women, focusing on their looks instead of their selves. Somehow, that action was stretched into burning bras and the image of an angry woman burning her bra has been the ridiculous caricature of "feminism" ever since.
5. Housewife-Bashing - Feminists don't bash women for wanting to stay home with the children. Feminists proudly show that women have a choice. The real pressures against staying home come from the workplace where women are systematically shut out of the upper echelons of corporations because they do opt to stay home and then find out they not only do not have the same job when they get back but they are labeled as "not invested" in the company so are passed over for future raises and promotions.
I'm planning to stay home once my baby is born. I never gave it a second thought. My feminism gave me the courage to know that I could do that and still be okay as a woman, as a contributor to my household income, and as a member of society and even the workplace.
6. Baby Killers - This falsehood scares the hell out of me more than any of the others I've mentioned. The whole Pro Choice/Pro Life debate is a frightening example of how our society is as backwards, if not moreso, than many of the countries Americans criticize for being so dangerously repressed. If men had babies, there would never be the same kind of debate because there is no man in this country who would ever allow the government to invade his personal choices, especially in terms of what kind of medical treatments he could have.
If the government stepped in right now, for example, and took Viagra off the market or said that it was against the law, you better believe men would band together to get the law changed instantly. But that will never happen because men are at the decision makeing positions over major issues such as what medicines are available to men and women. Why do you think men can get Viagra and the like on their medical insurance yet women cannot get the Pill? Men can have anything that will make it easier for them to impregnate women, but women cannot have any protection - like the Morning After Pill - to help her in case she gets pregnant from said man and decides not to have a baby at that time. (Don't get me started about not making the Morning After Pill available to women who are raped.)
I had an abortion in 1992. I am not proud of it. I did it because the man I was dating at the time convinced me that it was the right thing to do - that we needed to spend more time together and to get to know each other better before having a child. We had been dating for almost a year at that point. I wanted the relationship to continue and was terrified with the thought of having a baby on my own. So I conceded.
To say I regret that decision is putting it mildly. We both talked about it years later and he even began to cry, saying it was one of the greatest regrets of his entire life. I am still haunted by the decision - and even moreso by the memory of walking down the hall with the nurse, protesting "Please don't let me do this. I don't want to do it." And she just shushed me soothingly and said everything would be alright.
But no matter how much making that choice has torn me up inside, no matter how much I regret it (and it, too, is one of the few things in my entire life that I regret), I am grateful that I had the choice and that I could get the procedure done in a safe environment.
Would I do it again given the choice? Yes, there are circumstances where I would do it again, no matter how difficult the choice would be. Having the choice is essential to my right not as a woman but as a human being. Taking that choice away would be criminal.
WHAT HAVE I LEARNED...
I have learned a lot from feminism, and I don't think I'm the only woman who has, however, most women of my generation and younger seem to avoid the word "feminist" like the plague.
Here is what I have learned from feminism.
1. That I deserve to make the same amount of money and have the same career opportunities as my male contemporaries if I have comparable education, experience and skills.
Ah, but of course you do, you say. Well, I can point to several experiences in my career where this just wasn't so.
For example, from 1987 to 1989, I worked at a major music booking agency as an agent's assistant. Most of the agent's assistants at the time were female. The males, however, were the only ones allowed to take part in the "agent in training program" to become an agent in their own right. Even the guys in the mailroom were allowed to enter the "agent in training program," but when I asked about joining, I was told it wasn't available to women. Toward the end of my tenure there, the president of the department gave his assistant - a young woman - the opportunity to become an agent. This caused a huge uproar although I heard that within a few years, other women were finally given the opportunity as well.
From 1989 to 1994, I worked for a music management for some very loud, successful heavy metal and hair metal bands. During that time, I worked my way up from receptionist to "artist liaison" in a matter of months. I just saw a need and filled it. I also began scouting for bands, hoping to learn the ropes of managing bands. I brought several bands to my bosses for consideration - including Corrosion of Conformity, Rage Against the Machine and The Black Crowes - but was turned down every time.
There were two guys in the office, both who started around the same time as I did (one had been working on the road for some of the company's bands, the other came from a record label). Each time they brought a band up for consideration, they were given the go ahead to manage them. The bands they managed included White Trash and the Pleasure Bombs (yes, who?).
Then I found out that that both guys made 6 figure salaries. I was stuck at $50,000 a year. I know what you're thinking - even today that is a good salary and this was back in the late 80s/early 90s. But of course, it was New York City. I'm not saying that I had to make 6 figures - but there was no reason in the world that the two men in the office made literally twice as much as I did.
When I brought this up to my bosses, they actually told me that I was only earning half because the men "had families, houses, cars - expenses and responsibilities." I was "single, renting an apartment, I didn't have the same responsibilities." I was cheap labor because I was single and female.
I kid you not.
Want another more recent example? After September 11th, I moved to Cheyenne, Wyoming from New York City and took a job for 2 years with the State of Wyoming. I needed stability in my life at that point. My title was "Manager of Marketing and Public Relations," and I headed up the entire department, overseeing the PR needs of about a half a dozen other departments including Agribusiness, Business Development and Community Development. The position was originally a Director position but I was told that they decided to make it a Manager position instead so the hiearchy was clear (?!).
Now I know I'm a bad negotiator, so when they offered me $50,000 (yes, in the Fall of 2001 I was being offered exactly what I was making in 1989), I countered with $60,000. Oh no, I was told, the budget for this job was $50,000 and not a penny more.
I was terrified that I wouldn't get the job and getting the job was critical to moving to Cheyenne. "$55,000?" I countered. No, $50,000 is all we have budgeted. I finally accepted the $50,000 salary.
On my first day, as I was filling out the usual employee paperwork, the woman in human resources said "So salary is $55,000..."
"What?" I asked in a state of shock.
"$55,000 - that is what the position was budgeted for."
I had to admit to her that I had accepted an offer of $50K. In hindsight, I should have just played along to see what would happen, but I wasn't that brave.
Later, I found out that not only were male "Managers" making $5000 to $10,000 more than me. I also eventually realized that the reason they moved the position from "Director" to "Manager" was to save an additional $20,000 in salary. Once again, I was cheap labor solely because I was female.
Thank God I work for myself now. I left the state job and started my own consulting gig, easily earning $20,000 more in my first year of business than I was making as a "Manager."
2. That I deserve to be treated with respect, just like my male counterparts.
I have so many stories about being a woman in the new media industry in New York City when the Internet boom was just a twinkle in somebody's eye. Some of them are positive stories, but many more were like this early experience.
Here I was, president of my own company - the first woman-owned Internet company. I spent the first few months in business doing a traveling road show around the city, explaining to people what the Internet was and how the Web could be beneficial to their businesses or organizations. I met with the Learning Annex, the Lincoln Center and eventually got a meeting with the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA).
At the time, I hadn't yet splurged for a lap top computer so I had to lug a desktop computer, CPU and all, to each meeting. I asked a male friend to help me with the load for the MOMA meeting. He walked in with the computer equipment which I then proceeded to hook up and start up in front of the some of the people I would be presenting to.
The rest of the group came into the room, and I made my presentation. My friend sat in a far corner of the room, waiting for the meeting to finish so that he could help me lug the equipment back out.
When I was finished, I asked if there were any questions. Then, one by one, each person who had a question turned away from me to face my friend and to pose their question to him.
He, being the funny guy that he was, didn't miss a beat and responded with "I think I'll defer that one to Aliza. Aliza, could you respond to that?"
I was furious. Instead of admitting that he was a personal trainer and a friend who was there to help me with carrying equipment, he played the role of "boss" allowing me to respond. He knew nothing about computers at that time, but in everyone's mind, he was in charge and I was his assistant.
I didn't say anything at the time although I should have. I just dutifully responded to the questions, knowing full well that I was the only one who knew the answers.
I'm sure most of the people in that group were not trying to be disrespectful to me - but it was shocking how prevalent the perception was then - and in later meetings - that a woman could not possibly know anything about the Internet, and that if there was a male in the room, clearly he was the boss.
I can't count how many times I answered my company phone because my whole staff shared phone duties, and I was immediately asked to speak with the head of the company.
"I am the head of the company," I'd say, wanting to add, "What? Did you think I was 'just the receptionist' because I'm female and answering the phone??" but again, I didn't say anything.
Hey, I said that feminism taught me some things - but it didn't always give me the courage I needed to speak up when people were being ignorant or jerks or both.
3. That what I was experiencing was not only wrong but also, in some cases, against the law.
I have to admit that before I read my first copy of MS. magazine, I didn't know about some of the principles of feminism, much less the ins and outs of discrimination or sexual harrassment, even though I was experiencing both - especially in my years in the music business.
I remember the first issue of MS. that I purchased - I was only attracted to it because it said in bold headlines something about the magainze "containing no ads." No ads? What kind of women's magazine contains no ads? I was intrigued. I read the issue cover to cover and soon realized that what I had been experiencing in my music business jobs were not so subtle and probably very illegal discrimination because of my sex.
Did I take action then? No, of course not. Because I was a young woman in a male-dominated field during a time where misogyny ran rampant (does anyone remember the album cover with a partially naked woman being inserted into a meat grinder???) and where I knew I'd be blacklisted if I spoke up. This was my job, my career, I didn't want to draw negative attention to myself so I stayed silent.
And then, years later, older and wiser, I still didn't point out the salary inequities of my state job. I should have known something was amiss when I was told by the men who hired me that I should "tone down my feminist activities" because they didn't really work well in Wyoming.
Well, I met a lot of phenomenal feminists in Wyoming and a lot of awesome men who truly respected women and treated me very well in business. Still, there was the perpetual Old Boys Club there, like everywhere, and a fair share of men who did their best to undermine me because I was just a little too "uppity" for their tastes.
The irony about Wyoming is that they tout it as the "Equality State" because it was the first state to give women the right to vote. But they never mention that the only reason they did this was not because the men were early feminists but because the state had such a small population that without women voting (as their husbands' dictated, of course), there would not have been enough votes to make Wyoming a state!
Ah feminism, oh feminism. How did you get such a bad rap? I am grateful to feminism and feminists everywhere for paving the way to better opportunities for women, for giving us choices.
