A woman I know killed herself.
I don't know all the details, and I didn't even know she had died until someone told me last week by email and then I didn't find out about the visitation until the following week.
I didn't know her very well - I couldn't say we were friends. We were colleagues. She and I worked together on the Anchorage Film Festival in 2005.
She also worked for one of my clients so during the last months of my pregnancy, as I waddled through the halls of their offices, she'd stop me as I passed her desk, put her hand on my belly, and talk to me about her pregnancies years ago and ask me about mine.
She was a no-nonsense person who seemed ever more serious. Very matter of fact, pull no punches, you know the cliches and the type. I really liked her because I knew exactly where she was coming from, and I knew if she said she was going to do something, she would do it. She was the kind of person that could come into a mess and roll up her sleeves to get things cleaned up with the minimum of emotion.
But she was a tender and caring person beneath the tough, crusty exterior. Her eyes would well up when we'd talk about pregnancy and babies. I thought we connected on several levels. Then we lost touch when I stopped working before giving birth. I hadn't seen her in the months following as I struggled with new motherhood and post partum depression.
I've heard rumors that something bad happened that may have been the final catalyst for her suicide. But I've also heard that even a month earlier she was giving things away, tying up loose ends, doing the things that people do when they are contemplating killing themselves. Little signs, little gestures, that actually looking back seem huge and telling.
I can't help wondering if I would have noticed the signs if I had stayed in touch with her. If I had emailed her when I thought of her recently, could we have reconnected and would anything be different? We always take for granted the people in our lives and the impact we have or could have. We fail to do the small things, the contact and connection.
And then someone kills themself.
And you can't help wondering if you could have done something, anything, to change their mind.
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