I am a 40 year old, married, childless woman
who works at home and just moved to a new
city in a new state thousands of miles from
friends and family.
How do I make new friends? Where do I find
some girlfriends with similar stats who have
the time to meet up, do spur of the moment
stuff, dish over coffee or wine, and just be
girlfriends?
Is there a girlfriend store or catalog I can
peruse?
Is there a secret society of girlfriends
but I just don't have the password?
I've been tempted to respond to one
of those personal ads - in the Women
Seeking Women section - not because I've
turned lesbian, but because I'm just looking
for a female to hang out with and do
girlfriend stuff with. Not GIRLFRIEND,
just girlfriend.
One actually caught my eye:
Just moved to Anch. 48 SGF would like to meet new friends in the area and find opportunities to socialize. Enjoy hiking, exploring, going to the movies and theater, martial arts, most recreational activities and quiet relaxing. Open to friends, ideas, romance, honest communication, personal growth and respect. Would love to hear from you if any of this interests you!
If this were a man and if I were single,
I'd be even more tempted to respond.
But she did emphasize friends
twice (I added the bolding). She sounds
perfect for me! Maybe we could go
exploring Karaoke bars in town, take
Tae Kwon Do lessons, go to the theatre,
maybe even a museum.
Of course, I'm not going to respond to
a personals ad, even if it is for a lesbian
looking for friends. I'm married. My sweet
husband would never understand.
I've been doing some networking and
meeting up with other women with similar
interests such as film. But as I emailed
several with thoughts of meeting for
breakfast or coffee, I was told "You may
have to wait until September. We all have
kids so won't have time until then."
I am left out of the girlfriend club because
I don't have any kids. I can't meet other
cool women through my kids at school
functions or kid events. When I held a
garage sale a few weeks ago, a friendly
young couple stopped by looking for
cross country skis. As we all chatted, I asked
her in typical "I'm trying to be social but
failing like a dunce" fashion:
"So, what do you do?"
"I'm a mom," she exclaimed.
"How many kids?" I asked as my eyes glazed
over. Who the fuck cares? I just miscarried
in May. Do you think I really want to hear
about somebody's kids?
I think she said two. And they were young.
So she has no time for lattes, I figured.
Plus we have nothing to talk about because
she will want to talk about her kids and
I will want to talk about movies and
life and creativity and reproductive health
issues (okay, that is MY boring obsession).
I want to talk about our careers and our
goals and visions and dreams. I want to
talk about our relationships, our sex lives,
our spiritual quests.
Where are the girlfriends?
I came up with what I thought was a GREAT
idea about making friends. What I needed
was a GAY friend, a male who had absolutely
no sexual interest in me but could dish with
the best of them. A hairdresser perhaps.
God, am I stereotyping or what?
So I met a guy at the office supply store
who was in charge of the copy department
and was helping me with my business cards.
We had been emailing back and forth and
I'd go in to review proofs so we'd been
chatting for a few days on a variety of
topics. He was great at customer service
and I figured he was just blessed with an
extrovert-PLUS personality.
Then I brought up Karaoke.
"I do karaoke," he said.
"You do NOT!"
"They call me the 'DUET GUY' because if you've
never sang Karaoke before, I'll sing with you
so you aren't too nervous. I do Karoake
practically every night," he boasted and
proceeded to jot down all the best Karaoke
clubs in Anchorage and rated them by
"not too smoky," "too noisy," and then "it has...
an ALTERNATIVE crowd."
"Alternative...?" I asked.
"You know, ALTERNATIVE," he said with emphasis.
"You mean..." I looked around and lowered my
voice to a whisper, I swear to God. "...gay?"
"ALTERNATIVE," he said emphatically.
So he was gay. Am I socially retarded or what?
I mean, I lived in New York City for 13 years
and there were gay people everywhere and
in practically every closet as well. I've danced
in gay bars and loved every minute of it (nobody
hits on you, all the guys love to dance and JUST
want to dance with you).
I've never had gay male friends although my
sister has, many in fact, although I wouldn't
call her a Fag Hag.
Anyway, I felt like I'd found my Karaoke buddy
who could meet me at Karaoke bars while
my loving husband was out of town.
That way, I wouldn't be sitting alone and
become a target for bad pick up lines.
And there was someone who could give
me pointers about my Karaoke singing,
not just gushing praise but real tips.
And someone to make suggestions of
offbeat songs to sing that I never would
have thought of myself.
Well, that was who I found managing the
office supply store copy department.
"Who do you sing?"
"Oh Elvis, Patti LaBelle, even some Britney
Spears."
Yep. Gay.
"Are you going tonight?" I asked.
"Of course!" he said and proceeded to tell
me where he'd be at 8:00pm, at the moment
they started the Karaoke.
"Maybe I'll see you there," I said and left
with my newly minted business cards in hand.
Should I go? I debated. Of course I should!
It is Karaoke, it is 8pm in the evening and I
could be home by 10:30pm, and he's gay.
Well, I'll spare you the details but suffice it to
say, my hubby was none too happy about the
arrangement. After an early evening of singing
several songs and having a wonderful time,
I tucked my tail between my legs and headed
straight home so he wouldn't be upset with me.
In his mind, I had "gone to a bar with a man
I didn't know." And no amount of discussion
("but he's GAY") could change his mind.
So a lesbian friend is definitely out of the
question.
Now what do I do?